Cease of the Phenomenon

Bright lights and strong winds
Terrific happenings
A comet bomb lands at my feet
A trace of blue amid the sleet

A cloud of shine
A beam of rain
Amid destruction
Of the plain

Chicken Little got it right
"The sky is falling!"
Now it's night
And everything has sunken in;
We broke it all and now it's fin.

Hey Luvzi! ^_^ I saw this nice, short little poem, and since that's about all I have focus for at the moment, I thought I'd review it!

Alright, first of all, the style/length/word choice of the poem doesn't really fit with your title. The title is great-- one of the main reasons I clicked this in the first place-- but I don't see where it ties into the poem itself. Your poem has some really nice images, but I think your need to expand it a bit; explore some more concentrated ideas, instead of just throwing out description of this destruction.

Did that make sense? xD If not, here:

Bright lights and strong winds
Terrific happenings
A comet bomb lands at my feet
A trace of blue amid the sleet

While this is pretty imagery, it's too fragmented to form a real picture. I'd take one idea in this stanza-- whether it be the comet landing at your feet or the strong winds-- and expand on it, describing that one thing for all five senses. How does the strong wind sound? When the comet lands, does it spray up gray ash or anything? Try to focus more on one idea instead of cramming all of these ideas together.

Also: scrap 'terrific happenings'. It doesn't tell anything new, and it's too clunky for this poem. Ya? ^_^

A cloud of shine
A beam of rain
Amid destruction
Of the plain

Is there a reason this stanza rhymes, but the first one doesn't? I, actualy, would suggest you cut out rhyming (especially in such a short poem) and focus more on the actual words and story you're getting across. That way you aren't hampered by having to find something to rhyme, and you can just put in whatever phrase would fit best instead.

Chicken Little got it right
"The sky is falling!"
Now it's night
And everything has sunken in;
We broke it all and now it's fin.

I actually liked the bit about Chicken Little! xD This is my favorite stanza, just because you have some really nice images (the fourth line, about sinking in, especially). However, this last line shows exactly what I mean by, "Rhymign hampers your word choice." The only reason you stuck 'fin' in there is because it rhymed, but it really doesn't work there, and it's painfully obvious that that was your goal. However! all is not lost. If you scrap the rhyming scheme, you can find oodles of better endings there. Ones with lots of oomph, you know?

So, all in all, this had some really great ideas and a lot of potential. I'd just work on exploring some more concentrated ideas and working outside of a rhyme scheme. ^_^ Good luck, and PM me if you need anything!

~Evi

Hi Evi

It's funny you pointed out the "terrific happenings" line because that was the main reason I submitted the poem for crit hehe! Originally the line was "what the hell is happening?" and I didn't like it, so I decided to use the word "terrific", as in the original definition of the word, pertaining to terror; but I agree it still doesn't work.

Thanks for the comment on the title. I realised just before submission that I didn't have a title, so I looked up the dictionary definition of the word "end" and it gave me "cease of the phenomenon", so that's where that came from.

I see what you mean about going into more detail and expanding the poem. Most my poems are short because I like to just say one thing and have the imagination work out the rest, but I see that it would be better if everything was more clearly analysed by describing each line in more detail, so thank you for that advice I'll work on that

No I never thought about the rhyming, I wasn't struggling to find a rhyme, I just wrote what came naturally But when I expand the verses the rhyme scheme will most likely develop or eradicate itself.

Thanks very much for taking the time to critique this! You pointed out a lot of the issues I had with the poem and helped me to see how to correct that. So I'll work on it and hopefully repost soon!