Obie and Death

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Obie and Death

-

The Dark God, the Grim Reaper, The Angel of Death; those were some of the titles that he held. He preferred the title Guardian of the Worlds, though most people did not know him by this title. Most people only saw him as the one who took their life and loved ones away, but he held a much more important job than what normal people saw.

Yes, he tore people from their lives and brought them to the realm of the dead, but no one ever saw the deeper aspects of his job. No one ever knew what he did to keep every world going: shuffling people from one reality to the next, setting up lives and tearing them down again.

No one ever knew what his job truly was, until Oberon showed up. Nothing about Oberon was normal, so it made a strange sort of sense when Oberon slipped between the borders of the world. He wasn’t dead, the Guardian would have known and it wasn’t like the dead ever stopped at the area between the worlds. No, that small dimension belonged only to the Guardian.

Even after all of these years, the Guardian still didn’t know how Oberon managed to get to his dimension between worlds. The boy had just showed up one day, splashing his way up the edges of the river of dreams and totally ignoring the boats that rested at various points along the river. The Guardian had turned in shock at the noise the boy was making and he shuddered at the whoop that the boy let out.

“Hey, it’s about time that I ran into someone in this strange place; I’ve been walking for what seems like days and I haven’t seen anyone at all. It’s so creepy,” the boy had shouted out when he caught sight of the Guardian. The boy ran out of the water toward the Guardian and skidded to a stop before him to grin.

“Who are you, what are you doing here?” the Guardian questioned. He stared at the boy, trying to figure out the answers to his questions by sight alone.

“My name is Oberon, but call me Obie, and I’m just exploring so far. This really is an interesting place you have here; the view is really quite marvelous.” Oberon bounced in place and stared up at the night sky that could be seen through one portal.

“You shouldn’t be here; how did you get here?” The Guardian ignored Oberon’s rambles as he paced around the boy.

“I walked, didn’t you hear me earlier?” The boy gave him another grin and the Guardian glared at him in return. “What, am I not supposed to be here or something, you want me to leave? I’d rather keep exploring, since I haven’t been to the shore in such a long time, but if you want me to leave, I will.”

“You’re not supposed to be here,” the Guardian said and the boy wilted at his tone. “But it should have been impossible for you to have made it to this dimension in the first place; I wish to know how this happened.”

“Does this mean that I can stay?” Oberon perked up. “I can just tell you how I got here and then I can stay; that sounds good to me.”

“I didn’t say that,” the Guardian ground out. “Explain.”

“You think we could go someplace else to talk? Maybe take a seat in the sand or on that hill over there?” Oberon motioned to the portals with a hopeful look.

“Here shall be fine for now, now, please explain.” The Guardian pinned Oberon with a look and the boy finally relented.

“Okay, okay.” Oberon sent the portals one last look before focusing on the Guardian. “I was walking along, minding my own business, when I stumbled over a crack in the pavement and fell onto this one guy. I managed to knock both of us down and, boy, he cursed a lot.”

“What does this have to do with you finding yourself here?” the Guardian asked, running out of patience.

“Well, it was the guy who sent me here,” Oberon exclaimed. “I tried to apologize to him and explain exactly why I just sent both of us to the ground, but that seemed to annoy him even more, because he said that I reminded him of someone. I asked him who and he brushed me off.” Oberon stopped to scoff and shake his head.

“And all of this has a point?” the Guardian prompted. He motioned for Oberon to continue and to hopefully get to the point soon.

“The guy was a right idiot, said that he would give me a taste of my own medicine. I expected that he would punch me or something, but instead he waved his hand and we were standing on a riverbank instead of the middle of the sidewalk.” Oberon paused to take a breath and the Guardian raised his eyebrow. “He told me to head down this way and to tell the first person I met his message, so I suppose I should tell you.”

“Tell me what?” The Guardian frowned as he tried to puzzle out exactly who sent Oberon here to his dimension without speaking to him first.

“The message was: ‘The Maker says that payback is a bitch;’ though I have no idea what any of it means.” Oberon trailed off when he saw the look on the Guardian’s face. “You know what it means?”

“Did this Maker say anything else?” the Guardian asked instead of answering Oberon’s question.

“He said that you would look after me until it was time for me to head back home. I’m not too worried, though, because this place is cool,” Oberon said, his eyes wandering the place once again.

“Great,” the Guardian mumbled to himself. He scowled and put his arm out to stop Oberon from stepping into a portal. “Watch your step when you’re away from the river.”

“So who was this Maker guy anyway?” Oberon asked. He bounced in place instead of bounding off as he wished to.

“I doubt that you do, but do you know who I am?” The Guardian would be very surprised if Oberon actually had an answer. People in every world had an idea of what Death looked like, but they all agreed that Death did not have long, curly hair.

“I have no clue, but you have to be better than that Marker guy.” Oberon gave the Guardian a wide grin.

“I am known as many names, but most know me simply as Death,” the Guardian said and then waited for the fireworks.

“Cool, does this mean that I’m dead?” Oberon looked delighted at the possibility and held his arm up to inspect it in the candlelight.

“You’re not dead; I am the only person who can outright kill people. But, just as I end life, there must be someone who begins life and this is the Maker,” the Guardian stressed. The boy was going to be stuck there until the Maker decided to send him home and it would take longer if Oberon kept mangling the guy’s name.

“So, what is this place anyway?” Oberon dismissed the explanation, going back to the magical sight in front of him.

“You’re stuck here until either the Maker sends you home or I kill you and send you to a new life, so I might as well explain things.” The Guardian sighed as he noted that Oberon didn’t even flinch at the idea of being uprooted from his life by death. Then again, the boy was now stuck in a strange place and seemed to think it was all a brilliant adventure. “This is my dimension, my home, a place in between all worlds. You’re going to want to watch your step and walk where I do until you get used to sensing the portals.”

“Portals?” Oberon still looked enthralled with it all and was now twisting his head wildly, trying to spot the portals.

“Entrances into the other worlds; they are all around you. Some of them are quite easy to see,” the Guardian motioned toward the portal of the shore than fascinated Oberon time and time again, “and some of them take a while to find.” The Guardian motioned next to a small group of rocks that, upon closer look, turned into a whole small city.

“So cool,” Oberon whispered as he crouched down to look at the tiny world.

The Guardian sighed as he watched the boy. How could the Maker think that he and Oberon were so much alike? Maybe he meant physically? The Guardian frowned and shook his head. Though, his quick inspection of the boy brought up a question that he had been wondering since he first spotted Oberon. “Did you walk up the river the whole way?”

“Yeah, for at least a couple of blocks or so, though it is hard to tell in this cave system.” Oberon straightened up and grinned at the Guardian.

“You didn’t try one of the boats along the way?” The Guardian blinked in shock.

“I didn’t feel like it, besides I like the water.” Oberon shrugged before giving the Guardian a calculating look. “So, I already said that you could call me Obie, but what should I call you?”

“You can call me Guardian, I suppose.” The Guardian shrugged. He had plenty of names, but he rarely had anyone who wanted to speak to him for any length of time.

“Cool.” Oberon leapt forward so that he was standing by the Guardian’s side and latched onto the Guardian’s arm. “Now, teach me how to recognize these hidden portals, will you? I don’t want to step on anyone.”

“You’d be more likely to slip into their world, but I’ll teach you.” The Guardian gave Oberon a hesitant smile and the boy grinned back at him. Oberon kept his hold on the Guardian’s arm as they stepped forward, but, for some reason, the Guardian couldn’t find it in himself to be annoyed.
Last edited by Tatra on Sun Jul 19, 2009 5:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Aw man, I like these two. Gotta love a well-done unlikely duo, and there are few that are less likely than Death and some random kid who just sorta showed up. Also love the choice of Oberon for the kid's name. Always had a soft spot in my heart for that name, ever since playing the part of Oberon for a production of Robin Goodfellow a few years back.

The way I see it, this can go two ways (assuming, of course, that you're planning to do more with these guys). This can either be a fun and relatively cute little romp through dimensions, or it can be a fun and relatively cute little romp through dimensions that turns into an epic and relatively serious romp through dimensions later on. I personally am hoping for the second. And yeah, I'm definitely hoping for more on these guys.

Well, better move on to individual stuff before I get off topic too much.

Obie and Death wrote:The Dark God, the Grim Reaper, The Angel of Death; those were some of the titles that he held. He preferred the title Guardian of the Worlds, though most people did not know him by this title. Most people only saw him as the one who took their life and loved ones away, but he held a much more important job than what normal people saw.


This opening paragraph starts out strong. It gives a few names that we all know, so the reader understands right up front that this is a reaper story, then gives one we don't, so the reader also understands that this isn't your traditional reaper story.

The sentence right after that bit only helps to solidify this, but it's also a tad awkward. I know exactly what you are trying to say, but at the same time I feel like there's a better way to say it. At the very least, it'd be "their lives" instead of "their life", since you're using the plural possessive.

On top of that, though, I'd take away the "saw" bits - "most people only saw him as", "than what normal people saw" - and use a better word instead. I realize that that seeing doesn't necessarily mean being able to see with your eyes, but there are better ways to convey that. "Most people thought of him as" and "than what normal people realized" or some such. You may need to find a different word, though, if you want to keep the parallel feel that the "saw/saw" bit gives.

Also, instead of saying that he held a much more important job, I feel like it'd work better if you say "but his job was a much more important one than". Can't explain it exactly, but I prefer that wording. Similarly, I'd say change "took their lives and loved ones away" to "took away their lives and loved ones". Again, can't explain why but I prefer a different placement for that "away".

I do realize my way's a lot wordier, though, which could feel awkward within itself so do what you want.

Obie and Death wrote:Yes, he tore people from their lives and brought them to the realm of the dead, but no one ever saw the deeper aspects of his job. No one ever knew what he did to keep every world going: shuffling people from one reality to the next, setting up lives and tearing them down again.


I like this part, especially the "tore people from their lives" and the "shuffling people from one reality to the next" bits. They both give really nice mental images.

I'd kick the "ever" from "no one ever knew", though. It feels out of place.

Obie and Death wrote:No one ever knew what his job truly was, until Oberon showed up. Nothing about Oberon was normal, so it made a strange sort of sense when Oberon slipped between the borders of the world. He wasn’t dead, the Guardian would have known and it wasn’t like the dead ever stopped at the area between the worlds. No, that small dimension belonged only to the Guardian.


Be careful not to get to repetitious with those "no one evers", though if you kick the "ever" from the above one, then keeping this one should be okay.

Besides that, I'd say "it made a strange sort of sense that" instead of "sense when". "When" gives too much of a sense of time. At the time that Oberon showed up, it didn't make sense to The Guardian. This way, it's more of a "looking back on it, it really made sense that Oberon would show up, since he's not normal in the least" than a "at the time that Oberon showed up, it made perfect sense because he's not not normal in the least".

Obie and Death wrote:Even after all of these years, the Guardian still didn’t know how Oberon managed to get to his dimension between worlds.


Maybe I'm overlooking something, but I thought it was explained how Oberon got there. The Maker sent him. Maybe there's more to it that I didn't pick up on, though.

Obie and Death wrote:“Who are you, what are you doing here?” the Guardian questioned.


The Guardian doesn't really seem overly shocked here. It doesn't take much to change that, of course. I'd say break up the dialogue into two separate questions instead of one, like "Who are you? What are you doing here?" so it feels more like he doesn't know which to ask first, so he asks them both almost at the same time. Also, switch out "questioned". That word doesn't feel spontaneous enough for him to be shocked. I'd say go with "snapped" if he's likely to do that, or even take that bit out and just leave the bit with The Guardian staring in order to point out whose dialogue it is.

Obie and Death wrote:“You shouldn’t be here; how did you get here?” The Guardian ignored Oberon’s rambles as he paced around the boy.


"Rambles" is a present tense verb, not a noun. Go with "ramblings".

Obie and Death wrote:“I walked, didn’t you hear me earlier?” The boy gave him another grin and the Guardian glared at him in return. “What, am I not supposed to be here or something, you want me to leave? I’d rather keep exploring, since I haven’t been to the shore in such a long time, but if you want me to leave, I will.”


Yet again, you're breaking up dialogue with a comma when it'd probably work better as two sentences. "I walked. Didn't you hear me earlier?" or "I walked; didn't you hear me earlier?", and "am I not supposed to be here or something? You want me to leave?".

Obie and Death wrote:“You’re not supposed to be here,” the Guardian said and the boy wilted at his tone.


Comma between "said" and "and".

Obie and Death wrote:“Does this mean that I can stay?” Oberon perked up. “I can just tell you how I got here and then I can stay; that sounds good to me.”

“I didn’t say that,” the Guardian ground out. “Explain.”


I'd change that top bit to "I can just tell you how I got here and then I can stay? That sounds good to me." Feels more like a suggestion than a statement of fact that way.

Using "ground out" to describe dialogue feels odd. Maybe say "The Guardian gritted his teeth" or "The Guardian managed to spit out" if you're trying to convey annoyance.

Obie and Death wrote:“Here shall be fine for now, now, please explain.”


"Here shall be fine for now. Now, please explain." The double "now" still feels weird, though, so you may wanna change that to "So right here, please explain" or some such.

Obie and Death wrote:“The guy was a right idiot


Heh. Loved this bit here. Calling a presumably godlike being a "right idiot" gets even better with the part right after it:

Obie and Death wrote:“The message was: ‘The Maker says that payback is a bitch;’


Oh Maker. I haven't even seen you before and you manage to amuse me.

Obie and Death wrote:He bounced in place instead of bounding off as he wished to.


More nitpicking, but saying that he wished to bound off suggests a PoV change that doesn't actually occur, since The Guardian can't know that he wants to bound off. I'd change it to "as he obviously wished to", since that sets the PoV right.

Obie and Death wrote:“I doubt that you do, but do you know who I am?” The Guardian would be very surprised if Oberon actually had an answer. People in every world had an idea of what Death looked like, but they all agreed that Death did not have long, curly hair.


The first bit is awkward. I'd change it to "though I doubt it, do you know who I am?" or something similar. I do like the long, curly hair quote.

Obie and Death wrote:“I have no clue, but you have to be better than that Marker guy.” Oberon gave the Guardian a wide grin.


I don't know whether the "Marker" mistake was yours or Oberon's, though if Oberon accidentally called the Maker "Marker", I'd be pretty happy. If you end up keeping that, I'd have some reference to the Guardian noticing the error so that it wouldn't be confused for your own.

Obie and Death wrote:“I am known as many names, but most know me simply as Death,” the Guardian said and then waited for the fireworks.


"Known by", not "known as". I'd also break this one up into two sentences, for added effect. The Guardian's obviously going for effect anyway, so it makes sense this way. I'd go with "I am known by many names. Most, however, know my simply as Death."

Obie and Death wrote:“Cool, does this mean that I’m dead?”


"Cool! Does this mean that I'm dead?" Best to give the "Cool" its own exclamation point so that it doesn't feel shunted to the side.

Obie and Death wrote:The boy was going to be stuck there until the Maker decided to send him home and it would take longer if Oberon kept mangling the guy’s name.


Ah, it was Obie's mistake, not your own. Okay. Still best to mention that earlier, because I was definitely confused even after reading it through once...

Also may want to italicize "The Maker" in The Guardian's dialogue, so that it's easier to see what exactly The Guardian is stressing.

Obie and Death wrote:“This is my dimension, my home, a place in between all worlds. You’re going to want to watch your step and walk where I do until you get used to sensing the portals.”


Eh, I'd make "my dimension", "my home", and "a place in between all worlds" into three separate sentence fragments for effect. Could be just me, though.

Obie and Death wrote:the Guardian motioned toward the portal of the shore than fascinated Oberon time and time again


Hard for someone to be fascinated time and time again when he's been there for all of fifteen minutes. At the very least, replace "than" with "that".

Obie and Death wrote:“I didn’t feel like it, besides I like the water.”


I'd break this one up, too. "I didn't feel like it. Besides, I like the water."

So yeah. This is really good and has lots of potential, but the dialogue is pretty awkward and just a tad hard to get through at parts. This is easy enough to recognize and fix, but I hope I've helped you to pinpoint at least the base of the problem.
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Hey Tatra, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Oberon managed to get to his dimension between worlds.


We get it, it's between worlds, you don't need to say those two words again here...

The boy had just showed up one day,


I think it's "shown"...

Okay...

II. DEATH

As a character, generally, I like Death. If you've ever read Terry Pratchett, you gotta love his Death. Or the Death in The Book Thief... but what I want to talk about is the role itself of death.

Death doesn't kill people. Death is what happens (or who comes) when people are killed. I mean, Death's not going to be the one to shoot you, Death's going to be the one to take you to the next life after somebody else has done so. Here, however, you say that Death kills people. Which doesn't seem very nice. So think about it, does he kill them, or does he simply clean up after those who do?

Also, the portals. Where exactly are they leading? To different worlds, yes, but which ones? Heaven and hell? Or something different. How do dead people get from one to the other without passing through his little dimension?

I'd just like to see a little more development of the role of Death, make it a bit clearer, because at the moment it's sort of confuzzled.

III. WHY?

I'd like to see more dimensions to the story overall- why does the Maker send Oberon to Death? Who is the Maker, why was he lying on the ground? Why does he want to pay Death back? Shouldn't the two be working in harmony? Why does Oberon remind him of Death?

There are lots of loose ends I think you should tie up....

IV. OVERALL

It was pretty entertaining, but a bit half-formed, more story development, I think, is needed...

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Hi Tatra.

Nice work, I like it I only have a few nit-picks:

(1)

Even after all of these years, the Guardian still didn’t know how Oberon managed to get to his dimension between worlds.


Didn't Oberon tell him how he got there?

“The guy was a right idiot, said that he would give me a taste of my own medicine. I expected that he would punch me or something, but instead he waved his hand and we were standing on a riverbank instead of the middle of the sidewalk.” Oberon paused to take a breath and the Guardian raised his eyebrow. “He told me to head down this way and to tell the first person I met his message, so I suppose I should tell you.”


(2)

Why is the maker angry at death? I want to know. And why would he send Oberon to death.
Tell us more. I want background info.


Sorry for the shortness of the review I hope it was of some small help at least. :)
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