For the which path to take contest

Hello, so, I'm not very whole with this piece, and I hope I could improve it in the future. Thanks^ ^. [Romance fantasy. Sort of.] Enjoy!


Grace was never a girl for adventures. Oh, sure, getting lost, bordering the wrong train, that would be a great story to tell – but a real adventure, one filled with fights and terrifying tales, with magic and excitement, oh, no, that was definitely off limits.
That is why Grace couldn't quite manage to open her mouth, facing the different caves in front of her. It felt like her hands had gone numb.
She watched quietly as emerald sparks burst through one of the caves, and another cave, smaller, shone bizarrely in a strange purple light.
She tried to open her mouth, but then closed it again. This was bad, this was really, really bad. Her stomach jittered in a way that unsettled her. What happened if she couldn't find her way back home? If the strange boat that rowed on it's own wouldn't take her back?
What was this place?
One of the caves seemed like it was covered with something from the back, almost as if something blocked it from inside. Grace squinted, taking a shaking step toward it. It had a door.
A door! The sensation in her hands returned, relief washing all over her small face. Her long, straight blond hair stuck to the back of her neck with the sweat, and she wiped her bangs away from her forehead. Some color returned to her pale cheeks. She stepped determinedly toward the cave with the door, her little feet stomping their way toward the one thing that seemed solid.
She swallowed loudly, stretched one small, pale arm and knocked on the door. It slid open, and Grace tilted her head to the side to see what was in it. A pair of vivid green eyes stared at her curiously from behind it.
Grace held back a scream, and with the determination that no other seven year old could possibly have, looked back at the green eyes without blinking. After a minute or so of staring, the eyes slid back, and she could see a boy. His thin face was framed with ruffled black hair, and he was wearing a battered brown coat, his pants were a tad too big, baggy, and his shirt was a dull grey.
Only now did Grace allow herself to breathe in relief. "I'm – I'm lost," she stammered. The boy nodded without saying a word. She built up her strength, relieved there was someone there at all. "May – may I come in?" she asked in a weak voice.
The boy nodded, and smiled for the first time. His smile was warm, and despite the cool air in the cave, Grace felt suddenly comfortable, almost as of she just imagined the cold before. She stumbled in to the room, strands of her hair flying around her before she regained balance.
"I know this might look bad," she began, but something caught her eye. The room itself was built in a circle, the walls of the cave made of grey rock, smooth. She walked toward the one picture – but could it really be a picture? The details of the frosty mountain were startling. Grace stared, her mouth hanging slightly open as something caught her eye. In the picture, little snow flakes were falling. Now that she was close, her nose, which was almost pressed against the picture, started getting very cold. She jumped back, surprised.
"That's a window," explained a quiet voice softly. Grace skipped back, but as she turned her head, she saw the boy looking at the picture with perfect ease. "I have had time to check that."
Only now did she notice the pointy ears at the sides of his head. She took in a steadying breath. "Nice costume," she said faintly.
The boy chuckled – a fluid sound made of a soft bells. "Not a costume." He shook his head, hands playing with the corner of his weary brown coat.
Grace opened her mouth to speak, then closed it, like before. She turned around to look at the window again, her stomach jittering once more. "How long have you been here?" she asked finally.
The boy with the pointed ears looked up, his green eyes sad and curious. "I can't get out." His voice was wistful.
Grace noticed he avoided her question. "How can I get out?" she asked, her voice trembling.
"You're going to go?" His green eyes were wide, hurt.
"Yes, at the end." Grace nodded, her small hands shaking. "I have a family out there, and a dog, and I can't stay."
The boy nodded. "No, I understand." It really seemed like he didn't, but Grace kept her mouth shut. "It's okay… I'll just be lonely." His gaze turned thoughtful. Even though Grace hardly knew him, she had the urge to hold him tight and promise it was going to be all right. She clamped her hands together behind her back to stop herself from doing so.
"I'm… sorry," she whispered so softly that the boy had to lean in to hear.
"Then don't be." He walked away to the door, holding it open.
"I'll come back!" Something pushed her to say the words.
Faded blush covered the boy's cheeks. "I know," he said gently. "I'll miss you until then, Grace."
And then the door was gone and the boy was gone, and Grace was outside of the cave, shivering as the cold engulfed her. She had a feeling she knew the boy… The suddenness of how it all had disappeared was unsettling. I need to go, she reminded herself. With chattering teeth, she turned toward the boat mechanically, too dazed to pay attention to the lean figure of the girl leaning next to it. Her skin was fair and pale; her eyes were blue and hazel. Her Long blond hair swirled over her face as she rested her head on the boy's shoulder. Her long white dress fluttered a little at the edges as they both watched little Grace climb on the boat clumsily, hands shaking, and the boat carried her away, toward home.
Or rather, away from it.
The girl giggled. "And that was the first time we met – remember?"
The boy laughed his smooth laughter, his whole frame shaking with it. "How could I ever forget?" he asked, his green eyes bright and happy. "I know everything, remember?"
"Ah, that's right," the girl said mockingly. "How could I ever forget that? I mean, it's not like you mention it at all."
The boy rolled his eyes, still laughing. "Let's go home." He pulled at her hand.
She squeezed his hand gently in response, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth. "Yes, let's go home."

Lovly story. needs to know who the girl at the end is.

It is really interesting. if it going to be a love story, then it needs more things in it that has to do with, you know, love. Other then that is rather good.

Hi,
Great story! I liked how you made it as if the girl was watching a scene from her past, neat idea. There were a couple sentences that didn't quite make since.

The room itself was built in a circle, the walls of the cave made of grey rock, smooth.

It just doesn't flow along. Maybe 'smooth grey rock'?

"Yes, at the end."

I'm not sure what you meant here. Other than that it was great.
~Zanna
P.S. I also have a entry in this contest, you should check it out!

Hey, this is an interesting piece here, I do love what you did with the challenge. I do love the glimpse of this world and the story that these two people have. I think that this could use a bit of fleshing out, but I think there is enough details that it gets the story across.

Oh, sure, getting lost or boarding the wrong train, that would be a great story to tell – but a real adventure: one filled with fights and terrifying tales, with magic and excitement? Oh, no, that was definitely off limits.

A couple of things with this first sentence. First of all, there was a misspelling and I would also like to fiddle with the punctuation of this sentence to make things flow better and to clarify a few things. I think that you could connect getting lost and boarding the wrong train and then you could get rid of that third comma. Also, I think that the underlined part could be cut out and the sentence would still make sense, though maybe you just need a semicolon instead of a comma. I replaced another comma with a colon, because you're describing the adventure. Also, the second underlined part could probably be combined much like the earlier part that I combined within the quote. Finally, I cut off the sentence, as it was getting quite long. I think that part of the sentence really was asking a question, anyway.

One last thing: I got a bit confused as to what you meant by her having an adventure being off limits? I mean, why would an adventure be off limits for her? Who set this limit? Also, this whole intro seems a bit off from the rest of the story. Grace is a seven year old girl, why would she board the wrong train? And, though the whole exciting adventure might happen to her later on, but for now all we really see is her finding a door and meeting a small boy.

That is why Grace couldn't quite manage to open her mouth, facing the different caves in front of her. It felt like her hands had gone numb.

I think that this whole paragraph could use a few more details. Why can't she manage to open her mouth? Why are her hands numb? I think you need to connect your readers to what is going on inside Grace's head: what she's thinking of and what's she's feeling while staring at these caves.

She watched quietly as emerald sparks burst through one of the caves and another, smaller cave shone bizarrely in a strange, purple light.

I think that this could be split into two paragraphs to clarify the difference between the two caves. But, I also think it helps to move 'smaller' to an earlier part in the sentence. "Smaller" is an adjective, which usually goes in front of the noun that they are describing. Also, I got rid of one comma and added another. And I've underlined those two words because I think that you should keep only one of them. The two words are similar enough that using them both is a bit redundant. Also, a cave that shines purple is just odd, even if you don't tell us so.

Her stomach jittered in a way that unsettled her.

I like this sentence, how it shows us how she feels in specific words.

This was bad, this was really, really bad. (sentence in the middle here) What happened if she couldn't find her way back home? If the strange boat that rowed on it's own wouldn't take her back?

What was this place?

I think that these sentences should be italicized, so that people can more easily understand that these are Grace's thoughts.

One of the caves seemed like it was covered with something from the back, almost as if something blocked it from inside. Grace squinted, taking a shaking step toward it. It [s]had[/s] was a door.

I'm really not totally sure what the first sentence is really saying. I think that the description could use a bit more clarification. I understand that the cave is blocked off by a door, but it also makes me think that only the last three quarters of the cave is blocked off with the way you worded things. Also, the last sentence didn't really seem right, but I can't totally be sure about this with my confusion over the first sentence.

The sensation in her hands returned, relief washing all over her small face.

Why? What is it about the door that makes her so relieved? What are the thoughts running through her head at the moment?

She swallowed loudly, stretched one small[s], pale[/s] arm and knocked on the door. It slid open, and Grace tilted her head to the side to see what was in it.

I don't like the use of pale in this sentence, because you already said that she was pale in the paragraph before. Also, you seem to have a habit of using a lot of adjectives, which means that you use a lot of commas and that can make your sentences feel a bit choppy. You could write it "She loudly swallowed, stretched out her small arm and knocked on the door. Also, I'm not quite sure that 'slid' is the word that you want. Of course, using sliding while talking about doors make me think of Japanese sliding doors, or automatic doors.

Grace held back a scream, and with the determination that no other seven year old could possibly have, looked back at the green eyes without blinking.

Why is this? I mean, just standing in front of the caves made her so scared, nervous? That she seemed like she would have screamed if something startled her. It just seems a bit strange.

His thin face was framed with ruffled black hair, and he was wearing a battered brown coat. His pants were a tad too big, so they looked baggy, and his shirt was a dull grey.

I split this sentence up because of the way you used the connector words and punctuation, but otherwise, you might want to get rid of that first and if you want to keep it together. Then, having "big, baggy," was a bit too choppy, so I added in a few words that helped to explain things and gave a bit of distance between the commas.

I do love the interaction between Grace and the boy, though Grace seems to waver a bit between sounding like a child and someone older.

The suddenness of how it all had disappeared was unsettling.

What disappeared? The cave and the boy are still there; is she speaking about those strange feelings of hers? This sentence needs clarification as to what 'it' is.

With chattering teeth, she turned toward the boat mechanically, too dazed to pay attention to the lean figure of the girl leaning next to it.

First, I don't really like 'of the girl' in this sentence, though your description of her in the next sentence does mean that it has to be mentioned. Second, you say later that she is resting her head on a boy, which means that there technically is two figures that Grace doesn't notice. Third, is the girl leaning against the boat? Or is she leaning against the cave wall? Because this sounds as though she was leaning against the boat and, if that's the case, she will soon lose her spot when Grace takes the boat.

Her skin was fair and pale;[s] her eyes were blue and hazel.[/s] Her Long blond hair swirled over her face as she rested her head on the boy's shoulder. Her long white dress fluttered a little at the edges as they both watched little Grace clumsily climb on the boat, as her hands were shaking, and the boat carried her away, toward home.

Several things here. I think that you should refine the sentence before I started this quote to mention that there were two figures, and then maybe start this sentence with 'the female's skin was...' Also, I don't think that you should mention her eyes, as Grace's eye color was never mentioned. And I do think that some distinction needed to be made between the figures watching and Grace's movements. I'm not totally happy with moving the adverb and adding the three words later on in the sentence, but it's up to you to fiddle with the words.

I do really love the ending to this one, as it hints to a bigger story, but I think it might be a bit too vague. I mean, I got the fact that the figure that Grace didn't notice was Grace herself after a few years and the second one was the boy when he was older, but it seemed like some of the other reviewers didn't make that connection. That was part of the reason why I recommended that you cut out the description of the eyes when describing the older Grace.

But, there's also just the fact that we have no idea about what is really going on. We have no idea how 7 year old Grace came to the caves in the first place, or how the boy got there, or where they both came from. And we have no idea how they got to the point where they are together and feel so comfortable with one another. We also have no idea how the older couple was able to come back to see their younger selves. I realize that you can't explain all of these questions within this story, and I do suggest that you should write a longer story for this marvelous world, but I also think that you could add a few more details within the end of this story. Slip a few more details into their dialogue at the end of the story, maybe even Grace's name with the boy's last line.

All in all, I really do like this story and the story that it suggests. I think it just needs a few more details added to it and it will really shine.

Feel free to pm me with any questions and good luck with the contest!

- Tatra

Some of my own comments.

Grace was never a girl for adventures. Oh, sure, getting lost, bordering the wrong train, that would be a great story to tell – but a real adventure, one filled with fights and terrifying tales, with magic and excitement, oh, no, that was definitely off limits.

This isn't really a great way of starting a story. There is just an implied "but" in that first sentence. The first sentence says she doesn't like adventure, but the rest of the paragraph says that she isn't as adventurous as some of us. She may still like adventures, just the small ones.

If your character doesn't like adventure, then say so in no uncertain terms. You can use that opening of yours to underscore an important character trait, i.e. her not liking adventure. If you are really clever, you may have her get into the adventure because of this character trait, rather than in spite of it.

"Grace did not like adventure. She lived her life from one day to the next and took comfort in her daily routine. She wouldn't change it for a moment and if you told her that her life would change, she would leave in a hurry, as if she could outrun your words."

That is why Grace couldn't quite manage to open her mouth, facing the different caves in front of her. It felt like her hands had gone numb.

Whoa! Hold the presses! What are we doing?

How did we go from, "she was never one for adventure..." to caves!

Maybe your thought process is this: "Man, my first paragraph was really slow and kind of boring. I'll make up for it by adding this cave thing here!" It's a rookie mistake and it's based in impatience.

Don't start a story with an avalanche, start it with a snowball. In the first paragraph or two, you can describe the idyllic life of Grace. You can play puppetmaster for a little while saying "Look how perfect and great her life is. Little does she know that I'm going to throw her into a trap that will enthrall my readers and thus terrify her utterly and completely. MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

For every trap there is a trigger mechanism. Grace could be a shepherd and herd her sheep around for years without ever discovering the caves. The trigger mechanism is the thing that leads her to discover the caves. Maybe a lamb wanders away and she goes off to look for it and discovers the caves during her search. The lamb is the trigger in this case. Without that lamb, we have no conflict and no story.

It also hooks our readers. They started reading to find out what happened to the lamb. Suddenly, they find the plot thicken with the discovery of the caves. They may know what happens to the lamb, now they want to find out what happens with the caves. A good writer will make it so that the readers get deeper and deeper into the story. This is when you hear about people who literally can't put the book down, otherwise they would be in the agony of suspense.

The storytelling is very clunky because you don't take the time to set up the story or the characters. So when things do happen, they seem to happen out of nowhere, as if you just decided to plop your character in front of a cave. People don't appear in situations, they put themselves into situations and you need to show how they got themselves into the situation, not just the situation.

Writing a story is very much about showing the cause and effect. The trigger is the accident which starts the cause and effect cycle.

There is a bit of intuition when it comes to writing, so that you can actually feel the flow of a story. You know when a character is uncharacteristic, you know when the plot is out of whack, and you can definitely tell when something is written wrong. It takes a lot of time and a lot of practice to build that up.

I suggest you try re-writing this story again, paying closer attention to who the character is and how she ends up, by accident or design, involved in the greater conflict.

Hi
Good job writing your story, I liked it. I've just got a few nitpicks for you, though;

One of the caves seemed like it was covered with something from the back

I would get rid of 'the back' and replace it with behind.

her little feet stomping their way toward the one thing that seemed solid.

This just doesn't seem right. When you stomp it's cause your angry and I didn't get the feeling that she was mad. Stomping and walking are two different things.

the walls of the cave made of grey rock, smooth.

This sentence sounded weird to me. Maybe change it to something like; the walls of the cave were made of smooth, gray rock.

I have a family out there, and a dog, and I can't stay.

This sentence doesn't sound quite right. I would try something like; I have a family out there, and a dog. I can't stay.

Her Long blond hair

No capital for 'long'

Keep working on it, though!

~Tayla