Tick. Tock.

Tick. Tock.

Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Your adolescent heart punches at the anticipation of those last few moments. Your heartbeat falling in with the rhythm of the incessant clock on the wall. Each pulse a second closer. The shortest part of your day becomes an eternity. Closer and closer to that moment when the adrenaline rushes into your blood stream just as the flow of students runs out the door.

Nothing can hasten the clock as it tolls its misery on the impatient children. It just hangs there on the white painted walls jeering at us, teasing us. Still quicker and quicker are thoughts race past the ill kept clock. Our daydream flying us away from text books and pencils. Away from insane substitutes and mind ripping final exams.

We can hear it but only barely, the ticking. We can see it in the peripheral vision of our dream beating at our ears for attention like a drill major blowing his shrill whistle. But farther and farther away we escape to swimming pools and endless days of mud and fun. Fudgesicles running off your chin onto the wet grass below your sprinkler. Gentle morning sun rays caressing your sticky fingers. BBBRRRIIINNNGGG!!!

BBBRRRIIINNNGGG!!! You know your feet are moving but can barely feel the floor. You’re free from the clock, letters and numbers. Faster and faster we dash out the door following our daydream. Summer.

Hi, Ambrosia!

This was really creative! I like how you set the tone. We could really feel the anticipation in this.

You know your feet are moving but can barely feel the floor.

I'm not sure if this should be "but you can barely feel the floor" or "they can barely feel the floor"; either one, I think there should be an additional word there. ^_^

I'm not so sure I enjoyed the changing from "You" to "We". While that gave it a more personal feel, it seemed to disrupt the flow of this. At first, it seemed like an outsider, or a firsthand experience for the reader, but then, as it picked up and changed to "we" that pretty much scattered.

It was fine in the third paragraph, but in the final paragraph when you have both "you" and "we" it kind of stuck out.


Really nice work! Keep it up!


Juniper

Hey cnvalambrosia, never fear, lily here…on second thought, that might be cause to fear. ^^ grrr

So I won’t nitpick because there isn’t much to nitpick upon here. In fact, springrain found the only problem I had as far as little things go.

But what I wanted to do was go a little deeper into the tense change that occurred from the start of the story to the end. You began wit “you” meaning that you began in second person. Generally, this is a very uncommon way to write because it can come off to the reader as being very demanding. You! said this. You! wrote that. That’s why most stories aren’t written in second person.

However, as you moved through the story, you transferred to second person using “we” instead. This sort of change to first has much the same effect as you, at least with this story. You are telling your audience what you and now them are doing. This change had a bit of a negative effect.

Making an exception with this particular piece, I have to say that the use of second person isn’t bad because you aren’t talking about action so much as feelings and emotions that almost anyone can relate to. So I would recommend going through and making certain that the entire piece is in second person.

What you’ve done here is the start of something great and with a little work, it could be fabulous.. If you have any questions, just feel free to PM me.

~lilymoore

thank you, for voicing your opinions.
I understand what you're saying, because my mom said the same thing(Literature teacher).
As you can see I ignored her.

When I was writing it I did this on purpose meaning to give it a hectic kind of effect, because of excitement.
I guess it didn't turn out that way so I'll work on it soon like ya'll said.
check out RISEN!!!!

thanx

One thing -

"Still quicker and quicker are thoughts race past the ill kept clock"

"quicker and quicker our thoughts..." I think, and "ill-kept clock" with the hyphen.

cnvalambrosia wrote:Tick. Tock.

Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Your adolescent heart punches at the anticipation of those last few moments.

Last few moments of what?

cnvalambrosia wrote: Your heartbeat falling in with the rhythm of the incessant clock on the wall.

I think it should be - 'Your Heartbeat is falling in the rhythm...

cnvalambrosia wrote: Each pulse a second closer.

Each pulse is a second closer.

cnvalambrosia wrote: The shortest part of your day becomes an eternity.

The Shortest part of your day? If you are talking about School, your actually in school for the majority of time. The Majority of time you're a awake, anyway.

cnvalambrosia wrote: Closer and closer to that moment when the adrenaline rushes into your blood stream just as the flow of students runs out the door.

This sentence should be prefaced by 'you get'.

cnvalambrosia wrote:Nothing can hasten the clock as it tolls its misery on the impatient children. It just hangs there on the white painted walls jeering at us, teasing us.

Okay, you should probably keep the same voice throughout your whole story and not switch. In this case, that means sticking with 'You'. Also, the last sentence should be : It just hangs there on the white painted walls as it jeers and teases us.

cnvalambrosia wrote: Still quicker and quicker are thoughts race past the ill kept clock. Our daydream flying us away from text books and pencils. Away from insane substitutes and mind ripping final exams.

'are' should be 'our'. And daydream should be 'daydreams', 'flying should be 'fly'. The period should be a comma.

cnvalambrosia wrote:We can hear it but only barely, the ticking. We can see it in the peripheral vision of our dream beating at our ears for attention like a drill major blowing his shrill whistle. But farther and farther away we escape to swimming pools and endless days of mud and fun. Fudgesicles running off your chin onto the wet grass below your sprinkler. Gentle morning sun rays caressing your sticky fingers. BBBRRRIIINNNGGG!!!

The first sentence is a little awkwardly phrased. Try "We can hear the ticking, but only slightly." Other than that that, good paragraph.

cnvalambrosia wrote:BBBRRRIIINNNGGG!!! You know your feet are moving but can barely feel the floor. You’re free from the clock, letters and numbers. Faster and faster we dash out the door following our daydream. Summer.

You know your feet are moving but you can barely feel the floor.

Other than that, it's an awesome and cute little story. I really liked the voice. It's unique. Give me a PM if you ever post anything more - i'd love to read it.