The Dancing Bones

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Every Halloween night, when darkness falls, old things come alive. Old magics and old spirits awaken and step out upon the world they have not seen for a year. Cemeteries tremble and shake as the long dead residents rise from their graves. With a clatter of bones and a swishing of disintegrating clothes, the bodies rise and move to the center. And in a clearing that wasn’t there before, they gather in a circle. Out of the darkness comes a demonling, baring a torch of ghostly white fire, a soul, damned to burn for eternity. As the fire settles in the center, the festivities begin. Masks appear in the hands of all, a wailing music rises from the depths of Hell, and they begin to dance. They partner up and start with the waltz. A sight not meant for mortal eyes, those dancing bones that pulled on their old, transparent skins, with their bones showing through.

The dark mistress of this ghoulish court floats smoothly across the dance floor. Clothed in a dress of black lace as fine and clinging as a spiders web, she is beautiful and terrible all at once. In her voice are the Hounds of Hell, their baying could drive one mad. In her hair are bleached white sculls, which she wears like ribbons or beads. Blood sucking bats flutter around her, her faithful little pets. And at her side, her chaperon, is a being you can’t look at straight.

From the corner of your eye he has two heads, maybe more, and fangs a gleaming white. His eyes hold a fiery death to any who dare look upon him. He is the guardian of Hell’s gates, the three headed dog, Cerberus, and she is his mistress, Lady Death.

In their motley court are Famine, Murder, Plague, and Time, Rage, Vengeance, War, and Hate.
One young mortal child, a foolish little boy, steps forward, his eyes wide. He lets out a shriek, a pitiful little sound and covers his suddenly burning eyes. Blindly he stumbles, trying to run, but he runs in the wrong direction. Lady Death smiles and kneels in the dirt, throwing her arms open wide and just as he comes close enough to touch…the music stops.

The witching hour has come to an end, the beings return to their graves. The fire is gone, the moon bright and full, and the court of Ghouls have returned to their domain. They found him there, in the very center of the cemetery.

He was rocking and rocking and rocking.

And the mad, mad boy became a mad, mad man. In a white, white room. And he talks, talks, talks, about the full, full moon and the sad, sad song, and the dancing, dancing, bones…
"Thus is life, live it...or die trying."




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I think this story has good potential, but still needs some work. It was very short, which usually cuts away most of the suspense, which I imagine is what you were aiming for. (It is a Halloween story, after all!) The part about the boy, suddenly stumbling onto a secret gathering of dead, seemed hastily thrown in. And from a realistic point of view, what was a little boy doing in a cemetary in the middle of night? If the story was put into the boy's perspective-maybe he was lost, and heard the voices of the dead and decided to ask for help, not knowing what they were-it would have worked out better. The horrors from the eyes of a child would be amplified tenfold. I don't know what your idea was, but I can't understand why Lady Death would choose this particular graveyard to appear in. Maybe there is a reason, but it's not explained.

On a good note, there were some original ideas throughout. The torch, really a soul condemned to burn for all eternity, was something I've never heard of before. I like how you gave the ghostly courtiers names fitting for Halloween.

Well, your idea was really great, it just needs a little....tweaking. :)
"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."

Lady Gaga




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Hello! Basket here to critique your piece for today, I hope you don't mind. Okay, my corrections/what I will be correcting are going to be in bold within the cool quotation boxes we can do here.
Sound good? Great. Lets get started. :D


A sight not meant for mortal eyes, those dancing bones that pulled on their old, transparent skins, with their bones showing through.

Repatition in here with the word "bones". Maybe try and find another word for it?

In her voice are the Hounds of Hell, their baying could drive one mad.

Change that comma into a semicolon. :)

He lets out a shriek, a pitiful little sound and covers his suddenly burning eyes.

These don't go together. Why don't you try saying:
"a pitiful little sound against the music of Death's party."
Or something of the like, because, if you leave it as is, it contradicts itself since a shriek is usually very loud in comparison to a "pitiful little sound". :wink:

Blindly he stumbles, trying to run, but he runs in the wrong direction.

Repetative once again. Try and fix that. :wink:


I really, really liked this! Like, a lot. Good job!
The only thing I can think of to mention is watching the bit of repetativeness and fix the few grammical errors.
Other than that, kudos to you!
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Nice little one-shot!

And in a clearing that wasn’t there before, they gather in a circle.


Could just be me, but you're typically not supposed to start a sentence with "and", and it doesn't seem to be necessary here.

In her hair are bleached white sculls, which she wears like ribbons or beads.


I think you mean skulls, not sculls, and I'm not sure you need the comma before "which".

In their motley court are Famine, Murder, Plague, and Time, Rage, Vengeance, War, and Hate.


I just thought this series was a little weird with how you put it. The "and"s are in odd places. Maybe you can figure out something to do with that, or just leave it be?

Lady Death smiles and kneels in the dirt, throwing her arms open wide and just as he comes close enough to touch…the music stops.


I was so waiting for something to happen here! The ellipses is supposed to create a dramatic pause and suspense, and that's good. If I were doing it, I'd make "the music stops" into a new paragraph, just to emphasize it. I know, it's not poetry, so technically you're not supposed to play with grammar like that.. but hey, it's your writing.

The witching hour has come to an end, the beings return to their graves.


You need either a period or a semicolon here.

The fire is gone, the moon bright and full, and the court of Ghouls have returned to their domain.


I think the extra "and" distracts from it a little. Maybe you could stick with one adjective?

Sorry about the nitpicking. ^^; I hope this helps. Nice piece; I did like it.




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Heya there!

Old magics and old spirits awaken and step out upon the world they have not seen for a year.


Old sounds a little repetitive here and I would nix the second one. But it may be just me.

And in a clearing that wasn’t there before, they gather in a circle.


I would nix and as 'tis unneeded.

A sight not meant for mortal eyes, those dancing bones that pulled on their old, transparent skins, with their bones showing through.


This whole sentence seems awkward. I would reword it. This is just a suggestion:

A sight not meant for mortal eyes. Those dancing dead pulling on their old transparents skins, with their bones showing through.

In her hair are bleached white sculls, which she wears like ribbons or beads.


Skulls not sculls. Also, what kind of skulls? Animal, human? How tall is this lady? What else does she look like?

And at her side, her chaperon, is a being you can’t look at straight.


I don't fancy the "you" in this. It just doesn't flow right. In my opinion, it should say "one". ;)

At her side, her chaperon, a being one can't look at straight.

From the corner of your eye he has two heads, maybe more, and fangs a gleaming white. His eyes hold a fiery death to any who dare look upon him. He is the guardian of Hell’s gates, the three headed dog, Cerberus, and she is his mistress, Lady Death.


Why not just say he has three heads right away so you aren't contradicting yourself?

In their motley court are Famine, Murder, Plague, and Time, Rage, Vengeance, War, and Hate.


I would introduce these into the story. Give them goulish, impish, etc. features. You want this to be a Halloween story. You need to make it more suspensful and frightening. As your reader, I feel nothing towards this story. I can see everything happening, but I feel no emotion.

One young mortal child, a foolish little boy, steps forward, his eyes wide.


What's a child doing there? Perhaps you could have the boy---on his way home from trick or treating---wandering around. He happens to pass the graveyard and is captivated by the dead's celebration. Before he knows it he's walking forwards. It makes sense to why he's there and gives your reader a character we can sympathize with.

The witching hour has come to an end, the beings return to their graves. The fire is gone, the moon bright and full, and the court of Ghouls have returned to their domain. They found him there, in the very center of the cemetery.


Spice this up a bit! Give it some description. Descibe how the beings melt into their graves and the Lady of Death drifts away with Cerberus and all the other motley characters (Famine and all them).

He was rocking and rocking and rocking.


Describe how he was sitting. The look on his face. Givehim some emotion!

~~~~~

This piece has a lot of potential. You need to develop your characters and bring them to life. Also, spice everything up. If this is suppose to be a Halloween story, it's failed in giving me shivers. Give it emotion, give it characters and give it some more suspense and description and you'll have a wonderful piece.

I really enjoyed reading it and I hope I helped. PM if you have any questions. I'll be more then happy to help you out. I love Halloween stories ;)

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




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First of all, my biggest problem is that it seemed that in the end you were trying to make it about this boy that saw all these ghosts, but he was only there for a little bit. You started off ok, then rushed to the ending. You didn't take much time with this and it shows. If it's at Halloween,make the kid get lost from trick or treating and find this place, or maybe he got there on a dare. You definently need to extend it though to make it worthwhile.




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Thank you all for your suggestions, they are much appreciated. I will be editing it soon.
"Thus is life, live it...or die trying."




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Is there a revised edition forthcoming? I hope so...
"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."

Lady Gaga



mashed potatoes are v a l i d
— Liminality