Untitled

Chapter 1

My name is Awenasa. It means “my home” in the language of the white man. Because it is not a “proper” name, they call me Sadie. The white men, they came into my homeland and killed many of my people including my family. They spared me though; they said that I would “be a great child-bearer”. They took two other girls from my tribe. We were all scared and alone but did whatever the white men told us to do. Every night though, I look to the stars, because that is where I know my family is now and that they are watching over me from up above with all of our ancestors.
It was very, very cold out; they would not let us cover us with warm clothing. It was V-s-gi-yi, the coldest stage of the moon. The sun was falling behind the hills, so they made us set up camp. I put up my tent, the White man’s version of a tee pee, and crawled into it under my covers. After the white men went to bed, I crept out of my tent as silent as a hawk. It was a clear night out; I could see all of the stars. I looked up and saw my father in the stars, it was amazing. He had his bow and arrow and he looked just like I remembered him . I named the stars that formed him, Tooantuh (spring frog), because that was his name. As I looked around, I saw mother too. Her favorite animal was a ram, and that must be what she became after her life on earth was done. I named her group of stars Adsila (Blossom) . To the left of her, I saw my sister Amadahy (Forest Water) . She loved snakes, so this was only fitting for her. I felt more comfortable with the white men now that I knew my family was with me always.
The white man called me back into my tent. He sounded upset. I went in and he had me listen to him talk for a long time. The sun started rising, and I wanted to see my family one last time, I ran outside to look, but they had moved, you couldn’t even see father anymore. He must have gone to sleep behind the hill. I was very upset that I couldn’t say goodbye to father or the rest of my family. The white man called me in, I said to him, “I am sorry, for I have been rude. What is your name?” He said to me, “My name is Mark; my brother’s name is Travis. We are packing up and getting ready to move to the next camp location. So get your stuff and let’s get ready to go.” I did as I was told and began packing my things.

Hey ShaydeDesiree!
For the most part, your spelling and grammar is great! But here's what I thought could be changed:

Because it is not a “proper” name, they call me Sadie.

So, does Awenasa know English before she is captured by the colonists? If so, from where did she learn it and who christianed her as Sadie? If this occurs later on, I think it's best you leave the name for later and simply call her Awenasa for now.

Every night though, I look to the stars, because that is where I know my family is now and that they are watching over me from up above with all of our ancestors.

A strange use of tense here, and the word 'though' seems out of place. Perhaps you could try something along the lines of "But every night I looked up to the stars, because I knew my family was up in the sky and watched over me with all of our ancestors."

It was very, very cold out;

Ach, this phrase is pretty bland. Using 'very' twice isn't that impactful. Describe the situation! How's everything like around her?

I put up my tent, the White man’s version of a tee pee, and crawled into it under my covers.

Doing a little bit of research, it says that teepees, or tipis, were used mostly by Native Americans who lived on the Plains. This makes me wonder: from which tribe does Awenasa come from? When does this story take place? This is important if you are going to continue this, since you should keep things consistent.

It was a clear night out; I could see all of the stars. I looked up and saw my father in the stars, it was amazing.

Saying it was amazing doesn't quite make it amazing for the reader. Tell us how it looked! Also, the repetition of 'stars' is a little weird. Maybe you could rephrase it.

I named the stars that formed him, Tooantuh (spring frog), because that was his name.

The parentheses feel out of place here. I think that simple commas would work better in the story. “I named the stars Tooantuh, meaning ‘spring frog’, because that was my father’s name.”

To the left of her, I saw my sister Amadahy (Forest Water) . She loved snakes, so this was only fitting for her.

I’m just unsure of how snakes and the name forest water relates. Also, you should probably leave ‘forest water’ in lowercase, to keep consistency.

The white man called me in, I said to him, “I am sorry, for I have been rude. What is your name?” He said to me, “My name is Mark; my brother’s name is Travis. We are packing up and getting ready to move to the next camp location. So get your stuff and let’s get ready to go.” I did as I was told and began packing my things.

So this here confirms that Awenasa knows English, which perplexes me quite greatly. Or I’ve misunderstood and Mark can speak in her native tongue. If you could clarify this, it would make your story clearer. If she does know English, we need to know from where she learned it. It seems illogical that settlers at that time would teach a Native American girl English and then allow her to go back home to her old traditions. Back then it was all about ‘converting the heathens’ and whatnot. It’s much more likely that they would have kept her, with or without her consent, until she finally assimilated into their society. So for your story to make sense, Awenasa cannot know English. What she knows about them is limited to her reading their body language. Maybe when they mention her being a child-bearer, they make some obscene gesture or look at her with a strange glance. When Mark talks to her, perhaps he uses his limited knowledge of her language or makes symbols with his hands. Between two people who know little about each other and don’t speak the same language, it’s going to be a while before they figure out a mutual form of communication.

Overall, I feel the story is full of telling and not enough showing. This feels like a lot for the first chapter. The reader doesn't get to know the situation too well. I do enjoy what you have here, but you should slow things down and take the time to describe! Maybe the first chapter is only your first paragraph; talk about her home, and let the reader know her family and customs first. Then the white men move in and invade their home. How does Awenasa feel about all of that? You only allude to it here. When they killed her family, was she crying? Was she trying her best to protect others? Was she hiding in a tipi with other women? You have a great idea, and I am excited to see what happens next. But set a slower pace and give the reader time to grasp the situations you set out.
Please PM me if you have questions! Best wishes to you,
octo