Blades and Bargains Pt III

The one clad in strips of black cloth slipped inside the stone window. Before him, sitting on a simple chair, was a man in a crimson cloak. He smiled as the assassin approached him.

“You’ve done it,” the man in the chair said.

The assassin laughed. “Of course. Easiest job I’ve ever taken.”

A sack of coins was tossed through the air. The assassin caught it.

“Count it. You’ll find that the agreed amount is there.”

The assassin simply pocketed it. “I find it unlikely that Kylan, advisor to Naldar, would cheat me out of money.”

“I still like to be completely honest with those I deal with,” the one called Kylan said.

“Is that why you went behind both of their backs?” the assassin asked.

Kylan smirked. “Amarian needed encouragement, needed to know that he had learned enough from Naldar to be welcomed as his son. But, simply telling him that would only make him doubt it. He is peculiar that way. He is his own worst detractor.”

The assassin laughed. “You still hid it from the warlord himself though.”

“Naldar, despite the fact that he is a centaur, believes in a strong sense of honor. He might not show it all the time, but it is still there. He would not go along with this, simply allowing Amarian to win in order to bolster his confidence.”

“Sounds like you’re taking a big risk.”

Kylan nodded. “I am. But the dividends will be worth it. Amarian, as Naldar’s son and heir, will take Nanthrazil in a direction that promises us continued power and prestige. And Naldar, despite all outward appearances, desires Amarian as his son very much. His pride simply does not let him show it. Besides, I would like to think that if Naldar or Amarian ever found out what I have done, that by that time the rewards will be so great that they will not mind my interference.”

The assassin chuckled and shook his head. “You’re a strange one, Kylan You’re one of the few men in this place. The only one in the world that Naldar treats like a friend.”

“There are reasons for that, Creep,” Kylan said, leaning forward. “Just as there are reasons for you being so far from your home. We shall leave it at that, won’t we?”

“If that is what you desire,” the assassin called Creep said. “I myself wish to quit this place. Those wolves of Naldar’s have just about driven me crazy. I cannot sleep when they prowl about. I’m heading to Annoria to pick up some more jobs, hopefully with fewer dogs.”

Kylan nodded and rose. He held out his hand. “Thank you again for your aid.”

Creep shook the advisor’s hand. “I owed it to you anyway, for five years ago. Though I consider that paid now. If you want another job, you pay full price now.”

Kylan shrugged his shoulders. “As you wish.”

Creep turned and left the room through the window he had entered it in. Kylan stared out after him, at the starry night above Nanthrazil.

Mister Rice! The last part!

“I still like to be completely honest with those I deal with,” the one called Kylan said.

I know that this is correct, but I just don't like the way it sounds. That's only my opinion though. If you want to keep it, go ahead. It just sounds very awkward to me.

“Naldar, despite the fact that he is a centaur, believes in a strong sense of honor.

So...centaurs are not usually honorable? I'm not sure what you actually mean here, but that's what it sounds like. That's just kind of confusing to me.


Description This part could have had some more description, too. I mean, were they in Kylan's bedroom? Where were they? Give us more of the background. Did the moon shine through the window and upon Kylan's face? Some simply details like that. More would be great!


I love this story. I do, I do, I do. It all worked out so well and it was very well written. I laughed for the longest time whenever I saw Kylan in the story. I love it. And I am now [s]down[/s] done with this completely epic 212 word review.


Feel free to PM or IM me if you have any questions or comments.

*Lin

Hi Conrad!

This was an excellent finish to the story. It sealed all of the events in nicely, and made your audience pity Naldar for not knowing the full truth.

The only thing I want to point at is this:

“If that is what you desire,” the assassin called Creep said. “I myself wish to quit this place. Those wolves of Naldar’s have just about driven me crazy. I cannot sleep when they prowl about. I’m heading to Annoria to pick up some more jobs, hopefully with fewer dogs.”

The bolded line just sticks out as icky. It doesn't flow well with the rest of the story, dear. It's as if you're taking a break to introduce Creep before returning to your original style.


A wonderful chapter, Con. It's so hard to review your work, because it's pften very, very well written. Nice job on this.

Juniper

I loved it.

I'm not real big on centaursbut i loved this it was great I want to read more on Amarian

Part three is now up for review!

“Naldar, despite the fact that he is a centaur, believes in a strong sense of honor.

After reading Linx's review, I can see where she was confused with this. I didn't pick up on it, knowing mythology the way I do, but it is something to consider when characterizing a race like this. Make sure you give the standard and the exception.

He would not go along with this, simply allowing Amarian to win in order to bolster his confidence.”

Nice tie-in to "the assassin seemed to be toying with him" from part two.

desires Amarian as his son very much.

The "very much" here feels pretty tacked-on I find. Mostly because it leaves the idea slightly incomplete. It hints at so much but nothing is said.

We shall leave it at that, won’t we?”

You used "will" and "shall" to describe the same action here. I find that makes the dialogue somewhat hard to read. I would like to see "shall" replaced with "will" to make it easier. It won't be repetitive, since the tense changes.

That, or my issue here isn't the text itself. It's more how this hints to so much more that we want to know about these two characters that it makes the plot and this scene feel so unfinished. The thought to hint at something more was a good one, but it leaves the reader hanging so much that it doesn't feel finished at the end of this. Although I think that's what you wanted.

“If that is what you desire,” the assassin called Creep said.

You're double-naming your character here. It feels redundant. We know he's the assassin, and we now know he's called Creep. Pick one or the other. (The reason I didn't point this out when you named Kylan was we didn't have a title for him. Because of that, it worked)

Kylan shrugged his shoulders.

"His shoulders" is redundant.

Creep turned and left the room through the window he had entered it in.

"It in" or even just "it" is a bit too much at the end of this sentence. It's also slightly redundant.

Kylan stared out after him

"Out" needs "the window" to feel complete.

*

What is it about this segment? I like the twist but at the same time, I don't like the scene itself very much. It gives us too much information, really. We want to know more. Lots more. Like what happened five years ago, what the debt everybody owes the other is, what these cities and lands are, ect. Not to mention wanting to find out more about Amarian becoming a centaur. It feels so incomplete I find myself looking for a part IV somewhere. Or even a part V.

The introduction of Kylan, well, despite expecting it I still found it odd just because I know that name. It was done well, I find. Just enough mystery at the beginning and casual tone of the assassin identifying him leaves us with a nice shock value. However some of his dialogue felt incomplete (I have a feeling I'm going to be coming back to that issue a lot...) and slightly stiff/forced. Like it works for a centaur but not a human. Actually, Kylan's tone is more formal than anybody else's, which at first I didn't think possible. His character as a whole was good. Very real and human.

The casual tone that everything was given in was really what left me wanting more. I didn't mind the lack of description so much, since I just assumed that this was a meeting place with no value outside of that (empty towers come to mind). But, like in part II only more so, there isn't enough history and explanation in here. We're left wanting so much more backstory that the ending, no matter how beautifully it ends this story, doesn't end the other stories that you've thrown on us in the last part of this.

That's about it. Like I told you before, if you wanted a story to spring off of this would be it, but there's just so much we want to know here it detracts from the otherwise beautiful ending.

Drop me a line with questions.

~Rosey