Timekeeper

Timekeeper
Prologue

She ran her fingers over the blade in her pocket and stared blankly at the hands of the watch as they ticked away the last moments. Her heart skipped, and for a moment she nearly lost her cool to despair. She wouldn’t fail, she reassured herself. She knew what to do. It would be a disgrace if she didn’t know. After all, the long hours preparing, of reading the ancient volumes and diaries all leading up to this moment were all she had to show for her life. After all this time if she didn’t know that would be a whole life gone to waste.
All that made up her being swam before her eyes, the hazy memories of her infancy changed into the clearer more defined memories of her youth. She wondered how the life she had lead would compare to that of a normal being. She couldn’t be sure, as she wasn’t a normal being. But she thought that the life of a regular being would be longer, and the time would be filled by joy and warmth rather than an aching loneliness. From the first day she learned about her destiny, people had told her that everybody in the world would thank her if she succeeded, that she should feel honoured. But she didn’t feel honoured, not once in all those years gone by and not now, alone in this terrible room.
7 minutes left now, it was almost time. She struggled to hold back the tears that welled in her eyes to no avail. She sank to the floor and sobbed silently, though she knew it would do no good. Whether she fulfilled her destiny or not, she would end up in the same place. The only difference it would make was how many people she took with her. She could be strong… she knew she could be strong. She couldn’t let all those people die; knowing that they could continue to live happy lives because of her sacrifice could bring her inner peace. But even as the thought crossed her mind a fresh string of sobs started, and she knew that only half of her believed it. 17 years isn’t enough time she thought miserably, not for a normal being and not for a Timekeeper. Her predecessor hadn’t been born until six years into the cycle and then he lived to be 87 years old, 87!
How is it that he had so much more time than she did? She hadn’t done anything wrong or differently! Everything that had been asked of her, she did willingly. She went above and beyond the call so why did she have to end it now? She looked up, 5 minutes to go. She stifled her sobs and quickly dried her eyes. She took the knife from her cloak pocket and clenched her knuckles around it hard so they showed white. It was time. It was time to be strong. All the doubt vanished from her mind; this was the purpose of her life, what she was born for. Crying hadn’t changed anything, no matter how much she wished it would have. She grabbed the watch and uttered several strange and long phrases. Some she spoke softly and slowly, some she spoke loud and fast.
When there were fifteen seconds left she closed her eyes and with lightning quickness slashed open her right arm, shoulder to fingertip with the knife. She gasped, faced with the most intense physical pain of her life. Somehow she managed to turn the dial on the back of the watch, letting her blood cover it in a crimson wave in the millisecond before the watch struck midnight. She stood breathing heavily as the blood from her right arm continued to flow freely onto the floor. She felt herself slipping away into the darkness that now seemed all consuming, but forced herself to keep her eyes open to witness her legacy. The watch stayed frozen at midnight for what seemed like an eternity. Then suddenly a beautiful and terrifying light seemed to surge from within and the hands began to fly backwards until they reached 12:01, and began at a far slower pace than before, to tick forward.
She sighed in relief, it was finally over. The pain, the loneliness, the crushing weight that was always holding her down, it was all over. All that was left was to embrace the warm and comforting darkness. All her strength exhausted she fell to the floor in a bloody heap and died.

Well written and intriguing but I simply exited without commenting the first time because she dies at the end.
A prologue is supposed to make you want to read the book but if we know the heroine dies we son't want to read it.
Try just saying that she fell to the floor in a bloody heap. With out the and died part. Give your readers at least some hope.
Also try reading your prolohue out loud to yourself, any places where you stuble over your words you should fix, I came accross a few of these and that exercise works best for me.

Cheers!

Seven minutes left now; it was almost time.

In most instances of numbers, unless it’s something like a year or 423,478, it should be spelled out.
Since these are two independent clauses, you should use a semicolon or dash, not a comma.

She couldn’t let all those people die, knowing that they could continue to live happy lives because of her sacrifice could bring her inner peace.

You did the opposite here. The second part is a dependant clause. Just add a comma.

Seventeen years isn’t enough time, she thought miserably, not for a normal being and not for a Timekeeper.

Treat thoughts the same a spoken dialogue, except in italics. And there’s another number that should be written out.

When there were fifteen seconds left she closed her eyes and with lightning quickness slashed open her right arm, shoulder to fingertip, with the knife.

A comma to help separate the descriptive phrase.

Then suddenly a beautiful and terrifying light seemed to surge from within and the hands began to fly backwards until they reached 12:01, and began at a far slower pace than before, to tick forward.

This is a run-on sentence. Try rewording it or turning one of the clauses into its own sentence.

She sighed in relief; it was finally over.

Another semicolon.

All her strength exhausted, she fell to the floor in a bloody heap and died.

I’m not sure if this is required grammatically, but I’d put a comma there, if only to add a slight pause.

One last criticism: The part where you mention she has five minutes left and the part where she cuts herself seem a little too close. Maybe make the time shorter. Just a suggestion.


All in all, this was a very well-written piece. Most of the things I pointed out were huge nitpicks. I’m really curious as to what a Timekeeper does; though, like Endless Secrets said, I’m not sure if you should reveal the fate of the main character, if she really is the main character. Feel free to PM me if you come out with something new in the series.

One last thing, it seems you don’t have any reviews under your belt. Try to get at least two reviews for everything you post so everyone will be able to get feedback.

Hmm... this is the first thing I've reviewed here, so hopefully I can be of some use.

I find this to be rather intriguing, and I'm curious to understand the roles of these people... assuming they are people, after all.

Like others mentioned-- as a prologue it should have something to make the reader curious to read on; this ends rather definitively. You might leave off the "and died" bit, but if you feel it's very important for the reader to know she died, you might instead add something more onto the end to indicate that her death is part of something bigger, her end is only the beginning, something like that.

I might suggest throwing in just a little more description about the objects-- particularly the watch and the knife, as they seem to be important objects. Not long wordy descriptions, just an adjective or two (the pocket watch) or a simple phase (the watch hung from its chain) to give the reader a clearer picture. I was thrown a bit when I got to the part where she turned the dial on the back of the watch because I was picturing it as a wristwatch initially. But that might just be me Perhaps give the watch more of a sense of place/positioning too. You mention she's watching/checking it constantly, and at some point she looks up at it, but when she finally picks it up I'm still unsure if it was lying on the floor, a desk, hanging on a nail in the wall, etc.. Just for the sake of mental imagery you may want to define that.

I do like how you revealed many aspects of the character through her thoughts (ie: "17 years isn’t enough time" rather than just telling us her age directly).

She grabbed the watch and uttered several strange and long phrases. Some she spoke softly and slowly, some she spoke loud and fast.

I love this point in the story, and "uttered"/"strange" is a nice choice of wording considering the already strange and desperate atmosphere. Consider glancing through a thesaurus for alternatives for long/soft/slow/loud/fast though (I might suggest "complex" rather than "long" if you think that is accurate, but pick what you think works best to create the feeling you want to get across).

Then suddenly a beautiful and terrifying light

You're probably safe to drop either "Then" or "suddenly"; it's not really necessary to have both.

All in all I see this as having a lot of potential. It's quite dramatic, and if I read this on the first page of a book, I would certainly feel compelled to keep reading just out of curiosity.

My only critique is this: there is no atmosphere! I have no idea where this character is. I hate it when I have to imagine for myself if it should be cold, warm, rich or poor, e.t.c. When I know where the story takes place, it makes it more personal, less distracting. It doesn't have to be super complex, either.The way you say, 'Seventeen years is not enough' telling me her age, without saying 'she is seventeen years old' would work the same way for the setting.

Otherwise I loved the story. It made my heart beat faster from the first sentence, something I have not experienced on YWS until now. It seems most stories here come across as impersonal; it was the opposite with this one. I believe that the first sentence should capture the reader, making them hungry for more. You succeeded with this!

I look forward to reading more from you, and hope you will honestley review my work. (once I finally write something I'm proud of!) Please PM me about anything. I love getting messages. (Because I'm weird like that! )