Broken Feather, Broken Soul

The title is very not final. I'm going to submit this into a contest for my school district, so I decided to make a sort of a metaphor for people's gullibility and willingness to accept anything. I wanted to do it in a simplistic manner, because sometimes the simplist, seemingly most innocent situations, people, and things have darkness under them. I was inspired by Harrison Bergeron by Kurt Vonnegut.

I was surprised when I reread this, because I noticed that it had sort of an atheistic message.

Anyways, I now present to you (tentative title, any suggestions are uber-welcome) Broken Feather, Broken Soul.

Once upon a time, in Heaven there was a little angel. The angel was good. She did what she was told and did her angelic duties.

One day, while she was out on a walk, she began to think about her life. She wondered about what the point of being good. As she became sad and confused, her wings fell off.

Frightened, the little angels picked up her wings and ran back to the angel village. The angel leader and the three council people led her into a small closed off room before anyone could see her. When she entered, they told her that if she stood in the middle of the room and closed her eyes, her wings would grow back. Glad that it was so simple and painless, she did as she was told, as always.

While the little angel had her eyes shut, the leader pulled a lever, and a trapdoor under the girl opened. After the girl had fallen out of Heaven, the council-people threw out her wings and closed the trapdoor. They went back to the village and told the other angels that the girl had gone on a special adventure. The angels were proud, and in a short while they forgot about her.

The little angel obediently kept her eyes closed the whole way. She only opened her eyes after the terrible impact had happened, destroying the tragic little angel. As she lay broken, she saw her wings float down, thrown out of Heaven.

Unable to move, the little girl, abandoned by the angels, waited and waited for a long time for the angels she trusted to explain why this had happened, why it was necessary, how it was a good thing. She waited until she was on the brink of death, when a terrible hoarse voice, belonging to a fearsome demon with black, torn wings approached her. The demon told her that she had two choices: Die, or become a devil like the demon.

Scared, the little girl accepted his offer and rose to her feet blackened and terrifying. Together, they descended into Hell, where many other demons resided. They all lived together peacefully, without need for a leader. They quietly went about their business, taking what they needed and no more, contributing to the community equally.

In her spare time, the girl began to think about the angels. She realized how many and angels had gone on special "missions" and "adventures", to disappear. She saw that they never returned, and that it never took long for angels to forget they existed. The girl went searching through the demon city, and sure enough, many former angels lived there, pushed from Heaven when they lost their wings. The young teenager began to see what had happened, and hatred began to grow in her mind. As her hate took root, then demon teenager began to desire revenge.

The other demons tried to persuade her otherwise, but she would not be deterred. She took her bow and returned to Earth. From there, she used her wings, strenuously climbing to Heaven. When the teenage girl reached Heaven, she ran straight for the village, where a council person was preaching about the importance of forgiveness, all the angels gathered around. When he finished and the leader climbed to the platform, the teenager took careful aim. The leader saw her, and as the angels turned to stare, the leader began to plead with her, asking her to refrain from poisoning her heart with murder. The leader promised that should she go back to Earth and repent, she could be good again and regain her wings.

The teenager, shocked and disgusted with her intentions, put down the bow, shaking the leader's hand, thanking the leader. The leader accepted with a gracious smile. The teenager turned to go back to Earth and repent, even if it took years.

When the young woman was far enough away, the leader picked up the bow and shot and shot her in the back. The young woman fell down, dead, as the crowd of angels cheered. They went back to their daily lives as though nothing had happened, forgetting the past and living ignorant, as they always did.

As they left, the young woman's body, though no longer demon nor angel, faded away like all bodies of the heavenly and hellish did. As the last of her disappeared, her heart was all that was all was left, a single, broken white feather. A gust of wind picked it up, blowing it away from the angels' village to drift along with any memories or proof that she ever existed.

This is a nice little, I guess you'd call it, fable. It had a surprise ending and it certainly seemed to show you saying something about the traditional ideas of an angel and a demon.

The only slight nitpick I have is that you switch to calling her the 'teenager' as opposed to 'the anger' i think you should pick on or the other, though i believe angel sounds better.

Anyways, good story and I'll look forward to reading more by you!

I suppose this could be considered atheistic, in a way, but it fits the metaphor that you intended it to have even better. Oddly, I was reminded of Nazi Germany too.

The way you turn the angelic ideal on its head is very cleverly done and your style is perfect throughout most of the piece. I will agree with KevinL in that the transition from little angel to teenager to woman is not as smooth as it could be, and it certainly works better whilst you refer to her as an angel. If you want to keep common ground, perhaps call her a "fallen angel" after a bit, rather than suddenly revert to teenager which is a very earthly term. That's probably as much as I'd like to say in terms of language: double check this for typos, as there are a couple. The whole piece is clearly well thought out and there are a few subtleties that only come to you when you read it twice:

When the teenage girl reached Heaven, she ran straight for the village, where a council person was preaching about the importance of forgiveness, all the angels gathered around.

This made me smile.

I would say that the first half of the piece is better than the second, partly because of the loss of innocence of the little angel we sympathise for in the first few paragraphs, so suddenly turned to "teenager", but partly because you didn't address Hell. You covered Heaven so well, and it was very believable, but the transition to Hell was not so smooth.

They all lived together peacefully, without need for a leader. They quietly went about their business, taking what they needed and no more, contributing to the community equally.

If you are going to knock so many ideas on the head with one sweeping motion, you need to explain it. With the first half, we are slowly introduced to the idea that Heaven is a place where righteousness is maintained through wrong, as such. In Hell, why is it so different? You seem to begin with the idea that perfection is non-existent and then move to Hell, where apparently it exists in full flow. Whereas in Heaven, you took the values of the Church and twisted them, with Hell you seem to have just transformed it into Utopia. I hope that gets across what I mean; I'm sorry if it's incomprehensible, but it's a hard idea to get into words. It rests upon your first half being so well written, though.

All in all, it's a clever piece, cleverly executed too for the most part. It was just that concept of Hell that threw me. The ending, by which I mean the last paragraph, is very strong, another one of my favourite parts.

Hey Spiffy Girl! I'd say welcome, but you appear to have been around a while, we just haven't met. Well hi, I'm Stella, and I shall be your reviewer today!

I. NITPICKS

The angel was good.

Well, I mean, duh.

Die, or become a devil like the demon.

Become a devil like the demon?

II. THINK ABOUT IT

I realise what you're trying to do, a la Philip Pullman, and it makes me kind of uneasy. Heaven is supposed to be a place where people are content, and I know you're trying to challenge that, but angels and heaven aren't human, they're, well, heavenly. Also, thinking about why she shouldn't be good? That's a bit... and the idea that Hell is a better place? That bit threw me, as it did Jetpack... I know that you're questioning it all, but I don't know if it's something that can be questioned. It isn't human to be so.

III. OVERALL

Thought provoking. I didn't like the shooting at the end much either, but it wasn't badly written as such...

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.