Cassidy

-Deleted-

I really like this story so far and I can't wait to see it evolve.

The girls at my high school pretty just made my life a living hell.

I think after pretty you forgot to type 'much'. That's probably just a typo. This piece was short and sweet. Pm me when you have more.

-Moony

“Cassidy, I know you’re not happy about this but think of the possibility."

The only tihng I could find wrong in this whole entire piece - you forgot a comma before "but".

I like this story and where its going and I want to read more now. ^^

I hope you continue this.

Have A Nice Day.
Azrael.

Thanks so much for the reviews!

I've edited it slightly and added a little more so enjoy

-Carly

Oh, Goody! Thank you so much for pming me; this was a good continuation.

I sing lead and play the guitar, my ultimate die-hard best friend, Circe, plays the keyboard and piano and sings backup.

This sentence just sounds like a run-on to me. Maybe you could write it as: I sing lead and play the guitar. My ultimate die-hard best friend, Circe, plays the keyboard, piano, and sings
backup.
This is just a suggestion, though. You don't need to use it.

Sebastian and I also dated for about two and a half years.

I think this would sound alot better without the 'also'.

I can't wait for the story to really get going.

-Moony

tnme22 wrote:I've been meaning to start this story for a while, this is the very beginning of it. I don't think I'm going to split it up into chapters, I think I want to do more of what Laurie Halse Anderson did in Speak, I'm not sure though.
So let me know what you think, you can be a brutal as you want. I'll add more as I do it.
EDIT: I've edited it a little and added a little more.
Thanks much!


I HATE MY MANAGER
I smacked the magazine I was reading down on the table and looked at him with an incredulous face. “You expect me to go back to Malibu?”
My manager nodded.
“You have got to be kidding me. Malibu?!” [s]I stood up in anger and frustration.[/s](I stood up angrily.)
“It’s the best place for you to be now. They have great places for you guys to perform and record, not to mention the huge fan base you could pick up.”
“Yeah, a group of fans that I hate, or do you not remember that?” I started to leave.
He put a hand on my arm. “Cassidy, I know you’re not happy about this, but think of the possibility. You’ll be close to home but you’ll be able to expand your fan base and maybe even get some more songs recorded. It’s that or staying with your friends and family for a year and getting forgotten. Take your pick.”
I hated how well he could reason with me. “I’ll talk it over with the band and get back to you, alright?”
He smiled. “That’ll be just fine.”


MALIBU VS MARKSVILLE
So I’m from a teeny town outside of Malibu called Marksville. It’s complete with a gas station and about three dozen houses. I drove into Malibu every day for school and hated every second of it.
I never fit in with any of those people. The designer handbags, stiletto heels, and attitudes off the charts never quite worked for me. I’m more of an individual. I do what I want, I say what I want, and I act however I choose. I don’t wear Marc Jacobs or Jimmy Choos and I don’t walk around with an undeserved sense of wealth.
The girls at my high school pretty much just made my life a living hell. They didn’t do the whole juvenile, talk mean to you, thing. They went with more of the ignore, ignore, ignore approach and did everything in their power to make sure everyone followed their lead.
Any normal teen would think starting an indie rock band was the coolest thing ever, but to these super bitches, it was the dumbest thing you could ever do. Apparently people at this school didn’t start bands; they went to Ivy League schools and became gazillionares.
School never quite worked for me so the whole band thing just kind of became more my wheelhouse.
So to put it simply, Cassidy plus Malibu equals a complete and utter disaster waiting to happen.


ADDIX
About three years ago my friends and I started the band Addix. I sing lead and play the guitar,(;) my ultimate die-hard best friend, Circe, plays the keyboard and piano and sings backup.(;) Her sometimes boyfriend(,) Christian(,) plays the bass,(; not ,) his best friend Danny plays the drums and Danny’s brother(,) Sebastian(,) plays guitar and also sings some backup. Sebastian and I also dated for about two and a half years.
We played at small venues and bars and stuff to get our name out there but our real break came last year when I entered a singing contest at a mall in Malibu. I lost to girl with fake boobs and dyed blond hair who (giggle) ‘didn’t even expect to win and never in her wildest dreams thought she had such a great singing voice!’ This is the same girl that sang in some dumb commercial the summer before because she is ‘so good’.
I was perfectly fine with not winning. I actually think I got a much better deal than Blond Freak. She got a $1000 gift card to the mall and I got ‘discovered’ by my manager Kenn Philips. He thought Addix could be ‘The Next Big Thing’ and so he signed us to his record label and sha-zam! Just like that we had ourselves a tour.
For the rest of the school year and that summer we played at venues and basically just covered stuff because we didn’t have much written. Kenn assured us that it was fine that we take our time with writing because that would just make our CD that much better.
Kenn likes to be in control of everything. I think it comes with the whole ‘manager of a band’ thing. He didn’t actually say Sebastian and I were banned from dating each other but he pretty much implied it. “Relationships are doomed to fail and I can’t have that being brought down on the band.” Thank you Einstein. Like I couldn’t have figured that out myself. Oh well. At least it can inspire some good songs.

Very, very good! I like the point of view it's told from. I can't wait to read more! Please PM me when you have more!

Thanks for the critiques guys!

I updated it again

Kenn thinks it will a ‘good experience’.

After 'will' you need 'be'. That's probably a typo though.

I liked the Hotel part, but I thought it was dragging a bit. I feel like you need get the story to start moving at a faster pace. It's good and I see a ton of potential just a little bit faster would be awesome.

-Moony

*sorry if that was harsh; I meant no hard feelings.

Hiya again. Sorry it took me so long to get to this too. I am a slow person.

Okay:

I smacked the magazine I was reading down on the table and looked at him with an incredulous face. “You expect me to go back to Malibu?”

My manager nodded.

“You have got to be kidding me. Malibu?!” I stood up in anger and frustration.

I was wondering at first if she used to live in Malibu, but then I was wondering if she never did...?

I started to leave.

I think this is too... blunt (can not think of the right word). Maybe, 'I turned to leave'?

Any normal teen would think starting an indie rock band was the coolest thing ever, but to these super bitches, it was the dumbest thing you could ever do.

I'm not sure but should Indie be capitalized?

Her sometimes boyfriend, Christian, plays the bass; his best friend Danny plays the drums and Danny’s brother, Sebastian, plays guitar and also sings some backup.

This is a suggestion but 'her sometimes boyfriend' could be changed to something along the lines of 'they dated off an on throughout the years.'

She got a $1000 gift card to the mall and I got ‘discovered’ by my manager Kenn Philips.

I wish I would win a thousand dollar gift card to the mall.

Oooh, I like this! Great job!

Becca

i really like this. and i think it's because you make the story so raw, so blunt, so somehow realistic, even though you're main character is in a rock band about to make it big. i also thought your pace was great -- long enough to enjoy and not so short that you are just zipping through.

great job!


-- shy

I enjoy Cassidy's point of view! She's a very blunt, funny person. When she first said 'I do what I want and the rest of the world can go hang' I immediately backed away, because usually when people say that, they mean 'ooh! I'm a rebel!!' But maybe she was right. I like to think so. I'm looking forward to more of this! I liked the part with the blond girl *giggle* and the way she tells and describes things in general. Way to go! Please PM me for the next chapter!

I really enjoyed it and I can't wait to hear more, which is a surprise since I'm not really into stories like this. One thing that did bug me was how cliché some of it was, with the whole 'preppy' Malibu girls thing, which I don't think is actually true to the extent it's made out to be in the story.

I also hate how blondes are put down, as per usual! When you're talking about the singing competition and you're on about this perfect 'blonde girl', you really did emphasise it above all. I mean, not many blondes are airheads, to be honest, there are just as many airhead brunettes as there are blondes.

I guess this is just me because I get completely wound up by blonde jokes, or when anyone says 'Oh, I'm being so blonde!' It makes me want to punch my father.

But aside that, I really did enjoy it, especially the interesting way it was written. I've not really seen that done before in a published novel, but I think things written in this style should be published more and become normal!

Finally, I love the tone this takes on, it tells you a lot about the character. She's very pessimistic to me, is she supposed to be? But if she isn't, don't change it, because giving her flaws makes her less Mary-Sueish and more like the average person with traits and flaws who's just gone and made it big.

Please PM me when the next part is out! (: Sorry if I didn't make much sense, haha.