Removed by Author

This piece as well as all the others in my profile as of December 30-10 have been removed because I haven't been on YWS in years and all have either undergone extensive editing or have been dropped. Please see my new polished versions. Escaping Fate: Endless Secrets has become book 1 in a series named THE VEIL and the title of book 1 is STRUCK (just FYI) Thanks everyone.
Ciao!

The sun shone at its highest summit in the nude sky, shooting its infernal rays down and mercilessly baking my body through my all black attire.

"Nude sky" is a very interesting turn of phrase. Perhaps a bit too interesting. I also think this sentence would flow better if it were more concisely rephrased. Something like, "The sun shone in the cloudless sky, baking me through my all-black attire as it peered down from its highest summit," is one option.

But the sweat beading at my hairline wasn’t of any consequence at this moment, because at this very moment a casket was being lowered into the earth.

I suggest changing the "but" to "however" as it not only more proper grammatically, but it also reads a bit better. In addition, "wasn't of any consequence" reads very stiffly. "wasn't the most important thing" reads a bit more naturally. I also suggest splitting this into two separate sentences or using a semicolon to after "moment," nixing the "because" in both cases. You also use the word "moment" far too close together. I suggest using a synonym instead.

So you'd wind up with something like this: "However, the sweat beading at my hairline wasn't the most important thing at this moment: it was the casket being lowered into the earth (and you could describe how)."

Now, you have a lot of sentences that could be more concisely and clearly phrased. At the same time, you also have a number of fragments that I think would work better joined with the sentences either before or after them. Try reading your story aloud, taking note of the places you stumble or that sound off or that confuse you; it'll really help.

Overall, the flow could definitely be improved. The pacing was pretty good, though I think you should introduce the vampire angle during the funeral scene rather than hint at it. Since it's the beginning of the story, it's important that you give the reader some concrete details so they can more easily know what is going on right off the bat rather than flounder around in vague references, especially as this is not the first book in the series. Other than that, you did snag my interest, so good work with that.

It was dark outside when I finally made my way up the driveway and into the house, feeling numb,

yet reassured, because tonight I would get to see him. I would get to finally see Lance after torturous weeks of waiting. Whether I was ready to see him or not I didn’t know, but I would see him nonetheless.

This paragraph got split mid-sentence.

Congratulations, endless secrets, you have created the first story I have read on this site with nothing to criticize. Really, this is pretty much perfect! Its got gut emotional appeal from start to finish, lots of drama, well-crafted prose, suspense, realistic and sympathetic characters... I really liked it! I want to read more... though I should read the prequel first, of course... thanks for sharing this.

Many thanks for giving me something worth reading and reviewing,
-M.E.

Thank you Kyllorac for yet another helpful crit, I remember you from I posted the beginning of another novel June, which is still in the works by the way. 38 550 words and counting!

You should try the site absolutewrite.com, I love you guys and i love this site, but absolute it slightly more advanced and has areas for query letter critiques and such.

And then thank to you Dradian for the most lovely review I have recied to date!
I am on the query-go-round trying to find an agent to rep the first novel so maybe you'll get to read it, but it will suck knowing the beginning of the second one I didn't really think about that haha *cheeks flush*

thanks again to you both!

This definitly caught my eye; great title!

I fell in love with the characters. Good job!

Thanks Winie! You guys are great! I can't belive you like it and feel the emotion even withought having the read book 1!