Debris

Forgive me for my fearfulness, my comfort zones, my pride
Forgive me for the things that I keep locked away inside
Forgive me for the words that never seem to come out right
Forgive me for the lies I’ve told, the wounds I’ve caused tonight

Forgive me for ignoring what was right before my eyes
Forgive me for denying all my silent judgment cries
Forgive me for the imperfection stored inside of me
I hope to God He’ll take it, make a heart from this debris

Pretty nice!

The repetition of "forgive me" did get a bit too much, though. Maybe you could find another way of saying it, and use it on every other line or something?

Nice- I can relate.

Like Twit said, you could make the structure a bit more varied.The rhyme was nice and steady, but seemed a bit predictable (pride inside, right tonight, eyes cries are pretty obvious rhymes) but then you surprised me with "debris" in the last line, which was a much more original rhyme.

I think this line threw the rhythm off a tad:

[quote]Forgive me for all the imperfection stored inside of me [/quote]

Maybe just "Forgive the imperfection stored inside of me" would fit better?

Nice job creating a pleading, humble tone here.

yeah i actually noticed that i should take out "all" right after i posted it.

i didn't actually write this poem for it to be amazing literature or anything, it was just me thinking and feeling with a pen in hand. so i guess it's ok that its not great lol.

I would suggest maybe trying different rhyme schemes with it. Maybe ABAB or some such. You might like some variations.

This forum isn't for amazing literature, it's for improvement. So no worries.

Hey, nice job. I must admit, when I first saw this, I was like, "Oh Lord, every line starts with 'forgive me'. But I was hooked as soon as I started reading. This flows beautifully, the repetition works, and you have good imagery. Bravo!

My initial reaction was like Fangala's. So also was my last impression. Your rhythm here is really great. As I was reading through it, I was like "Hey...this sounds like a prayer..." and then I got to the end, and all made sense.

I'd suggest using punctuation.

I'm not sure about the second last line, it doesn't flow quite as well as it could to my mind. Maybe try;

"Forgive me all the imperfections stored inside of me."

I love "make a heart of this debris."

Forgive me for denying all my silent judgment cries

Huh?
It may just be me, but that doesn't seem to make sense. But poetry doesn't have to make sense, right? So no worries; be happy!

That was the only thing I was confused by.
This poem is really, really good. It has an excellent flow and the rhyming didn't seem forced at all.
Keep it up!
Cheers/Narf,
Ayra

lyrical_sunshine wrote:Forgive me for denying all my silent judgment cries

This is the only line that really doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. Somethig about it just doesn't work, but maybe that's just me. I guess I'm just not sure what it's supposed to mean.

Anyway, other than that, I've got to recommend making the "h" in "he" lowercase, unless you want the poem to have a very religious, as opposed to romantic, connotation. It would work, of course, but it would substantially change the meaning of the poem, depending on which path you choose to take.

I've also got to agree with whoever mentioned that it's quite repetitive. You might want to try taking out all of the "forgive me"s from the beginning of the lines, except for the lines at the beginning of each stanza. (Also, I'd make the last line it's own stanza, but that might just be me.)

Forgive me for my fearfulness, my comfort zones, my pride

Forgive me for the things that I keep locked away inside

Forgive me for the words that never seem to come out right

Forgive me for the lies I’ve told, the wounds I’ve caused tonight



Forgive me for ignoring what was right before my eyes

Forgive me for denying all my silent judgment cries

Forgive me for the imperfection stored inside of me

I hope to God He’ll take it, make a heart from this debris


wow ,this is great , 4 more lines and it will be perfect.

i did really like the rhythm and rhyme in this, it flowed well and none of the rhymes felt forced. But i think one of the reasons they weren't forced is because they were quite easy, predictable rhymes. However, this does add simplicity to the poem which you might have been aiming for!
I absolutley loved your last few words

I hope to God He’ll take it, make a heart from this debris

i don't know whether you're going for a religious or romantic take on this though, at first i thought it was romantic but at you capitilised the "H" in He i'm thinking it's religious right?
but my favourite part was the words "make a heart from this debris" i just loved it so much.
Great work!
X

hey dogs here

I think that this is a great poem. i really like how it flows and i agree with everyone above me. however the last line kinda made it fall short. you need to add a little excitment this poem is yours to write anything and everything you want to write.

Anouther thing is the grammer. you need either periods or commas after each line. and you might want a comma after each forgive me. that is optional however

Other than that i have no other suggestions except for you to keep up the good work










TuckEr EllsworTh

I loved your poem. That's amazing that you wrote it so quickly. (:
I don't think that you repeat "forgive me" too much.
I like how each line started with that and I loved that you ended it with something different. It was short and sweet and just right.