Addix songs Part 1

Alright, so this requires some explanation.
The 'novel' I'm writing is about a band called Addix. They are working on making their CD and what not. I wrote a series of songs as 'their songs' cause I'm a freak and when I wrote about them writing songs and what not I actually wanted there to be some legit songs.
I just want to know if they are any good.
I don't really consider myself to be much of a songwriter so any feedback/tips would be much appreciated!
This thread is for the most upbeat songs on their 'CD'. I'm going to post all of them on this first post. (I only do this because I don't want to make 12 different posts on this board.) The ballads and in-between songs will each be on different threads so look for them too!
The number indicates the order I wrote them in.
Some have been deleted because I don't like them anymore and are no longer part of my 'novel'
Thanks
_____________________________________________________________
#1. I don't want to be alone
I feel you
Slipping away from me
I feel you falling down
I don’t know what to do
What to say
How to feel
How to act
But now I know

I should never have trusted you
Or put myself to blame
Even though you told me to
(Echo) Even though you told me to

Chorus 1:
Shout out to me
I can’t hear you
Softly calling
You to me
My lips are cold
They can not find you
Can you hear me?
Calling

All my sins and all my failures
Laid out before me
Take your choosing
I can’t bear to look at your eyes
All the years they were mine
Are slipping from view

I want to forgive you
I don’t want to be alone
Even though you want it too
(Echo) Even though you want it too

Chorus 1

Calling…
(Echo) I don’t want to be alone

Chorus 2:
I don’t want to be alone
No!
I don’t want to be alone anymore
I don’t want to be alone
No!
I don’t want to be alone anymore
Anymore, anymore, anymore…

Chorus 1 (X2)

Chorus 2 (X2)


#3. I refuse
Well I refuse
To follow you
And to always do
What you tell me to
I have my own mind
It’s my mind
So get out of my head

You think
That I don’t care
That you tell me how
I’m supposed to be
Well I care!
And I’m sick of it
Just take those rich kid clothes
And leave me alone

Chorus:
Cause that’s not me
I don’t know what you’re thinking
Stop using me
Cause I’m not your guinea pig
Stop touching my hair
And fixing my clothes
Cause I’m not a life-size Barbie doll

My skinny jeans
And bright red hair
Aren’t going far
That’s who I am
So stop telling me
What my fans want
They’re teenagers
And you’re no teenager

I refuse
To be a faker
Like half the people
In Hollywood
I am my own person
I don’t need you
Taking over my life

Chorus

Do this!
(Echo) I don’t want to
Say that!
(Echo) Are you joking?
Sing this!
(Echo) I refuse
Wear that!
(Echo) I refuse
Do this!
(Echo) I don’t want to
Say that!
(Echo) Are you joking?
Sing this!
(Echo) I refuse
Wear that!
I refuse!

Chorus x2


#9. Mercy, Mercy
There’s a storm coming
Running through my veins, and I
Can hardly wait to see your face
When I win
Can you say it louder?
I’m not going to rub it in, but I
Know the day is here
For my revenge
Say it louder

Chorus:
Mercy, mercy please
I won’t let go
There’s a storm brewing
And I’m not reigning in
You had a chance and you
Never took it, I’m not sorry
Mercy, mercy no
He’s mine so give it up

Can you hear the thunder now?
It’s coming for you
Run and hide, cause I
Never said I’d fight fair
(Echo)He’s mind so give it up
My hands around his neck
Hold him tight
Cause he’s all mine, and I’m
Never letting go
(Echo)No

Chorus

He never wanted you
He lied to make you happy
The truth is out now, bitch
Can you see the lightening?
It’s over now
Just surrender
Take your loses
It’s not worth it

-Guitar-

Chorus x2

Can’t you see that?
It’s not worth it
He’s mine it’s that simple
And nothing can let that go

Chorus
Chorus up a half step

There’s a storm coming for you now
He’s mine just give it up

This was totally awsome. This was real rock! I could imagine the pictuers of you song. Even though I never read your books I think that they are cool. Anyeays great job!

hi, hi.

you have done a fantastic job...

But when writing songs punctuation is key, it tells the singer when to pause when to stop etc.


These are some things to consider:-

Punctuation is a set of symbols used in writing to help indicate something about the structure of sentences, or to assist readers in knowing when to change the rhythm or the stress of their speaking. Depending on the style of writing and the language used, punctuation may tend towards one of these purposes more than the other. Common units of punctuation in English and many other languages include the comma, period, apostrophe, quotation mark, question mark, exclamation mark, bracket, dash, hyphen, ellipsis, colon, and semicolon. Each of these units indicates a different thing, and some may have multiple meanings depending on context.


1. The period or full stop, question mark, exclamation mark, and ellipsis all serve to terminate a sentence. A period is the default terminal punctuation mark, used to end a sentence without conveying any additional meaning. A question mark indicates that the preceding sentence takes the form of an interrogative, and may also be read to change the tone when reading aloud to reflect this. An exclamation mark indicates that the preceding sentence is somehow excited or extremely important, and if read aloud should be given special stress. An ellipsis indicates that some part of the sentence is being omitted; this may be used to refer to a theoretical clause, in which case it usually implies a trailing off of the voice when read aloud, or it may indicate that a real part of the sentence is omitted, often used when quoting long passages or quotations.

2. The comma is used for a wide range of different purposes in punctuation. In general, it is considered necessary stylistically to have all commas in a sentence serve the same function, to avoid confusion on the part of the reader. A comma may be used to separate units of a sentence such as an introduction or parenthetical thought, to separate items in lists such as this one, to lead a sentence into a quotation, and to separate independent clauses joined by a word such as “and” or “yet”. Commas also have a number of less common uses, too numerous to list in detail.

3. An apostrophe may be used as punctuation within a word to indicate an omitted letter, as in contractions such as don’t or e’er. It may also be used to show that a noun is possessive, such as in Harry’s name or the Seven Seas’ unrelenting waves.

4. Quotation marks are used as punctuation to denote quotations within text, or to offset a word or phrase as being an ironic or non-standard usage. The most common type of quotation marks are double quotes, such as: “There is much to like about that,” she said. Or: I wouldn’t say I “missed” work the other day. Single quotation marks, which are a type of punctuation that look similar to an apostrophe, may be used for quotations within quotations, such as in the case of: “As the Bard said, ‘To be or not to be, that is the question,’” He said sagely.

5. Dashes are used for a number of different purposes, often to link specific things together. A figure dash is used to link numbers together, such as in a phone number. An en dash is used to link things that are within a range, such as page numbers. An em dash is traditionally used to separate a thought from the flow of the sentence – like this – in an almost parenthetical manner. In some modern style guides, the en dash is taking over the em dash’s role of a thought separator in formal writing. A quotation dash is a unit of punctuation which looks approximately the same as the em dash, used to cite a quotation’s source in-text.

6. Hyphens are punctuation marks which look similar to dashes, but are shorter, and are used to join compound words which haven’t yet become independent words or which are being used adjectivally.

7. Brackets are used to offset text in some way from the main body. The main type of bracket punctuation used in writing is the parenthesis, with the others being used either to indicate parenthetical thoughts within a set of parenthesis or for specialized usages depending on style.

8. The colon is a unit of punctuation typically used to introduce a subsequent sentence that is in some way logically linked to the preceding sentence. Therefore, one may find colons serving as punctuation to introduce a list, to offset something that is a consequence of the fact stated in the preceding sentence, or to lead into a quotation.

9. A semicolon is a unit of punctuation used to link two independent clauses. It is usually used where a period is thought to create too strong a break between the sentences, but a comma is too weak a break. Often, semicolons are also used in place of a comma in lists which use commas for purposes other than offsetting list items, to avoid confusion.

Hey thanks for the reviews!

I've seriously changed this and updated this from one song to like, five.

Hey tnme, I’m here, do no fear.

Anyway, because there is so much in each post, I’m just going to go through each song individually and comment on things that need to be commented on, for the sake of not confusing you or so that I don’t get confused either.

#1. I don't want to be alone

Title
Two points I have to make here. First of all, it’s a title, so it needs capitalization. Second, well, this seems rather long and wordy for a title. To through your CD collection and read through the titles to songs. “Poker Face” “Scotty Doesn’t Know” and “Killing Loneliness” are all good (and rather random) examples. They share the same common factors and that each title is short, sweet, and to the point. Try something shorter like just “Alone.”

Theme Forcing

Chorus 2:
I don’t want to be alone
No!
I don’t want to be alone anymore
I don’t want to be alone
No!
I don’t want to be alone anymore
Anymore, anymore, anymore…

You are, in a sense, trying to force the theme of not wanting to be alone on you reader. You make almost no mention of the word ‘alone’ until right here. You pretty much jump this on us rather rapidly. My best suggestion is to make this your main chorus and just scrap the one that you have.

All together this isn’t bad…through I will admit, it’s one I’ve seen before. Love lost, fear of being alone, but that’s not a bad thing. Every musician knows the feeling and they all are prone to putting it into song.

#3. I refuse

Title
Again, short and sweet. Words like “I” and “the” and “a” all just seem very clumsy in a song title. “Refuse” would be so much better.

Sound
I like the way this seems it should sound. Something like the song Hypocrite by Skye Sweetnam or even Demi Lovato’s La La Land most particularly in the verse:

Do this!
(Echo) I don’t want to
Say that!
(Echo) Are you joking?
Sing this!
(Echo) I refuse
Wear that!
(Echo) I refuse
Do this!
(Echo) I don’t want to
Say that!
(Echo) Are you joking?
Sing this!
(Echo) I refuse
Wear that!
I refuse!

Saying it sounds like something else isn’t a bad thing by the way. Actually, that’s a good thing. It means that the lyrics seem, well, like lyrics.

#5. Romeo and Juliet

Fun New Twist

Well you wanted to be Romeo
I never said I wanted Juliet
Maybe it’s not supposed to be this way

This I like, at least the twist of not wanting to be the Juliet to his Romeo. One issue I do have though is in the first two lines. I would maybe write them to something like: “You may have wanted to be Romeo, But I never said I would be Juliet.”

It’s just very exciting to come by a telling of Romeo and Juliet where she doesn’t want to be Juliet. Take for instance Taylor Swift’s hit Love Story or even Emilie Autumn’s Juliet. You did a great job of being original along with the fact that you stuck to some of the more historical aspects using a more old world voice.

#8. Home

I really don’t have much to say except that this reminds me a bit of Nickleback’s Photograph but it has a more romantic twist along with the more pronounced feeling of wanting to go back.
Good Job.

#9. Mercy, Mercy

I won’t lie, this one is good too. Not only that, but you’re use of the word “bitch” makes the emotion feel a little more vulgar and hash, which is good. Things like that made songs like Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend a hit when she added phrases as simple as “mother fuckin princess.” (by the way, one of my favorite things to say!) Being blunt and honest is the whole reason people write songs. The thing is that when you’re going to add curse words into a song, don’t overdo it. That will just make the reader believe that you’re forcing it, not good.


All and All

This set isn’t bad. There are some kinks obviously, but most of the problems I saw were in the Title, so, I can’t be mean. That’s easy enough to fix.
I’m not going to criticize on Punctuation but I will say this, if you’re going to add it to one, add it to all. If you aren’t going to add it, then don’t. Just be consistent. Inconsistency in something like that can seem like a foolish move from the point of view of the reader.
Lastly, I linked you to a lot of songs…do you know why?
No, it’s not just because I like to make words blue (though that is in fun, I won’t lie). The key to writing music is to remember those who came before you. I’m not sure just what type of music Addix is actually trying to write though I would definitely peg it as Alternative just because the way these seem, they have a mix of different feelings and vibes in their music. Your music. oh you know what I mean.

On to the next set!

When you write a story, or a novel, you don't write your own songs. It's wonderful you wrote them, but honestly, when a somebody comes across an original set of song lyrics in a book, they skip over them. Because they can't hear the song, so the lyrics are meaningless. A song is set to a tune and to music --this isn't a poem, these are just words that are meant to be heard. In a book. In stories you write, "The band played their song, and this is what they looked like doing it, and this is what happened during it, blah blah, bah blah, doodle-dah."
And I think the person who told you about punctuation should have just linked the article, rather than plagiarizing it :] http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-punctuation.htm
But anyway, I'll take a look at the songs, just for you

I don't want to be alone
I feel you
Slipping away from me
I feel you falling down
I don’t know what to do
What to say
How to feel
How to act
But now I know

I really like how you elaborated on how you "didn't know what to do." But also, I don't see how this is a song, like, how this can be sung, when there is no rhyme. At all. Not even a little bit.

I should never have trusted you
Or put myself to blame
Even though you told me to
(Echo) Even though you told me to

I liiike this.

Chorus 1:
Shout out to me
I can’t hear you
Softly calling
You to me
My lips are cold
They can not find you
Can you hear me?
Calling

When you write "You to me," it just seems a little off.

All my sins and all my failures
Laid out before me
Take your choosing
I can’t bear to look at your eyes
All the years they were mine
Are slipping from view

I don't understand. All her sins are laid out before her, and she's offering whomever she's speaking to to choose one of them. And then she starts to say, "I can't bear to look at the eyes that were once mine, and I can't even remember the times at which they were." Two totally different subjects meshed into the same stanza. You should have the decency to elaborate on at least both, and separate them into two stanzas.

I want to forgive you
I don’t want to be alone
Even though you want it too
(Echo) Even though you want it too

"I don't want to be alone, even though you want it too." You're implying here that you want to be alone, thus the "too." If that's not so, then this stanza does not make sense.

Chorus 2:
I don’t want to be alone
No!
I don’t want to be alone anymore
I don’t want to be alone
No!
I don’t want to be alone anymore
Anymore, anymore, anymore…

Eh. If this is a song, I can imagine this.

***

Good song, all in all. It seemed at times you were just trying to finish the stanza up and keep the rhythm, sacrificing common sense within the lyrics. It was alright though, good job.

***

I refuse
Well I refuse
To follow you
And to always do
What you tell me to
I have my own mind
It’s my mind
So get out of my head

If you're going to write phonetically, put use commas. When you speak, you pause naturally, therefore after well there should be a comma. "I refuse/Well, I refuse/To follow you..." And you need to punctuate at the end of a stanza. "Get out of my head!" I forgot to mention that in the last song :]

You think
That I don’t care
That you tell me how
I’m supposed to be
Well, I care!
And I’m sick of it
Just take those rich kid clothes,
And leave me alone

I don't even understand this. Let me try to interpret - she thinks that whomever this is directed at doesn't think she cares that they are telling her how she's supposed to be, but she does, and she wants them to stop dressing them up and leave her alone. Lol, and if that's not right, then you should change it around a little bit.

Cause that’s not me
I don’t know what you’re thinking,
Stop using me
Cause I’m not your guinea pig.
Stop touching my hair,
And fixing my clothes,
Cause I’m not a life-size Barbie doll.

You need to learn to use commas and periods.

My skinny jeans,
And bright red hair
Aren’t going far
That’s who I am
So stop telling me
What my fans want
They’re teenagers
And you’re no teenager

This is sort of stupid, what they say. "They're teenagers, and you're no teenager!" It's dumb to indicate that somebody can't understand you simply because they aren't your age anymore. It may be a different era, but their parents were teenagers once. Anyway, I don't like this song honestly, because of the cliche, "Stop telling me who I am, I'm emo, not you're princess." Blah blah.

I refuse
To be a faker
Like half the people
In Hollywood
I am my own person
I don’t need you
Taking over my life

Faker? Honestly? And half of the people in the world don't live in Hollywood. But of course, all of these lyrics depends on each characters individual personality, so I'll try to tone down on the criticism that pertains to world views.

Chorus

Do this!
(Echo) I don’t want to
Say that!
(Echo) Are you joking?
Sing this!
(Echo) I refuse
Wear that!
(Echo) I refuse
Do this!
(Echo) I don’t want to
Say that!
(Echo) Are you joking?
Sing this!
(Echo) I refuse
Wear that!
I refuse!

I like this chorus, because I can imagine the echo and everything. But it's sort of weird that you have "I refuse" for two of them.

Romeo and Juliet
Well you say you’re Romeo
So I guess that makes me Juliet
We could never be together
They always told us not to be together
But I’m tired
Of doing what’s right
My heart says go
It’ll be alright

There's no rhyme. Anyway, this is sort of repetitive and boring sounding. "You're Romeo, I'm Juliet. We can't be together. But I want to. My heart says it will be all good." And this all sounds so very original.

Chorus:
Art thou Romeo?
Where can I find you?
Juliet’s been searching
Praying, hoping that you’ll soon
Come and sweep her off her feet
Like we know you want to
Please come Romeo
Juliet misses you

The quote is "Where are thou, Romeo?" Saying "Art thou Romeo?" Is asking Romeo if he is, indeed, Romeo. And this is sort of stupid, because if you read Romeo and Juliet in English class, then you would know that that particular line is Juliet asking, "Oh Romeo, Romeo, why do you have to be Romeo? Why can't you be somebody else so we could be together?" Which is why she says like, "A rose called by any other name would smell as sweet," saying pretty much, "If you weren't named Romeo Montague, you'd still be pretty awesome and I'd still love you." Capisce? And this chorus is full of cliche-yness, honestly. "Sweep her off her feet?" "Please come, I miss you?"

Montagues’ and Capulets’
What’s the difference?
There’s no chance
Forbidden love is at its best
Don’t look back
It’s now or never

I'm starting to doubt if you've actually read Romeo and Juliet.

What they don’t know
Will not hurt them
We are strong
We don’t forget
This is love at its finest
You can’t stop us
Our hearts have spoken

omg it rhymes. Barely. "hurt them" and "spoken" sort of rhymes. Doesn't it? No? Eh.

Three days may not last forever
But it’s long enough
Don’t tell me we can’t last forever
You don’t know our love

Who is the "you" referring to? And three days of what? What are you talking about?

Cause Romeo told me Juliet is all he loves
And since I’m Juliet
That makes sense cause
All I love is him
Here we go again

... This is the worst stanza I've ever seen. In my life. Fix it or omit it, because it just reeks of idiocy. And that's because of this.. thing. The attitude the singer gives off here. "Romeo loves Juliet, and I'm Juliet, and this makes sense cuz I love him and he told me that he loved me and so on and so forth this is a horrible stanza." Maybe it's because of the simple language, the kind of language a teenager with an IQ of 7 would speak. It's hard to explain. Just.. get rid of it.

Well you wanted to be Romeo
I never said I wanted Juliet
Maybe it’s not supposed to be this way

But you just said in the beginning it was going to be alright. If there's any sort of conflict, we certainly don't know about it. And you also just said "I love him and he loves me," so what's the problem?

****

I didn't like this song. If you're going to model a song after a play, [read the play.

****

Home
You need some inspiration
See something new
And experience something different
What the hell
Can I say no?
No.
Well I suppose
I can suck it up
And just get through
Maybe it won’t be so bad
Wrong.

This stanza is just rambles. I have no idea what you're getting at. She wants to leave home, and apparently that's a bad decision. You really have to execute these better. Songs aren't blogs, alright? You can't just ramble on and on and expect people to know the music that's supposed to go with them.

Cause home is where I want to be
It’s to far away, and I
Just wanted you to comfort me
I wish I could be home
My friends and my family
Just told me that they would always love me
And even though I told myself I wouldn’t
I do

So you love your friends and family, or... what is it that you mean? And what made you want to go away from home in the first place? What is it that exactly happened? Why don't you want to be where you are anymore? Where is it that you are? None of this makes sense!

The neighborhood barbecues
On every summer afternoon
Walking to your house when I was bored
We were the terrors of the town
But everyone just smiled
As we broke another window
Playing ball
I won’t let the memories fade
As we’re forced to leave
There’s really no stopping us now

Who's forcing you to leave? Why are you away from home? In the beginning, you were at home, saying you wanted to leave. Now you want to go back. Now you're telling us about how you liked it at home, and how you were forced to leave. Let's talk about the actual wording - it has no rhythm, I can tell you that much. And everything you write - it's just so amazingly cliche. "How? How is it cliche?" If you've read anything, you would see, "Oh, I miss how we were best friends, I miss our summer memories. I missed how we played our little kid games." I. Do not. Get. Any of this.

This new home is not where I belong
There’s nothing here for me
Can I go home now?
No.
It’s a good experience
I guess, but it’s still bullshit
This place I’m forced to love
Isn’t growing on me

Where is this new home? And why can't you go home? You know, I would recommend trying to write song lyrics like poetry. With rhythm. And at least the teeniest bit of explanation, or a background idea. I know a lot of songs are based on what the listener infers and interprets, but anyway. What is a good experience, how is it good, where are you, why are you forced to love it? Who's decision was it?

But now home is where we are
And everything has changed
The magic doesn’t seem as strong
Where is my home?
Can I come home?

Right.

****

I didn't get it, really. But hey, if you have experience with writing songs, go ahead and stick with what you wrote.

****

Mercy, Mercy
There’s a storm coming
Running through my veins, and I
Can hardly wait to see your face
When I win
Can you say it louder?
I’m not going to rub it in, but I
Know the day is here
For my revenge
Say it louder

Sounds suspenseful :]

Mercy, mercy please
I won’t let go
There’s a storm brewing
And I’m not reigning in
You had a chance and you
Never took it, I’m not sorry
Mercy, mercy no
He’s mine so give it up

He's mine, comma, so give it up. And in the above stanza you talk about revenge. Apparently she's trying to take your boyfriend, but revenge for what? What'd she do?

Can you hear the thunder now?
It’s coming for you
Run and hide, cause I
Never said I’d fight fair
(Echo)He’s mind so give it up
My hands around his neck
Hold him tight
Cause he’s all mine, and I’m
Never letting go
(Echo)No

I don't really have much to say. It's good, I like it

He never wanted you
He lied to make you happy
The truth is out now, bitch
Can you see the lightening?
It’s over now
Just surrender
Take your loses
It’s not worth it

I really like how your comparing your anger to a storm, it's clever. But it's "losses." Take your "losses." Second to last line. And punctuate the last line.

Can’t you see that?
It’s not worth it
He’s mine it’s that simple
And nothing can let that go

Don't you mean, "Nothing can make me let him go?" or something?

****

This one was my favorite out of all of them, personally. I liked the metaphor, and I knew what you meant, and although you were vague, it was a very specific scenario you chose to write about. But yeah.

****

All I have to say is that you have to work on these songs, especially rhythm-wise. If these were put to music and sung, maybe very carefully and well they'd be alright, but just like this? You can't. And not in a book. Don't put songs in a book, because it's stupid. It's like turning on the radio and asking a deaf person if they like that song. And most of the songs are very vague, like you're rambling on and you don't know what you're talking about, like the Romeo & Juliet or "I want to be at home" ones.

I'm sorry I got this to you so late, and I have to admit that most of this review is crap and I was just a meanie-pants, but if you have any questions or comments or cries of outrage, just PM me. Thank you :]