All Mine

I sat on my throne just staring at her. She was absolutely stunning for a human. She was young with the All American blonde hair and blues eyes. She heart shaped face and button nose. I did not have to look at my husband beside me to know that he was also staring. It seemed that lately all he did was stare at her. I was not insecure when it came to looks. A human’s beauty could not be compared to a vampire’s beauty. My skin was the color of a pearl and my raven hair fell in soft waves almost to my waist. My pale grey, almost silver eyes did not need light to twinkle. There was no doubt in my mind that I was infinitely better looking than her but something about this girl had captured my husband’s attention. I stared to try and see if I could figure it out. I couldn't.
I watched as she danced and mingled with the other vampires in the room. She was one of the humans that had accepted the existence of vampires and welcomed us with open arms. I wish she hadn’t. I wished that she was like the other humans. The humans that feared us so strongly, their feelings had morphed into hate. She would have never stepped foot into my home. She would have never disrupted the peace that used to fill my kingdom. Her back had been to us and after just one over the shoulder glance at my husband I could literally feel the lust radiating off him. I rose from my seat immediately no longer wanting his company. He leaned forward and grabbed my hand but I snatched it away in the same instant. I felt his lust melt away into guilt. I descended the three steps of the dais slowly and weaved through the waltzing dancers. I made my way over to my best friend for comfort.
“I am the queen, I could kill her with no resulting consequences right?” I asked.
“I’m afraid not Celia, but I’m sure I could hire someone else to do it for you,” Cortez replied.
He was only joking but I mulled over the option as if he were serious for a second. I saw him roll his eyes as he watched the wheels turn in my head. Cortez had been my best friend for over 500 hundred years. I loved him dearly and would be completely lost without him. He was as gorgeous as any other vampire. He had hair the same color as caramel and a boyish face complete with deep dimples and full lips. He draped his long muscled arm over my shoulders and kissed my temple.
“I really don’t understand why you even care. Josiah would never leave you,” he told me.
“That may be but that doesn’t mean he wouldn't betray me, have an affair behind my back,” I replied. Cortez hesitated before responding.
“Josiah isn’t a patient man. If he wanted to sleep with Danielle, he would have done it already,” he finally said.
That didn’t help at all. Had Josiah slept with her already? My eyes traveled back and forth between my husband and the beautiful human. He was still watching her dance. A low growl rumbled in my chest and he, for the first time tonight, looked away from Danielle and at me. He knit his brows and was at my side less than a second later. The ball gowns of women fluttered in the wind in the wake of his speed. He stopped just inches before me with a huge grin on his outstanding face. He wove his arm around my waist and pulled my body to his. His touch melted my anger instantly and I laid my head against his chest. He bowed his head so that his full lips were at my ear.
“Cortez is right you silly girl. She is for some reason intriguing to me but nothing will ever intrigue me enough to make me stray from you,” Josiah whispered to me.
I grinned and looked over his shoulder to Danielle. She was still on the dance floor but she had stopped dancing. I could feel her disappointment as she watched Josiah wrap me in his arms. Her weak human ears did not allow her to hear the words he’d just whispered to me but I wished she had. I lifted myself up on my tip toes and kissed his neck never breaking eye contact with her. I slid my hand up his chest to the nape of his neck and winked at her. Her fury wafted over to me from where she stood. I was not one hundred percent certain Josiah’s intrigue would never turn into something more but at the moment I was pacified with the fact that I was the girl in his arms and she was the girl enviously watching from afar.

Hi GreatEscape,

Just some quick thoughts. I have mixed feelings about the narrator here. She comes across to me as:

* Conceited. She likes to think smugly about how beautiful she is and how no human could ever compare to her looks.

* Hypocritical. She's fuming over her husband checking out a girl, while snuggling up to her gorgeous best friend. All her husband does is look: she cuddles up to her friend and he puts his arm round her shoulders and kisses her. I'm surprised that her husband has to give excuses for his behaviour, whereas nobody ever mentions hers.

* Petty. She's trying to score points off some poor human chick who had the misfortune to look at her husband purely out of vindictiveness.

I'd be looking for the narrator to have at least some sympathetic qualities if I were to keep reading.

I wonder if you could vary your physical description a little more. You focus on the same basic things every time - hair colour, eye colour, body shape, etc. I liked a few of your turns of phrase, such as the skin the colour of a pearl, but the repetition was starting to lose my interest.

Hope this helped.

Karsten

Hola GreatEscape!

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I did not have to look at my husband beside me to know that he was staring also.

Also looks odd at the end of the sentence -- it shouldn't be there, just move it a little: "to know that he was also staring".

My pale grey, almost silver eyes did not need light to twinkle and my body was painstakingly feminine.

Painstakingly feminine? I'm not entirely sure what you mean by that.

The humans that feared us so strongly their feelings had morphed into hate.

A comma is necessary here: "The humans that feared us so strongly, their feelings had morphed into hate".

Her [s]had[/s] been back was to us and after just one over the shoulder glance at my husband I could literally feel the lust radiating off him.

I'm thinking that "had" isn't supposed to be there.

He was as gorgeous as any other vampire [s]man[/s].

Man isn't really necessary, as "vampire man" is a very awkward sounding phrase. And vampires in general are gorgeous according to modern vampire lore.

I low growl rumbled in my chest and he

A little typo. Check over your writing a bit more! Though I know it's hard to spot things sometimes.

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The story has a pretty interesting start -- the idea of a vampire being jealous of a human is interesting. However, I don't really see at all why her husband/lover is so intrigued by this human. It's very unexplained. First of all, it's odd that a human would move around so freely amongst vampires, yet you don't address how the vampires are able to handle themselves around her and how she herself conducts herself around creatures that would typically eat her.

They seem like very interesting characters, but you need to explain the situation they are in a bit more. Why is he intrigued/attracted to her? How does this human move so freely?

Post more though! PM me if you have any questions!

~ Clo

Thank you both for your reviews!

Karsten: I did not mean for her to come off as conceited. Her saying that no human could compare to her was meant just to say that a vampire's beauty goes beyond that of a human's. She was not saying talking just about herself but all vampires. Celia cuddling up to Cortez was to show how close they were, like brother and sister.

Clo: I plan to post the rest of this chapter very soon. That part will give more explanation about vampire and human relationships.

I'm going to go back and edit this and change a few things that you both suggested!

This was an entertaining story. It illustrated an interesting constrast between species (vampire and human) and fleshed out the jealousy factor involved with it. There were a a good many things I really liked about this piece, but allow me to get to the nitty-gritty and pester you with grammar.

First, let me get this of my chest. Oh. My. God. COMMAS!

My skin was the color of a pearl, and my raven hair fell in soft waves almost to my waist.

There was no doubt in my mind that I was infinitely better looking than her, but something about this girl had captured my husband’s attention.

I rose from my seat immediately, no longer wanting his company.
He leaned forward and grabbed my hand, but I snatched it away in the same instant.

He was only joking, but I mulled over the option as if he were serious for a second.

His touch melted my anger instantly, and I laid my head against his chest.

“Cortez is right, you silly girl. She is, for some reason, intriguing to me, but nothing will ever intrigue me enough to make me stray from you,” Josiah whispered to me.

She was still on the dance floor, but she had stopped dancing.

Her weak human ears did not allow her to hear the words he’d just whispered to me, but I wished she had.

I lifted myself up on my tip toes and kissed his neck, never breaking eye contact with her.

I was not one hundred percent certain Josiah’s intrigue would never turn into something more, but, at the moment, I was pacified with the fact that I was the girl in his arms, and she was the girl enviously watching from afar.

I don't mean to sound critical here, but there was a consistency of missing commas in this story. It was still a great story, but the lack of appropriate commas detracted immensely from its overall potential. However, since I'm trying to help you, I'm going to give you a quick rule that will account for, and help you correct, nearly all the missing commas in this piece.

If you come to a point where you are connecting two separate pieces in a sentence with a conjunction (and, but, or, etc.), isolate everything beyond the conjuction and see if it can function as a sentence on its own. If it can, then put a comma before the conjunction. If not, then no comma is necessary.

For example:

I slid my hand up his chest to the nape of his neck and winked at her.

This is correct. The second part after "and" cannot stand stand alone as a sentence. "Winked at her" doesn't have a subject, and it just sounds wrong. So you do not need a comma. However, if you changed it slightly...

I slid my hand up his chest to the nape of his neck, and I winked at her.

A comma would then be necessary. Since, "I winked at her" can function as a sentence on its own. I hope that clarifies things for you.

Now for a few other grammar notes.

She was young with the all-American blonde hair and blues eyes.

Her back had been to us, and after just one over-the-shoulder glance at my husband, I could literally feel the lust radiating off him.

Although the second sentence had some comma errors as well, these both had multiword adjectives that needed to be hyphenated.

She heart shaped face and button nose.

You're missing a verb here. I'm fairly confident that it was just a typo, though.

The humans who feared us so strongly, their feelings had morphed into hate.

Since we're discussing people here, you would use the pronoun of who, rather than that.

“I am the queen. I could kill her with no resulting consequences right?”

You had a comma after queen, but these are two separate sentences, so you either need a comma with a conjunction, or just a period. I put a period.

“That may be, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn't betray me--have an affair behind my back,” I replied.

This had another comma error, but it also needed a hyphen for that sort of side thought of "have an affair behind my back."

I grinned and looked over his shoulder at Danielle.

You look at people. You only look up to people, or to people for help.

Okay, now that all the nasties are away, let me again clarify that I really enjoyed this story. Some of the writing just really popped, and it made for a fiery, emotional piece. As others said, I don't really feel sympathetic towards your main character--I personally find her to be a bitch--but it adds such a unique angle to the story. Not everything is cut and dry where you can feel that your main character is a wholly good person.

Great job!

I loved this story. you described everything with great emotion, i felt as if i was there watching this take place.


Thank you for sharing this with us! I'll be looking for more!

this was my favorite part:

I lifted myself up on my tip toes and kissed his neck never breaking eye contact with her. I slid my hand up his chest to the nape of his neck and winked at her. Her fury wafted over to me from where she stood.

Such jealousy!