Not So Perfect

Authors note:
I didn't know where to put this so I hope this is the right place. I was getting some writers block on my romantic fiction story so I decided to just let my brain flow and type what came to mind. It took a sharp turn from romance to ... what ever shall you call this piece. I greatly appreciate reviews, and yes points are given to any and all review givers Thank you

*******************************************************************************

She slowly walked up the blue, carpeted steps. This had always been her favorite staircase in the entire house. It curved round and round. When she got to the top she looked and smiled. This would the last time she would make the trip up those stairs and she waited to remember it forever.

When she was sixteen years old her father had pushed her to publish her own music, and it worked. She went straight to the top, but she was losing sight of who she was. All the money and fame disfigured her eyesight. Gave her blurred vision, when before she saw perfectly clear.

She felt the cool, solid feel of the lavender painted walls as she brushed along side of them on her way to the bathroom. This was the last time she would touch their stillness. This was the last time she would smell the claustrophobic air surrounding them.

Rounding the corner, she put her hand on the glass door knob. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before stepping into a spotless bathroom. Painted pastel pink, it made her want to vomit. Her father had wanted to paint it this color. It was always want her father wanted, but there were things he just couldn’t decide. This was her time to shine. Her time to make her own decisions.

She slowly, softly closed the pale white door behind like a mouse sneaking cheese from a cat; she had to be careful that no one heard her. This was her secret mission. No one could know until the undoable was done.

The water was hot and piercing as she lifted her legs into the tub full of water. Dunking her head under, she wondered how long it would take to drowned herself. How long it would take to die, and how long would it take for her free-spirited soul to detach from her destroyed body.

Coming back up for air, she looked at the clock. Only three minutes had past. she couldn't go that way. It took too long; someone would find her in the nick of time and save her. It would be just her kind of luck.

She grabbed the blade off of the shelf on the tiled shower wall. It was slick and slender. Silent, but deadly. It was... perfect.

It ran smoothly across her arm for around five minutes. Finally she gained enough courage to put enough pressure down that it gashed through. She let out a scream deafening to ears. A scream that shattered glass. A blood-curdling, gut wrenching scream.

Watching as the water turned a vast wine color, she did it again. And again. No longer would she have to be perfect. No longer would she have to be daddy's little girl. No longer would she have to look through smudged looking glass.

She could finally see the world for what it was: ghastly horrifying.

Hey there . It's dreamwalker here with a review and since you reviewed my artwork you get my 99th review! How exciting ^_^

Okay so onto the review!

Nit-Pick

This had always been her favorite staircase in the entire house.

I don't know why this sounds sort of childish to me, but it does. Maybe change the wording up a bit?

Ex. Out of all the staircases, this one had been my favourite.

Something like that. It just sounds childish how its said.

Gave her blurred vision, when before she saw perfectly clear.

This also sounds a little sloppy. Maybe the comma is out of place.. Well either way the best way to fix it is to reword it!

Ex. Gave her blurred vision when she had been able to see perfectly clear before.

See, there was no use for the comma afterall!

This was the last time she would smell the claustrophobic air surrounding them

The ideal of the sentence is neat but the potrayal... not so much. I wouldn't use the word 'claustrophobic' for it takes away from the general meaning behind what you're trying to get across. Maybe word it such as:

ex. "This was the last time she would smell the exhausting, restricting air surrounding them."

Rounding the corner, she put her hand on the glass door knob. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before stepping into a spotless bathroom. Painted pastel pink, it made her want to vomit.

It should not be a full stop after 'bathroom'. Comma is, de-capitalize 'Painted' and replace the next comma with a semicolon.

It was always want her father wanted, but there were things he just couldn’t decide.

'Want' should be 'what' and I wouldn't end the sentence off with 'decide'. Maybe change it to 'have'. That way it shows that she was going to make decisions for herself because he could not 'have' her free will.

Dunking her head under, she wondered how long it would take to drowned herself.

'Drowned' should be 'drown'.

How long it would take to die, and how long would it take for her free-spirited soul to detach from her destroyed body

If you're going to keep with the 'how long it would' thing then keep with it. Change the 'How long would it' back to 'how long it would'.

Hopefully that made sense XD.

No longer would she have to look through smudged looking glass

This would be more affective if you too 'looking' out. If you keep it, put a dash between 'smudged' and 'looking' so that it connects.

A blood-curdling, gut wrenching scream.

And no body comes to the rescue with a first aid kit? if it was loud enough to crack windows I'm sure her father would have been there in a matter of seconds.

Grammar and punctuation

Your grammar and punctuation was relatively good. A few misplaced comma's and such here and there. One thing I noticed though was that your sentences are very fragmented. Try flowing them in together. Making them longer and less choppy. That way it will sound more proffessional. Also, another thing you could work on is your vocabulary. It is good, mind you, but just search up more. Everyone has room to grow and there are billions of words out there (If you're wondering, the vocabulary remark is my way of finding some very small thing to critique since you have pretty good grammar XD).

Character Developement and Plot

If you are wondering why I am conbining these two completely different aspects together is because the thing I'm going to say next refers to both equally and I would find no joy in repeating myself on the subject XD.

Okay so, basically speaking, your character shows no sadness in the beginning. Initially, I thought that she was moving from her house because there was no turmoil. She showed no signs of malice in which she showed towards the end which made the story not exactly surprising, but a little unsensitized. I didn't really 'believe' the situation in which you were trying to portray which left something to be desired.

Also, there was the plot hole of her being super quiet as not to wake anyone up and yet when she screamed so loud the glass could have shattered and nobody came.. yeah just a little food for thought. Reader's are smart and will pick up on such things like that.

So yeah, half the story didn't feel real and the other half felt.. well sombre. You might want to fix it up a bit.

Setting and Description

You had a few descriptions of things which was nice and gave us a lot of colour throughout it but I would have liked to hear more on the setting as a whole like what kind of bathtub? Was it an ivory colour? Was the bathroom large? Give us all the details you can which will make this piece initially a lot longer then it was.

Overall

It was interesting. A little short and a few things I would fix up here and there but the storyline was enthralling and sad. I found myself sympathizing with your protagonist and wondering what ever happened to her in the end. It's an interesting thought.

Ja ne
~The.Dreamwalker

It was for a project my local library was doing. putting up your piece of work on a blog.
Thanks for the review:)

Hi, Rasca lover! June here!

I believe that this piece has some potential to it, but I don't that you've fulfilled it's purpose yet.

When she was sixteen years old her father had pushed her to publish her own music, and it worked. She went straight to the top, but she was losing sight of who she was. All the money and fame disfigured her eyesight. Gave her blurred vision, when before she saw perfectly clear.

I took this literally, at first, but reading again, I am assuming that this is meant to be taken figuratively; meaning that she is not going blind, but she does not see the importance of what she used to find important.

So, with my literal interpretation, it confused me when she looked and saw stuff, dear.

With this said, we cannot understand her angst, dear. Angst is not bad in a story, don't get me wrong, but we need a reason. Fame and fortune is normally perceived as something enjoyable, even if you have to be little miss perfect 24/7.

We can't understand this character-- you need to fill us in on her, give us a details that color the full picture. What led her to commit this suicide?


The problem here is the lack of emotion. She's not displaying signs of sadness, not displaying any feeling other than a want for death-- and we do not know this until the end.

I think you should take your time and edit parts of this. I don't think that every story has to be done perfectly for it to be enjoyable, but I think that when a story is based on a common topic, it has to be done uniquely, otherwise your audience is bound to lose interest very soon.


If you need any help on this, feel free to PM me.

Juniper

Thanks for the review
This was just suppose to be a short piece. nothing to big because im on a word budget here. 2000 or less

Hey Rascal. Not going to nitpick but I am point to touch on the big stuff and ramble senselessly in the hope of making sense and getting the point I want to get across.

Too much!
There is so much information that we don’t need in here and you gave us all of that instead of the stuff that we did need.

Too quick!
The span of time is paced out all right in the beginning but after she gets in the bathroom it all happens too fast. There isn’t time to connect with what’s going on. Slow down and add detail.

Emotion
We all know emotion is key and I hate having to bring it up as much as I do but I do it anyway. We have feel for the character that you’re giving us. If there isn’t any emotion then everything you typed was nothing more than a waist of word count. Make us feel what she feels.

The back story
You give us a lot of back story about fame and fortune and all this. But why? Is it really necessary and does it even fit into the idea of the story. Cause and effect come into play here. Sure, she got famous and became blind to the world around her, but what made her become so…angsty…all of a sudden. What caused what to happen?

Length
You said less than 2000 words. Well, this doesn’t even make 500. So take some time and splurge on your word budget. Decide what we need to know and what we don’t need to know. Then write that down.

Any questions, just PM me. I’m here to help.

~lilymoore

Thank you for your review... Well on the blog it has it's own word counter... and it was close to a a thousand, so I think it counts the spaces between words and stuff as well.
Thank you