Romance/fantasy Averian Marie Story

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Chapter 3
Riding

As they were riding, Geran could think of nothing to say. So, he let the view speak for him. They rode over lush hills, framed by the azure sky. Nothing could make this better. The two horses pulled next to each other, for Averian’s had been galloping slightly ahead. Then, she finally spoke. “ You know, I had some reservations about coming out here with you. Now, I know I made the right choice. This is so perfect.
Her statement broke the silence between the two. There were so many questions he wanted to ask her. He thought carefully about how to phrase them so as not to appear to forward.
“So, Averian, tell me about your kingdom. Is it beautiful?” just like you, he thought. Her glossy hair wound to her waist in a tight plait. He wanted to kiss her. No, he told himself, we only just met. Besides, she probably has a betrothed How could she not with those looks. Well, only one way to find out. “ Tell me, what is palace life like in Assyriac? Do the women have as much power as men? Do the rulers arrange marriages for their daughters?” He hoped this hint was subtle enough.
She looked at him and smiled. “Well, it is very boring in the castle. At least, for those who have no power. I am fortunate enough to have several hours a day to help with the kingdom. A bit like princess training. It is also fortunate that I have as much power as a man. I mean, female rulers bring a whole new element into play. They understand about things a man, no offense meant, can not even begin to comprehend. Like childbirth, for example. If a peasant has just given birth, she cannot possibly do her share of work. A man may see this as a problem that must be punished. Women can work out a solution, you see.”
She continued on, trying to answer all the prince’s questions as she had been taught in her royal etiquette lessons. “ As for betrothal, we have a very strict policy about that.” She said this with such bitterness, Geran was startled. Did this mean she was betrothed?
Averian continued, “If a princess does not find a suitable match before her sixteenth birthday, the court will provide one for her, which she must accept under all circumstances.” She sounded as if she were reading an official notice from the king himself.
Geran did not want to encroach into a painful subject, but he had to know for sure. He ventured a timid question. “Did you find a suitor fit for you?” He was sure he already knew the answer. So, her answer surprised him.
“ Yes,” she answered softly. “ I found a wonderful man when I had just barely turned fifteen. He was a warrior, though and he answered the call to fight for his country. When he came back, we were to be married. But he never did come back. Then, the council found fit for me to marry the most horrible man in the world.” she added bitterly.
He was taken aback by this. No wonder she hadn’t wanted to come with me to dinner and had reservations about this ride. She was still in love. He hoped he hadn’t made this two painful for her. If he had known how painful her answers were, he never would have even brought up the subject.
They had reached the spot Geran had designated to go. He hoped for something, anything, to cheer her up. Tears were glistening in her eyes now, threatening to push out past her gentle eyelids. But she suddenly brightened when she saw where they were.
They seemed to be surrounded by flowers. As far as she could see, acres of wildflowers stretched to the horizon. The only place not covered was the bank of a wide lake, where she led her horse and sat down. He came and sat by her. He had hoped that this view might take her breath away. It still stole his, although he had been here hundreds of times.
In those few short minutes they had between the time she had last spoken and now, her whole countenance seemed to have changed. It was as if she had forgotten all about the painful conversation. No, not forgotten, just ignored, decided Geran. But she had a few questions of her own to ask.
“ What is it truly like in Teranad. I’ve only seen bits out of the castle windows, and here, of course. But I want to know all about life; how do the peasants survive, what food do you grow, what are the winters like, everything!”
Geran did his best to answer all of Averian’s rapid-succession inquiries, until she was satisfied that she had enough knowledge for the moment. When they had finished talking of palace and Teranardian life, Averian decided she was hungry. Luckily, Geran was prepared. He pulled a sack of the side of his horse, and spread all its contents on the grass in front of them.
Goat’s cheeses, some slightly squashed rolls, and some fruit made up their impromptu meal. Satisfied, Averian reclined back into the grass, letting sunlight pour on to her fair skin. For almost a quarter of an hour Averian and Geran said nothing, just ---------into the sun, until Geran sprung up and offered her his hand. “Will you race me to that Oak, far on the horizon?” he asked. “Ready, Go!” he started before she was even standing. And she still beat him!

Chapter Four
The Disaster At Dinner

The ride back to the castle was pleasant enough, although the setting sun threw beams into their eyes. The real trouble began after they had come in from the stables. As they entered into the castle’s grand entrance hall, a short, thin woman started descending the stairs with what looked like half the castle. There were maids, soldiers, ladies in waiting, butlers, cooks, and a handful of people Averian could not even begin to guess what purpose they served. Averian speculated that this had to be Geran’s mother, the queen of Teranad.
She addressed Geran. “Just what do you think you are doing out at this time, alone, and with this, this, ambassador.” She glared pointedly at Averian. “ What were you thinking, leaving without a chaperone. This is horrible for your image, being alone with a woman, espesically her . I forbid you from ever doing it again. You will never be alone, not if I can help it! We’ve been looking for you for hours! Were exactly were you, anyway?”
Geran meekly explained, “I’m sorry Mother, I just wanted to show the Ambassador Averian Marie a bit of the Teranad countryside. We went to the lake. Please excuse my forgetfulness. I will not venture out without a chaperone again.
His mother, apparently satisfied turned on her heel and headed back to the throne room.With a flick of his wrist, he dismissed the entourage assembled on the steps, the castle staff leaving Geran and Averian alone like his mother had vowed never to do.
He offered his arm, “ May I escort you to your chambers to freshen up before supper?” After they had made it past the door to the throne room, Geran spoke, “I apologize for my mother’s rudeness. She does not take well to people who’s customs she knows nothing about. But let’s not let her ruin our night. I enjoyed our day together.”
“ As did I,” she added.
He thought of how to approach this next subject. “I would like to see you again,” he said carefully.
“Hmmm, we’ll just have to see won’t we,” she smiled. “But between you and me, I'd like to see you too.” They reached her chambers and he set off for the dining hall, feeling more elated than he had in weeks.

Averian arrived to supper in an olivine dress with silver trimmings and her fine hair tucked into a hair net atop her head. She daintily lighted in the only chair left, across from Geran and next to his mother. A woman Averian did not recognize sat on the other side of the queen. Later, she came to realize that this was Geran’s half-sister, Rosemary. The king, who sat across from his wife and next to Geran, rose from his seat to welcome everyone and invite them to eat. Everything was going well, until Geran’s sister had to stir up trouble.
They had just finished their first course and were starting on soup when disaster struck. Geran’s father, Lennon, had been telling Averian how the people of Teranad got along with one son from every family enlisted.
“You see,” he explained, “with their first son in the royal army, they have no one to help them harvest. So we send each family one worker to help harvest all their crops. Then, additionally, in times of hardship if some people don’t have enough to get by, we help them along a bit. Just a little way of showing our gratitude for our citizens willing to serve, you see.”
“That is fascinating. If only our country could do tha-- ” she was interrupted by Geran’s sister, Rosemary.
“If your country had enough sense to do that,” she sneered, “you wouldn’t even be in this mess. You wouldn’t have to come pleading to bigger and better countries for assistance in your own wars. But to bad you aren’t even smart enough to do that! Now, you are under our shoes, trying to cadge from us. I am sick of it!”
These comments were almost too much for Geran to bear. He struggled to keep his voice level. “Sister, this isn’t the time for it. I love you, but you don’t exactly know what you are talking about.” Geran’s father didn’t agree.
“Rosemary! How dare you speak to our guests that way! Geran, I think she knows exactly what she is saying. She just can’t bear to have strangers treated with politeness. Rosemary, you may be queen in training, but I still have the authority to put you in the right.” At this, Rosemary stood up haughtily and threw her napkin down and she tramped out from the dining hall.
The king turned to Averian. I must apologize for Rosemary’s behavior. She doesn’t get along well with strangers, you see, and thinks everyone is below herself. I will have a little chat with her. Please forgive her.”
The king seemed genuinely apologetic for his daughter’s behavior, so Averian was troubled no longer by what the princess had said. She was determined to make the best of this time she had before she had to go home and marry Kadec . She wished she could find a way out of the oath she had made with the men in her mother’s court.
When her betrothed had died, her Mother was sympathetic for a short time. She allowed for one extra year for Averian to find another man to marry. If not, her counselors would provide someone.
Averian could not believe it when, after her one year search was unsuccessful, the old men who counseled her mother provided her with the most stuck-up, self-important, brat she had ever met. He was named Kadec, and his father had bribed the council to allow him to marry Averian. The wedding was scheduled for two weeks after her return from this treaty mission. She would do anything to get out of it. Or, almost anything .

After dinner, Geran walked Averian back to her room again. He seemed thoroughly embarrassed for his sisters behavior, not at all like the Geran Averian saw that afternoon. She was eager to forget the subject, but one thing still bothered her.
“Geran, I have a serious question. And I don’t want any half answers. Do all your people feel the same way as your sister? Is that why I’m not having any success in my plea?”
Geran hesitantly answered. “Well, uh, I don’t think everyone feels like that. I personally think it is because most of them have never met anyone like you, and because you are different from anyone they have ever met.” Shyly, he added, “I know I have never met anyone as amazing as you. You know, I will really miss you when you return to Assyriac. I’ll have no one to talk to, or, or, anything.” He added weakly. He glanced around to make sure the hallway Averian’s chambers were empty, then decided that it was as good a time as ever.
He leaned in and kissed Averian softly on the lips. The smell of her lavender perfume enveloped him. He wanted the moment to last forever. At least she hadn’t pulled away yet. Then, he heard footsteps from the corridor adjacent to them heading their way. He pulled away and gazed into her eyes.
She smiled “Good night, Geran.”
He only grinned as she pushed open the doorway and walked into her room.
WHY SO SERIOUS- The Joker
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I have some feedback. I'm not as familiar with the characters, so some parts of it might have to be adjusted for age.

As they were riding, Geran could think of nothing to say. So, he let the view speak for him. They rode over lush hills, framed by the azure sky. Nothing could make this better. The two horses pulled next to each other, for Averian’s had been galloping slightly ahead. Then, she finally spoke. “ You know, I had some reservations about coming out here with you. Now, I know I made the right choice. This is so perfect.


You lost a quotation mark at the end there, so be careful.

This paragraph (as well as some of the dialogue) seems to be a little awkward. I think you have a definite idea of what you want the characters to say and do, and where it should be set, but are having some difficulty describing it.

Something to keep in mind when doing a description is that people carry around pre-conceived definitions of what something looks like. By tapping these words, you can describe so much more with the same, if not fewer, words. Take this line: They rode over lush hills, framed by the azure sky.

Lush hills isn't a very useful description because it doesn't really give the reader of what the terrain is around there. If you say "Foothill" then people know that you are talking about a hill that is at the foot of a mountain. These people also know that there are many foothills nearby. The bigger the mountain (or mountain range) the more foot hills there are.

By using a more specific type of hill, you can accurately describe your setting, with minimal additional words. A new author tries to have as many words as possible, a good author tries to have as few words as necessary.

The same general advice can be applied to skies. I don't know why, but some authors feel that if there sky is blue, then everything will be fine. They also get funny notions that, the bluer the sky is, the better it will be.

The reality is that the reader already knows that the sky is blue. This is stuff people learn as toddlers. They don't need authors to tell them when the sky is blue, or how blue it is for that matter. Let us be more specific about the types of skies there are.

Take a clear sky. Have you ever woken up the day after a rain shower, to find that you could see things that are very far away? This implies that everyone can see how beautiful things are.

The overall theme is to use a specific noun to replace a noun-adjective combo, simply because a specific noun conveys more in the way of imagery. Do this whenever possible, as it will allow you to be more precise. Study up on geography if you need to.

Let's move over to dialogue.

“ You know, I had some reservations about coming out here with you. Now, I know I made the right choice. This is so perfect.


Usually when people are really impressed, they tend to speak faster because they are excited. If they are breathless, they tend to say very little. This dialogue is more like a speech. Good if she's just trying to pay him a compliment, bad if she is truly awed.

Your character might even be slightly offended. It's one thing to have reservations about coming, but it's another thing entirely if they have reservations about coming with you.

Let's take a look at some other dialogue.

“So, Averian, tell me about your kingdom. Is it beautiful?” just like you, he thought. Her glossy hair wound to her waist in a tight plait. He wanted to kiss her. No, he told himself, we only just met. Besides, she probably has a betrothed How could she not with those looks. Well, only one way to find out. “ Tell me, what is palace life like in Assyriac? Do the women have as much power as men? Do the rulers arrange marriages for their daughters?” He hoped this hint was subtle enough.


Speaking as a guy, this dialogue and thought process isn't very authentic. This is understandable, writing for the opposite gender can be difficult. We definitely have a different set of thoughts.

It may help to think of him as a spy. He wants to know what she's thinking, without asking her directly. Instead of shooting off a bunch of questions, he'll ask an innocent question, then quietly direct the conversation to where he's interested. If she begins to suspect, he can always change the topic.

The above conversation is anything but subtle. [s]The enemy[/s] A woman would be able to spot that sort of probe from a mile away.

The questions themselves are also kind of phony. I suspect that you had the character ask it just because you wanted to talk about some stuff, not because of any particular interest by the character. When authors project their agenda like that, the readers notice.

The first thing that a guy thinks about with regards to a woman is her sexual attractiveness. Next on the list is her skills, followed by power and money. The last concern is her temperament and manners. It goes in order from most obvious to least obvious. It isn't ranked by importance, only by what we notice. We're stupid like that.

Some of the other questions, like "Do women have as much power as men?" would be better asked during the span of a conversation, it wouldn't be the sort of thing a guy would use as a conversation starter.

I think this isn't as detailed as you'd like, but it covers some of the things I noticed.
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Hi Averian! Here with a review.

To start off, Let's look at the plot.

I think that there is a definite possibility of a plot. I know you told me what you planned, but you missed a perfect moment to implement it, i.e. the lake scene, perhaps after eating. But, it could still work. I actually liked the beginings of a feud between Averian and the royal woman in Geran's family. You could (as a suggestion) suddenly reverse this between one of them, (Rosemary, most likely,) and therefore create a lasting friendship.
Another thing this could use is a reverse maiden-in-distress scene, such as Averian rescuing Geran. That furthers the plot and forges a deeper bond between the two.
However, you are the author and in control. Listen to what your characters tell you though. You subconciously created rules for this story, so stick to them, for the sake of continuity.




Now for the specifics.

As for this:

“So, Averian, tell me about your kingdom. Is it beautiful?” just like you, he thought. Her glossy hair wound to her waist in a tight plait. He wanted to kiss her. No, he told himself, we only just met. Besides, she probably has a betrothed How could she not with those looks. Well, only one way to find out. “ Tell me, what is palace life like in Assyriac? Do the women have as much power as men? Do the rulers arrange marriages for their daughters?” He hoped this hint was subtle enough.



Being a guy, I can see the flaws that were mentioned by Griffinkeeper.

The above conversation is anything but subtle. [s]The enemy[/s] A woman would be able to spot that sort of probe from a mile away.

Hear, hear. When he says, "Do the rulers arrange marriages for their daughters?" There would be a small but definite moment of hesitation before saying it.

Not your fault, though.


In his thoughts, i.e. just like you You should capatilize sentance beginings. Also, Italics only!


He offered his arm, “ May I escort you to your chambers to freshen up before supper?” After they had made it past the door to the throne room, Geran spoke, “I apologize for my mother’s rudeness. She does not take well to people who’s customs she knows nothing about. But let’s not let her ruin our night. I enjoyed our day together.”

When he says, "May I escort you...", indicate that he is speaking.
Also, the next time he speaks, the " After they had made it past the door to the throne room, Geran spoke, “I apologize for my mother’s rudeness. She does not take well to people who’s customs she knows nothing about. But let’s not let her ruin our night. I enjoyed our day together.” Change the "Geran spoke" to "Geran said" or "Geran spoke, saying,"


I also noticed some repepitiveness in this.

Other than that, I liked this. This has a lot of potential. I hope to see more of this.

Questions? PM me.


~ Eoin
Some say the written word is dead, and only spoken can it be made alive. But, when you read, is the story dead? Are the characters just ink? No, it is something more. The written word is what worlds are made of. If you don't believe me, read a book.



In the past I would definitely say who you would find inside. Not so much today. Place is bonkers …. As is everywhere
— Greg Specter