The Place

The story is now finished but will be edited with your help. I have briefly commented at the end of the story on what i was trying to convey within it. Enjoy!

It was cold. It was always cold here. Yet surprisingly it was also muggy. The place had a great way of making you both hot and cold at the same time.
‘The Place’.
That was its name, or at least what it was called. It had no real name. ‘The place’ was simply an area of land in which unusual things happened. The unimaginable was not only imaginable but possible here. Strange and unbelievable things happened right before your eyes right here in ‘The Place’.
Although ‘The Place’ was special, something was missing from it, something very important. It hads many things. It had a small house. (But nobody knew where it had come from) It had a sky which no matter what time of day was always bright red. It had a flat, uneven ground with rocks and pebbles thrown about all over it. It even had a pond filled with fresh water, but barren and empty of life.
Life.
This was what was missing from ‘The Place’. Not a single living thing inhabited ‘The Place’. No plant or animal had ventured into the small area of land taken up by it. It was motionless and dead without life. It was as if living things had deemed ‘The Place’ too dangerous to step foot in and that entering would definitely result in death. On both accounts they were partially correct.
However it was on this fatal day that this would change. ‘The Place’ was about to be given life.
*
A single bird flew into ‘The Place’ and landed on the house. It sat there for a few seconds as if deep in thought (or as deep in thought as birds can be) and then it starting hopping down along the roof. It pecked and gnawed at the tiles on the roof, but having found nothing of interest, gave up and hopped on.
It was when it reached about half way along the roof that it stopped. The bird sat very still and began to turn very pale. It didn’t feel well and was becoming increasing warm. It had a fever, it was dehydrated and it was sweating terribly. It was practically dying from the heat. At the same time the bird could feel another very strange sensation. Its feet were going numb and icicles were forming on its beak. It was in the rather peculiar situation of being both overheated and frozen in parts. It was dying of heat exhaustion and hypothermia. It looked around at the red sky and the rocky ground and the pond, desperate to leave this frightful place of doom.
In its panic it made a decision. It dashed down the roof and headed for the pool and then it stopped. A thought had popped into the birds head. The first thought he had ever had. “This is impossible,” claimed the voice in his head. “You can’t be both cold and hot at the same time. It must be a dream or a joke or something.”
This thought actually confused the bird more. It sat there and finally made up its mind. “This is impossible. I can’t be both freezing to death and overheating. I am dreaming. I will wake up,” it said.
Three seconds later the bird let out an awful wail…
…and exploded.
*
Five years passed and ‘The Place’ remained. Absolutely nothing happened there. With no life ‘The Place’ just sat there. It was like a useless void. One thing did ‘change’ however. Although you couldn’t see it, you could feel it. The place was lonely. Any man could feel the awe of loneliness evaporating and oozing from every ounce of ‘The Place’.
Ten years later was when it finally happened. ‘The Place’ had still failed in its search for life. It was getting desperate. So it expanded.
The bright red sky was the first thing to change. It was as if it decided that it would try a new policy or marketing plan to lure people in. It turned sky blue (a colour it had not even heard of until now) and shone in its new elegance. After this it decided to stretch and reach out over the horizon and over new land.
‘The Place’ agreed. The ground around ‘The Place’ which was covered in luscious green grass and beautiful meadows started to shrivel and die revealing the hard rocky ground that characterised ‘The Place’. A second house sprung up as if from nowhere into the new land and a pond formed next to it.
‘The Place’ waited. It would sure someone would come now.
It was right.
*
A man was sighted on a distant hill. He was old and weary and was desperate for a place to rest. His grey beard was stuck to his face by sweat alone and his bald head glistened in the stuff. He was obviously exhausted. Dressed in rags and carrying only a few measly possessions, the man hobbled towards ‘The Place’. He had no name and no identity and whatever life he had come from he had no intension of going back. He was going to rebrand himself completely.
The man was inches away from ‘The Place’ but it was not to be his day. He collapsed from exhaustion and lay very still. He lay inches from the place in the fields, dead.
He had come so close…
*
After another few years all hope was lost. The barren landscape remained just so. The Place was empty and had given up on its quest. No matter what it tried it had simply lost the will to carry on…
Every part of The Place was wearing down. The roof of the house had collapsed and rubble littered the ground around it. The pond had frozen over and the rocky ground had cracked and split in many places. The sky remained black and empty all the time and rain poured from endless clouds as if the place itself wept at its on failure.
The silence continued. The ever lasting silence that was doomed to last forever.
*
Five more years passed and a traveller was passing over distant hills when he paused and stared at the amazing sight before him. At his feet lay the bones of an old man and a few feet in front of him a never ending hole that led into eternal darkness.
The Place had gone…



This story is about the need for friends and company. The place is the character and resembles a person desperate for attention and company. However anything that gets near it is doomed to be driven away. It will eat and expand when miserable and it is is just so lonely that one day it will die an unfulfilled life. It is a metaphor for a character...

I hate to be harsh, but this story didn't really pull me in. It was all just on big info-dump, you told us everything instead of showing us through character interaction and movement.

Also, WELCOME TO YWS

Now, on to my review

Bold is for things that I suggest could be added, and [s]strike through[/s] is for things I suggest could be taken out

The Place had a great way of making you both hot and cold at the same time.

In this sentence you are referring to 'The Place', making it so you should capitalize the P in Place.

It had no name. [s]No real name.[/s]

You already told us that it didn't have a name in the first sentence, so there is no need to repeat it in another sentence directly after. Why not combine the two? Such as; "It had no real name."

The Place’ was simply an area of land in which unusual things happened.

The unimaginable was not only imaginable, but possible here.

An important thing to remember is that stories need punctuation; more than just period's and the occasional comma.

Strange and unbelievable things happened right before your eyes right here in ‘The Place’.

In the last couple of sentences you explained to us over and over that strange and weird things happened in this 'Place', so does that make this sentence really necessary?

Although ‘The Place’ was special, something was missing from it. [s]Something very important was missing.[/s]

Once again, there is no need for the added sentence repeating what the first one said. "Although 'The Place' was special, something very important was missing from it."

However it was on this fatal day that this would change. ‘The Place’ was about to be given life.
[s]Right now.[/s]

It pecked and gnawed at the tiles on the roof but, having found nothing of interest, gave up and hopped on.

The bird sat very still and began to turn very pale; it didn’t feel well and was becoming increasingly warm.

[s]And[/s] then it stopped.

Never, ever, EVER start a sentence with a conjunction unless it is dialog.

[s]‘[/s]change[s]’[/s]

There really isn't a need for the apostrohpe's here.

He had no name [s]and[/s] no identity[b], and whatever life he had come from he had no intension of going back

For arguments sake let’s call him Colin.

I don't like this sentence. It doesn't fit, at all, period.

Colin was inches away from ‘The Place’, but it was not to be his day.

To be perfectly honest, this piece seems to be lacking a plot to me. If the only person who could actually make it to this place dies, when does the story actually grasp the ability to follow a plot line?

As said earlier, you info-dump way too much. Yes, you brought in a bird, and the bird exploded into a million tiny pieces. In my honest opinion, the bird should have been there the whole time, showing us everything you felt the need to explain.

It was definitely interesting. I've never read anything like it before. But, it was also very confusing. When you started out, it felt like there was a character and they were describing 'the Place'. The it switched to almost a list about the landscape, and a random house.

The sentence that threw me off the most was this one: "It had a small house built by God only knows who." You could either put in some grammar, take it out entirely, or you could change it to something like, "There was a small house in 'the Place', as if it were meant for someone."
That way, you can keep the house, plus you foreshadow for the Place's loneliness. It adds the second house to be more inviting. Just a thought.

You were very redundant in your descriptions; you would make a statement, and then you would make the same statement, with a couple of extra words. Most of the extra words were simply synonyms, which made it feel like you were trying to stress things that really didn't need to be stressed. I know when I read, the I understand what the author is trying to get across the first time. Elaboration is okay, it just depends on what you're elaborating on.

Also, "In is panic it made a decision."
You might want to fix it so it says, "In its panic, it made a decision."

You have an interesting idea, and I would love to see where you're going with it. But try rewriting so that 'the Place' is more alive to the reader. Places and things can be as dead as that bird and still be shown with a vibrancy that makes the reader care.

Thanks for sharing it with us, I'll keep an eye out for more.

~Thealyn

As the others said, very unique. I liked how it was in 'The Place's' point of view.

A few tips: Reread your post once it's out. There were several typos and punctuation errors in there. Minor, yes, but it did distract me from enjoying the read.

Also, I would suggest leaving the apostrophes off 'The Place'. Since the words are capitalized, there really is no need for them.

And finally, I would get rid of the whole "It would be given life. Right now." One, because it really wasn't - there was a bird that died. And two, because it takes away from the intensity and the images that you were giving the reader. I would have gone from the description straight to the scene with the bird. Those breaks slowed it down, I think.

Other then those few things, I would suggest rethinking your hook. Could use some glitter (Kj language, sorry. I mean it could use something more to draw us in.)

So keep writing, and PM me if/when you edit.

KJ

Okay, this was deffinetly one of the most unique things I have ever read. I read the whole thing, mostly trying to figure out what was going on. Like most people said you just handed us a whole lot of informatin but your story never went anywhere. I am not saying the thing was bad, but it lacked any emotion that would help the reader connect with it. We know that The Place is sad because of the lack of people, but other then that... what is it. Does it have other feelings?

Also, besides that the story was a little random. With the bird dying, the man dying, and five and then ten years passing in the blink of an eye. I would take the others advice and try to throw in something that would really capture our attention or imagination for this place. Maybe even let us know more of what the place is thinking. You described the whole thing, what it looked like, but other then that we mostly just read about scenery.

I am sorry, but I am having trouble of thinking of any more ideas to give. just try to add more... emotion or feeling into it. Is The Place angry because no one will come, or maybe even frusterated. And you never really established the PLace's voice. We kind of heard from it sometimes, but other times it felt more like a narration was going on. This is just me, and I am not trying to be rude but simply honest with what I felt while I was reading this.

Anyway I hope you give it a rewrite, and I would like to see what else you do with this. just let me know if you take it any further!

hello..

well, i'm new here at yws, so i was just checking things out..

your story was nice and confusing at the same time. i love it how you describe 'the place', but it made me confused because sometimes you don't need to give a lot of definitions and descriptions. sometimes you just have to leave it for the readers to guess.

it was good, but this part..

For our purposes let's call him Colin.

i don't think that was necessary. i guess you just make his character more mysterious; a nameless man, something like that.

to sum it up, it was not that bad..

Hey there Danny, and welcome to YWS.

It was cold. It was always cold here. Yet surprisingly it was also muggy. The place had a great way of making you both hot and cold at the same time.

How? Show more of that.

The unimaginable was not only imaginable but possible here. Strange and unbelievable things happened right before your eyes right here in ‘The Place’.

Be more specific. Make the audience feel that ti's a strange and unbelievable place.

It had a flat, uneven ground with rocks and pebbles thrown about all over it. It even had a pond filled with fresh water, but barren and empty of life.

Barren and empty how? Describe.

This was what was missing from ‘The Place’. Not a single living thing inhabited ‘The Place’. No plant or animal had ventured into the small area of land taken up by it. It was motionless and dead without life. It was as if living things had deemed ‘The Place’ too dangerous to step foot in and that entering would definitely result in death.

Why repeat the idea that there's no life in the place? If you had shown to us that there's no life, then we don't need to be reminded again like morons.

A single bird flew into ‘The Place’ and landed on the house. It sat there for a few seconds as if deep in thought (or as deep in thought as birds can be)

Omit what's in the brackets. It is redundant.

It had a fever, it was dehydrated and it was sweating terribly.

You would had been better off showing more of the setting than state that the bird is "dehydrated". Make the audience feel as though the bird is dehydrated. Convince us.

It was dying of heat exhaustion and hypothermia. It looked around at the red sky and the rocky ground and the pond, desperate to leave this frightful place of doom.

Why? How come? Show it more.

In its panic it made a decision. It dashed down the roof and headed for the pool and then it stopped. A thought had popped into the birds head. The first thought he had ever had. “This is impossible,” claimed the voice in his head.

If you have stated that its a thought, then the audience knows that the voice is from one's mind. Clear that paragraph up a bit, make it cleaner.

Overall impressions:

I think the problem with this piece is that you haven't distinguished as to what possible threat this "Place" has on society. You spent the entire piece ranting about what it can do and what it has done. As I was reading this, I thought to myself "OK, I get it that it's a dangerous place, but what more can you tell me?" "Why should I care about this certain "place" if it hasn't poised a threat to society yet?" If you don't want to reveal that so early in the novel, then you instead might want to explain more clearly as to why the Place wants to seek life. There doesn't seem to be a logical reason for it. It just seems to happen without reason and hence, it didn't invoke a strong reaction with me. No doubt that you will clear it up as the novel progresses.

I disliked how you didn't make full use of symbolism during the bird scene. You see, a bird represents freedom as they are able to go anywhere they want with minimal restraints. But all you had during that part was a few lines of dialogue that blatantly re-tells the features of "The Place" and then gets killed off. Why exactly did you choose a bird during that scene when you could had used some other creature? My point is that I would like to see more of that idea of "freedom" (or lack of freedom) throughout the piece to make the use of a "bird" more relevant in this piece.

Lastly, be wary of "show don't tell". In some places, you simply tell us of certain aspects of the place instead of giving examples to back up what you are saying. Describe more, convince me that this is a twisted place.

I think you have an interesting concept, but what's pulling you back is the lack of logic in it.

Hope this critique has helped. Good luck.

Andy.

Thanks for the reviews. I have edited it slightly but decided not to follow it up much as i am busy with a much bigger project called Terror of which two chapters are already on YWS. Therefore this is it for the place. Hope you enjoyed the read.