A fairy tale

My fairy-tale

I knew you had called me to the park…
I knew you wanted to talk to me about ‘her’
I felt my pace slow down in the dark,
And felt tears welling up my eyes...
I shivered with cold and walked to you with a heavy-heart…

I felt your happiness in the moist air,
I heard you talk about ‘her’
I knew ‘she’ was lucky that you loved her so…
You were the perfect ‘knight in a shining armor’ though.

You told me you loved her for her beauty
And I remembered the dark scar I had over my forehead.
You spoke of her exceptional loving nature
And I reflected upon the minor tiffs we had as friends…
You beamed at her swiftness at doing things…
And I stared at the brace guarding my leg,
I heard you speak about how much ‘she’ loved you,
I knew that no-one could ever love you more than me…
I shuddered with cold and helplessness.

I thought of your happiness,
I always thought you were mine,
I guess we are just best of friends
And you will never know the love of mine,
I cried in my heart and turned away
And your beautiful voice stopped me…

I saw you look into my eyes
And I shivered with the look they had
They spoke of undying love and I knew they were not for me…
I tried to walk past you
My brace hurting my leg and…
your words hurting my already bruised heart
But you put your hand around my waist
And I hoped that I could run
I wanted you to be happy with ‘her’ many a ton

But there you were holding me in the wet darkness
And I felt your fingers around mine…
I felt you slip something on it
And I saw my ring shining on it
And my heart skipped a beat
When you brushed my hair aside to say…
‘It was always you sweetheart…’
I had always been-the ‘her!’

I really liked this piece because it was clichée but then evolved with your own feelings, experiences and details. Usually i don't like it when poems rhyme but the rhyming really helps the rhythm in this one. I'm not really sure what the pattern was though it changed a lot and that made the flow a little bit weaker

saily.kiwalkar wrote:You told me you loved her for her beauty
And I remembered the dark scar I had over my forehead.
You spoke of her exceptional loving nature
And I reflected upon the minor tiffs we had as friends…
You beamed at her swiftness at doing things…
And I stared at the brace guarding my leg,
I heard you speak about how much ‘she’ loved you,
I knew that no-one could ever love you more than me…
I shuddered with cold and helplessness.

The pattern here starts out as a weak abcb but then the rhyming jsut kind of fades away i think you should decide weather you want the poem to rhyme or not and if you decide no you should only have a few rhymes throughout the poem

saily.kiwalkar wrote:But there you were holding me in the wet darkness
And I felt your fingers around mine…
I felt you slip something on it
And I saw my ring shining on it this part is unclear what you mean maybe if you elaborated more it'd be better
And my heart skipped a beat
When you brushed my hair aside to say…
‘It was always you sweetheart…’
I had always been-the ‘her!’

Hey Saily!

I really like your poem! It's so creative and thoughtful. The part where the girl compared herself to "her" really blew me away.

Just a few things though.

I shivered with cold and walked to you with a heavy-heart…

I think that "I shivered with cold as I walked to you with a heavy heart" would be better because right now you're sort of connecting two ideas that don't really relate to each other.

I heard you talk about ‘her’

This can be changed to "I listened to you talk about 'her'".

You were the perfect ‘knight in a shining armor’ though.

You really don't need the "though" here. It's sort of confusing and I realize that it's supposed to rhyme with "so" but it just doesn't make sense here.

But overall, really good idea and poem.

-- Miss Ching