Sacred 1-2 chapters

2 posts

what do you think will happen next?

she will find her parents
1
50%
she will never find her parents
0
No votes
she will fall in love
1
50%
 
Total votes : 2


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Written by: Lizzytink and Snickerdooly

Chapter 1: The Beginning
I awoke to a woman in white uniform standing at the foot of my bed. She wore a mask over her mouth and a tight wound bun in her hair. I wasn’t very comfortable on this hard mat people call a bed. The glare from the light hurt my already aching eyes. My head was pounding from the previous events.
‘What happened?’ I thought to myself.
All I remember was slapping myself in the face to keep myself awake before sleep swept over me. A dark shadow, the mysterious silhouette of a man loomed closer to me. I heard my heart beating in my ears. He whispered something incomprehensible and inhuman. It sounded of a forewarning. I blinked and he was gone. I was suddenly thrown back by an invisible force. A deep pain struck my thigh. I felt around me and I felt shards of glass surrounding me. I wondered where the man went. I fought my body demanding sleep, but in the end, the dark blankets of sleep captured me in a deep slumber.
“Can you hear me? Are you awake?” The woman’s frantic voice brought me back to reality.
Remembering the unbearable pain I look at my thigh and wince. I needed stitches. Now. My thigh was cut deeply and was swollen two times the size.
“Oshen? Oshen Rose?” The woman said.
“How do know my name?” I croaked in alarm. I barely recognized my own voice. My palms started to sweat and a new pain in my head started. If she knew my name, she would own all my powers.
“Don’t be alarmed, for I am a Sacred. I am here to help you.” The stunning woman said. Her auburn eyes locked on mine. Suddenly, images and explanations came rushing into my mind, just like names do.
There are 7 Sacreds. The alliance she has joined is considered “the good side”. A Sacred knows everyone’s name. When a Sacred dies, another one is born in its place. A Sacred becomes a true Sacred at the age of 16. On the day of their 15th birthday, 365 days before their 16th birthday powers begin to manifest. Every Sacred knows everyone’s full name along with another unique power. The other alliance is considered “the bad side”. The leader is a Sacred and uses his powers for evil. He is called Master Ry. He controls many members of our secret society. It takes 10 years for a Sacred to replenish. Then, it takes 16 more years for a Sacred to mature. If all Sacreds die, Sacreds will never be seen again. Extinct. Dead.
The pictures that flashed by were pictures of Sacreds. Many beautiful faces flashed by, revolving around one man. He seemed familiar…
The woman handed me a glass of water. I took a sip and that’s when it struck me. He was the one.
I gasped. Now I remember! He was the one who attacked me. Master Ry, the leader of “the bad side”. Another struck me. A syringe punctured my arm.
“This will make you a quite tired.” She said.
“No I need to leave. Now.” I slurred as my voice cracked.
A few more minutes of silence stretched on where I tried to stay awake, but the medicine was doing its job. I just wonder what that job is. I was contained in a deep slumber.


Chapter 2: Routine
I woke up to the morning sun shining thru my bedroom window pronouncing that is was going to be a beautiful day out. I got dressed for another interminable day of school. I check my closet for some clothes, Grab the outfit and take off my pajamas. In the process of doing so I notice a mark the length of a number two pencil on my thigh. It’s stitched up and it sends a wave of pain down my leg whenever I touch or jostle it.
I try to remember when I got this monstrous cut, but nothing comes to my mind.
Once I’m finished getting ready I hop down the stairs as the smell of bacon drags me down the stairs. My kitchen has granite topped counters and hardwood floors. The pantry is to my left and the fridge is to my right. I trudge to the kitchen table and snatch a piece of bacon.
“Good bacon?” My mom asks. I chew the crunchy goodness.
“Great.” I reply with a mouthful of food.
“I have to get to the gym so you have to make your own lunch.” Mom’s full lips say. Dyson is sixteen and he’s my best friend, I’ve known him for as long as I can remember. My Mom has long, brown, curly hair and big green eyes. She looks a lot like me, except for the fact that I got my dad’s long blonde straight hair.
“Alright, I will.” I grumble.
I walk out the front steps of my house and see my best friend Dyson waiting for me in his black corvette. Dyson is sixteen and he’s my best friend, I’ve known him for as long as I can remember. He pats the seat next to him and plaster a big grin on my face, swing the door open and sit.
“Where to?” Dyson said with his calm blissful voice.
“Where do you think?” I said sarcastically.
“Stupid Window Pane High, god where do they pick these names, really is there a hammer high too. The lunch is the only thing good about the place.” Dyson muttered.
“Get over it.” I retorted as I throw my bag in the backseat on top of his leather seats.
Dyson sighs and drives on to a stop light. “It bothers me.”
“What bothers you?” I said confused.
“The whole ‘Goth’ thing. It creeps me out.” Dyson said.
Ha got him! I always change my look to be different and to tick Dyson off. Serves him right, that goody two shoes.
“I needed a new look. The old one was getting old, anyway.” I said tugging at my black shirt with a skull on it.
“You only had your last for 2 weeks.” He stated.
“Exactly.” I said.
Dyson sighed. He pulls his car to a stop right next to the entrance.
I grab my bag and open the door. We walk together to the front doors of the school. The lockers are the size of a watermelon. I can hardly fit anything in these mailboxes they call lockers. Window Pane High is our school.
I have math for first period. Dyson has art for first period. Second period is lunch and third period Dyson and I have together, writing.
For math my teacher is called Ms. Gomez. Her name is Ms. Lillian Gomez, but we call her Ms. Doubt. Her name just appears in my head. I walk down the hallway and list all the names that come: Jill, Lin, Sam, Josh, Lane, Mack, Ella, and Pat. I try not to make eye contact.
Math was a breeze, as usual. I make my way to lunch and see Dyson in our usual spot.
“Was art good?” I said, curious.
“Yeah.” He said, quietly.
I pick at my lunch. Unwrap my sandwich, and take a bite.
Lunch was quiet. He usually talks the loudest in the lunch room. He doesn’t regularly act this way.

The day went by too slow. I’m waiting at the front of the school next to his car. I strained to find Dyson. He should be here by now. His car is here.
“Hey sorry I’m late. I had to pick up something.” Dyson said.
“Okay.”I said, puzzled.
We hop in the car. The seat is hot from the California sun beating down on it all day.
The car ride was silent. Something happened today and I need to know what.
:-)




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Poem at your service!

Lets see here....

Overall
It was good, but you seemed to be telling me rather than showing me. Example: Instead of saying "The sun is out, and the sky is blue." You could say, "The sun warmed my back as a lone cloud drifted through the bright blue sky." Much more description in one sentence, and it makes your writing seem less dry.

You also seemed to be switching tenses a lot; you need to decide which tense you want your story to be in. Most stories are in past tense, but personally I like present, because it makes it seem more real.

Other stuff
Your lead is a bit dry, and that is one of the most important parts in your story. Try making it more of a hook.

I wasn’t very comfortable on this hard mat people call a bed. The glare from the light hurt my already aching eyes. My head was pounding from the previous events.
Here you are just telling me, not showing.

Another struck me.
Another what struck you?

I got dressed for another interminable day of school.
Vocab word, nice :wink:

Once I’m finished getting ready I hop down the stairs as the smell of bacon drags me down the stairs.
A little awkward; you could say... Once I'm finished getting ready, the smell of bacon drags me down the stairs.

"I have to get to the gym so you have to make your own lunch.” Mom’s full lips say. Dyson is sixteen and he’s my best friend, I’ve known him for as long as I can remember. My Mom has long, brown, curly hair and big green eyes. She looks a lot like me, except for the fact that I got my dad’s long blonde straight hair.
You seemed to add a random sentence about Dyson in here...I think it might have been a typo.

Dyson sighs and drives on to a stop light. “It bothers me.”
That kind of came out of nowhere, you might want to mention that.
The old one was getting old, anyway
You say “old” twice, you should try turning the first one into “other”.
Window Pane High is our school.
That sentence is a little random, you should try putting it somewhere else…or just get rid of it, because you stated that that was their school earlier.
I have math for first period. Dyson has art for first period
“ I have math for first period, and Dyson has art.” Flows a bit better I think.
He usually talks the loudest in the lunch room. He doesn’t regularly act this way.
On one of those sentences you should use Dyson’s name.
That’s all I can find. I can’t wait to hear the rest! Keep writing!
~Poem
"We played Pin the Tail on the Reason My Life Feels So Insufficient, and nobody won." -Megan Moriarty



oh to be a cat in a pile of towels
— ChesTacos