For the Unseen - One

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I just finished three new books that I got for my birthday and I've decided to play around with a new idea. It struck me while reading Evermore and watching Seven Pounds. Hopefully it isn't too rough that it's hard to read. Mind you this is a fresh draft. Be harsh and honest, as usual.

Happy Reading!

**Just so you know, I really don't like the title :? So if anyone has suggestions, let me know. I'm debating on changing it to Your Eyes Only but otherwise, I'm at a loss. Help!**

____________________

ONE

Landon

It’s easy to understand why when a beautiful person walks into the room, all eyes turn to look. It’s human nature to be drawn to something appealing to the eyes. They have done studies on newborns and they always seem to want the aunt with the perfect complexion over the grandmother with the wart rising from her chin.
Too bad I was never able to find this out for myself.
That’s why I wasn’t surprised when Harlow Davidson enters the room and many males of the classroom spin their heads to be graced under her godly appearance. I, thankfully, am immune to this and continue to tap my foot repetitively on the carpeted floor. The room smells like aftershave and a nasty tinge of B.O.—no doubt from Marcus who I believe hasn’t bathed a day in his life.
I feel Harlow’s presence as she moves—more like glides—to the seat beside me. Her light perfume makes the air around me sweeten so much that my head turns in a reflex. I grind my teeth and face forward again. She isn’t worth it I continue to repeat to myself. I don’t know how many times I’ll fall for that perfume I know almost by heart—flowery like my mother’s garden but sweet like the candy my father used to buy for me when I was younger.
I hear her shift in her chair, her sweater—cashmere no doubt—brushes the metal chair, creating a soft sound that rubs my eardrums. Her books fall onto the desktop, creating a slap and then she starts tapping her pencil against the spiral of her notebook, generating a twang that makes my senses heighten.
Shifting restlessly, I picture myself in my room, the book of Moby Dick in my hands. It’s old, the pages stiff and worn. Father told me it was a genuine copy though I just think my grandfather never took care of his books.
“Class, please pass forward your worksheets from the movie yesterday.” Mrs. Carter’s voice jerks me back to the present with an unpleasant tug and I sit up straight. I stretch my fingers across the desk until I feel the rough edges of my folder, mutilated from my lack of organization in my locker. I flip it open and run my index finger over the top of the first paper. Feeling my name at the top, I pull it out, shut my folder, and tap the person in front of me with it so they can pass it forward.
I feel a pair of eyes on my frame, the soft pull that makes me turn. No one says my name however and I face forward again. The room feels too warm and I tug at the collar of my turtleneck, the wool itching at my skin. Readjusting my sunglasses upon my nose, I place my chin in my hands and gaze blankly at what I know to be the white-board.
The class period is too long, Mrs. Carter’s voice too droll for my taste. I would rather the day be fast-forwarded to last period where I can hear the heavenly voice of what I think is my true angel.
Mercifully, the bell rings only moments later and I wait for the class to escape before I stand at last. Mrs. Carter is talking in a low voice with another student and I don’t stop to listen as I slide the books into my hands and maneuver skillfully through the maze of desks, only bumping my hip once.
Sighing, I rub my forehead with my hand and escape into the pandemonium-filled hallways. I should’ve just stayed home today. I’m just asking for disaster. Then I remember what the doctor said and I feel my strength rise. I know this school like the back of my hand; I can still picture where my locker is located perfectly. I don’t need that stupid cane or anything else.
It’s funny how the doctor still thinks I’m completely blind. I even had my driver’s license evoked for it; I still struggle with having my parents drive me to school at the age of seventeen and it’s still frustrating, trying to convince Dr. Gavin that I can still see, even if it isn’t like everyone else.
I laugh quietly. Yeah, that would go over well. Hey, doc, I can see everyone’s auras but just not their faces.
If I ever let slip to anyone about that I would be sent to the loony bin before I could even explain myself.
Smiling, I knew I had to tell Reeve about this latest idea. He would no doubt laugh his ass off and then yell at me for thinking like that.
Moving stealthily through the hallway, I reach my locker and feel around for my thick math textbook. Someone near me slams their locker and the vibrations snake up my arm, making me turn my head to see who it was. Before I can determine it, someone slaps me hard on the back, knocking my sunglasses down my nose. Quickly before anyone can notice, I slide them back into place before turning to greet my best friend.
“Reeve.” I smile. His aura is like a bright yellow fireball—because he’s all energy and go-go-go-attitude. Everyone has a unique aura; at least, that’s what I believe for I have never seen two aura’s that are exactly the same.
Everyone has an aura. It’s like their soul shining through. No one can hide who they truly are when I see them like this.
Even the girl who thinks she has it all.
Harlow walks by then. I would know her aura anywhere. It’s a faded turquoise color rimmed with a cold black. I’ve never seen anyone with such a sad, depressing aura—even the emo children still have a little life in them. But Harlow is all dark and depressed. I think that’s why I tried so hard last year to liven her up. My efforts were useless and I ended up being the blunt of all her cruel jokes. In the end, I gave up; but it’s still difficult for me to watch her walk by so alone and helpless, me being the only one that has seen the real Harlow.
“Hey, earth to Landon!” Reeve shouts, his breath fanning across my face, smelling like old cheese.
“Dude, what the hell have you been eating?” I nearly gag as I turn away to close my locker.
Reeve just ignores me, his aura brightening. Whenever this happens, I know he’s smiling. It’s still wearisome only being able to see auras. I used to be able to see other’s smile, watch their eyes lit up, watch them blush. Now, I can only try to determine what they are expressing on the outside by the light of their soul.
An aura is only the outline of the body—a glimmering light that surrounds the person. I can no longer make out face expressions or hair color. Everyone is absorbed by the aura. Humans aren’t the only ones with souls however. I was surprised to find that I could still see plants and animals. No surprise here, all plants are varying degrees of green and most animals are lackluster colors like brown, black, and tan. Everything else is a blurred vision of gray with varying degrees so I’m able to walk around without running into walls.
“What do you think Fredrickson is going to make us do today?” Reeve wonders, his aura shifting as he moves to start down the hallway. It’s a wonder I was ever able to share with Reeve my secret when I found out I was able to see people’s auras.
We were five and my eyesight had been failing for a long time. My parents were frantic, taking me to doctor after doctor but they could do nothing. It was one of those fluke things that just happen and there was nothing I could do about it. It was on that cloudy afternoon, Reeve and I playing in the sandbox at the park when I first saw his glow. It was faint at first but then, steadily, it grew brighter and brighter until nothing but the aura could be seen. I wasn’t afraid, surprisingly, and when I told Reeve, somehow, he believed me.
Since then, Reeve has never said a word to anyone about my aura seeing, nor has he ever questioned my ability of being able to move around without the use of a cane.
I shrug. “I have no idea. Fredrickson has been off his rocker for a long time. I can’t see anything about today that would change that.”
“So what you’re saying is that math is basically going to suck as it normally does?”
I nod, smiling. “Man, since when does math ever not suck?”
“Good point,” Reeve states before we enter fourth period, the audible groans coming from various spots around the room as Mr. Fredrickson writes the five-page-long assignment on the white-board.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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This piece made me feel so stupid. I got through until "I don't need that stupid cane" before I realized that the kid was blind.
I love how you focused not on the fact that he was blind, but on what any regular person would have done - like his innate attraction to Harlow, though he ironically cannot see her.

You have beautiful flow. It's as close to perfect as I've seen online - imitative of a thought process without being tedious. (I'm jealous. =D)

As to the auras - they didn't deter me. It's an interesting concept and it's outlined clearly and succinctly. However, I'm hoping there is a limited number of major characters, as one can only take so many descriptions of the colours of peoples' souls.

I felt so bad for Landon when he said he had become the blunt of Harlow's jokes. That whole section really made me interested in the character of Harlow - why she's so constantly depressed, why she feels the need to be abrasive to the one person who wants to help her. It also offers great insight as to the personality of the speaker.

Now that I'm pretty much finished ranting about how incredible your story is, it's time for a critique of some sort of substance:

"That’s why I wasn’t surprised when Harlow Davidson enters the room and many males of the classroom spin their heads to be graced under her godly appearance."
A few things - make sure your tense is steady, though I believe this is the only instance where it changes.
Also, perhaps "graced /by/ her godly appearance"?
Landon has, for the most part, an informal way of speaking - so words like "many" seem out of place, like they should be in an essay. This is also here:
"No one says my name however"
"Before I can determine it"
I don't know. Imho, words like "however" and "determine" don't quite fit from a regular high school guy who uses contractions in his narration.

Careful with commas. Separating clauses seems to be the main thing here, if there were to be a repeated error.
"Her books fall onto the desktop, creating a slap,"
"Father told me it was a genuine copy, though"
"Mercifully, the bell rings only moments later, and"
Commas are before any "and then", remember.


Small things, probably typos:
"I even had my driver’s license evoked for it"
'Revoked', I believe is what you mean
"She isn’t worth it I continue to repeat to myself."
"She isn't worth it,"
"because he’s all energy and go-go-go-attitude."
Actually, I'm not sure - do you mean he's full of attitude, or that his attitude is "go-go-go"? Because if the latter, just take out the hyphen connecting that to the word 'attitude'.

And whiteboard is one word. I think. o___O I'll have to check up on that.

ANYWAY, nitpicks aside - I can't wait to read the next part of this. Just remember to use commas when in doubt - always better to have to take them out afterwards than to decide where to add them.

Great job! *stars*
He said, "Oh yes, you can. Just hold my hand. I think that that would help,"
so I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt. He said, "I think I'm cured. In fact, I'm sure. Thank you, stranger, for your therapeutic smile."




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Hey Ash!

I could not resist! Every idea that you come up with is so great so I have no doubt that this will be entertaining. Plus, I readEvermore a while back and I loved that book. I can't for the next book in the series.

I'm currently looking for more vampire-fantasy novels to read because I started reading Vampire Academy and I am thinking about starting the House of Night series.

But anyways, on to the review!

It’s easy to understand why when a beautiful person walks into the room, all eyes turn to look. It’s human nature to be drawn to something appealing to the eyes. They have done studies on newborns and they always seem to want the aunt with the perfect complexion over the grandmother with the wart rising from her chin.
Too bad I was never able to find this out for myself.
That’s why I wasn’t surprised when Harlow Davidson enters the room and many males of the classroom spin their heads to be graced under her godly appearance. I, thankfully, am immune to this and continue to tap my foot repetitively on the carpeted floor. The room smells like aftershave and a nasty tinge of B.O.—no doubt from Marcus who I believe hasn’t bathed a day in his life.


Great characterization!

Okay, so this was well-written and I liked this Landon character but it seems like I was inside his head too much. The only time it felt normal was when Reeve came into the picture. I know he's blind but no one has nothing to say about him? or to him at least?

I really liked this and please consider continuing this. Though, you want to make sure that there aren't a lot of similarities between Evermore. But I know that you will make this into a good story.

If you post any more of this, please tell me!

Keep writing,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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frozencyberspace:

Your comment was amazing! It helped me so much. This is kind of a new style I'm trying, switching POV's and such.

Hopefully I can continue to master what I did here :wink:

Angel of Death:

Yeah, I knew someone was going to bring that up eventually hehe. I really wanted to get inside his head but I guess I got too far in... :P

I'll try to cut back on that but thanks for the awesome comment!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Hey ashleylee =]

Wow. I thought that this was beautifully written and it didn't seem like a rough draft at all to me :)

It flowed well and I think the concept for the story is briliant, not to mention original - I haven't read any of the books that you mentioned above, so to me this idea seems 100% new.

I kind of had an inkiling that he might be blind when I got to the sunglasses part, but you managed to get the fact that he is blind across to the reader without putting it bluntly.

I love how you describe the auras - it's amazing how much a colour can give away about a person's personality and image.

I'd love to read more if you decide to continue writing this story :)

Great job here!

xDudettex
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Dudette:

Wow, thanks! :D

I'm glad you liked this so much.

I actually got the idea from the book Evermore :oops: which has people with auras which the girl can see but she's not blind and she got it from almost dying. I wanted to give it my own take and my own twist so hopefully that goes well =]

I will definitely let you know when I post the next chapter, which should be in the next few days.

Thanks again!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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This was really interesting, and I think the story concept is really cool. However, probably because you're trying to get all the details figured out for yourself it seems a bit...explain-ey? XD

What I mean is, if it was a real person's thought's they wouldn't "introduce" things in such a blunt way. It makes it seem like Landon is talking to an audience or something, so maybe it would be an idea to try and make it more natural...

Its easy to slip into telling instead of showing ( I do it all the time ), perhaps try and change things like instead of "Reeve is my best friend, he knows about my ability to see auras" you could try something more subtle, try and drop hints through the dialogue and action that lets the reader know these things are true without just out and out saying it to them. Like if you'd said "i waited at my locker for Reeve, he was always last out of class" then the reader knows 1) that they are on first name terms, and the name is used very familiarly and 2) Landon knows that Reeve has a habit of being late (for example) and so it is established that he knows him well and for a long time. This just flows better than saying plainly "I've known Reeve since I was five."


Anyway I hope that made sense, and really its just a style thing. I think with tweaking this could be a great read, I really like the story concept.

:D
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Hey Ashley, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

That’s why I wasn’t surprised when Harlow Davidson enters the room and many males of the classroom spin their heads to be graced under her godly appearance.


Why I'm not surprised, perhaps?

I hear her shift in her chair, her sweater—cashmere no doubt—brushes the metal chair,


Too many chairs in one sentence, it's sorta annoying.

I picture myself in my room,


If he's blind and has been all his life, how does he do this?

Feeling my name at the top, I pull it out, shut my folder, and tap the person in front of me with it so they can pass it forward.


He writes his papers in Braille?

aura’s that are exactly the same.


Auras, perhaps?

other’s smile,


others

Okay...

II. BLINDNESS

Blindness isn't as debilitating as some might think, but it still does have its drawbacks. Here, I'm curious how Landon functions in school. He can't take notes off the board or see what the teacher is doing. He can only read Braille, and while there are lots of books available in Braille, it's still something you have to consider. He can navigate a hallway because of the auras, but can he see doors, etc.? Perhaps you could spend a little time considering all the problems assosciated.

Also, the emotional factors- how does he feel about it? Is he one of those people that doesn't like it mentioned, or is he comfortable with people talking about it? Does he wish he has his sight back- how much can he remember of seeing?

And the impact it has on his friends- Reeve, for instance. I know a woman who is blind and loves to have you describe things to her, where you are, what sort of people are around, and if you see something funny she likes you to tell her what exactly happened. What are Landon's preferences? How do people around him take it, are they accepting, or do they avoid him?

III. OVERALL

It looks interesting. The style is a little dull for a teenager, but I guess it depends on his upbringing and personality. Overall, good job!

Hope I helped, drop me a line if you need anything!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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First of all, I really like this story! The idea is so original and the writing is very well done. I like how you don't come write out and say that he's blind, I was able to pick that up as I read about him talking about the cane and feeling his name. I liked the aura seeing. Its a great idea :).

I only found a few things that could be improved.

They have done studies on newborns and they always seem to want the aunt with the perfect complexion over the grandmother with the wart rising from her chin.

This sentence it very long and doesn't flow very well. It would help the fluidity if you shortened it or turned it into two sentences.

brushes the metal chair

Since you already used chair in the sentence, I think you can just say brushes the metal.

Other than that, I think you did a great job. I love this story and I'm going to follow this story :).




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Hey Ash. What's really funny is that I started reading this and it wasn't until partway into it that I realized YOU'RE the author! (tee-hee) Anyway, I really enjoyed this. I personally didn't spot any typos, so bad for me, good for you. Hmph.

I just have one comment - I think you talk, or explain would be a better word, the auras too much. You kind of dump info on us all at once, when it would be nice to gradually learn throughout the book. Less telling, more showing, you know?

And for some reason - can't say why - I wish the MC was a girl, and Harlow a boy. Don't ask, just ignore me.

One more thing: I didn't even realize the kid was blind until I read one of the other comments. Am I just an idiot, or is this something you need to fix? No idea.

I enjoyed the miniute details you put in there, like the old Moby Dick book that was the MC's grandpa's. Nice.

So I give this an 8.5! Keep writing, Ash. You have a gift.

Your friend,

Kelsey




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Good Afternoon, Ashley.

First off, I couldn't see any grammar mistakes or any minor or major mistakes. So kudos to you!

One of the major reasons I didn't pay attention to those mistakes because I was pulled right into the storyline. And that makes you an excellent writer, because you can lure reader's in and make them want more. And that is what it has done for me.

One of the things I loved about this novel was the seeing auras ability. Knowing Landon is blind, he gets something instead. Something more...I'm actually lost for words here. Sorry. For me, I wear glasses and so without them, everything gets blurry. So I can feel and know what Landon is talking about.

I also loved how you described the sweet scent of the perfume, the color of the auras, and Landon's ability to know where everything in the school is.

You know, I laughed when you mentioned Moby Dick. Have you ever read it? I heard it's a very complicated novel to read.

Oh, and was it Reeve, who slammed Landon against the locker? I think it was him, but I'm not sure.

Now for Harlow. What's her story? Why's she so depressed? (the aura thingy) I would like to know what her deal is.

Enough of me talking. I'm off for the second part. Bye!!

Melly


P.S. You have a way to captivate people through your words. :D




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Hey Ash.

I didn't even know the kid was blind until the line that mention the cane. It just shows what a good writer.

I have read Evermore, and it's an awesome book. The auras idea is very interesting. However, if ou are going to do the auras too, you have to make it unquie to you and not by Mrs. Noel did hers.

I am looking forward to reading more. I do hope you will continue this story. It seems good so far.

see ya around
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This was a very good piece. I do have a few problems, though. in some parts you are gramatically incorrect or confusing. For Instance :

It’s easy to understand why when a beautiful person walks into the room, all eyes turn to look.

That sentence was very confusing for me. Perhaps try:

When a beautiful person walks in the room, It's easy to understand why all eyes turn to look.


Also -

I should’ve just stayed home today. I’m just asking for disaster.

You shouldn't use the same word in two sentences which are one right after another. Try:

I should have stayed home today. Whenever I go to school, I'm asking for diaster.


Other than that, there are some areas where you are not constient with your tense. But good job and keep writing!

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

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Hey. Haven't read any of those books you cited for inspiration, but I'll give this my best shot. Impressed overall.

I like how Landon's blindness snuck up on reader. Wasn't expecting it, but it works out nice. All the clues were there. I also like Landon's thoughts, and how he seems depressed at not being able to help Harlow even though she's basically been a bitch to him for trying to help. Gives a good idea of his personality, but I think it tells too much about Harlow. When he started thinking about how her personality and how her aura represented her sadness, I felt like there was just too much being rushed and fed to the audience where there could have been a bit of mystery left in. I'd get rid of most of his thoughts about Harlow, and instead have him maybe casually relate his feelings about her later to a third party. Also, don't state that the blue aura means she's sad. If we know that the other guy (forgot his name, sorry) has a bright and yellow aura from being energetic, most people will naturally infer that Harlow's blue aura means she's sad. If you keep from saying it to them, it will leave them wondering and interested.

A great trick I've learned for converting telling into showing is to just have the telling be done as dialogue to another character. Of course, you have to make the dialogue well written and believable. You also need to make the conversation make sense in the context of the story and characters. If you pull that all off, you'll find dialogue is a great place to get your exposition done without it clogging up the narration.

Or if you'd rather flat out show us what has happened between Harlow and Landon in the past, maybe via a flashback, that would work great too. I actually suggest doing both this and the dialogue-thing, but you'll have to figure out how on your own. Good luck.

About the only other complaint I have is that while this was a well written beginning, it lacks a serious hook to keep the reader interested. You'll need some inkling of the main conflict here, now, right in the beginning, or you're going to lose a lot of readers early on. As is, I have no idea what the plot will actually be about. As important as characters are, in the first chapter, plot and conflict take precedence. Sure, Landon's blind, but as he seems rather used to it, it doesn't seem like much of a conflict. I'd like to see a bit of something else here in the beginning.

Overall, well done. Now then, I'm terribly tired, so I'll be off. Later, and good luck.
“The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.”
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I really enjoyed it! It's amazing the way you explained everything so thoroughly from your character's viewpoints. you somehow took all the five senses and used them to create a nervous atmosphere. It was not only entertaining but full of emotion. The way you explain things is so different from what I usually see. I really, really, really, loved it! ><
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