Untitled (Edited)

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A healthy baby girl is born to the royal family of Riven on the night of the hunter’s moon. In the birthing chamber, which was lit only by the flickering light of many candles, the new mother cautiously held her child for the first time. The king, who was known for his weak disposition had fainted even before the first labor pains and would not be seen until late the next day due to his claims of coming down with an mysterious illness. The midwife ordered the queen’s servants to take the soiled sheets for washing and bring the queen a cup of weak tea. Soon, the babe would be taken away to a wet nurse who would become more of a mother to the child then the one who birthed her.
The Midwife was a corpulent dollop of a woman whose eyes resembled dull black buttons. She had plans when she was a younger, and significantly prettier woman to leave the small kingdom of Baireel but they had come to naught. Now the shrew was in charge of birthing children. It was whispered that she had learned ways of killing a child while it was still in the womb, which would explain the truly ghastly number of miscarriages since she had reluctantly taken over from her from her mother. The only reason she was allowed within five feet of the pregnant queen was because the royal midwife had suddenly ‘fallen ill’. The citizens of Baireel seemed to be holding their breath as hey waited with dread for the inevitable news that the new royal had died in childbirth. The streets rang with the strength of their joy when they heard the news of their matriarch’s successful delivery.

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The queen walked arm in arm with her husband through the garden reserved only for herself and her favorite members of the court. It was full of rare flora and exotic creatures who were tamed by the greatest of animal whisperers and were allowed to wander the prettily cobbled paths. The assortment of colors was almost gaudy. Golden ferns grew in small hanging pots and waved to each other in the breeze. The paths were lined with small red flowers whose open faces would follow the motion of any anyone walking by, the luxurious grass was softer than silk and seemed to invite those strolling the garden to rest awhile. Small animals frolicked in the tall grass and follies that dotted the landscape; Songbirds, merry monkeys, and many other odd ephemera. It had been several years since the birth of her child and from what the nanny told her, she was becoming a handful.

“Husband, it has come to our attention that the princess seems to have taken to consorting with common soldiers.” The queen’s face was as expressionless as untouched marble, but her eyes could break the backs of small rodents with barely a glance. With the arm that wasn’t looped through that of her husband’s, she pulled a fan from her sleeve and opened it with an angry snap. The king, who had realized that he didn’t necessarily need to respond when the queen talked, made a noncommittal noise as he leaned down to pet a baby star leopard that was napping near the path. Its fur twinkled dully like a clear night sky, and its’ eyes were a warm shade of gray. It bumped it small iridescent head underneath his palm and purred happily. Oh joy, the queen was in a rotten mood. She had not even deigned to call him Aaron, this only happened when she quite peeved about something or other.

“We cannot let this continue, husband!” She waved her fan viciously. Her face had yet to change from the expressionless mask.. “What if she gets some sort of commoner’s disease? What will we look like to the other countries if we let our daughter get sick with common illnesses?”
Of course, seeing as the queen came from a country in which the nobility claimed to have been blessed with knowledge of all things since birth, she wasn’t aware of the fact that royal and commoners were all the same in the eyes of sickness. The king once attempted to argue this fact, but all he got for his troubles was a swift jab in the eye with her majesty’s ivory fan. His eye twinged as if to remind him that arguing was fruitless. He continued to pet the snow leopard as he thought back on how he had ended up with this beast of a woman.
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Aaron’s family was descended from a line of warrior nobles who had clawed their way of the backs over the fallen and claimed dominion over their warring country. As was the tradition, Aaron was to be dedicated to the life of a scholar and act as advisor to his oldest brother who would soon become king. Unfortunately, his brother’s party was ambushed on the way back from a peaceful visit to one of their allies and the title of heir to the throne was unceremoniously thrust upon him. He had proven to be ill-suited for the job. His health constantly failed him, he lacked the natural gravitas of a leader, and the natural savvy to act as general of the countries’ armies. His advisors realized this and began to search for a bride who could be relied upon to handle both the affairs of her kingdom and theirs. After what seemed an eternity, they were met with a message from the kingdom of Baireel on behalf of the Princess Arithia. Her parents had died due to illness and she needed a husband in order to take the throne. Of course, Aaron couldn’t help but feel a connection to this girl bereft of family; On their first meeting he was enchanted by her docile nature and sweet temperament and they married soon after.

Now that he looked back, he realized that he’d been tricked. It would have been wiser for him to doubt his first impression. The star leopard, which had lain docilely at his feet until his fur was rubbed the wrong way, leapt up with a dissatisfied yowl and bit into his hand. The king whimpered as he snatched his hand back from the animal. Lovely, though the king, I cannot even pet a Snow leopard correctly. King Aaron sighed and stood, once again taking the arm of his wife.

“Have you listened to a single word I’ve said, Aaron? This is a serious matter! What if her virtue was to be compromised?” the queen huffed and dug her fingernails into his arm. It took all of Aaron’s will to keep from crying out.

“Yes, Arithia, I heard every word.”




(The rest can be found at untitled continued!)
Last edited by Dr.Atl on Sat Jun 20, 2009 8:02 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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Hi Dr.Atl,

Just a quick crit before I pop out.

I enjoyed the descriptive stuff here - the midwife being a "dollop of a woman" was particularly good and feels like an awesome food metaphor waiting to escape: a dollop of a woman with little raisin eyes in a doughy face? I wonder if you could incorporate a little more description in this piece. I felt in places like you were kind of skimming the surface, eg. simply stating that the garden is "full of rare flora" instead of describing the riotous colours, the overhanging ferns which stroke your face as you move past, etc. This would be a great place to include striking description that draws me in and physical and tactile details that make me feel like I'm really there.

I'm going to vote thumbs down on the first line. It creates a jarring tense change from present to past, and also breaks the fourth wall by acknowledging that the story is just a story instead of something we can imagine really happened. It's tough for me to be drawn into something that reminds me it's just fiction.

The animal whisperers and the baby star leopard were fascinating little details. I wonder if you could develop them a little more.

I enjoyed the more realistic elements of this depiction of a medieval era, such as the queen foisting her daughter off onto a wetnurse and being unhappy that her daughter is consorting with peasants. (If you wanted to give more detail to the queen's complaints, you could include the risks of her daughter: catching the pox; losing her virginity, and thus her value; lacking refinement and thus not hooking a really rich/powerful husband, etc.)

Given that realism, I did wonder:

* If people should be less thrilled about the birth of a baby girl, daughters traditionally being a disappointing second choice to sons who could grow up to be heirs.

* Why the midwife was still midwifing if all her charges kept having miscarriages. You'd think a professional midwife, especially one entrusted with a possible future heir to the realm, would have a better track record.

Overall, I wanted to be drawn in more by this piece, and I think there's a distant feel here that hurts reader engagement. The characters are not named, leading to slightly weird workarounds like the queen addressing her husband as "husband". There's no real voice, and the omniscient point of view isn't working very well for me. I wonder if you could improve this by rewriting to focus more closely on a single character, filtering the events through their point of view.

Take the comments which are useful to you and discard the rest.

Karsten




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Ah, I see what you mean! In the second bit of this I have written, the king and queen are named and a bit of their background story is given. From here, I was planning on moving on to the princess and having it from her point of view from then on out.I'm quite happy that you took the time to look this over, I will most definitely expound on the parts that you mentioned.




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Heya there!

Description~ You defiantly need to put more into this piece. It seems to be lacking and I found everything quite flat. Although, I did enjoy how you described the midwife and the queen's face and eyes. 'Twas quite interesting :D But you need some more imagery. Add it into and your work will defiantly flourish.

The Story~ The plot is quite interesting. I like how you mentioned the princess is "consorting with common soldiers". It intrigues me to know what happens next and the adventures she goes on. I also like how you made it more realistic by placing the wet nurse in there. The royal children never seemed to be truly raised by their parents. I'm also interested in what you mean with the other midwife "falling ill". I wonder if the "dollop" midwfie did something to make her ill. Hmm...I like it. And I wonder if the princess will have any friends among the soldiers.

Characters~ The characters are all nameless as the person above said. I do that sometimes in my prologues (this is a prologue right?) as it makes things a little more interesting. It makes the reader want to know who these people are. But, wouldn't the queen be calling her husband by his name? It only seems proper. Well, on the contrarey, by calling him husband she sounds like a nag. Which is a very annoying trait in a person and a nice edition in a story.

Others~ If this is in your own world and country, then do they have the same illnesses as our world does? If not, then list some. 'Twould be quite interesting. Also, go into more depth on how their young daughter is consorting with the soldiers. The first two paragraphs seemed like you were telling us what was going on. I don't know if that's how you wanted it. But I think it would be (for lack of a better word) better if you showed us the king fainting OR the queen holding her child then the baby being passed on to the wetnurse.

Overall~ Give this some description and lengthen it a bit and it will be a wonderful beginning. I like it already and you've got me quite intrigued. I'm very curious to know what is going to happen next.

PM me if you have any questions and when the next part is up. I hope I helped.

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"



“Rise like Lions after slumber In unvanquishable number. Shake your chains to earth like dew Which in sleep had fallen on you— Ye are many—they are few.”
— Mary Shelly