The Philosopher

Ahoy!
I'm new here, and I decided I'd post something.
Well. This story (not yet complete, a draft really) is for a competition I'm going to enter, where the trigger word is 'light'.
I thought I'd do something different, and it's a bit abstract so far, so.. any thoughts on how I can make it less abstract?

I have a pretty basic idea, but suggestions would be wonderful!

If you're a little confused, or need a basic plot outline, feel free to ask.

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The man, simply known as The Philosopher, had been drowning for thousands of years. Before sleep took him, he was an insightful man, offering his knowledge to the inferior minds of the world. With one edict, he could condemn one’s mind, one’s fate – to the rigors of a mental hell. He was not God. He would not claim that title. The Philosopher was a cynical man. Indeed, he was the definition of corruption and dominion in its rawest forms. How The Philosopher came to be respected and yearned for has been forgotten as such, ignored and left in the vacuum of history. The Philosopher was once a completely altruistic man who sought to leave this world in a better existence than when he had entered. This man, gifted with the uncanny vision of events to be, left the world. He left governance to The Light and the human race. Faced with ineffable truth of humanity’s decay without him, he was greeted by his own dreamscape and could not refuse. So he slept. He drowned within the bubble of his own divinity and thought of nothing but breathing’s continuum. He could not liberate those around him anymore, and so – the soils of life continued to churn.

The man finally awoke, eyes tired, to a world of unrelenting chaos. He managed to scribe a note, despite his tired limbs and hollow soul. The ages had chiseled away at his wisdom, because for everything that he knew, his hand lingered over the page like a useless piece of dust.

What is human law? To this point, I have always considered myself a savior of man. However, humanity is merely another canvas upon which power is painted from blood. Hate. As such, my deed has been pointless. I have always asked myself, ‘when will war and its bloodlust seem less appealing to man?’, and constantly I have answered myself, ‘Never.’ And so I began to question, ‘Does the world need a savior?’

He lay his pen down to glance around. There was nothing but rubble. The dust and ash formed in clusters around the rim of his hood. Buildings lay structure-less with not even the wind to graze atop them. Even the elements had lost hope. An eerie peace overcame him, and with an unbalanced mind, he continued his scribe.

A light does not shine ahead of me for miles. The world is a mere husk of it’s former self. What have I done? It seems my actions have been lost on the people. There is not one mouth to feed, not one well to gather water out of. There is a nothingness of magnificent clarity and it is all because the intricacies of kindness and wellness within people have been lost. I must find The Light.

Ahh, new writer! Welcome to YWS! I liked this piece quite a bit. I hope you don't take criticism as an insult (And if you do, I can sympathize, I used to! ) But here we go!

The man, simply known as The Philosopher, had been drowning for thousands of years. This was a bit confusing. Try a bit more description of why. Before sleep took him, he was an insightful man, offering his knowledge to the inferior minds of the world. With one edict, he could condemn one’s mind, one’s fate [s]–[/s] This seemed unnescceary. to the rigors of a mental hell. He was not God. I think a semi-colon would work here. He would not claim that title. The Philosopher was a cynical man. Indeed, he was the definition of corruption and dominion in its rawest forms. How The Philosopher came to be respected and yearned for has been forgotten [s]as such[/s] That seems unnesscsary., ignored and left in the vacuum of history. The Philosopher was once a completely altruistic man who sought to leave this world in a better existence than when he had entered. I thought this was a bit confusing. Try moving the words around. This man, gifted with the uncanny [s]vision[/s] sight of events to be, l[s]eft the world[/s]. That line should come later, not yet. It needs more description before it. He left [s]governance[/s] Governing of this world to The Light and the human race. Faced with ineffable truth of humanity’s decay without him, he was greeted by his own dreamscape and could not refuse. From whom? (Or what?) So he slept. He drowned within the bubble of his own divinity and thought of nothing but breathing’s [s]continuum.[/s] Continuation He could not liberate those around him anymore, and so[s] – [/s] No hypen here.the soils of life continued to churn.


The man finally awoke, eyes tired, to a world of unrelenting chaos. He managed to scribe a note, despite his tired limbs and hollow soul. The ages had chiseled away at his wisdom, because for everything that he knew, his hand lingered over the page like a useless piece of dust.

What is human law? To this point, I have always considered myself a savior of man. However, humanity is merely another canvas upon which power is painted from blood. Hate. As such, my deed has been pointless. I have always asked myself, ‘when will war and its bloodlust seem less appealing to man?’, and constantly I have answered myself, ‘Never.’ And so I began to question, ‘Does the world need a savior?’ Italicize thoughts or notes.


He lay his pen down to glance around. There was nothing but rubble. The dust and ash formed in clusters around the rim of his hood. Buildings lay structure-less with not even the wind to graze atop them. Even the elements had lost hope. An eerie peace overcame him, and with an unbalanced mind, he continued his scribe. This paragraph needs (You guessed it) more description. Is he in a room, is he outside, and what are the details of each.


A light does not shine ahead of me for miles. The world is a mere husk of it’s former self. What have I done? It seems my actions have been lost on the people. There is not one mouth to feed, not one well to gather water out of. There is a nothingness of magnificent clarity and it is all because the intricacies of kindness and wellness within people have been lost. I must find The Light. Again, Italicize thoughts and notes.

This is a good idea that you're working at, but all things need to be refined and renewed. We're only human. I really like this type of story.


Setting description, plus "Showing v.s. Telling.
Your setting goes along with the Big Three: Plot, Characters, and Setting. These are crucial parts of any story, whether 1,000 page novel or 2 page child's poem. If any one of these is left undescribed, or under-described(which is just as bad), the story will, ultimately, fail. Thankfully we can change things.

Please forgive me for harping on you for description, but it was the main flaw, so I pounced. I don't want to sound cruel and heartless. I have problems in my writing, too.

Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!

I love constructive criticism, and I shall definitely take into account yours when I'm writing my final copy!

Everyone is so friendly here.

Welcome nighteyes!

I'd just like to make a quick point of the rules. It's asked members keep a 2:1 ratio. That means, they do two reviews for each one thing they post. Review quickly so you can catch up. As long as your comments on a story are three lines long, it'll count as a review. ^_^

So, onto the review.

Language: It's beautiful, and fits the tone of the story near-perfectly, but maybe tone it down a bit? See, readers don't like too many long words anymore. Even though the word might be perfect, it's a bit too complex for us to know. I'd add in more metaphors to show the Philosopher's pinnacle of knowledge.

Tense Change: It's probably a good idea to put the not he's writing in italics. That way, we know it's him writing/thinking, not a slip-up. If you don't know how to add italics here, PM me and I'll explain it. ^_^

The Note: The way you described it before he actually began writing is a bit hard to completely understand. What is this dust? The dust, mostly, is what I'm confused about. It seems like a metaphor, but I can't place it.

However, it is possible to explain that meaning without giving it all away! If you only explain half the metaphor, as we read, we'll discover the rest of it. Just an idea.

Overall: This was beautiful! I loved the high class of things, and the Light being the guiding source. You've explained things well, and I can't wait to see more!

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

This is quite a good concept. I really like the hook in the first sentence. Many times, that's how people test stories - if the first sentence can't get them, they won't read it. I agree with Rosey Unicorn; it would be a good idea to use italics for the note and maybe tone down the language a little (but not too much! It sounds beautiful as is). Is there a word limit for this contest? If not, maybe you should write a bit more about him (in the second paragraph) without the abstractness of the first paragraph. Make it a bit more concrete there and the contrast will be even more striking.

Beautiful! I like your style of writing. There's not much I can say that hasn't already been said though. But, I do agree with Rosey Unicorn and ANate145. Maybe tone down the language a bit, but not so much that it would take away the beauty of your writing. Add commas, semicolons or replace words where they are needed.

Hello, welcome to YWS! I liked your peice as a whole, and it made me actually read it, instead of the barely skimming over words like I usually do. I attribute this to the excellent use of vocabulary and the well-structured sentences. I really liked the first sentence, precisely for the reason that it was confusing. It kind of hooked me like, "What in the world does that mean?" So I had to keep reading. The character's thoughts and writing do need something to emphasize that they are such. Italics would be nice. Otherwise, I thought it was great! (It had the feel of a novel called the Book Theif, though I don't know if you've read it.) Great job!