A pack of friends and foes

It’s the time of night when I can fully let myself go. When my demonic side can come out and ravage out in the woods. It’s time when all demons like myself can come out to play. Now we aren’t like the demons you maybe thinking of. With the red skin and red horns, we are not the devil. The demons I’m talking about have many different species and powers.

Like take myself for example. In human form I’m what many humans would call beautiful. I’m five-nine, deep blue eyes, thin; my hair is long, and jet black. Then we have a half form which for me is my fox ears sticking out, and my tail is visible. Full form is my six foot tall, all black fur, and I’m on all fours with tail and ears.

Personally like any other demon I believe my species, a fox demon, are the most unique and best demon out there. We have a very unique ability that is hard to control. We can create and control fire. It’s very rare for that kind of power to happen. That’s also why we are so far and few between. Being that we don’t have that many numbers we tend to just stay to ourselves.

As the moon rises I get ready for my shift. My joints pop, going on all fours, my limbs grow longer, my skin gets covered by midnight black fun, my ears and tail form, and within a few seconds I’m in my demonic form. I stretch out and then I jump off my roof.

Running through the forest always gives me a sort of high, since I can’t be like this all the time. I can here others that have all ready gathered around the pool that we all go to every night. Movement above me catches my eyes. I stop and so does the movement above me. In a tree I see a new vampire staring at me. “Don’t even think about it. I will kill you before you even get near me.”

“No, I know about the pack. If you come here you cannot attack. Unless there is a human threat. It’s just I’ve never seen a fox demon before. You are certainly as beautiful as they say.”

I smile, “Why thank you. Do you want to walk with me to the pool?”

I see a smile come a cross her face. She jumps out of the tree. “If you don’t mind” I nod my head and we walk together to the pool.

As we walk I share a little it of advice. “Make sure you show respect to everyone. This way you will get along with everyone.”

“Thank you.” We come to the pool. It’s lit by many thousands of fire flies, the water’s blue rays shines, many demons are gathered around the pool chatting. The vampire takes off to talk with other vampires I assume. I move toward the lycans.

We all generally get along. We all understand that the one thing we have in common is that we truly can’t totally be are selves. But here that is possible to be are selves. We just need to make sure no humans get curious. The ones that do we need to make sure they don’t go home. We don’t like the idea, but it has to be done if we are to keep this place.

“Hey there Luna how are you doing?”

I bow my head in respect to the Alpha male, “I’m good Levi.”

“So, when are you going to settle down?”

“Haha, Levi, me settle down. How many times am I going to have to say this? I’m not that type of girl. I enjoy my freedom of being single.”

I can see a smile come across his face. “Even if you found one or you own kind?” He asks.

I tilt my head to the side. This is the first time I have heard that side to this argument. “I don’t know. I’ve never actually seen another one of my own kind.”

Hi there! I'll be reviewing you today. Sorry if it seems a bit harsh; I'm not trying to be mean.

When my demonic side can come out and ravage [s]out in[/s] the woods.

"Rampage through" would be better. It does not have the unfortunate implication of someone running around serial raping trees.

You have a lot of sentence fragments: fix that. They make your writing choppy and unpleasant to read. They can also make it very confusing. You also have other problems with your sentences such as missing words, run-on sentences, and sentences with improperly used punctuation. I suggest reviewing basic sentence structure and the uses of punctuation, especially commas and periods.

You also dump a lot of information on the reader all at once. It doesn't help that you tell us all of this rather than show some of it. First, ask yourself how much of this information is absolutely necessary to the story. Then, ask yourself how much of the information needs to be given now, and how much of it can be given later. Finally, try and make it more interesting to read and learn about this information. For instance, the tidbit on the narrator's different forms could have been covered during her actual shift. Elaborating a bit more on the shift itself would be a good idea. Basically, you don't show enough; describing things more vividly would help as description is a form of showing.

So, one moment the narrator is poised to attack, and then she smiles at and invites the vampire just because of a couple words? No apologies for the death threat? Also, the dialogue between Luna and the vampire felt very unnatural, repetitive, and forced.

This chapter ended abruptly. There was no sense of things drawing to a close, and it was cut off in the middle of a conversation. This chapter really could use a lot of expanding.

Another thing I noticed was that the idea for the story so far has been very cliche. The demons, especially the fire-wielding fox, were not very original. Now, this isn't a bad thing in itself, but I did not see any hints of you portraying these demons as anything other than their popular conceptions. From what I can see as well, the plot is also pretty standard. It is possible to take cliches and use them well, but relying on them too much makes for a pretty boring story. If you're confident you can pull it off, however, go right ahead.

Overall, watch your grammar, make sure your characters' actions seem natural and reasonable, pay attention to pacing, and possibly take a closer look at your story's world and premise.

Hello! Very nicely detailed story.
Here we go:

I can here others

I'm sure that this is just a typo, however it is hear not here.

“If you don’t mind” I nod my head and we walk together to the pool.


I think it would sound nicer with a comma after mind.

[quote]“Haha, Levi, me settle down.

It would be a bit more professional to edit out the "haha" and perhaps say before or after the quotation "she said with a laugh" or something to that effect. Maybe you could also italicize the "me", but that is purely my personal preference, it just depends on where you want the most emphasis in the sentance.

But seriously, a great story!

Hey there, interesting story. Is this the first chapter? Or just a piece or a prologue? It was kind of short if it was to be a first chapter, so if it is I suggest maybe adding detail and developing your characters more. What did the vampire look like? What did Levi look like? I only know what Luna (your mc I think) looked like because you told us. And maybe try showing more instead of telling.

I only found one grammer issue:

...we truly can’t totally be are selves. But here that is possible to be are selves.

you had are selves, should be ourselves.

Other than that good job, it was interesting and I would like to learn more. Does Luna find someone to settle down with? What more is there to this pack? What sort of other "demons" are there? I want to know!

Good Job

Keep Writing

-Lauren-

Your intro was very good. Good detail. There are a few typos here and there. At certain points, I felt sort of confused, like who she was talking to. But otherwise, it's very intriguing.