The Mysterious Signal

The Mysterious Signal

The year, 2113, the earth finally built its first station beyond the moon. My father was there at the time. No one expected the station to be unstable, but it was, and not getting any better. That’s when it happened.
A transmission came in on the teleport floor. It was encrypted, so they all thought it was from the Onia Corp. headquarters. They accepted the transmission.
“What the heck is that?” inquired Marip, over an electric sound. A being started to solidify on the pad, bringing a dreadful aura. It demolished the computer with a single touch. It fired a mysterious orb from it dark and blue palm.
Screaming followed, filling the entire station. Around the station, people ran. The fire burned everything in sight. While in an attempt to escape, my father was killed by whatever the thing was. No one every found out, but one thing is for sure, it will come back.

14 years have past since the incident. I am now 14 years old and now the CEO of Onia Corp. I am the only teenager to be a test subject. I took a radiation test to see if I could pass the Tomano test. I did, and became the smartest kid in the universe. That’s what scares people. For now, I know what the thing on the station wanted. It wanted me, dead.

Hi. the title caught my eye so i thought i'd give this a read. this is slightly confusing as i have no background info and i don't know what 'Onia Corp' is or where it is. however the tension is built up well and it was spoiled by the fact that i felt i was missing something background info. some of your sentences can be quite awkward and don't flow. But that's nothing a quick proofread won't change. i really liked the way you introduced the situation and i look forward to reading more when you post it.

Hope this helped,

Afeefah

All advice will help. Now, I'm just an amateur author, with all this help, I will get better and better. Thanks.

The year, 2113, the earth finally built its first station beyond the moon.

This sentence is awkward to read. If you put an in in front of the first the, it would probably be more fluent.

No one expected the station to be unstable, but it was, and not getting any better.

The last part of the sentence isn't needed and just makes it confusing.

“What the heck is that?” inquired Marip, over an electric sound.

What do you mean by an electric sound?

I am now 14 years old and now the CEO of Onia Corp.

The second now isn't needed.

Show don't tell One problem with this story it only tells about everything. Throughout the story, you never actually showed anything. CastleInTheSky has an excellent article on how to show instead of tell. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticlebody.php?t=41426

Setting There is also no setting. What does the teleport floor look like? Is it square with windows instead of walls? Is it circular with steel floors? Is it almost empty? No one can tell unless you describe it.

Characters The reader literally knows nothing about the characters. What are they like? From the story, you can't tell whether they are miserable to be around, angry at everyone, or happy all the time.

Shortness Part of the reason there are problems is just that it is too short. It is hard to describe anything from how short your story is. If it was longer, it would be easier to understand everything.

Overall Overall, your story is good. I couldn't find any grammar mistakes. If you could just describe things a little bit more, it would be a great story.

Hey Juicebox!

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The year, 2113, the earth finally built its first station beyond the moon.

The structuring of this sentence is rather odd. You have two commas in there, cluttering up the reading of the sentence, when they're not really necessary at all. A more clear way to phrase this sentence would be "In the year 2113, the earth finally built its first station...". You eliminate one comma this way, and really unless you're using a lot of description, the less commas the better. This is a simple introductory sentence, not full of a lot of detail, so its good to lower the comma usage.

My father was there at the time. No one expected the station to be unstable, but it was, and not getting any better. That’s when it happened.

"That's when it happened" isn't necessary. We know something is going to happen, especially since you've just said no one expected the station to be unstable, and we know it's going to happen while his father is there, which you've already mentioned. So it's best to just ditch the last sentence.

“What the heck is that?” inquired Marip, over an electric sound.

There's no need for that comma. It reads fine without it.

A being started to solidify on the pad, bringing a dreadful aura.

Where is that pad? What room are they in? What does it look like? What exactly is "the pad"? I don't read science fiction that often, so when you say "the pad", I think of something Star Trek-y looking, which I'm not sure is what you want us to imagine -- so tell us what you want us to imagine as readers. Establish a setting. Tell us, even briefly, what the location looks like, what the objects the characters are interacting with look like.

It demolished the computer with a single touch. It fired a mysterious orb from it dark and blue palm.

Oh, dip! So this thing is kinda scary! Unfortunately, you haven't really described it yet. Give it some description. What does this dark and blue thing look like BEFORE it sets off on a path of destruction? It isn't the best to describe the creature after it's already started melting the ship around it.

No one every found out, but one thing is for sure, it will come back.

For sure? How does he know? There has to be some sort of hint or clue, some sort of reasoning -- tell the reader.

It wanted me, dead.

Comma isn't necessary. "It wanted me dead". Dead just looks all awkward, hanging out on the other side of the comma.

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Y'know, this is a decent start to a science fiction storyline. It's creepy and unsettling, it's got a monster -- I like that. You just need to take the time and fill it out some more, in the areas where I've already told you. When writing, try to slow down the plot and describe things more. Pacing is very important in fiction, because if you're going too fast, then you lose the reader, and if you're going to slow, you lose the reader also. So the trick is finding a nice medium of describing things, but not too much, but right now you're writing too fast -- so try to slow down your pace and savor your storyline and characters and setting some more.

Hope this was helpful!

~ Clo

okay, so what is Onia Corp, where is it. who is this person, is it male or female, how old was he/she at the time of the incident, more detail would be nice. i think that taking people's advice is great, but that's my opinion. you don't have to take it, but i've been better off. anyway the idea of it all is great! i love it. another word of advise:keep writing!
~Livi J.