Risen Demon {1}

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Rain fell silently as an young boy, about 14 of age stepped out. He had bright green eyes and light brown hair. He wore only a black t-shirt and jeans.

While on his way to his friend's house, a rustling stopped him. His eyes flicked left and right. Sweat produced itself near his temples. The noise came again. From a bush nearby. The boy reached and grabbed onto his belt just in case.

Then it came. A body, small and translucent. It was in the shape of a human, a baby human.
"Argh!" the boy roared. He grabbed at his belt and pulled out a long dagger. He began to slash at the white monster. It clung to hit, spitting mysterious blue liquid. The boy gulped. Soul Poison. The monster's claws dug into the skin of his face.

"Oh Lord," he muttered. The monster swiped away the dagger with a quick movement. His mouth open, dripped with saliva and poison. The boy, with bare hands, began to punch. His eyes began to glow and turn teal.

The monster, dropped his grip. A clear fluid seeping out of his large cuts. He crouched on the sidewalk with a snarl. His eyes were only white. And were bloodshot. His football head bobbed back and forth. And with one last glare, the monster left, leaving a trail of its poison dissolving in the hard rain.

The boy, Unit, stalked on. His legs trembled. He looked like he was going to faint. Until, he heard a distance scream. Of a girl.

Unit's head whipped up. His eyes stopped glowing. His face twisted up and looked hard at the direction of which the scream appeared at. It was the direction the Thing went. He gulped. The hairs on his forearm stood still and straight up. A swirly feeling began to brew in his stomach. Unit ran towards the direction.

"Damn!" he cursed. The Thing was gone. trail barely visible. But he had left a girl. She had the most pretty brunette-blue hair Unit had ever seen. He gulped. She had a long cut extending from her wrist to her shoulder. The Thing was about to poison her. Blood gushed out, glistening and deep rich red. Unit sighed. He stripped off his shirt and tied it around the girl's arm. He lifted her, and they began to go back to Unit's.

"Hey, Heat, you have to come here. There's a girl, and she is like, dead looking." In fact she did look dead. Her face was pale as a ghost. Her lips blue. Her eyes closed. Barely breathing and cold.

"Uh... Okay. But is she one of us?" Unit said no. The other line was silent for a while. "Mmmm, okay then." There was a click and Heat hung up.

"Where... Am I?" The girl's eyes opened slowly like a snail. Her vision was fuzzy and she could see faint traces of light. The walls were blue, light blue. The couch she was on was black. The floor a turd brown.

"Oh thank Lord! Heat, she's awake!" a male voice called. She bolted up. "What? Where am I?!" She threatened to smack the copper haired boy, but a sharp pain shot up her arm. She let it down slowly.

"Feisty, aren't we?" another boy said. He was in jeans and a band shirt. His black hair angled his face, making him look quite handsome. His eyes were an intense blue. She thought he was pretty.

"Who are you?" the girl asked again. Heat sat down on the magazine cluttered coffee table. Unit sat next. "I'm Unit. This is Heat." Heat winked at her. She blushed. "I'm..." the girl said, struggling with her name. "It's ... Glace." Her face scrunched up when she said it, like she was going to spit up something. Unit smiled. "Well, do you want coffee, Glace?" She nodded. Unit left the room.

She was left with Heat. He leaned close, like they were about to share a secret. "Hey, let me tell you something, ok?" he said. She nodded. "I... Know what you are," he hissed. "We did a Check and we know." The girl's face showed genuine confusion. "What.. Do you mean?" Hotness rushed to her face. "Don't lie," Heat said with a rattle. "We know you're a demon from Hell." Glace swallowed. She honestly didn't know what these two nut jobs were talking about. "Look, I know I'm a human. Ask my mom. My..." she trailed off. She never had a father. He had abandoned her, her mother, and her little sister Klaire.


"Your...?"



"Nothing!" she snapped. Heat had a smug grin on his face. "If, you're not a demon, tell me, how did you get that silly mark on your neck." She looked down. He was pointing to the blood red star on her neck. Glace covered it up immediately with her thin hands. "I... Was born with it," she explained. Heat made a tsk noise. "Only demons are born with stars. He showed her an arrow on his left shoulder. "Only Yets are born with arrows."


"Yets?" Glace leaned in too look at the arrow. It looked like a fake tattoo. "Hunters. We kill things that aren't suppose to be on Earth. Like... Your kind." Glace shivered. "What do you mean 'your kind'"?

"Demons."

Glace's eyes began to water. She was upset because the boy was scaring her.

At that moment, cheerful Unit came in. "Hi! I have the coffee!" His smile faded when he said almost-crying Glace and serious-crabby-looking Heat. Something had happened.

In swift movements, he sat down next to Glace. "Honey, are you okay? I know Heat can be a little stupid at times. Have this coffee made by the only Unit." He smiled warmly. Glace, with a trembling hand, took the mug. When their hands touched, an electric jolt filled her up.

She drank the coffee. Then Glace drank another, and another. She felt energized.

Then, with heavy eye lids she laid her head on Unit's lap and fell into a deep slumber.




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about 14 of age stepped out

About fourteen whats? I believe you're missing "years." Also, when writing, spell out fourteen instead of just using the numbers. The general rule is anything under one hundred you write out while anything over one hundred you use the numbers for.

He wore only a black t-shirt and jeans.

He's running around barefoot? Rather than only, "a simple outfit of" would be better, unless he is running around barefoot. In which case I ask, why is he barefoot?

From a bush nearby.

Sentence fragment. Merge it with the previous sentence.

a baby human

"An infant" would work better and sounds less awkward.

It clung to hit

Him, perhaps?

spitting mysterious blue liquid.

And then right afterward you identify the liquid as Soul Poison. Obviously not mysterious after all. Instead, I suggest taking the time to describe the liquid a bit. Is it glowy? Goopy? See-through?

I have to leave now, but I'll finish reviewing this a little later when I have the time.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR




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Well I'm not that fluent in typing. So I will miss some keys or type some extra on mistake, okay? I'm sorry. Plus I can write how I want to. It doesn't matter if it's a sentence fragment in logic thinking. I'm not logic. I write as I please. I'm sorry... And he is barefoot because he wants to walk barefoot. It is quite better walking barefoot than with shoes.
A soul is like someone's true colour, take it away, and you're leaving them in a grey aura ~elite~




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Well I'm not that fluent in typing. So I will miss some keys or type some extra on mistake, okay?

That is why it is a good idea to proofread your work. Check it over for any mistakes you can find and fix them before you show anyone else. That way, you'll get more comments on the story instead of "Oh, this isn't grammatically correct," or "This sentence isn't really a sentence."

I'm sorry. Plus I can write how I want to. It doesn't matter if it's a sentence fragment in logic thinking. I'm not logic. I write as I please.

Then why, I ask, are you posting this on a site where critiques are required? This site exists to point out all the mistakes and parts that need improving on; not to give comments all along the lines of "Wow! You're such a talented writer!" or "OMG! I love your story!"

Also, since you are posting this story on the internet, you obviously want other people to read and enjoy it. People will not read or enjoy a story they cannot understand, especially if there are a lot of mistakes (like misspellings and missing words) that could easily be fixed by just one proofread. Most people think and read logically. If you cannot write logically, then no one will want to or enjoy reading what you write.

And he is barefoot because he wants to walk barefoot. It is quite better walking barefoot than with shoes.

Then you should mention this in the story. We readers are not telepathic. We cannot know everything about the character that you know unless you tell us.

---

he heard a distance

It should be distant.

The Thing was about to poison her. Blood gushed out, glistening and deep rich red. Unit sighed. He stripped off his shirt and tied it around the girl's arm. He lifted her, and they began to go back to Unit's.

The monster is about to poison the girl, but Unit wraps his shirt around the bleeding arm and picks her up and walks away. And the Thing lets him? Why doesn't it attack Unit while he's tying the shirt around the girl's arm? What is the Thing doing while Unit is occupied with the girl?

The other line was silent for a while.

When did he take out/get a phone?

So, the girl was bleeding heavily, looked to be near-death, and then she wakes up and tries to whack someone? And she doesn't feel weak or dizzy from blood loss? Is her arm even properly bandaged, or is it still wrapped up in the shirt? How much time has passed from when Unit found her to when she wakes up? All of these are very important questions that you've skipped over the answers to.

She felt energized.

Then, with heavy eye lids she laid her head on Unit's lap and fell into a deep slumber.

So, Glace just drank at least three cups of coffee, felt energized, then suddenly just fell asleep? You're contradicting yourself here. Coffee generally makes people not sleepy.

Things to keep in mind in general:

Sentence fragments can be effective, but only when used in moderation. You use way too many sentence fragments, and they are fragments for no apparent reason. It made this story very frustrating for me to read.

Every time a different person speaks, you must start a new paragraph. These separate paragraphs make it easier to keep track of who is saying what.

You tend to skip over important events such as why/how the Thing just disappeared from the story, when did Unit take out his phone, and what state Glace is in when she first woke up, among other things. You cannot skip over these bits, otherwise you'll lose your readers. The same holds true for description. You skip over description almost entirely.

Also, I'm not sure if you are aware, but there is a rule on this site that for every story/poem you post, you should review two other stories/poems. Saying something like "This is great!" or "I love this!" does not count; you also have to explain why you like or dislike something.

Overall, aside from all the things I pointed out, you did introduce the Demons/Yets bit fairly well. The dialogue wasn't bad, either.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR




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Thanks for your advice. It'll help me. By the way, it was my brother who wrote the reply. Still thanks for your advice. You're pretty cool.
A soul is like someone's true colour, take it away, and you're leaving them in a grey aura ~elite~




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Hi, I figured that I'd review this.
The monster, dropped his grip. A clear fluid seeping out of his large cuts. He crouched on the sidewalk with a snarl. His eyes were only white. And were bloodshot. His football head bobbed back and forth. And with one last glare, the monster left, leaving a trail of its poison dissolving in the hard rain.
The monster, dropped his grip. no apostrophe here.

The boy, Unit, stalked on. His legs trembled. He looked like he was going to faint. Until, he heard a distance scream. Of a girl.
Should be distant.

Then, with heavy eye lids she laid her head on Unit's lap and fell into a deep slumber.
I am just nit-picking here, but eye lids should be eyelids.

I really like this, please PM me if/when the next part comes out.
Just another quack spouting psychobabble.

"If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm mad. That's the way history is written."



The continuation of our world depends more on the survival of the kindest than it does on the survival of the fittest.
— Arcticus