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Last edited by Angels-Symphony on Tue Jun 16, 2009 4:36 am, edited 3 times in total.
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.




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Hello. I haven't read the previous 49 chapters (that's a lot), but I hope I can still help (even if that only means bumping this thread to the top of the list) :wink:

her legs laid out [s]right[/s] in front of her.

Doesn't really need the extra word.

There wasn’t a trace of amusement, sarcasm, or enthusiasm shining in her eyes. Instead, an air of sobriety surrounded her like a force field.

Good description.

I nudged her with my knee and placed my arms behind my head [s]like[/s] to cushion it.

The phrasing seemed a bit colloquial. Don't know whether it was a typo or whatever.

The description at the end was really good by the way.
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.




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Well, this is the first chapter of your story I've read, but I'll give it a crack anyway.

“Then why did you-”

For parts like this, a triple period works better. So it would be "Then why did you..."
“Jade, for once in your life could you just relax?” She sounded it more like a statement.

I'm not sure if the last part works well enough. Maybe you could put it as "it sounded more like a statement".

Although it was short, I rather liked it. Your characters stand out as original and the dialogue felt very natural. I didn't get a really good look into your story since it was so short, but I'm pretty sure everything else would hold up. Anyway, good job. It was very well written.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.



i understand why roosters scream in the morning
— SpunkyMonkey