Being Remembered ch. 1

Being Remembered



Chapter 1

The engine drummed on mindlessly. My eyes drooped with lack of sleep, I didn’t want to close them, I didn’t want to have another horrid nightmare. The sound of the engine made it hard to concentrate, creating a dulling effect that was slowly hypnotizing me to go into a disturbed sleep, only to awake sweaty and screaming.
The trees swept as a dark green blur, the only light was from the moon and stars above staring down at everyone.
I could hear the sound of the tires moving rapidly beneath us. The gentle hoot of an owl. An exhausted sigh from my mother.
Mother… or so I called her sat unmoving at the steering wheel.
Everything now was unmoving, nothing stirred in the bushes, nothing chirped in the skies above, Everything was sleeping.
The road looked like a black river stretched endlessly out in front of us.
I pressed my forehead against the cold, hard glass of the window. My feet were shoved into the space in front of me. The small car was overflowing with all of our junk. There was no room to move barely any room to breathe.
An ocean, inside of this cramped space.
My eyes closed falling into the pressure of the hypnotizing hum of the motor and the dark sky. And to be awakened by my own scream.
Underneath my eyelids played a movie. I was just sitting there, just like any other of my nightmares. No one could hear men no one was ever in my dreams.
Just me.
No one would come looking for me, no one wanted me. I was just trash, waiting to be picked up and relocated to an waiting dump.
Just me.
In the blank space of what was my house, I always sat waiting on my mother to come home. But I had these dreams frequently enough to know that she would never come home.
Just me.
And that is when the screaming started.

This is just the begining of a ghost story. So I thought that I would just ease into it, instead of just jumping into ghosts.

Hey Alyssh =]

Welcome to YWS!

I'm Dudette and I'm going to try and review this for ya'

Just a quick note before I begin though. We have a 2:1 ratio here at YWS - you should review two pieces of work before you post a piece of your own. I'd also suggest posting in the welcome forum - it's a great way to meet people and to get a review of the few simple rules on YWS.

With that said, let's get onto the review!

My eyes drooped with lack of sleep, I didn’t want to close them, I didn’t want to have another horrid nightmare. - Is it her eyes that droop or her eyelids? Also, I'd maybe re-phrase these sentences to something like; 'My eyelids drooped with lack of sleep, but I didn't want to close them. I didn't want to have another horrid nightmare.' Good job with pulling us into the story though - I instantly want to know what causes her nightmares =]

The trees swept as a dark green blur, the only light was from the moon and stars above staring down at everyone. - I'd change the comma to 'and' and I'd re-phrase the last part of the sentence to something like; '...the only light was from the moon and stars shining high above.'

Mother… or so I called her sat unmoving at the steering wheel. - Comma after 'her'

Everything now was unmoving, nothing stirred in the bushes, nothing chirped in the skies above, Everything was sleeping. - 'Everything now was unmoving. Nothing stirred in the bushes, nothing chirped in the skies above. Everything was sleeping.'

The road looked like a black river stretched endlessly out in front of us. - Nice imagery =]

My feet were shoved into - I'd replace 'shoved' with something like 'squashed' or 'crammed'

There was no room to move barely any room to breathe. - Comma after 'move'

An ocean, inside of this cramped space. - I don't get the ocean reference Do you mean that it was like 'An ocean of junk inside of this cramped space' ?

My eyes closed falling into the pressure - Comma after 'closed' and I'd maybe replace 'falling' with something like 'giving'

And to be awakened by my own scream. - You could maybe swap 'And' for 'Only'

I was just sitting there, just - I'd nix the second 'just'

could hear men no - I think 'men' should be 'me'

No one would come looking for me, no one wanted me. - I'd change the comma to a ;

would never come home. - I'd nix 'home'

And that is when the screaming started. - Creepy

Overall;

It was genuinely not that badly written. Your writing style is definitley a lot better than mine was at twelve!

So she dreams that her mother leaves her, yes? The only thing is that we don't know why she has these dreams. We don't even know why the MC and her Mum are in the car, surrounded by all of their stuff. We don't know that much about your MC, but then it is only chapter one.

PM me if you want me to review chapter two for you, or if you have any questions =]

I hope that this review has helped!

xDudettex

A ghost story? I'm really confused now, does she have dreams of ghosts? Or abondonment issues? I think you need to specify a bit more