IM waiting... {Part One}

(Please bear with me. Yes, I know it's long... It's the entire book. Print it out if you must. Please please PLEASE review it for me. And no stealing. D; And yeah, it COULD be PG-13. It's borderline.)
(P.S. : The 's are smilies. So. D;)
(P.P.S.S. : Please, no grammatical reviews. This is a chat session between two or three people. It's called illiteracy, or chat speak, which neither Taylor OR Kaitlyn have down 100%)

June 1, 2oo8
3:47 pm

Tayyluh: I can’t believe were finally going into highschool after this summer

Baitlyn: yeah I kno

Tayyluh: ‘n ur my valee!

Baitlyn: yeaah! Can u believe that? I beat Mary, Sunny, and Ashley. That’s just like wow.

Tayyluh: totally like wow. did u ask the manstronater y u got it?

Baitlyn: yep and u kno what he said? he said something about class, poise, and attitude. big time booooguussss!!!

Tayyluh: yup, mucho bogus. so guess what?

Baitlyn: what?

Tayyluh: i heard ur tassel’s a different color than everyone else’s. ^^

Baitlyn: tassel?

Tayyluh: ya, u know? the fringie thing on that square hat?

Baitlyn: yea, yea, i know. but it’s a dif color? wassup w/ that?

Tayyluh: idk, but ur lucky. ive gotta wear a piss colored 1.

Baitlyn: ha! got any gossip on my color?

Tayyluh: yup! i hear its gonna b royal blue!

Baitlyn: ugh, blue? to match the rest of my smugly ‘form?

Tayyluh: u not OK w/ the form?

Baitlyn: noo, its ugglyy!!

Tayyluh: psshh, it’s traditional. so u wanna hear ur horoscope, u Gemini u?

Baitlyn: psh, y not.

Tayyluh: here it is, rite out of BOP:

‘ur jonas bro is really happy today and so r u! be lookin for luv, cuz u’ll c it in an unexpected spot! plus, ur money gage will go higher. the only down side is friendship. watch out, cap’n! rocky times ahead’ psh, wat does popstar know!

Baitlyn: i thought u said this was BOP?

Tayyluh: uh…it is. kevy’s happy, so u should b too. so…*switches subject* 10 days till ur 14! Woo hoo, ya old bag!

Baitlyn: yay 4 me *dance*

Tayyluh: yep. u gettin any more privileges/responsibilities this year?

Baitlyn: nope, cause they were all given to me last year!!

Tayyluh: *watches Herbie: Fully Loaded*

Baitlyn: o rly?

Tayyluh: uh yes. omj, steve..

Baitlyn: steve? i thought the dude’s name was max or Kevin or sumin?

Tayyluh: oh, no no no. i’m talking about that dude next door to me.

Baitlyn: o yea! wat is he doin?

Tayyluh: streaking the neighborhood. poor ms. robinson!

Baitlyn: w/ nothing on? at all?

Tayyluh: oh, a leaf. he thought he’d b at least ‘somewhat’ modest. 0_0

Baitlyn: *snicker snicker* he’s a weirdie. but i must go work on my speech.

Tayyluh: Okayy, bye u valeeeeeeeee!!!

June 2, 2oo8
6:58 am

Baitlyn: *dances around in a circle* I finished, I finished!

Tayyluh: ur valee speech, i presume?

Baitlyn: yes yes yes yes yes yes!

Tayyluh: sweet. wat does it start with?

Baitlyn: my fellow American students ^^

Tayyluh: lol! u thought u’d throw some humor in there, uh?

Baitlyn: yep. after all, he did say attitude!

Tayyluh: wanna go celebrate at denny’s?

Baitlyn: depends

Tayyluh: on…?

Baitlyn: r u paying?

Tayyluh: hehehehe. yes.

Baitlyn: then yes.

Tayyluh: have ur mom drop u off at 7:15. im leavin the house rite now


June 2, 2oo8
9:47 am
Tayyluh: i know u stopped at target, but u gotta b back.

Baitlyn: and i am.

Tayyluh: o. okay then ^^

Baitlyn: dood, i cannot believe mark works there! he looked to cute in his polo.

Tayyluh: lol, someones got a crush?

Baitlyn: uh yes.

Tayyluh: o. well, did u c that 1 customer chick, trying to impress him? she was like, waiter, waiter!

Baitlyn: lol! that chick! and as we were leaving, she asked me how we got his attention so well. i was like: we go to the same school! u would have thought her jaw would’ve been dislocated cause of how far it dropped! LOL!!

Tayyluh: lol, rly? i didn’t c that!

Baitlyn: lol, of course not. u were too busy trying to lick the syrup off ur arm!

Tayyluh: lol! hey, don’t blame me! it was sticky.

Baitlyn: yes, but now my dear sister-in-law is here for pedicures. c u later!

June 3, 2oo8
noon

Tayyluh: Kaitlyn? Kaitlyn?

Tayyluh: Y aren’t u here, Baitlyn?

AUTOMATIC RESPONSE FROM BAITLYN: this is her mother. she is in the hospital. please stop by.

Tayyluh: omg...the hospital?!

June 9, 2oo8
5:34 pm

Tayyluh: omg u need to now fully tell me y u were in there!

Baitlyn: okay, okay. so we got our toes done then went to her house. and then, we were driving home late on June 2nd, and a drunk driver hit my side of the car. and then my sister-in-law, Rebecca, called 911. i had broken my leg, a couple of ribs, and banged my head really hard and my brain swelled. i went into a coma before the ambulance even reached us. Rebecca was unharmed. It’s like…like i took it for her. anywho, i was in the hospital, in that coma for about 36 hours. mom and dad got a call and came, so did my brother and grandma. and then u came the next day. and then they sent me home. and i got to take Mr. fluffy-bottoms home, and all the flowers. thanks for Mr. fluffy-bottoms, tho. i needed a teddy bear to cuddle.

Tayyluh: wow... i… i… ur welcome for the bear.

Baitlyn: o come on taylor. don’t treat me any different, just because im in a wheelchair for a little while!

Tayyluh: omg ur in a wheelchair? u never told me this!

Baitlyn: with Mr. fluffy-bottoms. 

Tayyluh: ugh!

Baitlyn: ugh?? what for?

Tayyluh: ugh for many reasons. because i could have invited u over, or called u before u left so you’d stop for a second and it would delay time, or even…idk. i mean, wat r u gonna do 4 graduation?

Baitlyn: oh no! i totally forgot! *starts sniffing sympathetically*

Tayyluh: I know, i could wheel u up to the microphone, and wire it up so u can have it own in ur wheelchair. ^^ im so smart!

Baitlyn: wat would i do without u.

Tayyluh: *sigh* I know, I know. *pats self on back*

Hey there, you're fairly new so... Hi.
You can't post this here I'm afraid. You'll need to either post this in Advanced critiques or break it down into small parts and post them in seperate chapters or something.

Just be careful, here on young writers society many of us choose to avoid the really long ones, especially if they're not of exceptional calibre, not that this isn't... I'm kind of talking myself into a hole so I'll just stop now.

Just be aware that you need to condense this into smaller pieces if you want any reviews.

I'll happily come back and help if you make it smaller.

~Kirsten

Your promised review:

I've never reviewed anything like this before, so we'll see how it goes.

xxcarly wrote:Tayyluh: psshh, it’s traditional. so u wanna hear ur horoscope, u Gemini u?

this is a really fast and slightly random transition.

xxcarly wrote:Tayyluh: uh…it is. kevy’s happy, so u should b too. so…*switches subject* 10 days till ur 14! Woo hoo, ya old bag!

kevy? is that referring to a kevin or something else entirely?

xxcarly wrote:Tayyluh: *watches Herbie: Fully Loaded*

Baitlyn: o rly?

Tayyluh: uh yes. omj, steve..

what? didn't quite follow this.

xxcarly wrote:Baitlyn: *dances around in a circle* I finished, I finished!

Tayyluh: ur valee speech, i presume?

Okay, i just now understood that 'valee' is valedictorian right? there are valedictorian's in middle school?

xxcarly wrote:Tayyluh: i know u stopped at target, but u gotta b back.

Baitlyn: and i am.

This doesn't make sense to me either. I don't really follow what's going on.

xxcarly wrote: Baitlyn: okay, okay. so we got our toes done then went to her house. and then, we were driving home late on June 2nd, and a drunk driver hit my side of the car. and then my sister-in-law, Rebecca, called 911. i had broken my leg, a couple of ribs, and banged my head really hard and my brain swelled. i went into a coma before the ambulance even reached us. Rebecca was unharmed. It’s like…like i took it for her. anywho, i was in the hospital, in that coma for about 36 hours. mom and dad got a call and came, so did my brother and grandma. and then u came the next day. and then they sent me home. and i got to take Mr. fluffy-bottoms home, and all the flowers. thanks for Mr. fluffy-bottoms, tho. i needed a teddy bear to cuddle.

This is really unrealistic.
1. If your brain swelled you would need surgery, probably part of your skull would have to be removed so your brain had room to move. You would be in the hospital for a long time.
2. I don't think you would go into a coma. Maybe knocked unconscious. You don't just slip in and out of comas within hours unless the doctors put you in a medically induced one.
3. The leg and the ribs would work though.


Overall it had the impression of being very ADD and all over the place. There isn't a main plot happening here. Give each of them a good solid problem to try to work through. Maybe you could start sooner and have 'Baitlyn' stressing out about whether or not she'll get the valedictorian position.
This is a hard style to write from. It's hard for the readers to get to know the characters.
My advice would be to try to write from either third or first person and have sections of IM speak. That way you can expand things like the hospital stay a little further.
If you really want to try to write the whole thing in IM speak, that's fine too. I don't know if you've read Ttyl by Lauren Myracle (I think) but it's written like this and you could get some ideas from it, not copy, just inspiration

Don't get discouraged, this does have potential

Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions or need anything!

-Carly

Hey! I guess I'll be reviewing this..and I'm going to be kinda picky at places....

xxcarly wrote:Tayyluh: totally like wow. did u ask the manstronater y u got it?

I was confused who the 'manstronator' ...call me ignorant..but what is it?

Tayyluh: here it is, rite out of BOP:

‘ur jonas bro is really happy today and so r u! be lookin for luv, cuz u’ll c it in an unexpected spot! plus, ur money gage will go higher. the only down side is friendship. watch out, cap’n! rocky times ahead’ psh, wat does popstar know!

Baitlyn: i thought u said this was BOP?

I take it BOP is a horoscope place. It just confused me because Baitlyn doesn't think that its BOP, and so it was kind of confusing. (Sorry, this may just be me being ignorant).

Tayyluh: uh yes. omj, steve..

I feel superiorly ignorant. Is it suposed to be 'omg' or is it a text speak phrase I don't know. Which wouldn't be surprising. If it is supposed to be omg then I recommend you change it, but if its just a phrase I don't know, then I'm sorry.

Tayyluh: streaking the neighborhood. poor ms. robinson!

Baitlyn: w/ nothing on? at all?

Tayyluh: oh, a leaf. he thought he’d b at least ‘somewhat’ modest. 0_0

I found this part amusing. : )

Baitlyn: lol! that chick! and as we were leaving, she asked me how we got his attention so well. i was like: we go to the same school! u would have thought her jaw would’ve been dislocated cause of how far it dropped! LOL!!

Tayyluh: lol, rly? i didn’t c that!

Baitlyn: lol, of course not. u were too busy trying to lick the syrup off ur arm!

Tayyluh: lol! hey, don’t blame me! it was sticky.

The good and the bad: (the bad first): I bolded all the Lol's that you repeated. I know that a lot of people use lol a lot (even when it doesn't make sense) but here it seems repetative. I know this probably wasn't something you wanted me to point out, so change it if you want, or leave it.
The good: I like that her friend is teasing her for the syrup thing. 1) because that's something people sometimes do when they have syrup on their arms and 2) that's what friends do, so I get to see them act like friends and tease each other.

June 3, 2oo8
noon

Alright. pet peeve for me. On all the other entry logs it would say a specific time like 6:58 or 9:32, but this one simply says 'noon'. I think it would be a lot better if it said something like '12:27' or something. (Or any time really). It just stood out and it bothered me a lot because the others were precise.

Baitlyn: okay, okay. so we got our toes done then went to her house. and then, we were driving home late on June 2nd, and a drunk driver hit my side of the car. and then my sister-in-law, Rebecca, called 911. i had broken my leg, a couple of ribs, and banged my head really hard and my brain swelled. i went into a coma before the ambulance even reached us. Rebecca was unharmed. It’s like…like i took it for her. anywho, i was in the hospital, in that coma for about 36 hours. mom and dad got a call and came, so did my brother and grandma. and then u came the next day. and then they sent me home. and i got to take Mr. fluffy-bottoms home, and all the flowers. thanks for Mr. fluffy-bottoms, tho. i needed a teddy bear to cuddle.

Wow...that was fast. It was also a bit unrealistic. I do know that it possible to get into a coma from a car crash, but its not likely that someone would get out of it that fast if it was from a car crash. I think she would probably be watched after she healed, maybe for a day or two...just to make sure she's okay. The ribs and stuff seem realistic, but I think rebecca may at least have one injury. It seems odd that Kaitlyn would get it all (though rebecca could have gotten less). Did someone tell her all the things about when who visited? Things seemed specific for someone who was in a coma.
Also:
Things are told fast. I don't know how much her friend is stressing. Maybe you could show this through another IM with a different friend?

Overall

Overall, I liked it. I want to read more, but I don't exactly care that much for the characters. Things happened fast, and it was sort of like 'Oh. She's in the hospital. Okay...' and not "Oh my gosh!!! Is she going to be alright? What will she do about graduation? Is she alright? OH MY GOSH!!!"
Do you see what I mean? I'm pretty sure this is a hard way to write because its hard to get character's personalities show through. It's also something that that made me want to read it. maybe you could edit it a little so there were some parts that aren't in the IMing so that we can get a better look at the characters? Things were a little..everywhere. But I'm sure that can be fixed..
I hope that you didn't find my critique offensive..I do like it, but there is a few things that could be fixed.
Don't give up (especially when you've already finished the actuall writing part)
~MidnightVampire

hey gurrl

ok enough sweet talk.
Of course I love the humor in your writing, but when your writing "IM" stories, just think of it as like a real story line, or something we would chat about. So i do kinda agree with tnme22.
but other than that it made me laugh, especially the names xD ???
haha

--Olivia

I loved it. =] It's really sad that she got hit by another car, but a coma is kinda......drastic. I know that's what everyone else said, but I'm just putting my input in.

Ok, so I'm going to go read the other chapters.

*PEACEE*

_Writing for love is a passion_

Hello!

XYZinnia, here to review! I will try to steer clear of what others have said, but I may repeat them.

Here we go!

Tayyluh: I can’t believe were finally going into highschool after this summer

I don’t think this is a very good beginning. Wouldn't they at least say “hello” to each other?

Tayyluh: ‘n ur my valee!

What is a “valee”? The reader might get confused.

Baitlyn: yeaah! Can u believe that? I beat Mary, Sunny, and Ashley. That’s just like wow.

If she is talking in chat speak, I highly doubt that she would capitalize their names.

Tayyluh: totally like wow. did u ask the manstronater y u got it?

Ok, so, I looked up “manstronater”, and there was no such thing. What did you mean? I doubt the girl would type “manstronater” out.

Tayyluh: psshh, it’s traditional. so u wanna hear ur horoscope, u Gemini u?

I agree with tnme, this was random. But, chat is strange, so I would just put “u wanna hear ur horoscope …” on a different line.

Tayyluh: here it is, rite out of BOP:
‘ur jonas bro is really happy today and so r u! be lookin for luv, cuz u’ll c it in an unexpected spot! plus, ur money gage will go higher. the only down side is friendship. watch out, cap’n! rocky times ahead’ psh, wat does popstar know!

Ok, first of all, if "Tayyluh" didn't want to put that "friend" stuff, she wouldn't. She didn't have to give that answer. Also, I think she would put "psh, what does popstar kno?" on a new line.

Tayyluh: uh…it is. kevy’s happy, so u should b too. so…*switches subject* 10 days till ur 14! Woo hoo, ya old bag!

I think you need to change her age. I don’t know of many 13 year olds that are going to high school. Oh, and no one says “switches subject”. It gives them away.

Tayyluh: *watches Herbie: Fully Loaded*

Would she capitalize all that?

Baitlyn: steve? i thought the dude’s name was max or Kevin or sumin?

I don’t think “Kevin” should be capitalized, either.

Tayyluh: oh, a leaf. he thought he’d b at least ‘somewhat’ modest. 0_0

So how does one go about making a leaf stick to themselves?

Baitlyn: *dances around in a circle* I finished, I finished!

How does “Tayyluh” know to get on? Wouln’t “Baitlyn” say “I’m back!”?

Tayyluh: ur valee speech, i presume?

Wouldn’t she ask this when Baitlyn first brought up the speech?

Baitlyn: dood, i cannot believe mark works there! he looked to cute in his polo.

People just type “dude”. ^_^

AUTOMATIC RESPONSE FROM BAITLYN: this is her mother. she is in the hospital. please stop by.

Why didn’t Tayyluh get that meesage first thing? Oh, and I don’t think a mom would post that. First of all, she would capilazle everything. She would say something like “Dear Friends, This is Baitlyns mother. I regret to inform you…” Also, I don’t think she wouldn’t say “stop by”. How did she get the password anyway?

Tayyluh: omg...the hospital?!

Why would she post this?

and banged my head really hard and my brain swelled.

Brains swell?

Baitlyn: o come on taylor. don’t treat me any different, just because im in a wheelchair for a little while!

Why is she in a wheelchair? How can she move at all? Wouldn’t she stay in the hospital?

Baitlyn: with Mr. fluffy-bottoms. ?

Do you want the period or the question mark? Maybe it should have a “…” in front.

Tayyluh: I know, i could wheel u up to the microphone, and wire it up so u can have it own in ur wheelchair. ^^ im so smart!

I didn’t follow this.

So, that’s it. Just a bunch of nit-picks. See ya around!
-Y

Hi,

I liked the originality in the writing style, msn who'd have thought it. The whole instant messaging thing is cool but I wouldn't want to read a whole book of it, I mean its like reading a play with even less detail, you can't get any sense of the characters, it took me long enough to work out there gender, talk about appearance, personality. I suppose you could say think like 'you blonde haired freak' to give it away. Also the coma, it needs to be a little more technical, research the medical symptoms a little and actually add a little, when my friend got appendicitis and told me about it on msn she then said that she kept saying that she had a drip in her over and over again. Basically just add a little bit of description.

Apart from that, those are my only problems, it was a really fun read. Keep writing it! If you ever need any help pm me.


Miriam