[deleted]

Removed by author.

Hey =]

I thought I'd review this for ya'

that laid, empty - I think 'laid' should be 'lay'

"Why?" I questioned my brother, as if he were in front of me. "Why did you do this?" - I'd add in some emotion here. We don't really know how she's feeling. I'm pretty sure that she would be distraught, angry, scared for her child. Adding in how she's feeling will help give her depth as a character.

"Yes?" I asked upon finding him. - Where did she find him? In the lounge, slouched on the sofa?

My uncle had told me this too many times to count. - Try, 'My uncle had told me this countless times before.'

A large knock - I didn't know that knocks came in different sizes Maybe you could change, 'large' to loud or urgent or...something

he cried again. - The 'h' should be capitalized.

my mother screeched - 'My'

asked him once we left the house. - I'd add 'had' before 'left'

Overall;

I think you have an interesting concept for a story here I really want to find out if her Mum really was sick. I would suggest adding in more emotion o your characters and more description on the surroundings. We know that she was taken from her bedroom, but we have no idea what the room looks like. What time of day was it? Were the walls pink? Where was her Mum sitting when she was singing the lullaby? Little details help to make the story more vivid and realistic

As for doing a POV for each chapter, it's totally up to you. If you do though, you'll definitely have to fill out the sections a bit more.

I'll definitely be reading the next part...if you choose to continue that is. Can you PM me if you do, please?

I hope this was of some help to you!

xDudettex

Yay! First request!!
I Nitpicks

Heat blazed down onto the black asphalt that laid, empty and barren, in front of me.

I would prefer on instead of onto...And, as Dudette said, I think it is lay not laid...No comma after lay/laid by the way...

I ran throughout the large, messy house, searching for him.

For me, at least, through sounds better than throughout.

"I don't give a damn what age you are! I said: we're out of beer!"

I don't like that there is a colon in dialogue. For some reason, it doesn't seem to fit.

If I got beat again, I'd have to miss school.

Got beat? I dunno if this is characterization, but was beaten sounds a lot better to me...

"Hush, little Aiden. Don't say a word. Momma's gonna buy you a mockingbird," my mother cooed to me, stroking my hair.

Aww, that's just too cute!

"Molly! Let me in, damn it!" he cried again. Fumbling. I heard fumbling outside my door. Jingling; the jingling of keys. My uncle hastily unlocked the door and stumbled in. "You can't keep her!"

The two fumblings sound a little repetitive...However, it works pretty well for the jinglings...

"Yes, I can! She's my baby; leave her be!" my mother told him, clutching on to me protectively.

Onto is one word not two...

II Concepts

Imagery - I'd like to see a little more of this in the beginning of Aiden's point of view. For instance, when you are talking about her bruises, you simply told us that she was beaten three times that month and that she had a bruise. I would like to know more, maybe you could describe how it looks, and how she felt after getting it. I would elaborate and maybe even add a flashback of another one of her uncle's unreasonable requests, and the punishment she faced...

Characterization - Wow, music. This was simply amazing. I loved the way you made us get into Aiden's brain and showed us how she felt about her mother. The mother's helplessness, and the uncle's evil was just amazing. However, in later chapters I would make the uncle's character a little nicer, just so that we can sympathize with him a little more, instead of thoroughly detesting him.

Descriptions - Again, as Dudette said, this is a little bit lacking. Although you tell us exactly what's going on, I would like to know how everything looks and feels. For instance, you say that Aiden's only memory of her mom is lying in her arms. Describe how she feels, maybe say how there was a safety there that she never felt again...Haha, that was a bad example, but y'know...

Plot - This is a really good idea...With a little editing, you could make this into a great story. I think that you should add more detail in this chapter. My suggestion would be to make the mother's POV into the prologue and start the chapter with Aiden. I'm sure if you add enough detail, they will both be perfectly sizeable.

Overall - Nice job on this! The theme was unique and I could relate to the characters extremely well. The POV changes occured well, however I would still suggest breaking them up into two different chapters...It's a very addicting story and I can't wait to hear what happens next! PM me if you post any more parts to this! Gold star for you!

Hope this review helped...

fluteluvr77<3

I actually really like this. It is an interesting story idea, and apart from the minor grammatical errors (I won't go into detail, almost all were given my the others) you had me hooked. This is something I would be willing to buy. Fix it up a bit and yu've got a winner!

~Tiger

I really liked this! it's very interesting and made me want to keep reading.
i was very sad when it was over. I think mostly everyone covered the
grammatical errors and i didn't really see any others. I'll definitely be
looking for more if you decide to continue, which i hope you will!
will you PM me if you add anymore please? Keep writing!

~Justy

p.s.- thanks for all the critiques, they've helped a lot!

I shall try my very best to rip this to shreds! I'll also try not to repeat what others have said.

"Aiden?" I called, fear straining my voice.

Nothing.

"What has he done?" I whispered to myself. "What has he done with my baby girl?"

[...]

"Molly! Let me in, damn it!" he cried again. Fumbling. I heard fumbling outside my door. Jingling; the jingling of keys. My uncle hastily unlocked the door and stumbled in. "You can't keep her!"

"Yes, I can! She's my baby; leave her be!" my mother told him, clutching on to me protectively.

Uncle Dan snatched me out of her arms. "Come here, girl. You're comin' with me." His scratchy voice rang throughout my terrified mind.

Don't worry! I'll quote things between these two segments.

The reason I'm quoting them together like this is because they contradict each other. The mother's viewpoint tell us, very clearly, that she doesn't know what happened to her daughter, while the memory that Aiden has tells us, just as clearly, that she was kidnapped.

Heat blazed down onto the black asphalt that laid, empty and barren

I would get rid of this comma.

"Yes?" I asked upon finding him.

Where did she find him? If you were to put the tag like so: I found him doing _________ in the ______, it would give us more characterization on the uncle and give us a better idea of what her situation is.

"Well, Uncle Dan, you know I can't go buy it for you. I'm only fourteen."

Aiden is a bit scared of her uncle, correct? This dialogue does not sound like it comes from somebody who is afraid of a beating. It sounds like somebody just stating a fact.

Since we don't know her personality yet, and this dialogue is tag-less, we don't know why she would be so strait forward in telling her uncle she can't get him any beer.

I have but one memory of her, for I was very young:

I would add "when he took me away" at the end of this line to make it clearer. ^_^

She returned to singing the lullaby to me, ignoring Uncle Dan.

Why would she ignore him? That doesn't make much sense to me. If she has any idea of her brother's nature, wouldn't she know that he was coming to do something bad?

I think her starting to act afraid, even hiding Aiden away, would make this more realistic. Unless you were to put the answer to why Molly didn't take any action in her bit. ^_^

I heard fumbling outside my door.

I would add "had" after "I" to make it clearer she's adding this thought to the memory.

My uncle hastily unlocked the door and stumbled in. "You can't keep her!"

How small is their apartment/house? If he was pounding on the front door (which I thought he was), how could he stumble right into Aiden's bedroom? If he's not pounding on the front door, why would Aiden's bedroom have locks? Let me note that the last question, about the bedroom door and locks, is not something you can answer in a flash-back like this. It is simply a question to ask yourself so your story is more real.

"Oh. Is Mommy going to live?"

"No," he answered bluntly. We said nothing more for many hours.

~ Did they get in a car? Walk? Tell us how he kidnapped her.

~ I don't think a scared three year old would say that. I would scream, kick and do whatever it took to get back to my mommy.

~

Emotion: I don't find your emotions quite add up here. Take the beginning. I told you in my nit-pick that she doesn't sound scared. If she's shuddering about a beating, shouldn't she sound a bit scared, if not very scared? Also, when she gets kidnapped, she talks normally and accepts everything her uncle tells her. How well does she know him to be able to do that? Did she just go into shock and was able to take everything? Since we don't know her character that well, we can't draw those conclusions. Put some more visible emotion in the dialogue so this makes more sense. ^_^

Realism: This whole situation feels rather unreal to me. Part of it is due to a lack of emotion, but one huge thing is the lack of police. Molly could have called the cops for kidnapping. Aiden can call the cops for child abuse. If Molly has called in for kidnapping, why hasn't Aiden moved with her uncle while he tries to ditch the police? Add the element of cops in here, and reasons why the cops haven't been called/why Aiden's uncle is on the FBI Most Wanted list (Kidnappers get put on that list, you know), to make this real.

What I liked: Your description of the road was nice. I liked the mention of the heat and how barren it was. You could stand to add in some more emphasis on that, just so we really feel like it's a long, empty road.

I also liked the dialogue Molly had. I could just see how helpless she was, although the fact she never caught up made me think Uncle Dan had knocked her to the ground. Did he?

Overall: This was a bit too sketchy for me to fully enjoy it. The description was sparse (Like when you say Aiden found her uncle, you could have said where and what he was doing, along with what she had to dodge in that messy house) and I found your MC was too placid about her whole situation without enough reason (has any annoyance, fear and/or anger been beating out of her? If so, say that). You do, however, have a good base when it comes to plot: How the mother gets back to her daughter.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Locked, at author's request.