God's Tears

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Here's something I wrote while I was bored one day. Lemme know what you think. **Updated: 11/10/09**

I was sitting on the windowsill, watching the rain fall outside. To me, it seemed like God himself was crying. Mom was due home from the hospital soon with my new, baby brother. This wasn’t a meeting I was looking forward to. For three years, I was the center of my parent’s attention – now, it seemed like they’ve all but forgotten me. Mom was always lying down up in her room and Dad was always fussing over mom and the new baby.

As I looked out into the darkness, I saw two headlights appear. They were home. I hopped off the windowsill and went to open the door for Mom. Maybe then she’d pay more attention to me. When Dad helped her from the car and they both ran towards the house, Mom carrying a bundle of blankets that I assumed was my brother.

They said a quick thanks to me and went into the living room. They both sat on the couch and looked over the little bundle. The neighbor that was babysitting my left quietly, letting my parents fawn over their new baby. Dad was grinning stupidly, as if nothing else mattered. I instantly hated the baby for that – Dad had never looked at me that way.

I was standing in the door way watching when Dad looked up and spotted me. “Joseph, come over here and say hi to you little brother,” Dad instructed.

Grudgingly, I walked over to them and sat next to Dad on the couch. He passed the little bundle over to me and made sure I wouldn’t drop him. When I looked down, my heart melted and I could feel the hatred wash away. Look up from the blanket was the cutest little boy I had ever seen. He had giant blue eyes that looked up at me, pleading me to love him.

I smiled at him and the little guy smiled back. He wriggled his arm free from the blankets and reached out for me. When I grasped his tiny hand, I knew then that I would do anything to protect this little bundle of joy.

“Hi, Jonathan, I’m Joseph, your big brother,” I told him.
Last edited by RGallagher on Tue Nov 10, 2009 1:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Iosville.

As stories go, this was really, really short and -- I have to say it, though it pains me none -- rather pointless. No point, dull, no rub, crux nor thumbnnail.

And stories do kind of have to have a point, like, essentially. I'm thinking this would work better if it was in answer to a weird word prompt, or as fanfiction, or something else, as it doesn't stand up on its own very well.

It was written well, and the only thing I'd change would be David's reaction to the baby. Maybe make it more grudging, but definitely less "omigawshsocuteicklebaby". It seems rather girly, sa?
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




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I disagree with Wooster.

That was a great story, and reminds me of my two little brothers.

I enjoyed reading this, thanks.




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NITPICK!
Look up from the blanket was the cutest little boy I had ever seen.

Perhaps 'looking'?
new, baby brother

Why do we have a comma here?

I'm on the fence. I thought this was very cute, as I have a little sister and it's exactly the same with us [I mean, exactly... we're five years apart and everything], but it was short, kind of boring, and a tiny bit pointless.
Also, I have questions.

You talk about headlights showing up and 'they were home'. OMIGOSH. Do you mean to tell me they left their five year old son home alone?

0.o

Also, you make it sound as if you're trying to get their attention because you're no longer the center of it. Sweetie, if you baby brother is just coming home from the hospital, you wouldn't know that you're not the center of attention yet. You find that out when you're at home and you want to do a puzzle with someone but everyone's busy babying the... well... baby. xP

I know you said you were bored when you wrote it, but it's just... well... empty. Prologue to something?

Nicely written, though. =}
formerly ZlyWilk

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I thought the title was misleading. It was a great title, by the way, so congrats on that. But when I clicked on it, I expected something more...... melancholic. Oh well.


As I looked out into the darkness, I saw two headlights appear. They were home. I hopped off the windowsill and went to open the door for Mom. Maybe then she’d pay more attention to me. When Dad helped her from the car and they both ran towards the house, Mom carrying a bundle of blankets that I assumed was my brother.



Usually people who are carrying babies don't run. So you might want to change that.

Once again, great title.
When people don't express themselves, they die one piece at a time.



And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.
— Bartimaeus of Uruk