Tales of a Kingdom

Alright, I finally managed to get this edited. I think I did so well, but I'd like to know how I could make this longer. It seems... short to me.

Hiya Penguin! Sorry for the long wait!

Since this is no longer the war, you shall get one of my normal, nit-picky reviews.

The stories now filled their minds as they all hunkered down in their shacks,

It is unclear whom "their" is talking about, since you mentioned the refugees and the raiders in the line before.

seeking to harvest what they could from their orchards, their livelihoods.

"Their livelihoods" seems a bit redundant here, since it's rather clear that their orchards are their livelihoods.

guarded the border-straggling town gave

I don't think "straggling" is the right word. I looked it up, and it means "spread out." I don't think "straddling" is the right word, either, since if this town is straddling the boarder, then people are left wondering why it hasn't been attacked before.

"I had always hoped that it wouldn't end like this," he sighed, bitterly.

The comma between "sighed" and "bitterly" doesn't harm the sentence, but it doesn't do it any good, either. I'd nix it.

His father was forced to sign him up at the Military academy, and he always hated it. He had rejoiced when he learned he would be stationed at the sleepy hamlet, but as the border raids escalated, he realized that his profession's consequences would eventually catch up to him.

It can be a but unclear as to whom "he" is in this sentence. The bolded "he" seems to be the culprit. Replace it with a proper name to make things clearer. ^_^

treasoner, liked your damned father!,"

~ Delete the comma after the exclamation mark.

~ "Liked" or "like"?

All he received in reply was glares from all in the room. He chuckled to himself, muttered something about the sad state of the kingdom, and left.

It's hard to place the source of this "he" in both these sentences. (I just realized that the "he" in the first sentence is probably referring to the thick-headed solder, while the second he is probably referring to Galius)

No matter the seeming eternity of this living hell for its inhabitants, however, it not last even even for half an hour.

I find this would be stronger if "it" was replaced with "the raid" or "the attack"; something less vague.

he achingly managed to lift his back to look around.

This description confuses me. I think it would be better if "his back" was replaced with "himself."

He nearly puked when he saw a decapitated head on the road.

I don't find "puked" fits with the tone of the work. I'd replace it with "threw up" or "was sick" so that the more poetic tone is continued.

"A horse...", he muttered to himself,

I don't think he'd be able to talk after that attack.

With great effort, he got to his feet and hobbled off the dirt path and into a small meadow that led to the orchards.

I don't think he'd be able to walk with numb legs. Not before the horse and rider got to him.

He lay on his stomach, happy for the coolness of the sodden soil, and waited.

Why wouldn't he wait where he'd lain? If he can't go any farther, explain that. Also mention if he's waiting with dread, acceptance (of death), or weariness.

The click-clack, click-clack of the hoofs became more audible, and finally a horse and rider emerged.

~ I'd replace "click-clack" (both of them) with "sound," since readers can usually imagine the sound a hoof makes.

~ "Hoofs" should be "hooves"

~ The ending concept is much better. It leaves the reader hanging just enough so we want to find out what happened. ^_^

*

Pronouns: A lot of locations here I found the use of pronouns confusing. I rule of thumb I use is: If you haven't mentioned what the pronoun is referring to in the line before, use the proper name.

There is another rule of thumb I use, when I'm talking about one thing a lot: Put the proper name in at least once every paragraph.

Expansion: The main part here I find could use expansion, emotion-wise, is the end. Have Galius show some remorse as to what happened, or at least explain that he's completely and totally numb and can't feel that remorse. What would be a nice little mention is that thick-headed solder dead and bleeding somewhere, and perhaps a thought on how at least he died for his country, something like that.

Something else on the ending that could be expanded is why Galius didn't just wait for his death. Why did he run when he knew it was inevitable?

You could also expand the beginning slightly. A bit more on the refugees from the already raided villages (stuff like if they went to the safety of deeper-in the country or stayed behind), if the lord had called for reinforcements, and perhaps some more on the arguably insane villagers and what the guards tried to do to stop them.

Realism: Two locations here: The end and the mention of the Lord.

The end I find somewhat unreal because of what Galius does. Because we don't get much emotion at the end, from him, we don't understand why he leaves the battle-ground or what he feels about what he sees. There is also him being able to move like he does. In short- More emotion, figure out his injuries more so you'll know what he can and can't do.

Throughout this whole work, I did not see the mention of a Lord or any reinforcements coming. From what I know about history, there would have been somebody of rather high rank nearby to go to for help, or a messenger would have been sent out for reinforcements. I'm wondering why those aren't in here.

Overall: Better then the last edit, but still some work to do. Hope this helps! (Side note- If you edit this again, it would probably be a good idea to post this in a new thread. Then, not only can we see the progression, but we could review it a little easier. I am no longer able to see the first post in the listings, and need to have a second tab open to review ^_^)

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Hello!

You have something really interesting here, your descriptions are immaculate, not to over the top I think, but almost poetic in a way.

I found only one mistake.

No matter the seeming eternity of this living hell for its inhabitants, however, it not last even even for half an hour.

There are two "even" side by side and you need "did" after "it".

Also if Galius is going to be your main character you need to address him from the start and get more into his head. He is a very flat character so far, other than the telling of his father's opions of the lord or whatever, maybe add his view of the "lord" or what he thought of his fathers convictions ect.
Add more of his emotions, especially near the end.

So far, I don't know Galius, but I would like to.

PM me when part two is up!

Thanks to the both of you!

I'll try and get in a revised version up sometime this week. As usual, I have basketball, and plus it is the week before finals.