Questions For Your Face

It took me 16 years to find your face
And now it seems that it’s misplaced
My scene came up and I forgot my lines
Someone filled in, you’re looks we’re right

I see you with him all the time
But I’m too blame for this crime
Seems that everyday I slowly die
Every second I live without you
Is… a… lie…

How could I leave?
You are all I’ll ever need
How can I see?
Without you there next to me

I’ve got questions for your face that I hide
All the time
Everyday
For the rest of my life

Unsent hopes to my mind
Couldn’t make it on time
Destroyed by low confidence
If only love was common sense

You’re face is burned in my eyes
But the words are melted with empty sighs
Bitterness and thoughts of hatred
Brought on by this monster
Delayed… It…

How could I conceive
Such unreal imaginings?
How can I reply
To all that you threw at me?

I’ve got questions for your face that I hide
All the time
Everyday
For the rest of my life

Welcome to YWS LeanderHastings!
Hmm...Leander Hastings...that sounds familiar to me.....
Is he a character in The Warrior Heir?
Anyway...Just to let you know, we like to keep a 2:1 ratio on reviews to stories on this site and usually I want people to do this before I review their work but because this is an extra special week I'm making an exception. Just pinky promise you'll make some reviews

Rhyming
Overall, the verses seem to have some kind of forced sounding rhyme going on. Face --> Misplaced, Time --> Crime, Need --> See --> Me, Confidence --> Sense, Eyes --> Sighs
Not saying that rhyming is bad or anything, (and not saying I'm the queen of rhymes ) but this just seems to be a little much
Try to think of some alternate ways to tell the story that don't involve as many rhymes. And if you have to rhyme, try to hide it in the verse a little more or spread it out. So instead in having an AABC line try doing an ABCA or ABAC (the possibilities are endless ).
Like in the first stanza you could say something like:
'It took me 16 years to find your face
It's been too long, and I've forgotten
My scene came up and I don't remember my lines
Someone filled in, and I remember your smile'
(Play around with it, I didn't put that much thought into that, I'm sure you can think of something better)

Rhythm
I think you did a really good job here. You paced it really well, there weren't any major spots that jumped out like 'this doesn't really flow anymore'.

Topic
It was a good topic and expressed pretty well. I think that when you go back and work through some of those rhymes you can maybe try to add some more emotion and feeling into the song. Right now it feels kind of two-dimensional, and I want to really be able to feel for the characters in the song and have really strong, real emotion.
My favorite lines were:
"I’ve got questions for your face that I hide
All the time
Everyday
For the rest of my life"
^^This was great, I love how you phrased it.
"You’re face is burned in my eyes
But the words are melted with empty sighs
Bitterness and thoughts of hatred
Brought on by this monster"
^^I love the emotion here, put more of this into the rest of the song.


-Carly

LeanderHastings wrote:It took me 16 years to find your face
And now it seems that it’s misplaced
My scene came up and I forgot my lines
Someone filled in, you’re looks we’re right I dont get the 'you're looks we're right

I see you with him all the time
But I’m too blame for this crime
Seems that everyday I slowly die
Every second I live without you
Is… a… lie… I can really hear this being sung!

How could I leave?
You are all I’ll ever need
How can I see?
Without you there next to me

I’ve got questions for your face that I hide
All the time
Everyday
For the rest of my life

Unsent hopes to my mind
Couldn’t make it on time
Destroyed by low confidence
If only love was common sense

You’re face is burned in my eyes
But the words are melted with empty sighs
Bitterness and thoughts of hatred
Brought on by this monster
Delayed… It… really good!

How could I conceive
Such unreal imaginings?
How can I reply
To all that you threw at me?

I’ve got questions for your face that I hide
All the time
Everyday
For the rest of my life

Some of the verses were a little dodgy but it has really good promise and I really quite liked it. I liked your rhyming technique and the way you constructed short verses and chorus but made the song lengthy all together.

i honestly didn't like it.
the first two lines were good, leading to a promising song.
but the whole song seemed flat


"But I’m too blame for this crime"
Too should be to. it only has one o

i liked this line-You’re face is burned in my eyes


You’re face is burned in my eyes
But the words are melted with empty sighs
Bitterness and thoughts of hatred
Brought on by this monster
Delayed… It…

that part made me forget it was a song. it seemed more like a poem

Maybe it is because I have been in the singers position (well, I guess you could say I am currently in the singers position) but, I really liked it. Just a few quick things:
- The beginning starts out like a poem would, but then it goes into a soliliquey (I think that is the correct term. Sorry, I am 13 and just learned that term in English. But, I mean that at first it seems much more like you are painting a picture, and then when you go into the rest of the song it seems as though it is just listening to the singer talk).
- "Unsent hopes to my mind/ Couldn't make it on time" I thought that line was slightly awkward. Maybe consider rephrasing that line.
Thanks for a great song!