Neverland

Okay I had to write this in class for an essay. i really don't know if it is any good because she never graded it. So please critique it for me.



There is a place that I only go to when I am sad; that I know will comfort me. It is full of dreams and wonders that the eyes have never seen, or the mind can comprehend. I can only just make out the colors of the waterfall, flowers, and skies. They glow and their color is as rich as gems, my eyes cannot even see the full color of them. The wind blows and brings back memories of my childhood and what I have no idea of what is to come. I lay in the grass and I let my mind wander and then darkness falls over me. I see a doe wandering around my head looking for something to eat; I gently move so as not to frighten it. Then I move out into the sunshine and walk down a path that is well worn.

This path I take every time I come here, it leads me to a place where I find exceeding joy, and happiness. Flowers bloom everywhere and there is a flowing brook to me left; I can see the fish swimming along with the current without a care in the world. The sky is a bright blue and the sun shines down through the leaves in the trees. The trees that line the path are tall and almost seem to move and bow when I walk by, while the birds that sit in them try to keep their perch. I smile and keep walking past the happiness and joy. The path ends and I have to struggle to find the next.

The next path I have taken once before, I took it when I first came here and have not dared venture back since. This path leads me to my failures and lost hopes and dreams that will never come true. The trees suddenly come to an end and only a few bare trees stand along the path, there is no sign of life anywhere else. This place is feared by all and none can survive with the sadness that resonates here. The dirt has turned to ash and the sky is black with only a red moon to see by. I take two more steps and find my self overcome with depression, guilt, and loneliness. I want to face my fears and failures, but that is to wait for another day.

I walk along another path while tears run down my face. I have never before walked this path, it is dark because of the trees that grow so close together that they let hardly any light through them. It is a mysterious light and it has a pull to it, I walk farther down the path and I find that I can faintly hear the sounds of a male voice singing. I come to a clearing and find a man that is surrounded by a flock of young girls. His voice is like a sweet lullaby and it pulls me toward him. I find myself trying to get closer to him and calling out to him, trying to get his attention. Though he pays me no notice, I still call out to him almost at a desperate state of mind. I have to get near him, I need to touch him. I find that I am being pushed away from him by the other girls crowding around him, jostling for a better position. Then suddenly, it is as if I am waking from a dream, I realize that his song is like that of the sirens of Greek mythology. I need to get away.

I leave the path and walk another for a time only to find myself back in the garden that I visit when I first come here. I smile a sad smile knowing that I will have to leave this place for the time being only able to enter again at the time of peace through out my entire being. This place is a place that some will never get the pleasure of visiting or even imagine. It is a place of wonder and it is a land that never existed.

Hey =]

I'm going to try and take a look at this for ya'

They glow and their color is as rich as gems, my eyes cannot even see the full color of them. -This may just be my personal opinion, but I think that these two sentences contradict each other. First of all you say that the colour is rich, and then you say that you can not make out the colour fully. To me, if a colour is rich, then it is strong and bold, so surely you would be able to make out what colour it is? Ignore me if you don't agree though.

and what I have no idea of what is to come. - I don't think that this sentence makes sense Maybe re-word it =]

I see a doe wandering around my head looking for something to eat; I gently move so as not to frighten it. - I get that this place is all in the MC's head, but I don't think this sentence works as it is. I'd maybe suggest removing, 'head' from the sentence as we already know that this whole place is in her mind. If that makes any sense at all lol

to me left; - 'me' should be 'my'

The next path I have taken once before, I took it when - I'd change the comma to a full stop.

back since. - I'd maybe add 'onto it' after 'back'

The trees suddenly come to an end and only a few bare trees stand along the path, - This sentence sort of contradicts its self too, as you say that there are no trees and then there are bare ones. I'd re-phrase it to something along the lines of; 'The trees begin to thin out until there are only a few bare trees dotted randomly along the path,'

with only a red moon to see by - This is only a suggestion, but maybe you could change 'see by' to something like, 'with only the light from a red moon to illuminate my surroundings.' - I just think something about how the red light shines on the path will help to set more of an eerie mood =]

but that is to wait for another day. - This reads a bit awkwardly.

because of the trees that grow so close together that they let hardly any light through them. - 'because the trees here grow so close together that they obscure the majority of the light.' - Just a suggestion =]

and it has a pull to it, I walk - I'd change the comma to a full stop.

Then suddenly, it is as if I am waking from a dream, I realize that his song is like that of the sirens of Greek mythology. - I'd change the second comma to 'and'

I leave the path and walk another for a time only to find - I'm not too sure, but I think you need a comma after 'time'

peace through out my entire - I think 'through out' should be one word.

or even imagine. - I think 'imagine' should be 'imagining'

It is a place of wonder and it is a land that never existed. - I love the last line =]

Overall;

I love the way that you described the MC's surroundings, but I think you could stand to add in a little more description on how she walks around, i.e;

I walk along another path while tears run down my face. - I'd add in a describing word after 'walk' to show how she is walking. Is she walking, slowly, or cautiously, or wearily? etc...

I love the idea that you have for this though, and I think it's a very nice one off piece.

I hope I've been on some help to you!

xDudettex

Hi!

First of all, great job on actually creating this place. I really got the impression that I'm there, felt this sense of peacefulness... amazing when someone achieves such things, really.

So, at first I will post some grammar/style corrections which are more suitable to my mind and then will proceed with some other general comments.

The wind blows and brings back memories of my childhood and what I have no idea of what is to come.

Too much of "what" here, which makes it rather difficult to understand what you meant.

It is a mysterious light and it has a pull to it, I walk farther down the path and I find that I can faintly hear the sounds of a male voice singing.

I would divide this one into 2 parts. Firstly, to strengthen the effect of those sudden male voice sounds. And also to separate 2 thoughts from one another, since in the beginning you tell about the light and then you continue describing yourself walking farther down the path, this being separated only by a comma.


Generally, the idea is superb, as I said, but what does this singing man represent? I mean, first you were on the path of happiness, then you went through a path of dreams that never came true and then this man... what did you want him to symbolize? I think that's the only aspect I did not quite perceive, but this essay really made me think over some things.

Would be great to have a Neverland just around the house. You'd be able to see things in your life clearly...

And sorry if this was not too constructive, it's only my 2nd review here.

Hi,

This is a good passage but Ithink that you might need to work on it a bit more.

There are really nice descriptions, but the different ideas are kind of jumbled together, hence making it hard to undestand the passage fully.

[quote][b]The next path I have taken once before, I took it when I first came here and have not dared venture back since. This sentence is composed of two independent clauses and you should mark them as such. And you also should ellaborate on the description that follows, the reader needs to know why, how, ect.

Get feedback from peers, family and teachers before doing final copy, this feedback will help you see where you went wrong and how you could improve your piece of writing. Never be afraid to ask for help, advise, feedback and critisisum, even if what comes out hurts, it will alow you to improvis on your writing.

Good luck in your up coming writing, hope you will have overatcheved.
Clara

Thanks for the comments. I will rework the things you talked about and make it much better.