Dream Walker

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If I did make it longer it would be right before "Fire"? what do you think? let me know.

Dream Walker

Prologue
There are some things I wish I never said, there are others I wish I would have. Things I wish I didn't do, words I wish had never left my mouth.
The police say it wasn't my fault. They say it was the lack of a stop sign. Some punk kids took it out with their car.
But I can't help thinking:
1.If the stop sign had been there
2.If I hadn't started yelling at my dad
3.If I didn't have hockey practice Saturday night...
My parents might still be alive.

The Accident

“Mom look I can take care of my self. I'll be eighteen in like a year. I'll be a legal adult and I can live where ever I want, so why can't I go live with Tommy and Garrett in Minneapolis this summer. I'll be there ready for college and everything.” I complained.
“I just think you should spend you're last summer with the family.” she sighed.
“I thought you were going to help me with the store this summer. I could really use the help.” Dad added
“I'll help you daddy! I'm a big boy now. I can even lift the really heavy stuff.” yawned Tyler from his car seat.
“Dad. Maybe I don't want to work in the store. Maybe I don't want to take over the family store. Maybe I want to do something with my life. Dad why cant you see I don't want to be anything like you. I want to live in a big city away from this dinky little town. It only has like six hundred people tops. I want to be somebody I don't want to be some guy that sells junk.” he shouted all his anger directed at the driver's seat.
“young man you remember this, that junk-selling store pays for you're hockey, your clothes, and your food. With out that store you would have nothing.” dad turned around and looked at me. He was crying. ”If you only knew how hard it was to raise three kids the way the economy is these days.”
“Frank watch out!!!” My mother screamed.
Tires screeched, And Tyler and Korie cried. Sounds from every angle assaulted my brain. Breaking glass, my mother's screams, and crunching metal.
These are the last thing I remember before I woke up in the hospital.


“Where's my mom? Where's Tyler? What happened?” I asked when the nurse came in.
The way she looked at me, I could tell something had happened.”I'm sorry to tell you this but I'm afraid your parents didn't make it.”
My eyes welled up, and I couldn't see. The hot salty tears ran down my face. I cried my self to sleep that first night in the hospital. The second night, I met her. I heard her out in the hall crying. I stood up, even though the nurse said to stay in bed because I might have some sort of brain damage. I walked out in to the hall, and there she was. Crying her eyes out. I sat down next to her and she looked up.”I'm sorry if I woke you.”
“I was already awake. Why are you crying? If you don't mind me asking.”
“No, not really. My mom... well she's been sick. She has cancer. Or rather had it. She died a few minuets ago. I have no family to live with and no one to take care of me. I'll be eighteen soon enough, but I don't know what I'm gonna do.” she dropped her chin to her chest and held her head in her hands.
Her back shook with every sob. I reached for her hand and took it in mine she leaned toward me and I held her in my arms.”My parents are gone too. I don't know if my little brother will live. He's not doing so well they tell me. My little sister is doing fine so far but you never know. I don't even know if I'll live.” And with those words my mind gave in to all the pain.
The gravity pulled me to the floor. I could hear her desperate cries for help. I could hear her screaming. Just as my mother had before she died. Before she had been taken away from me. Before my life changed for ever.

“Mom?” The girl from the hallway asked. ”Is that really you?”
“Of course it is sweetie, now lets go to the mall.” said a woman who looked a lot like her, only older.
“But, you had cancer. You, you,died in the hospital. And this guy died when he was telling me about his parents. It was awful he just died, one minuet he was telling me he might die, and then he did.
“Wait, am I dead?” I asked her.
“What the.. where did you come from?” she asked, as her dream faded in to darkness. Stars were sprinkled across the sky.
“Can you answer my question first? I don't mean to be self absorbed, but I think it's more important.” I looked at her waiting for the answer I knew would come. 'Yeah you're dead now go away I don't talk to dead guys.'
“Well you died but they- the nurses and doctors- brought you back...”she replied clearly freaked out that I was in her dream.
“So wait if I lived ,then what am I doing here?”
“If you would shut-up I could tell that you are currently in a coma!” she yelled. “And thanks for wrecking my dream. I was having a perfectly nice dream until you showed up!” she turned on her heals and ran off. As she left, the stars disappeared and the sky faded in to a deep blue gray. I was left alone... again.

“I could really use some pop now!” I shouted I to the gray sky. Suddenly the whole thing changed and I was at a little kid's birthday party. She was just blowing out the candles when she looked up.
“Hey! Who are you? Are you Frankie's big brother?” he questioned
“No I just wanted a pop. My name's Max. This is a really cool birthday party! I wish I had had a party like this when I was...” I looked at the candles (seven of them). ”seven. Wow! I thought you were eight or nine.”
“You really like my party! I was worried no one would come.” She smiled, big and toothless. “Do you like root beer? That's what were having, and chocolate cake.”
“Where are you having this party?” Her smile turned upside down.
“I'm going to have to have it at the hospital. Mom said I won't be better by my birthday. I told her she didn't know nothing.” She crossed her arms and shrugged.
“Be careful what you say to your mom. You never know what's going to happen. Say, when is your birthday?”
“It's in 4 months, August sixteenth, but I want it to be perfect with all my friends there. And lots of chocolate cake and root beer.”
“ So what if you're in the hospital. You could even invite the other kids in the hospital. I'm sure they're just as lonely as you. Why are you in the hospital?”
The walls of the house faded in to the walls of the hospital.
Room 368 Burn Unit Read the sign on the door. “I was in my house and it started on fire. The firemen couldn't find me.” I looked at the bed and she stared up at me half her face covered in red raw flesh. “I've been in here for three days. I can't wait to get out.”
“Acelynn, Acelynn time to wake up.” the nurse called from the world of consciousness.
“I've gotta go now. Will you come back tomorrow night?” she whispered
“Of course I will. Now you be good, and tell your mom you love her.”
“I will. Bye Max see you tonight.”
“See you soon Acelynn.” I waved as I was thrust backwards by some unknown force

Hockey


I remember the first time I saw a hockey game. It was with Brian Ghetz. We watched his older brother Randy. They lost, but that was when I fell in love with the glorious game of hockey. The way their blades cut up the ice, fascinated me.
That was the same year Brian's sister committed suicide. He found her lying on the bathroom floor. Her wrist sliced and blood spilling out of her self-inflicted wound and on to the white marble floor. I never heard any one scream like I heard Brian scream that morning(I slept over at his house). Until the night my mom and dad died.
The funeral was sad not one of her friends showed up. Perhaps this was because she had none. Maybe that was why she did what she did.
After that Brian was never the same. We drifted apart and he moved away that summer. I never had a better friend. Still don't have one. At least not the same as it was with Brian. We were like two twin brothers. Practically inseparable.

“You again! Can't you just leave me alone?” the girl from the hallway said in a very impatient tone. I had been in her dreams every night for a week now.
“If I left you alone I'd have nothing to do for fun. Besides you're the only connection to the world I have. Except for Acelynn, but she's only six.”
“Do you invade her dreams too?”
“Actually, yes I do, and I prefer to call it dream walking. Your dreams are always fun to take a stroll through.” I had to calm down, this girl was getting me all worked up over nothing.
“Well there you go. Go spend some quality time with Acelynn. Go bug her tonight. I can never get a good-night's sleep any more, not since you came and waltzed in to my dreams.” she huffed turning slightly red with anger.
“Well would you at least tell me your name. Then I can stop calling you 'the girl from the hall'. Acelynn likes to here stories about you. She says when she gets out of the hospital she'd like to meet you. Would you like to meet her now?”
“If I meet her will you let me sleep peacefully without you in my dreams for the next week?” she sighed.
“Yes. Now come on or I'll be late”
“Late? What could you possibly be late for?”
“It's almost 10:00 that's when Acelynn starts to dream. It's not an exact science but oh well I've got it timed pretty good. Hang on tight I don't want drop you in someone else's dream.” I smiled taking her hand. She squeezed it to let me know she was ready.

“Max! You're here, and you brought 'the girl from the hall!” Acelynn ran at me and I lifted her in to the air spinning her around.
'Wow you weren't kidding she really does know me as 'the girl from the hall'. I thought you were joking.” she smiled. ”Hi Acelynn, I'm Zacherine, but you can call me Zach.
“Do you like root beer? Cause I do!” Acelynn shrieked
“Yes I do.” Zach smiled at him.
“Come on, I've got chocolate cake too.” she dragged her in to his kitchen.

That was the start of our friendship, Zach, Acelynn and I.

After only two days we were like a family. After a week though our friendship was tinged with sadness.
'Max, you remember your family right?' asked Zach.
“Sure. There's my mom Cathy and my dad Steve, but they died in the car crash. I have a brother named Tyler and a sister named Korie. Why?” I questioned.
“Well there was an article in the news paper... it was about a car crash on eighteenth street. There were only two survivors.” .
“Well that couldn't be the car crash I was in there were three survivors. Me my brother and sister.”she started shaking her head. “I'm not dead am I?”
“No, it's your sister she had a concussion they didn't know. The doctor thought she was fine, but she never woke up. I'm so, so sorry.”She started to cry.
“What... what did it say about Tyler? And me, what did it say about me?”
“Tyler's in critical condition. And you're obviously still in a coma.”
“Where are they buried? My parents.” I asked.
“In Oak Meadows. The same place as my mom. I went to visit them. They're right next to her, and your sister is in between them, kinda like they're watching over her and still protecting her. I put some flowers on their graves for you. Half a dozen roses on your mom's, three lilies and three daffodils on Korie's, and a pot with a single sunflower in it for your dad.”
“What did you put on your mom's?”
“Forget-me-nots. They're her favorite. Well it's almost ten we should be getting to Acelynn soon' she reached out and took my hand.




Fire

“This time Acelynn wasn't having a dream about the perfect birthday party. She was having a nightmare about the day her house burnt down.
“I know it's just a dream and all but she shouldn't have to live through this twice. She shouldn't have had to live through it once.” Zach's eyes started to shine with tears, I don't think it was just from all the smoke.
“Stay here I'm going to get her.”
“Are you crazy that's a burning building!” she shouted at my back as I ran in to his house.
“Acelynn! Acelynn where are you!? Can you hear me. It's Max I'm here to help you. I can't see anything so you're going to have to talk to me.” I headed up the stairs to her room. The blue daisy wall paper was burnt and charred. “Acelynn!”
“I'm in the closet. The door's stuck. I can't touch the handle it's too hot. Cough! Cough! Max help I'm scared.”
I opened the closet door and felt the intense heat on my hand. I reminded myself it was only a dream. I picked up Acelynn who was now unconscious half way down the stairs I fell. In to the darkness...

And he opened his eyes to the world he had left behind and saw Tyler and Zach sleeping in the hospital chairs and smiled. I'm home he thought.

I walked over and saw her for the second time in real life. Not in the dream world I had lived,if you could call it living, in for the past 3 and one-half months. She wasn't smiling, in fact her face was twisted with pain. As though all she loved had been taken away from her. her pain caused him to do something he hadn't done since he was 16. he cared enough about some one enough to feel their discomfort. he opened his heart to her love, but he also opened it to her sadness and to her loneliness. He had liked other girls but this, this was stronger. This was what it was like to love someone. For the first time he truly knew what it was to love. He knew what was troubling her. Since he was no longer in a coma, she could no longer see him in her dreams. She must think i died he thought.
He reached toward her and heard a loud beep! The line on the monitored had gone flat. For a moment he thought he was dead, then he noticed that the monitor wasn't attached to him any more. Zach woke with a panicked look on her face. when she saw that Max was alive and standing in front of her she sank to the ground crying. Tyler woke up and screamed “Max!”
"I love you and I'm never leaving you." I hugged her and she started to cry.
"I love you too." She sobbed as I held her closer. When Tyler woke-up he joined our hug.
The End.
Oh! I almost forgot Acelynn got her perfect birthday party, even though it was in the hospital. the chocolate cake and root beer were awesome!




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Some one pleese comment i kneed to know what to do!!!!
"Straight as a circle."~Tyler Nelson
don't worry if you've never heard this before, he's not famous. He's one of my buddies.




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Some one plz comment!!! i have to make thiss longer otherwise it doesn't count. frowny face. plz plz give me a comment sorry i'm being kinda pushy but i really like thids idea and i want to write more but i kneed ideas!!!
"Straight as a circle."~Tyler Nelson
don't worry if you've never heard this before, he's not famous. He's one of my buddies.




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Hey!
I really liked this but found it a bit confusing at the beggining.
The story is a really difficult subject to write about but I really think you got across the characters emotions well.

I'd love to hear more. :D




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Hey Lexcy, I'm Becca or doodle, whichever you prefer.

I would suggest not being so pushy. A simple "Please review, I'm desperate." Or something would be all needed. Then, if you still can't get any reviews take a look atWill Review For Food.

Anyways, here goes:

There are some things I wish I never said, there are others I wish I would have. Things I wish I didn't do, words I wish had never left my mouth.

You're repeating yourself in the second sentence.

The police say it wasn't my fault. They say it was the lack of a stop sign. Some punk kids took it out with their car.

In your post, 'car' is a link. Why is it a link?

But I can't help thinking:

1.If the stop sign had been there

2.If I hadn't started yelling at my dad

3.If I didn't have hockey practice Saturday night...

My parents might still be alive.


The Accident

I don't necessarily like this in list form. I think it would look and go better if it was written more like a paragraph somewhat like this:

But I can't help thinking what if the stop sign had actually been there? What if I hadn't started yelling at my dad? What if I didn't have hockey practice Saturday night..

My parents might still be alive.

There. Well, if you want to make it in list form, put a comma at then end of each one. When you have just 'The Accident' as a line, it seems like a new chapter and it's kind of abrupt and makes it not flow so well. Combine it in with the next paragraph or where ever you start talking about the accident. Don't state that it was an accident right then and there, gradually build it up.

“Mom look I can take care of my self. I'll be eighteen in coma like comma a year. I'll be a legal adult and I can live where ever I want, so why can't I go live with Tommy and Garrett in Minneapolis this summer. I'll be there ready for college and everything.” I complained.

Put the commas where I said comma. The third sentence should end in a question mark, not a period.
When you get to the end of her speaking it's: everything," I complained. Not a period, a comma. ^^ As I read along, I notice you did this all the time. Fix it because it's bugging me. XD

“I'll help you daddy! I'm a big boy now. I can even lift the really heavy stuff.” yawned Tyler from his car seat.

'Big boys' don't say 'daddy!'

“I'll help you daddy! I'm a big boy now. I can even lift the really heavy stuff.” yawned Tyler from his car seat.

“Dad. Maybe I don't want to work in the store. Maybe I don't want to take over the family store. Maybe I want to do something with my life. Dad why cant you see I don't want to be anything like you. I want to live in a big city away from this dinky little town. It only has like six hundred people tops. I want to be somebody I don't want to be some guy that sells junk.” he shouted all his anger directed at the driver's seat.

If it's the same person talking, don't separate it.
Ex.: "Would you please stop it?" she yelled. "If you don't stop right now...."


Overall; I read about half way into it and then my attention was lost. You lack detail and emotion. You're telling, not showing...
And grammar is really bad, so I helped you on the major one (above), so those need to be fixed.

Good luck!
Becca




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Hey there, I'm going to give you my short and sweet review minus the grammer stuff, because grammer isn't my thing. =)

Anyways, it was an interesting concept but I think you could have done it better. The entire thing seemed rushed. You almost push the reader through this span of time (it really didn't seem like three and a half months, more like a few weeks). You need to slow it down and add a heck of a lot description and detail.

Also, how did you main character find out he was in peoples dreams? And why did he accept it so easily and automatically know how to deal with it? You should include a lot more about this. Maybe he is terrified when he finds out hes in other peoples dreams, maybe he thinks its the best thing since sliced bread. Whatever it is, let him show us.

Another thing, your characters didn't seem entirely real to me. I had no idea what to even picture them as and I couldn't pin down any way they should act. They didn't have concrete personalities.

So overall: Detail, detail, detail, description, description, description! And don't rush the reader. It's okay if this story becomes longer than it is now. Adding in more about the three characters relationships would be nice also. Work on developing your characters some too.

Sorry this seems overly negative, I don't mean it that way! Every piece needs a lot of work after it's down (believe me, I know). Don't give up! =)

Keep Writing!
Got YWS?




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It was pretty good; but I couldn't finish reading it, because I kept on finding a few mistakes that bugged me.

“Mom look I can take care of my self. I'll be eighteen in like a year. I'll be a legal adult and I can live where ever I want, so why can't I go live with Tommy and Garrett in Minneapolis this summer. I'll be there ready for college and everything.” I complained.

," I complained is how it should be...
“I'll help you daddy! I'm a big boy now. I can even lift the really heavy stuff.” yawned Tyler from his car seat.
“Dad. Maybe I don't want to work in the store. Maybe I don't want to take over the family store. Maybe I want to do something with my life. Dad why cant you see I don't want to be anything like you. I want to live in a big city away from this dinky little town. It only has like six hundred people tops. I want to be somebody I don't want to be some guy that sells junk.” he shouted all his anger directed at the driver's seat.

I don't understand this. If Tyler is so happy about it, then why did he say this stuff? Perhaps you meant to be 'I' instead of 'he'. Either way, it's overly confusing.
The way she looked at me, I could tell something had happened.”I'm sorry to tell you this but I'm afraid your parents didn't make it.”

I really do hate how abrupt this is. You've just woken up, and the first thing the nurse does is tell you your parents are dead? That's just unrealistic.
“young man you remember this, that junk-selling store pays for you're hockey, your clothes, and your food. With out that store you would have nothing.” dad turned around and looked at me. He was crying. ”If you only knew how hard it was to raise three kids the way the economy is these days.”

"Young man...."
Just as my mother had before she died. Before she had been taken away from me. Before my life changed for ever.

Forever is one word.
The police say it wasn't my fault. They say it was the lack of a stop sign. Some punk kids took it out with their car.

I thought your Dad was driving? Here you make it sound as if you were driving.

I know this seems really depressing, but you've just need to read it over and find your mistakes. I can't seem to locate it now, but you accidentally put 'you're' instead of 'your' [if it wasn't on accident, then; you're stands for you are, while as 'your' means something you own].

Now to the postive side.
There are some things I wish I never said, there are others I wish I would have. Things I wish I didn't do, words I wish had never left my mouth.
But I can't help thinking:
1.If the stop sign had been there
2.If I hadn't started yelling at my dad
3.If I didn't have hockey practice Saturday night...
My parents might still be alive.


I really do enjoy this. It seems very realistic.

I really like the idea and the way you constructed this. It was an all-in-all okay story, but unforunately I lost a bit of interest. Just look through it, maybe reword a few things, and fix a few grammar probelms. You have a great concept, but you just need to had some power to it. Have fun and keep writing!
formerly ZlyWilk

Finally achieving my dreams. Dive into a unique horror story.




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ok my characters are messed up hope this helps.
Tyler is a little kid who is my Max's little bro.
Max is my main character who plays hockey and is in a coma during most of the story.
Zach (Zacherine) is a girl about Max's age, her mom just died of cancer.
Acelynn is a little girl about Tyler's age and her house burnt down when she was inside. she is in the hospital the entire story.
Korie is Max's little sister she is younger than Tyler and dies in the story she isn't really a MC but she deserved some recognition.
i also have a question: Should I let Tyler live or kill him off? Same with Zach. If I killed them it would make the storry sad, but it would give it a huge twist. what do you think?
"Straight as a circle."~Tyler Nelson
don't worry if you've never heard this before, he's not famous. He's one of my buddies.




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Haha, I didn't get around to reading this piece yet, but I just wanted to say, yay for Dreamwalker's ;).

Sorry I myself have a novel called The Dreamwalker so I found that kind of neat someone had the same idea for a title XD. Of course, I hope you know I wont be changing the name. It's already too laced into my story XD.

From Dreams to Reality
~The.Dreamwalker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S



I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
— Bilbo Baggins