What would you do...if you had that kind of power...

Hi, I'm Keira. This is a story of a girl, and a family of superhero's, or they will be. Any thoughts for names would be greatly helpful.




Have you ever looked at the stars, looked at them and wondered, what, if anything was beyond them? What if there is other worlds, secret worlds, places magical, beautiful, and wondrous. A place that I might fit in, able to be me, a family that loved me no matter what, and I loved them more than life. I look out my dirty window pane, and something stirs in the pit of my being, a longing for my own secret place, a world for me.

Drops of rain splattered on the roof of the car, gliding off down the windows; it was like the world cried with me. The trails left by the rain drops were like the trail left on my scarred cheek. I looked beyond the rain watching as dark blurry green shapes of trees passed by, it was haunting the way the world around me looked today, all foggy and the drizzle that was making the trees look so eerie, they where the tallest pines I had ever seen with thick canopies of needles that blocked away the sky. On a clear day you could walk through them and be lost in the magistracy of them, covering the floor of this forest a light brownish orange, soft and squishy, from all the fallen pine nettles, but on this day, there was no sense of welcome to walk through their great trunks becoming lost in the sameness that went on forever. Today it was dark with shadows of other things; nightmares stalked the perfectly even rows tall regal trees. My nightmares had followed me to this strange place waiting for the chance to drag me into their world; it seemed no matter how far I ran they would always find me. I shook my head trying to pull myself back from these dark thoughts, the memories churned just below the surface, the torture that came with being different, that dark wintery night they came, the fight for life afterward, the man, the way he hurt me, scarred me ……. I had to repress them before they boiled over and hurt me. I knew once they came I could only wait until it all flooded out pouring out from all the numerous wounds. Maybe when I had time to cry I would soften my heart, let go of the anger, but for now I turned my heart back to the barren, frozen wasteland it had been made into, besides without my anger, I was nothing, an empty shell void of all emotions, nothing left to live for, I already stood on the line of not wanting to live anymore, only one thought kept me going through all of the pain done onto me. Revenge. Sweet, bitter, worth living for, revenge.

A faint chiming noise came from the front seat and a male voice answered. Keeping my head turned towards the landscape I cut my eyes at the rear view mirror only to find him glancing at me studying my face trying to see past the curtain of dark hair that hung around me like a veil.
“Yes, of course, it was no trouble at all Jake, no, hasn’t said a word the whole time, where are we? Hang on.”
He looked outside with his dark inquisitive brown eyes, searching, he saw what he was looking for apparently for he began speaking into the phone again, I lost interest and found myself studying him to take my mind off other uncomfortable things. When I met him at the train satiation I was surprised when the social worker left me in his care, all the other homes I went to they had went and introduced me to my new foster family and to make sure it was still a “safe” place, a lot of good it did me. This guy had to be in his late forties, with thick black hair that curled around his face and ears, he had a nice square jaw and a kindly looking face, bushy but evenly trimmed eyebrows sat above big deep set chocolate eyes framed by full lashes, his forehead was slightly to broad but you hardly noticed with how his hair laid, and his beard was shaven neatly into a nice complementing style that rounded out, if only slightly, his strong chin. My guess would be a professor of some sort the way he dressed, with his nice tan slacks, pressed just so, and off white button down shirt, covered with a black, white, and brown checkered sweater vest, from what I could see he dressed nice, neat, but none of it was expensive, the kind of things that poor teachers wear. I was turning my attention back out the window when some of his words got my ear
“Pretty? Yes I would say so, Kate you are going to see her in a hour at the most,---“
His surprisingly deep chuckle rumbled through the small car, his face lit up when he laughed with crinkles making his eyes sparkle, my breath skipped, it was how my dad had laughed, I choked back the sob that tried to escape,
“She has long brown hair, yes, yes, Kate the color of the dark chocolate you love, Kate I don’t know I think blue, sorry Kate she is going to be taller then you, no not by much, yes pretty, very pretty Kate, you’ll love her I’m sure….”
As we started up a long curving road that had seen better days I couldn’t stop thinking about what the man had said about me, that he thought me pretty, he must only be trying to be nice, what with me sitting right behind him and all that, yes that was it was, I mean what else could it be? I was not tall coming only to five four so long flowing legs were out of that picture, I was skinny but not the way girls looked in magazines, I was sort of like a squirrel I had a wiry body with lean muscle on my arms and legs, but worse was my face, at one time some would have called it pretty, perhaps even beautiful, with my smooth almost oval face, and my small delicate pink lips under a nicely shaped nose, all leading up to what lay under the thin gracefully arched brows the biggest bluest eyes smothered with depths of smoke and violet, the but that was before, before they came after me that nightmare of a night giving me scars on my upper torso and something that sliced my child’s skin from my jaw just under my lips all the way to my left ear, the doctors had done well in healing it but it still ended up leaving me with a fine white scar that ran deeper than just my skin. With that I don’t know how anyone could find me pretty more so now that anger and pain was etched onto my features turning them sour.


I have a lot more wrote you can tell me if you would like more to be posted. Thankies,
Keira

Hiya Keira! I'm Becca (or doodle)!

Have you ever looked at the stars, looked at them and wondered, what, if anything was beyond them?

You don't need to repeat 'looked.' Comma after anything.

I looked beyond the rain watching as dark blurry green shapes of trees passed by, period it was haunting the way the world around me looked today, all foggy and the drizzle that was making the trees look so eerie, period they where the tallest pines I had ever seen with thick canopies of needles that blocked away the sky.

Wow, that is one run on. You could probably make three sentances out of that.

On a clear day you could walk through them and be lost in the magistracy of them, covering the floor of this forest a light brownish orange, soft and squishy, from all the fallen pine nettles, period but on this day, there was no sense of welcome to walk through their great trunks becoming lost in the sameness that went on forever.

Another run on.

I shook my head trying to pull myself back from these dark thoughts, the memories churned just below the surface, the torture that came with being different, that dark wintery night they came, the fight for life afterward, the man, the way he hurt me, scarred me …….

Two things: long sentance and comma after head.

Keeping my head turned towards the landscape I cut my eyes at the rear view mirror only to find him glancing at me studying my face trying to see past the curtain of dark hair that hung around me like a veil.

Comma after landscape. Comma after me. And, I don't think 'cut' is the right word.

I will critique the rest later.

Wow that was actually very good. I am new at this, so I don't rally know what to write, but I really liked it. Id love it if you posted the rest of your story. Just one question. Is she a orphan or something? I liked the way you described the landscape, her face, the man, everything. you have a nice way of describing things.
What is the fantasy fiction about this story? Or is that coming later?
But for now its really good. keep writing^^

Okay, thanks a bunch! And that folks is all I need, one person saying "More" and here it is.

“Well we are here, Jake and Kate’s foster home , the house is about five minutes up this drive way, just thought I’d let you know.” His voice had startled me from my thoughts but I didn’t let it show, I was good at hiding away my feelings when I did actually have any, so I kept my eyes focused out the window on the tall looming trees that the drive, I had given up puzzling why they had sent me here weeks ago after I had been told at the hospital, who was I to them? I wasn’t gifted in anything, not music, not sports, and I wasn’t the next Einstein so I couldn’t figure on why they wanted me. A seventeen year old girl with nothing but pain, pain and the curse she had buried inside herself so long ago that it seemed impossible it even existed. I looked ahead and saw an enormous house towering through the pines, and my heart started to pound heavily in my ears.
It was huge, but it was soft somehow, like it was part of the woods that encircled it, in fact as I looked I saw that the house was made of pine logs the rich color of it blended in with the forest around it, and even on this dreary day it seemed to shine with a glow of its own. I saw then that part of the west wing of the home actually sat above the stream instead of disturbing it, yet the east wing of the house seem to be a garden of some sort, it was so breathtaking I gasped “You think that’s amazing, wait till you see the other half.” I quickly got myself back under control ashamed that I had let out even that little display of emotion. As the car pulled to a stop I pulled my fingers through my hair guiding it to where it would cover my face, even though I had been through this before my breath was sucked out of my lungs and my heart pounded in my head, I was terrible at meeting people they always wanted to hug me to welcome me to their home or something like that, I couldn’t stand for people to touch me, it brought back to many memories. I shuddered as The car door was opened for me, I pulled the worn out denim jacket tighter around me glad that it was too big for me for this allowed me to hide myself in it like an animal burying itself in its hole. I unclipped the seat belt reached over and grabbed the yellow and black duffle bag that held everything I had in this world, I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car a feeling, though I wasn’t sure what it was yet, lingered with me as I slung the duffle bag over my shoulder and followed a tall black headed man into my new home.
As he knocked I was trying to rein in my thoughts and feelings, I pulled a deep breath in forcing it into my unwilling lungs. I closed my eyes, calmed myself and when I opened them I was somewhere deep inside myself, no one could reach me here, I told myself that anyhow as I saw the door knob turning seemingly in slow motion. The door swung open and what stood there was not what I had been expecting, though on that note I didn’t no what I had been expecting exactly, maybe an old granny or the middle aged couple pretending to be excited. No what stood before me was an angel, it had to be. A choked sound caught in my throat and my mouth dropped open slightly, for standing before me stood a perfect likeness of my little brother, but it couldn’t be him for my beloved brother had died long ago on that horrible night. He stood barely four foot with wavy dirty blond hair that swept over his forehead and covered the back of his neck and ears, he looked up at me with those crystal clear blue eyes filled with childish curiosity, something some one had said must have been funny because he was still smiling, his round cheeks had little dimples in them, he tilted his head slightly at me then he looked at the man who had brought me here. “Mr. Max!!” he ran to Mr. Max and jumped towards him, the tall dark haired man enfolded him in his arms. “Ah, Aden, I missed you boy, my haven’t you grown since I’ve been gone, I mean it must be at least three extra feet well I even imagine your taller then Luc.” The little boy, Aden, sighed and rolled his eyes highly exaggerating the movement “Mr. Max I haven't grown that much….” He was beginning to say more when the door opened wider, reveling a middle aged woman. She was beautiful, her skin had a rich brown color, the short black hair was layered to frame her seemingly perfect oval face stopped just below her chin, she had high check bones that it seemed to me gave her an untamed look considering that the eyes that lay beneath long thick eyelashes were so dark I could barely see the pupils, and I was standing closest to the door and to her, twinkled in the oddest way. Her black knee length dress fit snug around her waist and had half length white sleeves, I was cut short in admiring her foreign beauty when her light clear voice rang out with only a faintest touch of a Spanish accent in her words “Hello Maximuis You had a good trip?” he shook his head looking away from the child he still held in his arms “You must be Samantha, I’m Katherine but everyone around here calls me Kate. “ she looked around at the bad weather with the mist having become a small down pour “Come on you must come inside don’t want you catching a cold now do we. Come on Aden give poor Max a chance to rest for once darling.” Aden scrambled out of his bear hug but took the mans hand leading him inside, they both stepped over the threshold and I was left trying to calm myself enough to walk into the home which I would live at least for a little while at least. “Hey ain’t you coming in?” His little head had popped back around the door and he was motioning me in.
As I walked into the large house I had an odd feeling and images flickered around in my head, a young boy his back to me his shoulders shaking, I held onto it for a minute longer an saw that he was surrounded by blood, covered in it, I could feel the pain he felt, the sadness, agony, and then the overwhelmingly familiar sense of rage. I shuddered blinking quickly trying to rid my head of the nightmarish image, I had never understood why I had these vividly horrible daydreams, finally I shook my head and the picture began to fade. When my vision cleared there was a boy, well a teenager really about my age, he was leaning against the wall half hidden in the shadows arms folded with his head down his brown hair hiding his face. He was slouching but I could tell that he was tall, I waited a little unsure about what to do as he slowly lifted his head. “You had better watch yourself girl…..I’m warning you now…. stay out of here” he raised his hand as he spoke to tap two fingers on his forehead, he basically spat out the words his voice was low, a deep whisper but it rang clear in my head as he glared at me, that’s what unsettled me the most, I would swear that his eyes were glowing red but that would be crazy, I must be crazy. They way he was staring me down I was beginning to get a little scared, then he grinned, only slightly, a teensy little bit at the corners of his perfectly shaped lips turned up in what amounted to a smug look. That’s what did it, I mean it that really just ticked me off, sure he scared the crap out of me the evil eyed boy, but that’s what made me mad, he knew he was scary and that he scared me, I was the target of his laughter, plus I just had a bad temper and I hated being told what to do. My forehead wrinkled as my eyebrows knitted together as I returned the glare, I knew I was good at this I got plenty of practice, I was pleased to see him startle, if only just a bit, he had underestimated me, I grinned in a way that I knew made me look wicked. “I don’t know what your talking about…..” I paused letting it sink in that I thought he was nuts “But….I…Hate being threatened……” I hissed it out in the meanest sounding voice I possessed; I knew this was bad but years of being at the bottom of the food chain had taught me to never be taken as a wimp and to always set yourself up a tough-don’t-mess-with-me image. I had hoped that I would stop him from testing me the way most kids did whenever there’s new meat around, see most of the foster homes I was in the kids did everything next to setting me on fire, and they came close to that, so I learned early on that their less likely to try if they think you might kill them in the dead of night, still didn’t stop some of the braver ones but it sure made’em think about it first. I hoped that I could bluff this guy but my heart just about stopped when he snapped up straight and took two long strides toward me stopping inches away from my face, I some how managed to keep my face smooth, still cocked to the side glaring at him, but I couldn’t stop the shiver that ran down my spine. Oh. My. Gosh. I was sure his eyes were glowing now; oh ya blazing, on fire, something in that category might be more appropriate. If I hadn’t been so dang fascinated I would have had to look away with all the intense emotion pouring out of him, “You think you’re fooling me? Do you? Well your not. You have no idea what I’m capable of doing…..” He paused clenching and unclenching his jaw “Some little pampered princess like you,….huh what do you know about pain. You don’t even know what you are.” Okay so right about now I’m on the verge of a breakdown I haven’t been here ten minutes and already being threatened, judged, and confused. I turned my head the other way letting my hair fall away so that the white scar shone in the poor light, the look I shot into his eyes dared him to say some else as I heard myself answer in a dangerous way “I know more then what you think ……” I caught the scream in my throat, barely, as a strong hand shot out and gripped my upper arm, he was about to say something when I saw him glance away, at my cheek, as a choked sound came from my lips, I don’t know what happened, but suddenly he was holding me up. A lot of bad memories came from being touched, in fact no one had touched me in six years, it scared me so bad seeing these things my knees gave way. I was trembling head to toe; I couldn’t even cry the tears that shone in my eyes. “let….let me goo..go. Pl…please.” I was shaking so much I doubted I would be able to stand if he did let me go but I was reliving days long ago, and I was terrified. Through my glazed eyes I thought I could see, regret fullness, sorrow? I could not tell. “I… I’m sorry…I’ll let you go don’t….don’t fall. Okay?” his voice was different now, deep but almost, caring? I don’t really care I nodded once and put a little weight on my wobbly legs and found I could stand if not very steady. I felt his hands drop back to his sides and my head immediately felt clearer. I struggled to speak “Don’t….don’t touch me.” The words came out breathlessly and ragged, not at all the toughness I wanted to feel right then. I placed my hands on my knees lowering my head letting my hair glide back into place hiding me from view, I could see that he had stepped back, good let him think me a psychotic lunatic maybe he would leave me be. “I….I didn’t know I’m sorry. I was wrong I saw, felt your pain, felt what you where feeling,” I jerked my head up glaring at him again my terror already fading a small bit, cutting him off mid sentence I almost shouted at him “What the heck do you mean by that??! Saw my pain. How in the heck is that even friggen possible?!” but even as I said that I knew that something had happened when he had grabbed me, but to believe that he had maybe seen my thoughts was to believe that’s what I had done to him, therefore he must be crazier than I. He was hesitating not knowing how much to tell me about this little fantasy he lived in, but even as I was shouting out disbelieve in my head a small voice whispered in my head, “you have always known there’s more to your nightmares, you try to pretend, you blocked out the parts that people wouldn’t agree with that you don’t want to see, but you know there is truth in his words.” I shook my head a little bit shaking away that betraying thought.

Hiya Keira! I'm Becca (or doodle)!

Have you ever looked at the stars, looked at them and wondered, what, if anything was beyond them?

You don't need to repeat 'looked.' Comma after anything.

I looked beyond the rain watching as dark blurry green shapes of trees passed by, period it was haunting the way the world around me looked today, all foggy and the drizzle that was making the trees look so eerie, period they where the tallest pines I had ever seen with thick canopies of needles that blocked away the sky.

Wow, that is one run on. You could probably make three sentences out of that.

On a clear day you could walk through them and be lost in the magistracy of them, covering the floor of this forest a light brownish orange, soft and squishy, from all the fallen pine nettles, period but on this day, there was no sense of welcome to walk through their great trunks becoming lost in the sameness that went on forever.

Another run on.

I shook my head trying to pull myself back from these dark thoughts, the memories churned just below the surface, the torture that came with being different, that dark wintery night they came, the fight for life afterward, the man, the way he hurt me, scarred me …….

Two things: long sentance and comma after head.

Keeping my head turned towards the landscape I cut my eyes at the rear view mirror only to find him glancing at me studying my face trying to see past the curtain of dark hair that hung around me like a veil.

Comma after landscape. Comma after me. And, I don't think 'cut' is the right word.

“Yes, of course, it was no trouble at all Jake, no, hasn’t said a word the whole time, where are we? Hang on.”

Comma before Jake. After jake, replace the comma with a period.

He looked outside with his dark inquisitive brown eyes, searching, he saw what he was looking for apparently for he began speaking into the phone again, I lost interest and found myself studying him to take my mind off other uncomfortable things.

Seperate them at the comma after again. Run on.

When I met him at the train satiation I was surprised when the social worker left me in his care, all the other homes I went to they had went and introduced me to my new foster family and to make sure it was still a “safe” place, a lot of good it did me.

The 'they' is unecessary.

This guy had to be in his late forties, with thick black hair that curled around his face and ears, he had a nice square jaw and a kindly looking face, bushy but evenly trimmed eyebrows sat above big deep set chocolate eyes framed by full lashes, his forehead was slightly to broad but you hardly noticed with how his hair laid, and his beard was shaven neatly into a nice complementing style that rounded out, if only slightly, his strong chin.

Major run on.

I was turning my attention back out the window when some of his words got my ear

I think you mean 'Got to my ear' or 'got my attention'? Also, period at the end.

“Pretty? Yes I would say so, Kate you are going to see her in a hour at the most,---“

If he's being cut off at the other end of the line, you don't need a comma and only one hypen is necessary.

“She has long brown hair, yes, yes, Kate the color of the dark chocolate you love, Kate I don’t know I think blue, sorry Kate she is going to be taller then you, no not by much, yes pretty, very pretty Kate, you’ll love her I’m sure….”

Um... is he supposed to say "Kate" all the time. It's kind of annoying.

I was not tall coming only to five four so long flowing legs were out of that picture, I was skinny but not the way girls looked in magazines, I was sort of like a squirrel I had a wiry body with lean muscle on my arms and legs, but worse was my face, at one time some would have called it pretty, perhaps even beautiful, with my smooth almost oval face, and my small delicate pink lips under a nicely shaped nose, all leading up to what lay under the thin gracefully arched brows the biggest bluest eyes smothered with depths of smoke and violet, the but that was before, before they came after me that nightmare of a night giving me scars on my upper torso and something that sliced my child’s skin from my jaw just under my lips all the way to my left ear, the doctors had done well in healing it but it still ended up leaving me with a fine white scar that ran deeper than just my skin.

Holey snap (Yes, I made up a new saying). That's only one sentance. Major huge run on.

Overall; It was really kind of short. Your paragraphs were really huge, so you may want to down size them a bit. Also, your sentances were way too lengthy. A lot of them can be seperated into sperate sentances so they're not a huge info dump. Grammar could also use some some improvement. Like how you connected everything with commas.

Your descriptions are really nice. You seem to spend more time on the descriptions more than anything, though. It is a really short piece and it would be better to critique if it was longer so I can't say much about that.

I'm interested in where this will go!

Becca

I'm sorry; I unforunately didn't have time to read the second part, just the first.
You had tons of grammar mistakes, but I kept on forgetting them as I read on. Your story captivated me. Here's one of the things I didn't forget:

“She has long brown hair, yes, yes, Kate the color of the dark chocolate you love, Kate I don’t know I think blue, sorry Kate she is going to be taller then you, no not by much, yes pretty, very pretty Kate, you’ll love her I’m sure….”

Okay, this sounds like he's speaking in one breath without pausing, where's it's obvious that he's listening to Kate speak as well. It can go something like this:
"She has long brown hair . . . yes, yes, Kate, the color of the dark chocolate you love . . . Kate, I don't know, I think blue . . . Sorry, Kate, she is going to be taller then you . . . no, not by much . . . yes, pretty, very pretty, Kate . . . You'll love her, I'm sure . . . "
I also fixed a few grammar probelms, so keep those in mind too. ^.^
Good job. *applauds*

Thank you all for your help! I must say that I have not gone over these very well so there will be mistakes. With the comma's I am so sorry, I did not even notice I was doing that. I will do better!!
Keira