One Touch: Prologue

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Hi, first time at romance. Each student was given a picture and then had to write what inspired them from it. This was from English. Please R&R.


One Touch.

One touch. That’s all it took, a small brush of her skin on his, but he got more than what he bargained for.

They had been seated in the garden after dinner with their backs to each other, she looking over the hill towards the waterfalls that reflected the florescent lighting of the moon and lit up the surrounding flowers. He on the other hand chose to look upon the souls of the past and the darkness that he had been drowned in since his birth, nothing but stalagmites and rotting grass crispy under his feet.

The leaves that fell from the trees strong enough to thrive in the darkness danced around the two as they sat in silence, shrouded in their own thoughts and doubts.

He shifted softly as not to startle her, but chanced a glance behind him.

She was like an angel to him, yet a simple farm girl with a heart of adventure with long, silky hair the colors of the sun, stars and wheat from the world above, her skin paler than the moon with eyes of the most beautiful green he’d ever seen. Her dress was so simply and modest that it was rivaled against any of Aphrodite’s dresses.

He was a king, yet a handsome, fit gentleman ready to protect his kingdom and help those in need and good judgment. His eyes were of a deep brown, like the earth, but darker still. His hair was in waves and curls that framed his face cut to halfway down his neck and bangs occasionally sweeping across his eyes. His goatee shaven to only cover the tip of his chin. His black robes with silver trim, stopping just above his knees.

‘I wish she could forgive me, grow to love me or at least want my company in the slightest bit.’

‘What do I think of him, this is all knew to me. Oh, how I sometimes wish he had never taken me from home. Do I really love him?’


The girl brushed her bangs out of her face and blushed, her skin turning the colors of the sunset as she decidedly placed her hand upon his.
“Kore?”
She turned.
“Yes, husband?” she glared at the man as he called her by her maiden name, a name she dislike very much.
“Y-your hand. Persephone.” He raised an eyebrow then lowered when he called her by her rightful name.
“What of it, Hades? Do you no longer enjoy my company, even when you have gone lengths of greatness to kidnap me?”
It was his turn to blush.
“N-no, not at all. I thought you did not like me.”
Persephone laughed at his reply, savoring the sound of his deep voice, knowing how much his heart fluttered when he heard her tinkling laughter.
“Well,” she smirked at his rarely seen confusion on his face.
“You thought wrong.”

She then made up her mind. Leaning forward she wrapped her small arms around Hades neck and pulled him down for a long kiss as he picked and tucked the flower of their love, a narcissus, into her hair.

Yes, most definitely more than he bargained for.
Last edited by Shadow_Thief13 on Fri May 15, 2009 5:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
By the Gods... Please let inspiration strike me! (Just in a non-violent way O.o)




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Hey there, I'm The.Dreamwalker and I'm hear to review your work :D. You can call me dreamwalker or DW if you'd like or basically anything for that matter. Those two nicknames are used mostly.

Alright so will my reviews I tend to first go into my critique which is a sort of 'nit-pick' section. Then I go into grammar and punctuation, character development, setting and description, plot, and then finally my overall opinion.

Alright so on with the show!

Critique

They had been seated in the garden after dinner with their backs to each other, she looking over the hill towards the waterfalls that reflected the florescent lighting of the moon and lit up the surrounding flowers.


This sentence feels very long and dragged out. It feels as if you were trying a little too hard on the flowing scale and didn't realize that your sentences were becoming this long. Slim it down. Make two sentences out of this instead of one giant one. It will make it sound more professional.

The leaves that fell from the trees strong enough to thrive in the darkness danced around the two as they sat in silence, shrouded in their own thoughts and doubts.


There should be a comma between 'trees' and 'strong' and between 'darkness' and 'danced'. The sentence needs to be split up or it runs and sounds silly.

She was like an angel to him, yet a simple farm girl with a heart of adventure with long, silky hair the colors of the sun, stars and wheat from the world above, her skin paler than the moon with eyes of the most beautiful green he’d ever seen.


Again this sentence is way to long! Here's an example of how you can fix this area up:

'She was like an angel to him. A simple farm girl with a heart of adventure, her hair silky and the colours of the sun. Stars and wheat from the world above, so it seemed, and her skin was paler then the moon with eyes of the most beautiful green he'd ever seen.'

That was it makes it flow better and sound more realistic.

‘What do I think of him, this is all knew to me.


'Knew' should be 'new'.

Yes, most definitely more than he bargained for.


I'm curious as to how this will tie in for he did kidnap her in the act of finding love so it seems. Now that he's getting what he wants its more then he bargained for? Sorry, it will probably be revealed later in the storyline but I'm just curious.

Grammar and Punctuation

Okay so I found that your grammar was beautiful. Very interesting indeed but your punctuation left something to be desired. Your comma placement was a little rough as was some of your quotation placements and such things and your sentence structure sometimes didn't make sense. You have a habit of flowing your sentences so long that they just turn into run-on's and we dont want those now do we. Reread your work then read it again to be sure and maybe even read it aloud to see if it blends well that way. Do anything you can to make your story flow and your punctuation to be proper.

Character Development

Okay this area is really sketchy for me so far. I'm not going to make any opinions yet for this piece was fairly short and I'm not expecting much for this area yet but both characters dont seem that charming to me yet. The male seem like he is either desperate or a pervert and the woman seems as if she's too used to playing the innocent role but she sounds like a manipulator by far. So far neither of the characters seem like a right protagonist yet but I could be mistaken.

Setting and Description

Some of your sentence run-on's ruined your interesting descriptions but a lot of your wording was interesting and helped me picture things well. What you need to fix up though is your setting description. I could see the two people but I didnt know exactly where they were located. There was not much of anything on your setting and I would hope to see more of that in later chapters. This one left me wondering.

Plot

I am actually sincerly curious to see what happens later in this story. The two characters, although not appealing in my tastes, do seem to have an understanding in a sense but your storyline doesnt seem to have shined through quite yet. I never expect to much for this catagory after the first chapter but I am sincerely curious as to see what happens later on and what must conspire in this strange storyline.

Overall

I somewhat liked it and somewhat didn't. A lot of the run-on sentences werent very appealing and the fact that the only good factors of the characters that I noticed are good looks is also leaving something to be desired. It was well worded but just fix out the kinks and it should be good as good.

It has potential and PM me when you have more up :D.

From Dreams to Reality
~The.Dreamwalker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S




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Thanks for the review, DW (Arthur's lil sis, *laugh*)! I've always been bad at the punctuation, but grammar wise I'm not that bad. My english teacher and dad say the same things (dad majoring in speech).

At first, I didn't plan on making new chapters, but now that actually may seem like a good idea.

To be honest, I was watching a movie the same time as writing this so I wasn't actually paying attention to what was happening to the smooth runs of my sentences. Next time I'll try to remember to look over my work.

Thanks again! :wink:

ST
By the Gods... Please let inspiration strike me! (Just in a non-violent way O.o)



I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
— Oxara