Lost memories

*Hey, Greeters! See? A piece of work for you to review. Let's win the war! Reviews from everyone are welcomed ^_^*

Lost memories
by Kat

When it smells just like rain,
on the stranger's perfect face,
my heart braeks at that sight,
my mind's silence is broken,
in the summer's darkest night.

With soft feathers of desire,
a dream of us is flying,
to a place where memories
won't die, and I watch our
dream fly through the skies.

Tears, that smell just like rain,
falling, warm, on my cheeks,
as I recall, under his bright eyes,
feeling safe. He's no stranger;
he lingers on my lost memories.

*Instructor walks in* Psh, greeters. I'll review this first, mwahaha!

When it smells just like rain,

on the stranger's perfect face,

my heart brakes at that sight,

my mind's silence is broken,

in the summer's darkest night.

So! Let's see... I'm kind of confused about what would smell like rain on someone's face, dear? Are you speaking of tears, or what?

Anywhoodoodle! "brakes" should rightfully be "breaks" dear.

With soft feathers of desire,

a dream of us is flying,

to a place where memories

won't die, and I watch our

dream fly through the skies.

This is a pretty stanza. Very imaginative and creative.

Tears, that smell just like rain,

falling, warm, on my cheeks,

as I recall, under his bright eyes,

feeling safe. He's no stranger;

he lingers on my lost memories.

=D So! Tears don't actually smell like rain, dear. Rain is just like, plain water with a rainy scent, and tears are more salty *nods*.







----

So, this poem needs a bit of polishing, trimming, and addition.

I think that you need to polish the way you word your lines, dear, just clean it up a bit and make sure your lines are clear cut.

Also! This is a very common concept to write upon, dear, so by addition I think that you need a bit more different types of ideas in here to make this stand out from all the other pieces like this, dear.

Nice work though! Nice job with your play on words. Keep it up!

Juniper

(Oh my goodness. XD I totally forgot that I'm green, not purple right now...)

Hullo!

I'm Audy, just thought I'd critique your piece today =D

I thought this was a pretty good start! There was certainly a lyrical quality about it that I liked, especially in the second stanza. The third stanza is a bit muddled, and so the meaning gets a little unclear. I'm in agreement with springrain, with the 'tears that smell like rain' bit. And only because you've already made a discreet reference to that in the first stanza.

When it smells just like rain,
on the stranger's perfect face,
my heart brakes at that [s]sight[/s] smell.
My mind's silence is broken,
in the summer's darkest night.

Because this poem is so short, the repetition of the rain-smelling tears actually hinders this poem, and I actually like it better here then at the end, but there's just one thing that confuses me, because I read this part:

When it smells just like rain,
on the stranger's perfect face,
my heart brakes at that sight,

And it sounds like you're saying that your heart breaks at the smell of the rain on the stranger's face. So it should be "my heart breaks at that smell" not sight. Unless you mean that your heart breaks at the sight of the stranger's face-- but if that's the case, then there's a misplaced modifier because the subject is "it" and the verb is "smells" -- "on the stranger's perfect face" is just a prepositional phrase.

So when you say "that" in the third line, it is assumed that you're referring to the subject of the sentence -- "it".

Does that make any sense at all? I apologize if I'm confusing you. PM me if you have any more questions about this.

In any case, "sight" should be changed to "smell" (or a similar synonym) in the context of this sentence. But in any case, there should be a period after that line because of the run-on. And the poem is reads MUCH clearer now.

Tears[s],[/s] that smell just like rain,
falling[s],[/s] warm, on my cheeks,
as I recall, under his bright eyes,
feeling safe. He's no stranger;
he lingers on my lost memories.

There shouldn't be a comma after 'falling' or 'tears'. Too many commas, it's so confusing xD I have no idea what you're trying to say. Should it be:

"..falling warm on my cheeks FROM under his bright eyes? If that's the case, I would recommend you get rid of "as I recall" as it is unneeded. I have no idea about the rest of it, but I do like the last line.

So overall, I recommend you fix that last stanza and fix the little minor errors. And then I would try to think of something to add to that third stanza other than the tears smelling like rain, especially since you've already mentioned it in the first stanza. To improve this piece, it could definitely use some more imagery, as right now it's just "feelings" but I kind of like that aspect of it, and the lyrical-"ness" of it. xD It would be real nice though, if you can try to add something else to this. Something that might make this poem stand out from the millions out there, because admittedly, words like "dreams" and "tears" and "love" are so generic nowadays that they have lost all meaning.

To quote the quote of the day "Make it new!"


Hope I've helped. Again, if you have any questions just PM me, and keep writing because this was nice

~ Audy

Thanks June and Audy!