Bent Bishop

The bishop doesn’t look quite right. It’s curved, like what matter is supposed to do as it reaches the event horizon of a black hole. But there are no interstellar occurrences on this chessboard.

I look up at my opponent. He’s a centaur. What else is new? I’m here in some far-flung meadow with a chessboard in front of me. Nothing else is logical, why should my opponent be?

We’re playing for something. You don’t play chess with a centaur unless it’s fairly important. Unless I’m mistaken. I’ve never really met a centaur before today, never really knew they existed until I was here with one right in front of me.

There’s no telling what we’re playing for. It could be for the world, my soul, or perhaps even my lawn. It needs to be mowed, now that I think about it. Maybe he could do it for me, if I win. I’m sure he’d be willing enough. One man’s weeds are a centaur’s luncheon, I guess.

The bent bishop is mine. I don’t know why. Maybe it means something. Perhaps a slanted view of the church? That can’t be right. I go to Mass every Sunday and take it willingly. I don’t hold a wrong view of our priest. He’s a good one, though he’s a tad too progressive for my tastes. Whoever heard of a priest holding a barbeque for the teenagers? It’s not fitting. That’s for the parents to arrange. Despite that, he’s still a good man. Just a tad too progressive.

The centaur has the face of one of the boys from our town. He’s a smart boy, but somewhat lazy, in my opinion. All he does is sit around and write in a notebook. I asked him once what he wrote down. “Just stories,” he told me. I just nodded my head knowingly. Sooner or later, he’ll come around. He’ll get a job and grow out of that phase. I was in it once myself. Wrote some poetry around my senior year in high school. But I learned it wasn’t going to get me much of anywhere. It was a shame. People said they were good. But they were ultimately useless.

The centaur moves his pawn and traps my king. It’s a checkmate, no question about it. He looks up at smiles. I laugh, seeing how foolish I was to let a pawn get that close.

“It’s all right,” he tells me. “You’ll survive.”

“I guess so,” I say, and I get up to shake his hand. I’m polite. No use losing and then losing again by throwing a fit. “By the way, what were we playing for? I forgot.”

He smiles as he takes my hand. “The future.”

To stop laughing long enough to review!

Opening and follow-through: The opening had me slightly confused here. At first I thought you were referring to the top of a bishop, which fits your description (I took the description over the title), but then you change the description from "curved" to "bent" in between. It changes the meaning of that bishop completely.

Repetition: There's just one little bit of repetition here,

You don’t play chess with a centaur unless it’s fairly important. Unless I’m mistaken.

"Unless" is used twice in two sentences.

Meaning: Once I got all my thought together, these snipits of scenes all tied together nicely. The meaning is still a bit fuzzy, but I don't mind that so much. That vagueness leaves room for individual meaning, and makes you think about things without being too over-burdning.

The "I forget" at the end seems to contradict the paragraph in which he doesn't seem to know what they're playing for. It throws things slightly.

Hmm, the last few mentions of what the meaning is (the pawn taking the king and the final line of dialogue), are pushing things slightly far, simply because the meaning is so vague through the body of this work. At first glance they almost seem detached, and that could push some people away.

Overall: I really, really liked this! At first it seems rather detached, but the more I think about it the more I like the way things are tied together.

Just one question, how much of yourself did you put in those characters?

~Rosey

Hey Conrad. ^^ I don't think I've ever critiqued your work, although I've certainly read enough pieces to know that you're a talented writer. I'll see what I can suggest with this quirky little story.

But there are no interstellar occurrences on this chessboard.

Nice.

I look up at my opponent. He’s a centaur. What else is new? I’m here in some far-flung meadow with a chessboard in front of me. Nothing else is logical, why should my opponent be?

I have no idea exactly how to put this, so bear with me as I try to work out what I need to say.

I find the last four sentences here (in bold) a little...amateur? This isn't needed here. You have your narrator rambling about how his fantasy doesn't make sense. I think, just by what you have so far and the clarification that his opponent is a centaur, you hardly need to tell the readers that nothing in the story is logical. We get that. It's okay for you MC to remark on the strangeness of the event, but the way you have it here sounds forced.

-_- If that made any amount of sense at all.

We’re playing for something. You don’t play chess with a centaur unless it’s fairly important. Unless I’m mistaken. I’ve never really met a centaur before today, never really knew they existed until I was here with one right in front of me.

Same thing here. I like the sarcastic comments in the beginning of this paragraph, but that last sentence just seems unnecessary and forced. Is there any way you can say the same thing ("I've never known centaurs existed") with a bit of that sarcasm you've included other places, instead of just stating it?

He’s a good one, though he’s a tad too progressive for my tastes. Whoever heard of a priest holding a barbeque for the teenagers? It’s not fitting. That’s for the parents to arrange. Despite that, he’s still a good man. Just a tad too progressive.

The last sentence is repetitive of the first phrase I bolded.

*

I love the paragraph with the bishop's face being that of the writer boy. It's a nice touch.

*

“By the way, what were we playing for? I forgot.”

I agree with Rosey here. If he didn't know what they were playing for in the first place, he had nothing to forget in the first place. If he's just trying to trick the centaur into thinking he already knew, perhaps you should add that in there somewhere.

So! I thought the concept was interesting, if not a little under-developed. I understand that this was a semi-rushed exercise (the short story event, yes?), but I still think it's lacking a bit of explanation. I don't, however, think you need to elaborate to the plot. The ambiguity here is perfectly fine (in fact, enjoyable) as long as what you do have is properly elaborated on and explained.

I think you could benefit by adding a bit more reaction from your narrator, to make this more relatable; he'd either be freaking out and demanding to know what's going on, convinced this was all a dream, amused and curious about the whole thing, or had been expecting this all along. Since it's obviously not expected, and he obviously wasn't freaking out, that leaves the dream option or the curiosity. I'd suggest expanding a bit more on his thoughts about the whole situation, just here or there.

Good job, nice story, and PM me if you need me to clarify my points. ^^

~Evi

...Win.

...

*Tries to find some fault to help with*

...

...

No.

...

I loved it, heh. I love how he's all confused and doped up, though the short sentences started grating just a weeeee bit.

But. Maybe it's because I love centaurs. But I love the whimsy - and the 'never play chess with a centaur'. That just got me. I chuckled.

Erm. Sorry, no in dpeth review for you - you don't need it. Good job, I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Not hard hitting enough. Too whimsical for a piece dealing with the loss of someone's future. Why a centaur? How is it he is able to bargain for something that isn't tangible? Too many questions, without any means to infer an answer. For the ending to have an impact on the reader, you need to have something more than a couple words that tell the reader that it's important. I'll try to explain in a little bit.

Maybe it means something. Perhaps a slanted view of the church? That can’t be right. I go to Mass every Sunday and take it willingly.

I don't think your character would question this. He doesn't seem like the kind of individual that would be uncertain about his opinions, or the morality of them. Your character, yes--but the way you portray him gives off the vibe of a set-in-his-ways older man.

He’s a smart boy, but somewhat lazy, in my opinion. All he does is sit around and write in a notebook. I asked him once what he wrote down.

This implies that he doesn't understand why the boy would like to write stories, even though he admitted he wrote them himself. Contradictory.

It’s a checkmate, no question about it. He looks up at smiles. I laugh, seeing how foolish I was to let a pawn get that close.

Expand on this. It has interesting connotations. Have him consider the board and the placement of the pieces. Make him look for a way out. If he was so sure it was a checkmate right at that moment, he wouldn't have been trapped so easily. Generally, people are pretty dumbstruck when you checkmate them.

Now...the ending.

The way this reads, it's all very whimsical and apathetic. That feeling and tone rubs off on the reader, so when you hit them with the important-sounding revelation that they're dueling for the future (of what? The man? The world? Very vague)it means next to nothing to them. You need a sense of urgency, or a sense of dread, something. Before or after, it doesn't matter...but you gotta hit the reader hard. If you have any questions, I'd be glad to explain to you on a one-to-one basis--I'm terrible at this impersonal, one post review stuff.

--D

Hey there! Ahhh, this was nice, being able to read one of your great vignettes without spotting a single glaring mistake (could this be because half a dozen others were here before me?). Anyway, I loved it. Sweet and whimsical and perfectly...balanced. Like those big, book-shaped rocks balancing on top of those stone spires out...somewhere, some desert. Anyway, like that. Heavy yet light. Of course, I have no idea what the heck is going on, but hey. I'm used to it, and not just from your stories. Fun and very well crafted; I think this piece really epitomizes your style. Great work, keep writing. Ta!