Losing Touch (ii)

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III. Setting

1.) (1959) Sidewalk chalk. The broken, brown strands of grass plying out of the cracks. Heat lifting off of the roadway in looping, jiving distortions, disturbed like a face in dreamstate. Shuttle-chinned cars, schooners on the tar-seeped asphalt. The children playing barefoot, boys with stripped, pink chests and the girls in the thin, dirty dresses. Working with a tireless industry. The houses squat around, pale faced as invalids. People sit on their porches. They play records with their windows open and the neighborhood is full of sweat and skipping, jostled tunes. Flies trapped in the window screens, men and women sprawled on their sheetless beds like negatives. No one knows, no one knows.

2.) (1960) Raped whores. Lying in their yellow motel rooms, making such a stink. Lousy, hackled storefronts. Boys bending over their cigarettes, black boots, and their lips dipping, sagging. There are kids in the park. There are cigarette butts in the sandbox. Drowsy housewifes carting their screeching babies in strollers, their eyes big and purple, like open fly-traps. A freight train runs near the house, alongside a measly, narrow stream. The stream is largely stagnant. Mosquito larvae curl in it like commas. The cops wait across the street. They're eating packed lunches and listening to the radio and watching the quiet house with the shuttered windows. No one stirs, no one stirs.

3.) (1975) Fruit stands. Bruised bananas, dent-headed melons, stacked like plague victims with their hard, knotted sores. The cranky street. A traffic of cars, bees and drones and queens. Fat bodied, vein-winged. The flat-footed blue policemen and the crooks in the doorways. The alley ways spreading like legs. Immigrants with their nonsense and their strings of children. Lonesome faces from the windows. The sickly trees rounded up in neat little increments. Shy rapture of the sighing buildings, the hopeless puppy-love directed at the new sun, corpulant as a belly. In the exiting shafts of light, bodies fall from the skyscrapers. Fat, blundering. A shame, a shame. The city shrugs into itself, rolling, curling, the shells and segments contracting, like some frightened sowbug. No one sees, no one sees.

IV.Climax

1.) (1959) Another one of her moods. Face bunched up, rolled, the wrinkles caving in, hips set at angles. Muttering, swearing. The oaths and promises rising like zeppelins. Her fingers wrapped around Margaret's upper arm, leaving purple boats of flesh. The bruises ringing up and perfect; you can almost see the whorls and tents and arches of her fingerprints. Margaret struggles, pushes, screams. No momma no no no. Don't wanna go back. I'll be good. I'll be good. The hallways hunch in. The slim light sneaks in on its belly like a cockroach. The mother grabs Margaret by the wrists. Pulls her along. Evil girl, sinful wretch. But you'll learn your lesson. Like teaching a dog. Beat the hell out of them and show em whose boss. They'll come to, they'll come to. Air is thick, motionless. The mother opens the door to the basement. She marches confederately. Margaret can smell her. She smells like pills and bibles. Pills and bibles. Fingers soft and secret as fungus caps. Margaret can't feel her tears anymore. She can't feel her hands anymore, her mother's grabbing them so hard until all the blood collects at her fingertips and she can feel them thump with her heartbeat. The mother shoves her down the steps of the basement. Skins her palms, knees, cheeks flaring, blooming. Stands to run back but mother slams the door shut, draws the bolt and screams, why the hell you have to come here? huh? you ruin everything! just look at me now! JUST LOOK AT ME NOW!*

* [partial monologue excerpted from recording of hypnosis session between Dr. Phillip Hubert and and Margaret Harris (November 9th, 1965)]

2.) (1960) Daddy's on the front lawn. He's laying there breathing heavy, handcuffed, big men dragging him up. His eyes are nibbed, poison. Dribbles of blood leaking from his lips. Skinny and nervous. Fingers twitching, plucking like the last, nerveless seizures of smashed bugs. They're dragging momma out the door. She's laughing and squirming. She's got her favorite sunday dress on, the one with the flower print and the lacy sleeves. Her jukebox mouth. Her cluttered eyes. Venom from her fingertips. There are men coming down the basement stairs. Hard-voiced men. Slow and clucking. They talk to her. They say nice things. They say everything's gonna be just fine, just peachy. Her mouth cracks open like the spine of a new book, but all the comes out are moth-words. Sightless, transparent things. Her eyes wide and red. Old, dried up tears and snot. The whole place smelling of crap and rotten food and rats. They carry her out. Her legs are so skinny.

3.) (1975) Walk back from Dr. Hubert's office. It is going to rain. The air smells full of it. A hot, slender ozone rain. She touches the hem of her blouse, her purse, her hair. Nothing. Beggars on the street, reed-boned and duct-taped; they stand holding out mocking fingers. She thinks. She stops. She is in front of a display window for Macy's. She looks at her reflection. Features running together, splotched, hasty. Her eyes stuttering, mouth lipless as a widow's. Reaches out. Fingers touch the glass. But they don't touch the glass. Useless dead tips. She bites her lip. Big girls musn't cry. They musn't. Big girls sit in the dark and hold everything in, hoard all the tears and all the exhausted feelings. Fingers slide down the glass. Leave trails, like slugs. Margaret keeps walking. She walks and walks and walks, until she loses feeling in her toes, too.
Last edited by Kylan on Tue May 12, 2009 2:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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I. Little Things

The children playing barefoot, boys with stripped, pink chests and the girls in the thin, dirty dresses.


Why do you use 'the' to describe the dresses? Are they really specific dresses in comparison to the non-specific 'chests'? =] Maybe 'their' would work better there?

Raped whores. Lying in their yellow motel rooms, making such a stink.


You're my favorite. :)

Lousy, hackled storefronts.


BUT. I don't like how that first setting block was so specific and concentrated while this one roams all around.

Drowsy housewifes carting their screeching babies in strollers, their eyes big and purple, like open fly-traps.


This line is beautiful. I loved the color you added to it (literally), and it seemed like such a beautiful image, especially when compared to the yellow prostitutes earlier. Maybe (but this is only a suggestion), you might focus this second bit on the women in the setting? ^__^ Just an idea to reign it in a bit.

For the other box about the fruit stand. I feel like there's no significance to it, at first, where as the others didn't bother me in that way, but then we get to the line about the bodies falling off of skyscrapers. Is that literal? Is that the hint at how the dad died? Or is that just an image you wanted to put in? If it's more important, I'd try to highlight it just a bit more, maybe make it the focus of that setting piece. If not... I don't really like that last setting piece at all, except for this line:

The city shrugs into itself, rolling, curling, the shells and segments contracting, like some frightened sowbug.


<3

The slim light sneaks in on its belly like a cockroach. Grabs Margaret by the wrists. Pulls her along.


At first this makes it seem like the light is grabbing Margaret by the wrists. I don't know if you wanted that or not, but it does, do that, for a moment.

She can't feel her hands anymore, her mother's grabbing them so hard until all the blood collects at her fingertips and she can feel them thump with her heartbeat.


And this sentence made me gasp, for real, Kylan. =] I loved how you worked this in.

you ruin new york and you screw up my chance at singing and you tunnel through my body like a worm! like a worm!


But this little bit was not so subtle. <_<; I don't know that people really just shout out the reasons their children ruined them -- wouldn't it already be known within the family? Maybe just hint at it more vaguely, Kylan. ^_^

Beggars on the street, reed-boned and duct-taped; they stand like heavy-faced sunflowers, holding out their fingers, mocking.


Okay, the first time I read this, I totally missed the word 'mocking', but the second time I definitely said 'nice' out loud. You need to make it into its own Kylan-sentence, please, to make sure no one else misses it.

Big girls musn't cry. They musn't. Big girls sit in the dark and hold everything in, hoard all the tears and all the exhausted feelings.


See? That's good! Musn't makes me not think of Fergie.

II. Overall

Kylan, this is super beautiful. I loved the premise. I love the way you put it together. It's odd, how I'm going over it and even though it didn't have a solid story line, a temporal flow kind of thing (you know, like normal stories. kind of? -is being stupid?!-), it still had a climax. Well, obviously, you knew that, since you labeled it as such. <__< I just think it's fantastic -- a skill I don't know that I have. =]

I also liked the poetry throughout the whole thing. There's this thing you do, Kylan, that I kind of adore. You leave little breadcrumbs for the readers to pick up on and it makes them feel like they're succeeding at figuring you out. Like, for me, it's been the yellow. Every time I see it, it makes me smile to myself. But also, in this piece, specifically, it was the repetition at the end of the setting pieces. After two, I peeked ahead to see if there was a third and there was! =] So it was like 'yay, I am part of this story now'. Keep doing that. I like it.

There are, however, some things you need to watch for. For example, in the setting, though it's about the setting (I know, obvious, right?), it needs to be a bit more un-setting-y. If all you describe is objects and items, without relating them to at least a bit of action, it becomes really boring. I had to trudge through the third piece, even though it was still fantastically written. It just didn't hold my interest.

Also, try not to over-explain or under-explain things. I felt like I was grasping at some of the points in this piece, while others were handed to me. (read: what happened to the dad & why the mom was mad at the girl)

This piece is poignant and great. At first it seems only weird, because of the premise, but you stuff in the background information and everything gains dimensions. You rock. Do this forever.

Again, PM me with questions or whenever you're ready to pledge your undying love to me.

-Hannah-
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants
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I'm back!

The children playing barefoot, boys with stripped, pink chests and the girls in the thin, dirty dresses.


I'd nix the underlined 'the'

The houses squat around, pale faced as invalids.


I love this sentence!

Sorry, I really didn't feel the need to find the nit-picks because, your work is usually always flawless. But I loved this and I really really love you. Han-chan probably filled you up with sweet words and such, but you can't be full yet. This was really unique and I like the way it felt like a series of vignettes but really it was one big story and the ending was superb. You utilized Margaret's loss of touch well and again, your word choice was superb.

Keep writing, my friend,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Ky! Hannah raced me to review this; little did she know, I wouldn't come around for a few days to finish off my review. HAHA! Though, looking at her review, she didn't look rushed at all.

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The children playing barefoot, boys with stripped, pink chests and the girls in the thin, dirty dresses.

The dresses? Unless there's something specifically special about these dresses, you don't need "the", there.


Raped whores. Lying in their yellow motel rooms, making such a stink.

Well, you just get right to business here, doncha? ;)

Drowsy housewifes carting their screeching babies in strollers,

Housewifes should be housewives, unless you were purposefully putting that in there to sound slang-y, but even still, it's wrong.

His eyes are nibbed, poison.

Nibbed -- nibbed... I don't know quite what you mean here, as I don't know if that's a word and as a

Her mouth cracks open like the spine of a new book, but all the comes out are moth-words.

Oh -- wow! Favorite sentence, by far, wow.

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Phhh.... this was just plain good. Really, really fantastic -- the experimental format you're playing with, this whole script-method of storytelling, is amazing, and I really enjoyed reading it this scattered format. It made it seem... that much more disturbing. Truly, truly.

If there is anything I can comment on, it is perhaps how under-explained a lot of this is -- you can risk to be a little bit more clear about what happens to this family with the actions and the setting, though it can be seen upon reading, I think it would be beneficial for you to make it a little bit more obvious. I think I'm thinking this mainly because scripts are typically straight forward, so it's odd when you combine prose and script -- however very interesting it is.

This is really great Ky, and I suggest submitting it to a literary journal or something. I just found it so exciting.

PM me for anything, sweetheart!

~ Clo
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