Hurt

Im hurt,
You've hurt me again.
Not once, but twice.
I dont even want to call you my friend.

I fell just like a fool
I've fallen for your lies once more.
I want to slap you...
maybe shove you out my door.

All I ever wanted was your love.
not your lies.

My love for you is still here,
but with all the pain.

My heart is broken;
my nerves are shot

When will you realize you cant play with my heart,
it cant be bought.

The next day that i see your face
will probably be the next time I'll fall for you.
But i can't give in,
I won't say i love you too.

even if it might be true...
next time it wont be so easy to give into you.

ok so this is.......iffy? it sucks sort of. but i really like the potential. lol idk it needs help, so comment again!
thanks (:

Alrighty, kaityjay! I see that you've posted some of your work here. Good! More stuff to review, which is good for you, and good for me as well.

Okay, so I've been giving this speech all day while I've been reviewing poetry here on YWS:

I feel that this is familiar; not because I've read this before, but because almost every poem that I go to review has the same concept: lies, deceit, love, loss, emo, pain, hurt, numbness, crying, cutting, suicide, killing, wanting, needing, lusting, etc.. As you can tell, I could go on, but for your sake, I won't.

And, as you can well imagine, it gets tiring after reading fifty poems that sound exactly the same. I'm not saying that your poem is... unoriginal, because to you, it's may be how you feel, or reflect how you feel, or something personal such as that, and I wouldn't dare call that unoriginal because I know how much that hurts. But, I'm just saying that the way it is written seems to be overused.

Now, your poem is among those that I like to call the "You-Hurt-Me-So-I'm-Angry-And-Pissed-Off-But-I-Still-Love-You-Regardless Poems". Not nearly as bad as the emo poems that I've been reading that make my eyes bleed. xD

I don't mean to rip something that you probably worked hard on to pieces, so forgive me if I insult you in any way, and please speak your mind if I do.

So, you begin by saying,

"I'm hurt,
You've hurt me again."

Already, before even reading the rest, I can tell you that this is going to be full of angst, angst, and, what do ya' know? Even more angst! And, I'm pretty sure the word "pain" will pop up somewhere at least once or twice. Point is, you don't want your poem to be predictable. You want it to kind of, take a different turn than expected. Make it pure irony. My definition of irony: the difference between what you think will happen and what actually does happen.

Now, maybe if you didn't start off with the word "hurt", it wouldn't be nearly as predictable. "Hurt" is more of an emo, depressed, oh-dear-god-woe-is-me-I'm-gonna-kill-myself type of word. One of those words that writers are so tired of using but can't seem to find a good substitute, so they use it anyway, boring their readers to tears in the process. Some alternatives to "hurt" are: burn, throb, ache, sting, upset, sadden, devastate, mortify, grieve, harm, damage, impede, undermine. There's loads. I'm sure you can choose one that seems fitting.

Other than the slight overuse of word usage, like pain, hurt, etc.. there's just one slight point I'd like to make: your wording/sentence structure seems a bit... rudimentary... Not to be offensive, again, but there was one sentence in particular that I'd like to point out that just seemed like it had been slopped together; it didn't sound very intelligent or well thought-out.

"I want to slap you...
Maybe shove you out my door..."

See, here. I just think that you could do better. No, I know you can.

Also, I promise, my last point to be made, you do more telling than showing, and the point of writing is to create that picture in our mind, so it's not like we're reading, but we can actually see what you're describing in our minds. You're stanzas leave a lot to be desired. You may think to add some more descriptive words by using a thesaurus, possibly. I always keep one handy.

Well, I think that about raps up my long, boring, unhelpful review. If you feel the need for another one of my ruthless reviews, or if you need anything else, just contact me via PM.

-Melissa

Hello. Welcome.

Now, on to your poem.

Your opening was rather bland. It really didn't paint your emotions too well. It said how you felt all right but you said it in a way that made me aware that you were hurt but I on the other hand can't feel what you feel. It needs more work. Make it more vivid, not just to you but to me as well.

Oh and Im should be I'm. Miiiinor punctuation error.

My love for you is still here,
but with all the pain.

You see, right here you've got an excellent concept for heart-wrenching poetry but instead you state it. Simply, you say it. This could really be worked on and described and painted vividly.

i should be I.

So overall, I think this poem really has great potential. It has really strong emotion and I know you can paint the emotion for your readers well so that even we could see the picture not just the fact of the pain. Welcome again. See you around here.

haha thanks everybody

yeah you guys pretty much said what i thought....it sucks

hahaha no m feelings arent hurt!lol

monki: i love you hehe i dont kno you but...for some reason i do!

yeah most poems are all the same...and i kno i kno...very predictable :0

i was bored in class and had just broken up with my boyfriend of 14 months

so i wasnt really THAT worried about it :0

lol but I'll take it and work on it

thanks again!

KnightlyAngel09: i definitely agree with you...it was pretty bland

haha buuuuut....idk I'll work on it

there are certain lines in there that i like and others that i dont...

thanks for saying it has good potential

kisses you guys! haaah
kaitty

Okay...this isn't exactly a review but please read anyway:
Please (pretty please) don't use chat speak on YWS (not in the forums, we have no control over what you say in PMs). Which is easier to read (and yes, I know the sentence dosn't make sense)
So tomorrow I'm going to go to school before I talk to my friends eventhough...well, I don't know why. Please don't bother me over my decisions.
Or:
so tom. im going 2g2 school b4 i takl to my friends eventho...well i dont no why. Plz dontbother me over my decisions.

See? The first one is much easier. Sorry, but it was really bothering me. I know you're new, so I'm sorry for being mean to you and being all nitpicky on your first day..... I would review your poem to be fair, but everyone else has already beaten me to it.
Sorry...(again)
~MV

uuummm.....

? are you talking about my comment or my poem?

This poem's rythm is a little off, but I enjoyed it anyway. I like the story it tells, it's refreshing to hear someone say how much they hate someone, but can't help but still love them. And you're pain is very well shown throught the poem.
Well done.