Ballet

Okay, this doesn't rhyme, it's just supposed to be deep I guess. Don't shoot the writer! Here goes!! (P.S. I wrote this during math class so it's not too inspired...)

The prima ballerina spins in her never ending dance
Spinning and spinning
Suddenly she springs form her twirl into a dazzling leap
The audience roars, the ballerina has fallen!
Where is her partner? The Prince was supposed to catch his princess!
The ballerina's leg is twisted, it mends but she will never dance again, what a loss!
The swan becomes the ugly duckling once more
Where was her prince?

Hola, Mouse, how are you today? I know how terribly boring it can get in Math class; next time I'll have to try and write a poem during the lecture! Let's take a look here.

The prima ballerina spins in her never ending dance
Spinning and spinning
Suddenlty she springs form her twirl into a dazzling leap
The audience roars, the ballerina has fallen!
Where is her partner? The Prince was supposed to catch his princess!
The ballerina's leg is twisted, it mends but she will never dance again, what a loss!
The swan becomes the ugly duckling once more
Where was her prince?

Alright, so I do agree with you in that this isn't really a poem...yet. However! It has tons of potential to become a poem, if you tweak it and add some more. I think it's a wonderful concept, especially this line:

The swan becomes the ugly duckling once more

That opens up so many doors for the imagination, and it's truly a wonderful analogy. I think you can expand this into at least a stanza (a poetic paragraph) and really explore the conecpt of a swan turning back into the ugly duckling. It's a beautiful phrase!

The part about the Prince not being there when he should have been was nice too; you could really expand that into more than a line, also. In fact! You know what I think this poem needs?

Depth

So, you said it was supposed to be deep. Eh. It certainly has the potential to be deep, but it really isn't deep at all the way you have it now. It's cute. Not really poetic, though, and not really meaningful, but cute.

Your mission: add that depth. Make it all the more poetic. Transform it from cute to inspiring, from okay to fantastic.

How to acheive that depth, though? Here are my suggestions.

--- Add some metaphors and similes.

Or should I say, add another metaphor or simile. You already have the ugly ducking one, which was fantastic. What else can you add by tying in fairytales? You can mention Cinderella's glass shoe. You can mention the Frog Prince. You can mention the Prince disguised as a beast, and put a twist on it-- what if it was really a beast described as a prince?

Working with fairytales is wonderful, because the old Grimm brothers have already done a lot of the work for you. Try to incorporate more of that fantasy, enchanted kingdom kind of fairytale magic into this poem. I think it'll do you a lot of good. In comparing to the already well-known stories out there, we'll be able to relate more to the poem you've written.

--- Rhyme and Rhythm

I don't think this poem really needs to rhyme, and it doesn't need a strict rhythm. That's my opinion, anyway. You can get away with a loose, unstructured poetic form, but that means the actual words, emotions, and content has to be all the more intense. We have to love your words so much that we don't notice the parts where the rhythm is unbalanced.

--- Emotion

This isn't exactly the most passionate poem out there, but I don't think it needs to be. It's telling a story, not pouring out an emotion. Does this mean you can ignore the feelings you're getting across? Absolutely not. Never foget emotions in poetry. I'm just saying that your focus is on a character, not on an emotion the narrator is feeling. Insert that emotion through similes and metaphors, like I said.

Suggestions

The ballerina's leg is twisted, it mends but she will never dance again, what a loss!

This line is my least favorite. Why? Because it's really long. And, it doesn't say anything terribly interesting. Sure, she hurt her leg-- you don't make it sound like a big deal. Perhaps if you told us of the dreams that were crushed beyond repair as her leg was crushed under her weight, then we'd care. But until you add that extra description, that extra pain, your readers aren't going to know what to think.

That last part here, the 'what a loss' sounds almost sarcastic, as if the narrator is happy she hurt herself. You definately don't want it to sound like that. You want us to be sorry for her, not to relish her pain. So, break this line up into smaller parts, and try to inject some of those analogies and descriptive words.

I hope this was helpful! PM me if you need anything. ^^

~Evi

Hey there Mouse! June here! Let's take a look at this.


I like this alot, even though you say that it's not really a poem. It's a nice little snippet about dance, and it has a childish passion feeling to it.

I'm going to point out a few things here, dear.

Suddenlty she springs form her twirl into a dazzling leap

Suddenlty should be suddenly, dear.




- As Evi pointed out, long lines in the middle of normal length ones are somewhat distracting. I know you wrote this in Math class, but it's always nice to follow suit with a style, dear.


- When you revise this, elaborate more on the dance and the setting. As a curious audience, we would love to see more about the dance. We would love to be able to paint an image in our head from what you have given us.


Nice job. Keep writing!

June

First! Read this: http://instruct.westvalley.edu/lafave/hb.html

It's a story, but it's an excellent one and it contains quite a lot of poetry. Consider the lines:

“I shall now select my Empress!” he said, looking down on the cowering people. “Let the first woman who dares rise to her feet claim her mate and her throne!”

A moment passed, and then a ballerina arose, swaying like a willow.

Harrison plucked the mental handicap from her ear, snapped off her physical handicaps with marvelous delicacy. Last of all, he removed her mask.

She was blindingly beautiful.

“Now” said Harrison, taking her hand, “shall we show the people the meaning of the word dance? Music!” he commanded.

The musicians scrambled back into their chairs, and Harrison stripped them of their handicaps, too. “Play your best,” he told them, “and I’ll make you barons and dukes and earls.”

The music began. It was normal at first – cheap, silly, false. But Harrison snatched two musicians from their chairs, waved them like batons as he sang the music as he wanted it played. He slammed them back into their chairs.

The music began again and was much improved.

Harrison and his Empress merely listened to the music for a while – listened gravely, as though synchronizing their heartbeats with it.

They shifted their weights to their toes.

Harrison placed his big hands on the girl’s tiny waist, letting her sense the weightlessness that would soon be hers.

And then, in an explosion of joy and grace, into the air they sprang!

Not only were the laws of the land abandoned, but the law of gravity and the laws of motion as well.

They reeled, whirled, swiveled, flounced, capered, gamboled, and spun.

They leaped like deer on the moon.

The studio ceiling was thirty feet high, but each leap brought the dancers nearer to it. It became their obvious intention to kiss the ceiling.

They kissed it.

Now, read your poem.

Only slightly uninspired?

Be creative. Obviously, this idea of the dance and the fallen dancers has been done before, so you have to delight in your writing and write what is beautiful and right. Also, if she is dancing with a partner, specify it in the beginning. Ballerinas do not have to dance with partners, so for a while I was wondering where this talk of the ballerina's partner came in.

Good luck with revision!