love,

From that first day,
My goal was set
When our eye met
I was like you little pet

Age is just a number
But these number’s are to high
I was broken,
Yet, I wont be just another gambling token


Your like a drug
And I'm an addicted
Its going to be hard to stop
Because I was taught to keep fighting

I break, and break
Yet I’m not ready to stop
I don’t want to give it up
But I love you...

I will fight for my life.
I will fight for the one i love.
I just to be by your side.
Forever and ever.

Your the reason i wake up.
The reason i smile.
The reason i pile on the make up,
Just for the one i love.

Hi farikk,

If you want this poem seriously, please check your work. Swapping between capitalising I and not capitalising i is irritating for the reader. Not to mention the numerous grammar mistakes.

You pursue a contrived rhyme in the first stanza but then abandon it for the rest of the poem. Why?

The lack of real idea, structure or organisation in this "poem" strikes me as it lacking effort or real thought. If you want to write better, I think you should spend more time on your piece.

Good luck!

I have to confess, I agree with Firestarter here (incidently, Jack, did Brad die and make you the new YWS Grouch?...I'm kidding. Really. Don't eat me ). If you really want people to take your poetry seriously, farikk, you do have to try a bit harder to catch the errors before you post, and put a bit more thought into what you're writing.

Just to let you know the sort of thing I'm talking about:

When our eye met
I was like you little pet[/i]

Unless you're talking about two cyclopes, that should be "our eyes" and, incidentally, "you" should be "your."

Age is just a number
But these number’s are to high

There is no apostrophe in the plural of numbers, and "to" should be "too."

Your like a drug
And I'm an addicted

"Your" should be "you're."

If you have trouble catching these errors, I suggest asking a friend with good grammar and spelling skills to read though for you before you post, as it's unfair to expect your reviewers to correct such simple mistakes for you.

As to the poem itself, a few things to remember:

1. Either it rhymes or it doesn't. Half measures only confuse people!
2. Show, don't tell. That means trying to paint a picture that will get your reader to feel along with you, rather than just describing what you're feeling/doing.
3. Cliche poetry sucks. I'm sorry, it's true. We want to hear from you, personally - if we wanted to hear the general opinion on love and loss, we could go and read a greeting card. Next time, don't just go with whatever comes into your head - explore it, play with it, try to find new ways of saying things.

Overall, my biggest recommendation is keep writing, pay a lot more attention both to what you want to say and what you *are* saying, and try to clean up the poem before you post it. And definitely keep reading poetry, either on YWS or in books, because the more you read the more you'll learn what works and what doesn't.

Good luck!

Cheers,
~bubbles

Dear you need to re do this I think,because there are numerous grammatical mistakes.
From that first day,

My goal was set

When our eyes met

I was like your little pet

Age is just a number

But these number’s are to high

I was broken,

Yet, I wont be just another gambling token

I didn't really find any meaning in this stanza.

Your like a drug

And I'm an addicted

Its going to be hard to stop

Because I was taught to keep fighting

Either you write "I'm addicted" or "I'm an addict"



I break, and break

Yet I’m not ready to stop

I don’t want to give it up

But I love you...



I will fight for my life.

I will fight for the one i love.

I just want to be by your side.

Forever and ever.



Your the reason I wake up.

The reason I smile.

The reason I pile on the make up,

Just for the one I love.

Good luck girl,you got the potential,just try and you will succeed.