Rocky Road

So, hello everyone! Haven't posted anything lately...I hope this is a good peice of writing lol who knows?

Chapter 1

The ruby red carousel glistened in the burning sun, spinning around its last time but only I knew that. It was a gorgeous day for a carnival; today couldn’t be better for closing it down. The customers were under the illusion that the carousel would just keep revolving on axis like it always has. The usual routine is that every five minutes, the carousel would start another ride. But soon, I would break that illusion into a million pieces with all my might. It’s going to be hard. I’ve been the master controller of the carousel for years. I’ve watched the same twelve horses, with various individuals sitting on their backs. But, I’ve made up my mind. This minute’s victims included a familiar face. A girl who looked about my age sat gleefully on a pink pony, whose rainbow colored metal tail was turned straight up. Its legs were molded in a stance that transposed the thought that the horse was excited, ready to face the world head on. Its eyes matched its rider; full of love, empty of hatred.
I was jealous of her. I knew the girl well but never told her of my secret invidious nature. Soon, the five minutes were up. I grabbed the matching red lever with my worn yet sinewy fingers and pulled it slowly down. The horses came to a stop and the riders jumped off. It was now time for a five minute break but this time it wouldn’t last five minutes. It would last forever. I tried not to look the girl in the eyes as I grabbed my bag off the ground and dusted the dirt off of it. I inhaled deeply, breathing in the smell of cotton candy and hot dogs. As I placed the strap of my worn messenger bag from ages of use, temptation turned my body around to look at the girl, still sitting on the back of the horse even though the carousel had stopped. She looked confused; her regularly spunky sparkling emerald eyes turned an almost swampy olive color. I could hear her thoughts from the hours we’ve spent together. Don’t do it, Rocky. That’s what she was thinking. But she didn’t say it.
So, I ignored it, turned back around and started towards the exit of the circus I started three years ago and ended today. I walked past the arcade without taking a quarter out of my pocket and the dunking booth without uttering even a small laugh. I walked past the clowns without telling a joke. I walked past all of my creations, looking directly ahead at the sign reading “Rocky’s Carnival of Idealism”. It was an unusual name for a carnival, I know. I learned the word “idealism” in English class where I learn all my vocabulary. I fell in love with the word in seconds. I liked the way it slips off your tongue but over all I love its meaning.

I said goodbye to the sea gulls, soaring above me, wondering where my usual bits of cake are. Finally, I thought as I stroked the rough wood of the entrance. I laid my head on it, looking out at the white abyss of reality. That’s what lied beyond my carnival. Suddenly, a hand grasped my wrist, digging their fingernails into my flesh.
“Rocky,” the voice hissed, “Don’t make me do this.”
I turned around to see the girl, letting out a yelp of pain.
I yanked my wrist back, letting her nails scrape against my arm, creating a trail of blood. I gasped as my arm throbbed and tripped backwards, stumbling over to the ground. The girl’s eyes were no longer any shade of green but as red as the carousel. She started to laugh but then closed her mouth and frowned.
We both looked at each other, wondering our next step. But then, I noticed. I had made it. The sign was in front of me thus I was officially out of the carnival and into reality.
“Too late.” I snarled, letting a grin appear over my face.
The girl snickered, “No, you’re too late. Remember Rocky, I’m the only best friend you’ll ever have. I’m the only one you got.”
Her words ricocheted inside my brain. I shook my head in vain, trying to empty my mind. I quickly got up and ran as fast as I could into the realm of reality, not daring to look back.

Then I woke up. It was all like I remembered. My vision was blurry at first but soon I could make out every detail. I was hooked up a large machine, little wires and tubes were coming out of me. I was in the room alone. The only thing I could hear was the incessant beeping of the equipment around me. The room was unusually small. The bed I was lying on covered nearly half the room. Two chairs sat next to the wall, probably for Mom and Dad to stare at me; whispering words like “C’mon Rochelle, wake up.” I laughed at the thought. As soon as my eyes came to the door, it flew open. A short, wide woman came bustling through the door, shoving past a tall man covered in white. Mom hadn’t changed a bit, I thought as I started to smile. Tears flooded Mom’s face as she started shouting praises to the Lord, her cheeks starting to resemble a chipmunk’s. I flinched as Mom pressed her lips on my forehead, covering her arm over my mouth in the process. I didn’t know if it was tears or spit making my face feel wet. But I couldn’t shake off what made the whole thing so odd. I knew once I came back, Mom would probably be bawling over me just like she was doing now but my stomach felt oozy as Mom kissed my eyes.
“You…you’re….alive. I knew it! How do you feel? Can you talk?” Mom said, looking into my eyes.
The tall man put a hand on Mom’s shoulder, signaling her to back away.
“Look, Dr. Madison, can I just see my baby girl? Give me a minute.” Mom said, with a snarl in her voice. Her face brightened once she looked back at me.
“I need to examine her. She’s probably needing a lot of therapy. She has to relearn how to talk, how to eat.” The man said, already taking out his clipboard.
“I know how to talk.” I said, laughing at the whole scene.
Mom gasped. “But you’ve been in a coma for…for…for…for.” Mom stammered, the tears starting to come back.
I reached over and put a hand on her shoulder. “Its ok, Mom. I’ve been in a coma for—” I was about to say year but stopped myself. That would give my secret away. That this whole thing was planned. I didn’t come out of the coma involuntarily. I was in control and when my year was up, I decided to come back to reality. I thought I was ready to face life again. But I was wrong.

Hi, JC! Sorry for the wait. I wasn't home at all Friday, and Thursday got too chaotic; therefore, I'm gonna procrastinate today. ^_^

Introduction

I think your intro is a huge improvement from the last story I've read by you. You're using good description now, and the setting is just beginning to pop into our minds. I think some more descriptive words to describe the likeness of the carousel would benefit you and the reader. Helps to describe the carousel. They have bright lights at night, multi-colors, a history. You do describe the relation between the horse and the girl, which is very fantastic. It made me really happy to see. ^_^ I heart improvement!

For a brief moment, however, you would tell us the facts but you wouldn't show the facts happening. Here's what I mean:

The ruby red carousel glistened in the burning sun, spinning around its last time but only I knew that. It was a gorgeous day for a carnival; today couldn’t be better for closing it down.

The first part when you describe the setting is very good. ^_^ The wording or format of it could still be played with for a smoother sentence. The sentence after the semi could be better phrased. This is what I think is a tad too telly. If you could hint at it with different words like "...a gorgeous day for other things too" and branch off it. I can't get creative here. Not now anyway. But we know easily the carnival's going to be gone by the end. *hasn't read the whole thing yet*

The customers were under the illusion that the carousel would just keep revolving on axis like it always has. The usual routine is that every five minutes, the carousel would start another ride. But soon, I would break that illusion into a million pieces with all my might. It’s going to be hard. I’ve been the master controller of the carousel for years. I’ve watched the same twelve horses, with various individuals sitting on their backs. But, I’ve made up my mind.

I wonder how the first-person narrator knows the customers were under said illusion? Does he see it in their eyes? Did he eavesdrop? Show us this with an example or how he figured it out. Instead of saying plainly "The usual routine is...every five minutes," add it at the end of the illusion sentence or something. "...even though it goes around for only five minutes."

Realism

This is more on the dialogue part. You have two scenes with dialogue. The MC and the girl, and the end.

MC and Girl: The order and shock of it is no where here, really. xD When the girl grips his wrist, the reader should feel it. How you've written it, there's a huge delay in the pain. The girl grips, a couple lines of dialogue, then the pain. Here's an example from your text, and I'll give my opinions in red. ^_^

Suddenly, a hand grasped my wrist, digging their fingernails into my flesh.

"Suddenly" is a gross word to use. Save it for when you really need it. The description is good here! But this is also where you should put the "yelp of pain" part. The MC should be in even more pain than the reader, so explain this before you move on.

“Rocky,” the voice hissed, “Don’t make me do this.”

Go here for the dialogue rules. Don't should be lowercased because the sentence is continued through the tag.

I turned around to see the girl, letting out a yelp of pain.

This is where the pain is delayed. Describe the appearance of the girl here instead. After sharing how creepy the girl looks now, the MC can yank his hand back to continue the story. This is basically a pause in the story to explain to the reader how the scene looks at this point.

I yanked my wrist back, letting her nails scrape against my arm, creating a trail of blood. I gasped as my arm throbbed and tripped backwards, stumbling over to the ground.

He should be gasping for the pain in the beginning too. Sure, his arm is still throbbing, but it didn't start throbbing when she let go. The tripping was very good though, and the nail-scraping was too. Just keep in mind the order of things and how they appear when you write them.

End

The ending is a bit unrealistic, but I'm making it its own topic because it's the end of this chunk/story, depending on if you're continuing it. I'll put my comments in red:

“You…you’re….alive. I knew it! How do you feel? Can you talk?” Mom said, looking into my eyes.

Mom needs to sound more frantic and worried. Plus, her entrance was too perfect of timing. xD Unless that's part of this weird kid's ability thing: to wake up as soon as her mom comes in.

The tall man put a hand on Mom’s shoulder, signaling her to back away.

“Look, Dr. Madison, can I just see my baby girl? Give me a minute.” Mom said, with a snarl in her voice. Her face brightened once she looked back at me.

[color=red]Her face won't brighten when she looks at her kid's. She'll look worried again. Or anxious. And again, make her more anxious. Slur her words together, have her talk super fast, etc. We need to feel her anxiety wafting from her.

“I need to examine her. She’s probably needing a lot of therapy. She has to relearn how to talk, how to eat.” The man said, already taking out his clipboard.

“I know how to talk.” I said, laughing at the whole scene.

Check Snoink's article again for this. ^_~

Mom gasped. “But you’ve been in a coma for…for…for…for.” Mom stammered, the tears starting to come back.

This doesn't sound realistic? If my mom would respond, she wouldn't retort. She would just go along with it until I felt better and "could understand more".

I reached over and put a hand on her shoulder. “Its ok, Mom. I’ve been in a coma for—” I was about to say year but stopped myself. That would give my secret away. That this whole thing was planned. I didn’t come out of the coma involuntarily. I was in control and when my year was up, I decided to come back to reality. I thought I was ready to face life again. But I was wrong.

[color=red]This is an odd ability she has. XD But! Going along with it (:wink:), I think taking out the sentence where she stands that she didn't come out of the coma involuntarily should be taken out. The reader already assumes this when she mentions giving away her secret.

This is more shaping your characters, the mom specifically. If it was a real, injured person, Mom wouldn't bombard the kid with information. Think if you replaced the mom with your mom or someone else's mom? What would they do in a situation like this?

By the sounds of it, you're going to continue this. I hope you do. It's a very interesting idea! I've never thought of someone who could control comas. Very interesting. I hope this story goes well for you! What happened to that fantasy of yours? ^_^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!