lucyy wrote:Frost covered the grass, giving it a silver sheen under the dimly lit streetlights. I had managed to find myself some small black shoes, so my feet were protected from the bitter ice that swathed the pavements. Not that I would have been able to feel it.
You have a tense shift mid-paragraph which makes the last two sentences sound awkward. I also agree that the transition to the narrator's mind was a bit abrupt. Consolidating the first sentence of this paragraph with most of the second and consolidating all the "I" sections of the second paragraph with the last two sentences of this first one ought to make the transition more smooth.
lucyy wrote:But not guilty enough to defy my body of what it craves.
Just the right amount of ominous. I like.
lucyy wrote:Rising to my feet, I brushed down my nondescript clothes – a jumper and jeans, picked to ensure that I blended in – and made my way over to the small pub.
I think it flows better rearranged like so.
lucyy wrote:“Yes, thank you.” I gave her a curt smile, passed over a crumpled note, grabbed my drink and walked over to a vacant table and chair next to a small window. I pushed the glass away with disgust; I didn’t know how any human could drink it, the liquid smelt foul and bubbles were rising from the bottom of the glass to then settle on top of it in some kind of foam. I mean, what the hell is that all about?
Nice bit of characterization here. n_n
lucyy wrote:“Do you want to make your friends jealous?” I whispered, leaning towards him. Before he even had time to answer, I pressed my lips against his, and like any other testosterone fuelled male he responded with enthusiasm, parting my mouth and jabbing his tongue inside. It took all my strength to stop myself from gagging. I took solace in the fact that he would be dead soon.
And here, too. I adore well-done characterization. X3
lucyy wrote:Rolling my eyes at his stupidity I surveyed the village around me: it was dark and empty. No one could see us now. I chuckled darkly and grabbed hold of his hands, pulling them away from my waist and twisting them behind his back.
“Ow,” he protested.
I always revel in their pain so I twisted his arms back even more so they were in danger of popping out. I rested my chin on his neck and muttered bleakly, “You’re a fool, human. You should never have listened to your mates; they’ve all just cost you your life. You see, I’m pretty thirsty at the moment and that’s kind of bad for you.” I released one of his arms and carefully traced the beating pulse in his neck down to his heart. I laid my hand on it and listened to the steady pumping his heart made. But its beats were numbered.
Whenever another character speaks/acts, there should be a new paragraph. Also, "he protested" all by itself is very weak. How does Peter protest? Does he fidget? Does he try to break her grip?
"I always revel in their pain so I twisted" reads a bit awkwardly due to the discrepancy in the tenses. "Reveling in his pain, I twisted" works better.
lucyy wrote:And then I bit him; drank his blood until he could breathe no more. Until he was dead.
How many humans had I killed now? I’d lost count.
I liked the "Until he was dead" part. It really emphasized how serious she was. And the last paragraph paints such a bleak picture of how she sees things. Again, lovely characterization.
Overall, I love how you portray this vampire. It's refreshing to see a vampire who is a killer, acknowledges it, and still goes on killing anyway to survive. n_n After all, why should a vampire feel remorse for something that comes naturally to it?
Well, I hope my comments/critique were helpful.
