Runaway Chapter 5

Hi! Lucy here! Just wanted to say that I want you chaps to be as harsh as you like. I'm preparing this for publishing, and I need all the help I can get! Be as harsh and nit-picky as you like! (I need it )


Jayson knew he was in for it. He had talked back to Livertongue. He knew he wasn’t going to get away with it. He had fun doing it though. He remembered the kids that were there, clapping and cheering for him. He felt so proud, walking past those kids. He was a common hero. Some of the older kids had put him on their shoulders and marched around outside, shouting his name and cheering. He had to be more wary now though. Livertongue had taken Jackson’s maps and he needed them back or he would fail Jackson. He didn’t want to do that. It would show that he was incapable of doing things on his own. He paid more attention to where she went, but she revealed no facts on where she hid the maps. He started to feel discouraged. He felt like he had let Jackson down. Then, the light bulb came on in his head; Livertongue probably hid the maps in her office, a place only she and adoptive parents went. Jayson had to find a way to get in there. He racked his brains, trying to think like Jackson did. He had the perfect plan. He went to go talk to Peter.
Peter was sitting in his room, playing with a paddle ball. Jayson came in and told his plan to him. Peter listened closely with a grin on his face.
“Wow Jayson, that’s a brilliant plan. I’m in!”
They discussed for a little bit and Jayson moved to the next room. He got a lot of kids to help him. Then the tricky part came, doing it.
All the kids were crowded in Jayson’s room, waiting for him. Jayson walked in, but didn’t get very far. He looked around and smiled. This was going better than planned.
“All right everybody! Listen to me,” Jayson shouted. “You all know what you’re supposed to do. If it works, Livertongue will never know who broke into her office. Are you with me?”
Jayson was greeted with a loud cheer.
“Quiet down! Shush, she’ll hear us! Stick to the plan and everything will go just fine.”
All the kids filed out of his room, whispering with excitement. Jayson got some paper clips off his desk and bent them out. Jackson had taught him how to lock pick and now he was going to put his skill to work. Just in case Livertongue locked her door. Jayson was so good; he could pick a door in about thirty seconds. He put the picks and his pocket knife in his pocket and walked out of his room. The dinner bell rang and everyone rushed downstairs. Peter shouted to Jayson as he rushed by.
“Good luck Jayson! You’ll need it.”
Jayson just smiled in return. He was scared to death. What if everything went wrong? What if he or someone else got hurt? He had to take the risk, because if he didn’t, their escape could be inevitable. He had to do this for Jackson. He ran down the stairs to face a great success, or his doom. He shuddered at the though, Liver tongue snarling at him, threatening him. Or worse, she could send him to a different orphanage. He cleared those thoughts out of his mind. He didn’t need to worry about that, not right now.
Jayson entered the cafeteria and got his dinner. Peter waved at him, indicating that he and the kids around him were ready. He walked over to him and sat down. Peter was pretending to eat and talked to Jayson as secretly as he could.
“Jayson, are you sure you don’t want me to do it? I smuggle more than you, if you’re avoiding your guilty conscience.”
“What makes you think I’m avoiding my guilty conscience? Maybe I’m just trying to relax, or some sort of evasive thinking.”
“Didn’t mean to bother you, sorry. Uh oh, keep your voice down, here comes Livertongue.”
Peter and Jayson bend their heads over their food. Mrs. Livington walked past, scowling as usual. They smiled at each other and Jayson got up to leave. As he got up, he scraped his food onto Peter’s plate. He didn’t seem to mind. Jayson walked out of the cafeteria and hid by the door frame. He leaned over and gave Peter the thumbs up. This is where the fun would begin.

This is pretty awesome!!!!


I love this one too!

You just keep gettting better.
One thing I noticed is that I'm quite like Jayson at times.
Getting into the oddest situations.

But, hey, what can you expect from a teenager?

All I see as a problem here, are a few typos here and there.

Keep writing, pwease:]

Nice story you have here.

Sorry I only just saw this posted! I like this part, it's getting even more exciting I'm so glad you have posted the next chapter

He had fun doing it though.

Throughout the first paragraph I thought you used 'he' to start sentences a lot, I'd try to work on rephrasing them so it isn't repeated as much. Here's an example of a sentence that could be changed, maybe being written as 'It had been fun being able to say what he thought for once though.' which also gives more detail to 'it'.

He remembered the kids that were there, clapping and cheering for him. He felt so proud, walking past those kids. He was a common hero.

I think you might need 'had' before 'felt' and I'd maybe change the second or first 'kids' so you are not repeating it- maybe something like 'walking past them and listening to their shouts and woops of appreciation.'

It would show that he was incapable of doing things on his own.

Just a suggestion but maybe 'prove' would be better here than 'show'

Then, the light bulb came on in his head;

I'd maybe say 'a' light bulb and instead of 'came on' I think you could say something to describe the action more, like 'flashed on'.

He racked his brains, trying to think like Jackson did. He had the perfect plan. He went to go talk to Peter.

I think 'brains' should just be 'brain' And I'd also maybe add in another sentence or two here to show when he achieved the perfect plan like 'Then it hit him' or something about a thought flashing up in his head as you kind of jump from thinking to already knowing what he is going to do. I think you can say something better than 'he went to go' to describe the action, like 'He left to search for Peter and tell him of what he had in mind.'

Jayson came in and told his plan to him.

This is not telling the reader much of what happened, I think you could extend it a lot more to include details and Peter's reaction and what the room was like etc... basically lots of pieces of information to set the scene.

All the kids were crowded in Jayson’s room

I think 'in' might be better as 'into' here.

Jayson walked in, but didn’t get very far.

Why? Because it was so crowded? I'd extend upon this sentence to include the reason why more clearly.

Jackson had taught him how to lock pick and now he was going to put his skill to work. Just in case Livertongue locked her door.

I think this should all be one sentence with a comma instead of a full stop

everyone rushed downstairs. Peter shouted to Jayson as he rushed by.

I'd change one of the 'rushed' here so you are not repeating it, maybe 'dashed past' for the second one or something like that.

He had to take the risk, because if he didn’t, their escape could be inevitable

this would mean that they would definitely be able to, do you mean impossible? I'd also maybe change 'could' to 'would' just to make it more dramatic

He shuddered at the though, Liver tongue snarling at him, threatening him.

I think 'though' should be 'thought' and I'd maybe add 'of' on the end too instead of the comma.

Peter was pretending to eat and talked to Jayson as secretly as he could.

'whilst talking' might be better here than 'and talked' and maybe 'discreetly' would be better here than 'secretly'

I smuggle more than you, if you’re avoiding your guilty conscience.”

I'd add something in here about him offering to do it instead after 'I smuggle more than you' like 'so I could do it' just to link that point back to what he is proposing.

Peter and Jayson bend their heads over their food.

I think 'bend' should be 'bent' here.

As he got up, he scraped his food onto Peter’s plate. He didn’t seem to mind.

Who didn't seem to mind? I think you need to specify here, and wouldn't more food be good anyway? If the food is horrible I would add a description in somewhere so this makes more sense.

Overall: I am really enjoying how your story is developing and can't wait to find out what happens next!

I pointed out some overall things in my comment in chapter four and basically the same thing applies here, as I mentioned in the nitpicks you start a lot of sentences with 'he' and I think you could arrange them differently to prevent this happening- it shouldn't take too long just some minor adjustments I also think you could connect a few of them as at first they seemed a bit awkward and short. The same as I have talked about previously with replacing some words with better ones I think could still be done here, like 'got' and 'went' and 'walked' (although walked can be gotten away with quite a lot too much of it makes the action seem not very interesting)- they really don't offer much to the reader in showing how they are moving. Here's an example-

He got a lot of kids to help him.

Here you could add so much more in about how he got other kids to help him, what he did, how they reacted, how the news was spread and in general how they all felt. Sometimes I think you could be more specific instead of saying things like 'some', at some points I think you have done really well in this for instance when you say that he could pick a lock in about thirty seconds, I'd also apply this more to other parts of your story so you are either saying a number or being a bit less vague with perhaps 'a couple' or 'a few'.

You have also skimmed over a couple of things that are going on, like when he talks to Peter and when he explains the plan to everyone, I think you have done well in showing his own thoughts but more action and describing what is going on around him would really help the reader to visualise the story

I am still loving the plot though! I would like to maybe know a bit more on what Jackson is doing at this point and Tyson but as this part is quite short it is not completely necessary. Maybe Jayson could think of them or how he will meet them or explain what he has done to bring them back into the picture? I liked the part where you mentioned about trying to think like Jackson but maybe some more on relating what would happen after the plan would be completed would be good too As always all my comments are just suggestions, hope I've helped!