Fae

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I just came up with this for a contest I was thinking about entering (Fairies and Elves: tales of magic and myth) but I've never entered one before so I'm not exactly sure if I'm going along the right lines or not. The preference was for tragedy and such so that's kind of what I was going for here. What do you guys think? Good for a start? Oh, and if it completely sucks, sorry about that. I've been really busy lately so this probably isn't my best ^^;

“Wretched, vile, over-reaching mongrels!
"It’s one thing to have to share a forest with the vulgar creatures, but how can the Council possibly expect us to live with them?” Sarai demanded, imbedding such venom and fury in the words that, on any other creature, the action would have been considered almost snarling. I sat, quietly listening from my spot on the ground against a nearby tree to her ranting. In truth, I was more mesmerized by the expressions flitting across her sculpted face than I was in what she was saying, but I was helped along by the soft, alluring sound of her voice. Faeries, it was rumored, were distant cousins to the Sirens, and I found myself undoubtedly believing that tale as I was wrapped up in Sarai’s velvet words, encased within their quiet, thundering pitches.
“Honestly, Daven,” she continued, sending a thrill through me as she said my name, “It’s ridiculous! Elves are the most despicable, common place, filth that ever dared to call itself Mythical. But would the Council listen to us? No! ‘The Elves are respected members of the magickal community’, they said. ‘The Elves have made significant contributions to our society’…What fools! Blind and senile with age—you’d think they’d retire already and let the next generation take control, but no, not those greedy, power hungry dragons. They’d be lost without their precious Decrees!” Sarai paced back and forth, working her pent up emotions out physically as she did verbally. Her delicate, sky blue feat danced across the grass, barely stirring a blade as they twirled back and forth.
“‘The time of old prejudices is gone.’” she scoffed. “Old prejudices! Can you believe it? Eons ago, they would have come crawling to us for guidance. But now, with there dear Elves are here? Not a chance! Our knowledge and prophecies mean nothing to them. We’ve been cast down, and in favor of what? A race of worthless, arrogant, upstarts that don’t even know the meaning of Magick!” Sarai’s perfect brow furrowed and her translucent, diamond wings began to beat the air, sending tiny gusts of wind throughout the small clearing. I snapped out of my daze, reading the familiar signs that her already foul mood was taking a turn for the worse.
“I know, I know,” I cooed as soothingly as I could. I stood and approached the fluttering beauty, once again awe-struck at her flawlessness. I was convinced that it would never cease to amaze me that such a marvelous creature existed, let alone one that I could call mine. My arm found itself wrapping around her, resting in the small of her back just below her glimmering wings, while my other hand caressed the soft skin of her cheek. “It’s insulting. The Elves have no right to live in the Hollow,” I murmured, naming the capital city of the Magical Realm. “The Council has gone soft with the centauries and the Elves have won them over for the time being. But, my love, they won’t last. Just as you predicted, the Council will eventually tire of their novelty and return, begging, back to your race.” I chose my words with great care—quoting them from her own past rants—and prayed that they were the right ones. They hung heavy with anticipation in the air around us as I stared into her wide, glittering eyes. The liquid jade pools glared back at me, sparkling with indignation, before slowly closing. A long suffering escaped her full lips and I silently applauded myself for my victory.
Sarai moved into my embrace and I could feel her small body still trembling with her emotions. “It’s just so unfair, Daven.” she mumbled into my chest. “I feel as if I’m the only one left with reason. Mara hardly ever deigns to speak with me these days and I’m worried that she might be considering something foolish.” My eyes widened at the news—Mara, the Fae Queen, had always favored Sarai, ever since she had arrived at her court at the age of eleven. She’d treated Sarai like the daughter she’d never had for the past nine years, caring for her almost as much as I did. What could have caused her sudden change of heart?
“I’m sure it’s just stress.” I said, stroking a hand through Sarai’s long, sapphire hair, reveling in the wondrous texture; woven water, blended with the finest Dragon spun silk. Goddess, I loved her. Everything about her captivated me; her passion, the sound of her laughter when ever something pleased her, the way she whispered my name when we were alone, the way her eyes glimmered with mischief when she thought no one was looking. And what made all the more wonderful was that she felt the same of me, regardless that I was just a run of the mill human Apprentice. There was nothing to stop us from spending the rest of our lives together. “Don’t worry. Everything will go back to normal. We just have to wait.”
The words had barely left my lips when the biting edge of a blade plunged mercilessly into my back.




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No reviews! That's no good! Let's fix this...

For the most part, this is very good. This line of dialogue was a bit awkward to read:

Just as you predicted, the Council will eventually tire of their novelty and return, begging, back to your race.


The issue is the phrase "novelty and return". Initially, I thought you meant "their novelty and return", as if 'return' was a noun. Reword that sentence a bit and this will be great.

Other than that, everything seemed to be going well...and then the ending.

The ending was sudden and surprising, which can be quite effective if done well. I am quite sorry to say that it was not.

Don't get me wrong, the story was told well, but the ending seemed to just cut it off - everything was developing, and suddenly, it just ended. The motivation behind Sarai's action is completely ignored, first of all. Also, this entire conflict is left completely by the wayside as she murders Daven, leaving the reader feeling cheated, thinking something along the lines of "I just read ten paragraphs of a woman ranting about elves just to see her murder a dude."

I would recommend that you prolong the story - perhaps mention Daven noticing Sarai acting strangely in the moment instead of killing him off - as if she planned to murder him then, but couldn't go through. Then, you can continue with the conflict and develop things more. You can then give the story depth and excite the reader. Sarai can still murder Daven if that's what you want to do, but you have to offer some foreshadowing. Not so much that it's predictable, but the reader has to think something like "Oh, that's why she was acting weird."

I think you have potential with this piece, and in general - you're a great writer. Work on the ending a bit, and this will be a superb piece.




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Thanks for your critique! I really appreciate it! But, sadly, this means I messed up pretty badly when I wrote it because I wasn't trying to make it look Sarai killed him--They were actually ambushed ^^;; I just wanted to make sure the first part of it was going along good before I went any further with it. Thanks for pointing that out and the dialogue bit. Now I know what to go back and work on :D




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Alright, so she didn't kill him...

I think what gave me that impression started with her character - she seems rash enough to do something like that. Second of all, he seemed more like a person who stands there and recites comforting wordsn than a husband.

If you choose to enter only this much of the story, perhaps have Sarai killed first so it's obvious she's not responsible for Daven's death.




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Its really good, sometimes there is a bit too much description. At least i find sometimes the reader wants to envision the character themselves also it enables more of a connection (character-reader) if they can relate better by say 'this character has blond hair like me' for example. Also you shouldn't repeat the same word twice in the same sentence at least. Try to space it out more and also it kind of gets the grammatical mind working more than it already is by trying to find a different word that will relay the same meaning. Other than that its good and i can't wait for more (hopefully there is). By the way i love the shocking ending that makes you want to keep reading. :shock:
:D
-Lotte




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Well, you got me hooked from the start. I must say that there's nothing better than a chick running off hot-headed and swearing uncontrollably. You get a real sense of what a person is like that way.

As far as the rest goes, I enjoyed a lot of it, but I think you need to break up the dialogue a bit. To have a huge chunk of speech and then a huge chunk of inner-monologue is off-putting and I think it would be better served in smaller bites. Also, there are a few spelling and grammar issues you may want to look into =)
Daven seems to be rather star-struck throughout the story, I'd love to know more about him, not just his emotions for Sarai.
And as was already mentioned, The ending was incredibly sudden! It could be worked in very well with a bit more information.

This is a great beginning, I hope you do well in the competition and that some of this advice has helped *grins*
"Sleep, and I'll meet you on the Dreamside."



The reason a boat sinks isn't the water around it. It sinks when water gets into it. Don't let what's happening around you weigh you down.
— dalisay