Iron Gate - Novel

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IRON GATE

April 29, 5795
Iron Gate, Titan
Extracted from the journal of Col. Knox

I have been stationed at Iron Gate for six months now, occasionally holding off Seleniun attacks. I am not sure why I am here, but General Flicouskie said I was the best of the best and then shipped me off to this measly excuse for a moon. He said I would be needed, but currently all I have been doing is shining my magna-boots and cleaning my laser rifle after target practice. Oh, did I mention I am only 15? So any ways, I am stuck here on this hell hole with a Reaper 3000 semiautomatic laser rifle, scorching the Seleniun's collective asses and having a good time doing it.


Well, I finally know why I am here, tonight I had watch from 22:00 to 04:00 with a few of the guys, while everyone else had rest period. As duly noted in the watch log, at 23:00 I noticed an eruption in Rocky Nolle Cove, about 10 kilometers away; the alarm bells were sounded as the Seleniun were attacking with more and more regularity, and the cove friggen EXPLODED for gods sake! A task force was sent to investigate the strange happening, and as I was "the best of the best", I was sent to lead the group. A standard task force mainly consists of a leader/pilot, a tactical expert, a medical expert, a weapons expert, a grease monkey, a communications person; and of course, an assortment of misfits and outcasts that like to call themselves soldiers (they are pretty good generally... but keep that fact between you and me.)
Upon reaching the cove on some hover sleds, we discovered that ALL of the liquid nitrogen in it had evaporated completely, and a large force shield generator which we had not previously detected was holding the sea of nitrogen back.
Now, while this was very odd, it was nothing compared to what was coming next...

Upon reaching the cove and discovering that it was dry as a sun baked bone ( I'm originally from Texas...) we (or at least I) were quite perplexed to see the floor of the cove recede a little, then slide to the left until it was out out of site; now here comes the part that's really interesting. Upon the floor disappearing, a large, deep vibrating HUMMMMMMMM filled the air, and even though we were in space suits... man... you could FEEL that hum. Shortly thereafter, the sleek, silver chrome lines of a space cruiser/battleship hybrid became visible in the growing darkness. As the platform the ship was resting finished rising from the hidden base in the bottom of the cove, massive floodlights burst forward from the darkness allowing us to see the ship in all its glory. Painted on the tail of the ship in electric blue, were four symbols, it simply said "LDX-1". As soon as I read that, I knew that ship was special, mainly because X-1 series ships are experimental ships, the first in their class, and also, the LD class ships (standing for their Light Drive engines) are the most reliable in the United Planet's fleet, so a new class of LD ships could only mean that they were massively upgraded. As it turned out, I was never more right. I immediately told my communications officer to begin listening on all frequencies for incoming transmissions. We were not surprised to soon hear a simple message that carried a lot of meaning, the message simply said "Broadcasting from the LDX-1 on revolving frequencies, do you read me Col. Knox?" This message may seem like nothing, but it told us two things, one: they knew who I was, and two: the voice was General Flicouskie's voice... and that was big, he never leaves Earth, unless it was bad, really bad. As it turned out, we were largely underestimating the problem, but my team and I knew one thing, they must be pretty damn crazy, or really desperate, to want us crackpots for a mission big enough to get General Flicouskie off Earth.
We quickly replied to the message saying, "Yes, we read you loud and clear." General Flicouskie told us to head back to base and pack our gear, and to "Tell Brigadier General Jameson that we were being transferred to the LDX-1 for operation shield.," whatever that was!
As soon as we had packed up our gear and stopped our weapons expert from taking every available weapon with him (I promised that there will be bigger and better guns onboard the ship), we reported to Jameson that we were being called away on some other tour of duty; it was sad to go, every man and woman on this base were like sisters and brothers to us all. As we left, we heard over the intercoms in our suits, a farewell salute, and as we listened, a rocket lit up the sky with a flash, a final good bye, our final memory of the doomed base called Iron Gate, Titan. (It later turned out that the rocket actually shot down a cloaked seleniun ship…)

My team climbed down a crude staircase that had been hewn into the rock to reach the launch pad for the ship. As the gang plank slowly extended down to the ground, the realization of what was really happening suddenly hit us, this is war, real war, not just some sniping game where we sit in a safe, secure base and take potshots at little alien buggers. We could be killed out there!

Once we had climbed aboard the ship, the gangplank was quickly withdrawn, and all hatches were closed in preparation for the jump through the light tunnel. As soon as we were on board, the general brought us into a fancy new de-briefing room, which was certainly an upgrade compared to the standard hard backed chairs and 3-d projector they have in the original LD class ships! I mean, this room was like a lounge; there was quiet breakbeat electronic music playing in the background, gel filled adaptive chairs with optional back massagers and leg warmers, a mini-fridge, and the projector was a Holo-Pro™, the best projector ever produced by the human race; not to mention surround sound with 500 audio channels! Anyways, as soon as we could actually pay attention to the de-briefing instead of the room, we learned that we were in deep shit if we didn't do something fast; the gist of what we were hearing is this: the seleniun had been sending out small fleets of warships to stress us out and make us venerable to attack; they had finally deemed that if they attacked now, success would be theirs (A.K.A. wiping out the human race), so, we were told by General Flicouskie that “You have two weeks at the outside to find the ten shield generators that are spoken of in the books of our past, and put one on the magnetic pole of each of the five planets.”
It was a big job, and we thought that we could do it, but we had just one question to ask first:
“General, what ship will we be using for this mission?”
“Why, you’ll have full command of the LDX-1 for this mission; for that reason Col. Knox, I’m promoting you to captain of this ship.”
“But sir, won’t you be staying along on board?”
“No, I have work to do back on earth, like keeping the president from hyperventilating too much!”
And with that, General Flicouskie stood up, said farewell, and walked to the portal room for a trip back to earth.

As my ranking officers and I sat gaping at each other, I finally was able to say one word, which of course was: “SWEET!” the tension broken, we all started laughing, partially out of how cool this was, and partly because we were scared half to death, and laughing made it seem just a little bit better.













Chapter 2

As soon as General Flicouskie had left, I told the pilot “move into orbit around Saturn, and wait for further instructions”. As soon as we were stationed safely in orbit, My crew and I explored the ship, and noticed a few cool upgrades that were not immediately visible to the eye; such as: the main cannon was re-engineered to have twice the firing rate, and ten times the power, the light drive engine could plot out a portal’s end point fifty times as quickly, and the shields had five times as much defense power.




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Hey! I really liked the story, it was funny and interesting. You did a great job on it! Now, here are some ways I think could make better!

You should pick a langue, because right now you're a mix of upper-class\irish and modern day english. Chose slang or upper class.
You wrote upon twice, one sentence after the other, change one of those [even if you do chose upper-class\irish,try not to repeat the same words too much.], or both of them- if you're planning on choosing a langue it's the kind of thing that needs changing.
I laughed half way through, it was really funny, and it gave a nice perspective! Way to go!
IT WAS SHORT.
Everything was under described, except the LDX-1, [nice names by the way!! Light Drive, awsome!!] I like long descriptions and knowing what is happening, so I might just be talking about my favorite writting style here.
It's really good as it is, I just think that telling the main charachter's mind more often would be best. Talk a bit more about appearances, I don't know what the main charachter looks like, or his name! Or if he's even a HE! Work on that.
Umm, let's see... I think you have too much crammed into one chapter. Let me know the character first, then let me know abou this life, then go on with the plot! I think it could really help.
For a first timer it looks very good, and even if you weren't a first timer, it still looks good.
The tips I gave you are just my suggestions- you don't have to use them, I just think they'd help.
Thanks for reviewing me!
ofir
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow




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ofir wrote:You should pick a langue, because right now you're a mix of upper-class\irish and modern day english. Chose slang or upper class.
ofir


What I was kind of going for with that was to show that he was brought up well, but the stress of war and the relative aloneness that you get from being on a base with only about one hundred people, causes even the best of us to reduce their linguistic skills a little bit, because slang is quicker to say in a battle, but James knox also wishes to continue speaking properly, as an example for his men.

an update to the chapter you just read will be up soon.

The reason I crammed so much into one chapter was to make the reader FEEL what was happening, in real time. All this didn't happen in a few days in the book, it happened in around 45 minutes, so I wanted to express the urgency of the situation to the reader.

I hope this makes the book clearer, and the update to the chapter will show all of this without needing a paragraph extra. :D

Cheers, Yamar




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yamar wrote:
ofir wrote:You should pick a langue, because right now you're a mix of upper-class\irish and modern day english. Chose slang or upper class.
ofir


What I was kind of going for with that was to show that he was brought up well, but the stress of war and the relative aloneness that you get from being on a base with only about one hundred people, causes even the best of us to reduce their linguistic skills a little bit, because slang is quicker to say in a battle, but James knox also wishes to continue speaking properly, as an example for his men.

an update to the chapter you just read will be up soon.

The reason I crammed so much into one chapter was to make the reader FEEL what was happening, in real time. All this didn't happen in a few days in the book, it happened in around 45 minutes, so I wanted to express the urgency of the situation to the reader.

I hope this makes the book clearer, and the update to the chapter will show all of this without needing a paragraph extra. :D

Cheers, Yamar


Just a thought, but what you could do is make it so that he speaks upper class around certain people, while utilizing slang when around fellow comrades. Like I said, it's just a suggestion, but it could be worth a try.
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very good idea, thanks! I will incorporate that into the story, and it actually works very well for a part of the book that I have planned. :D

Cheers, Yamar




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This story was pretty cool. It has the potential to become a big, epic adventure. I'm not much of a grammar geek so I'm not going to dwell on those problems. However, I do have one small criticism.

In the beginning, you stated that all the character had been doing was shining his magnetic boots and polishing his laser gun or something. However, a couple sentences later you say that he is scorching the aliens' asses and having a good time doing it. This is a conflict; is he bored or active? One sentence states that he isn't really doing anything, but the next sentence conflicts with this. I think you should cut that alien asses sentence, so that the first action he really gets is discovering the space ship.

That was probably really confusing, but I'm rushing here.

Anyways, can't wait to read more!
I have a P.h.D. in awesomeness!




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ok, I've fixed most of the parts that needed fixing, and if it doesn't make sense now, it probably will become clear within a few chapters. The one major exception is the language issue, that is going to need a special event to clarify that; and the event will later on in the book start a chain reaction that will practically hand me my next book.

Ok, here is the book updated.

(p.s. hope you like it!)


IRON GATE

April 29, 5795
Iron Gate, Titan
Extracted from the journal of Col. James Knox

I have been stationed at Iron Gate for six months now, occasionally holding off Seleniun attacks. I am not sure why I am here, but General Flicouskie said I was the best of the best and then shipped me off to this measly excuse for a moon. He said I would be needed, but currently all I have been doing is blasting Seleniun back to wherever they came from. Oh, did I mention I am only 15? So any ways, I am stuck here on this hell hole with a Reaper 3000 semiautomatic laser rifle, scorching the Seleniun's collective asses and having a moderately good time doing it. The battles are taking a toll on me, I looked into the mirror a few days ago, and saw the bags under my eyes from stress, and that my once good looking brown hair was shaggy and crumpled despite brushings. I used to have a girlfriend back on earth, but I don’t even think she'd recognize me now, I’ve grown taller, and faster, but I look like I’m forty, I even found a gray hair in my scraggly beard.


Well, I finally know why I am here, tonight I had watch from 22:00 to 04:00 with a few of the guys, while everyone else had rest period. As duly noted in the watch log, at 23:00 I noticed an eruption in Rocky Nolle Cove, about 10 kilometers away; the alarm bells were sounded as the Seleniun were attacking with more and more regularity, and the cove friggen EXPLODED for gods sake! A task force was sent to investigate the strange happening, and as I was "the best of the best", I was sent to lead the group. A standard task force mainly consists of a leader/pilot, a tactical expert, a medical expert, a weapons expert, a grease monkey, a communications person; and of course, an assortment of misfits and outcasts that like to call themselves soldiers (they are pretty good generally... but keep that fact between you and me.)
Upon reaching the cove on some hover sleds, we discovered that ALL of the liquid nitrogen in it had evaporated completely, and a large force shield generator which we had not previously detected was holding the sea of nitrogen back.
Now, while this was very odd, it was nothing compared to what was coming next...

Once we reached the cove and discovered that it was dry as a sun baked bone ( I'm originally from Texas...) we (or at least I) were quite perplexed to see the floor of the cove recede a little, then slide to the left until it was out out of site; now here comes the part that's really interesting. Upon the floor disappearing, a large, deep vibrating HUMMMMMMMM filled the air, and even though we were in space suits... man... you could FEEL that hum. Shortly thereafter, the sleek, silver chrome lines of a space cruiser/battleship hybrid became visible in the growing darkness. As the platform the ship was resting finished rising from the hidden base in the bottom of the cove, massive floodlights burst forward from the darkness allowing us to see the ship in all its glory. Painted on the tail of the ship in electric blue, were four symbols, it simply said "LDX-1". As soon as I read that, I knew that ship was special, mainly because X-1 series ships are experimental ships, the first in their class, and also, the LD class ships (standing for their Light Drive engines) are the most reliable in the United Planet's fleet, so a new class of LD ships could only mean that they were massively upgraded. As it turned out, I was never more right. I immediately told my communications officer to begin listening on all frequencies for incoming transmissions. We were not surprised to soon hear a simple message that carried a lot of meaning, the message simply said "Broadcasting from the LDX-1 on revolving frequencies, do you read me Col. Knox?" This message may seem like nothing, but it told us two things, one: they knew who I was, and two: the voice was General Flicouskie's voice... and that was big, he never leaves Earth, unless it was bad, really bad. As it turned out, we were largely underestimating the problem, but my team and I knew one thing, they must be pretty damn crazy, or really desperate, to want us crackpots for a mission big enough to get General Flicouskie off Earth.
We quickly replied to the message saying, "Yes, we read you loud and clear." General Flicouskie told us to head back to base and pack our gear, and to "Tell Brigadier General Jameson that we were being transferred to the LDX-1 for operation shield.," whatever that was!
As soon as we had packed up our gear and stopped our weapons expert from taking every available weapon with him (I promised that there will be bigger and better guns onboard the ship), we reported to Jameson that we were being called away on some other tour of duty; it was sad to go, every man and woman on this base were like sisters and brothers to us all. As we left, we heard over the intercoms in our suits, a farewell salute, and as we listened, a rocket lit up the sky with a flash, a final good bye, our final memory of the doomed base called Iron Gate, Titan. (It later turned out that the rocket actually shot down a cloaked seleniun ship…)

My team and I climbed down a crude staircase that had been hewn into the rock to reach the launch pad for the ship. As the gang plank slowly extended down to the ground, the realization of what was really happening suddenly hit us, this is war, real war, not just some sniping game where we sit in a safe, secure base and take potshots at little alien buggers. We could be killed out there.

Once we had climbed aboard the ship, the gangplank was quickly withdrawn, and all hatches were closed in preparation for the jump through the light tunnel. As soon as we were on board, the general brought us into a fancy new de-briefing room, which was certainly an upgrade compared to the standard hard backed chairs and 3-d projector they have in the original LD class ships! I mean, this room was like a lounge; there was quiet breakbeat electronic music playing in the background, gel filled adaptive chairs with optional back massagers and leg warmers, a mini-fridge, and the projector was a Holo-Pro™, the best projector ever produced by the human race; not to mention surround sound with 500 audio channels! Anyways, as soon as we could actually pay attention to the de-briefing instead of the room, we learned that we were in deep shit if we didn't do something fast; the gist of what we were hearing is this: the seleniun had been sending out small fleets of warships to stress us out and make us venerable to attack; they had finally deemed that if they attacked now, success would be theirs (A.K.A. wiping out the human race), so, we were told by General Flicouskie that “You have two weeks at the outside to find the ten shield generators that are spoken of in the books of our past, and put one on the magnetic pole of each of the five planets.”
It was a big job, and we thought that we could do it, but we had just one question to ask first:
“General, what ship will we be using for this mission?”
“Why, you’ll have full command of the LDX-1 for this mission; for that reason Col. Knox, I’m promoting you to captain of this ship.”
“But sir, won’t you be staying along on board?”
“No, I have work to do back on earth, like keeping the president from hyperventilating too much!”
And with that, General Flicouskie stood up, said farewell, and walked to the portal room for a trip back to earth.

As my ranking officers and I sat gaping at each other, I finally was able to say one word, which of course was: “SWEET!” the tension broken, we all started laughing, partially out of how cool this was, and partly because we were scared half to death, and laughing made it seem just a little bit better.




Chapter 2

As soon as General Flicouskie had left, I told the pilot “move into orbit around Saturn, and wait for further instructions”. As soon as we were stationed safely in orbit, My crew and I explored the ship, and noticed a few cool upgrades that were not immediately visible to the eye; such as: the main cannon was re-engineered to have twice the firing rate, and ten times the power, the light drive engine could plot out a portal’s end point fifty times as quickly, and the shields had five times as much defense power.

(to be continued...)




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Wow, your revision is great! You fixed it up even better than I had imagined it. Can't wait to read more!
I have a P.h.D. in awesomeness!




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This may be part of the character of your narrator, but from the very first paragraph he seems a little too flippant. Also, the style is a little bit off. Let me explain: it seems like you're adding in details and exposition without much style at all.

"Oh, did I mention I'm only 15?" Let me describe my thought process here--I literally stopped reading for a microsecond and said "Er, okay" to myself. It may be description, but it's the kind of description that breaks up the consistent flow of the narrative.

And without getting too nitpicky, it goes a little downhill from the first paragraph. It becomes overwhelmingly conversational, to the point of becoming distracting and unconvincing. Again, this may be part of what you're trying to accomplish, but I don't think you intended it to this degree.
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the conversational was intended, because it is supposed to be extracted from his journal; but you are right, it is a bit much... I admit, it needs work... but it is my first chapter, and I will get better at writing; and don't worry, this is just the setup chapter! lots of action and puzzles later on.

Cheers, Yamar
Last edited by yamar on Tue Apr 21, 2009 4:40 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Interesting. A journal? It seems more like a memoir that he expects to be published, an autobiography of his accomplishments. If that's the case, this guy is obviously an egotistical ass. And you can do FUN things with a talented egotistical ass.
Hey Daedalus, I'm Icarus. Do your thing, and for God's sake use something better than WAX this time.




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wow... edit and post at once... I hate when that happens, because then half the time neither of us are right! that is not the case now though...

any examples for what i could do? he is going to get better, he's got to if the section later on come to pass.




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In terms of the organization of the story itself:

If this is a journal/memoir/what have you, you really could expand this quite a bit. As a journal entry, I'm thinking your main character is NOT writing to ONLY military personnel. He's writing this with the assumption that civilians will be reading it at some point. Therefore, don't be afraid to add in a lot of detail, exposition, and explanation, especially for what at the moment seems pretty off-hand, brief lingo.

On the other hand, don't take it so far that you're leading the reader (as in YOUR reader, not his reader) by the hand in order to explain things. Your character should be writing with the assumption that his audience knows the general situation (the planet or moon, perhaps a tiny bit about its geography, the conflict, the enemy) but not the details, or at least not the specific details that his experience can provide. It's a tightrope, but a great one if you can walk it.
Hey Daedalus, I'm Icarus. Do your thing, and for God's sake use something better than WAX this time.




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eep. ok, ill do my best... I'm thinking about re-titling it... just a little bit: Iron Gate - a Memoir by Col. James Knox.



“All stories are true," Skarpi said. "But this one really happened, if that's what you mean.”
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind