Last Date.

Prologue [early morning]: Robert eats his breakfast. His wife watches him. He asks her what she’s doing all day. She says she’s going to have lunch with a couple of friends. She also says that lately she’s been thinking about stuff. What stuff? I don’t know. Stuff. Like… He waits for her to finish. Like family stuff. Robert nods and asks her if she is talking about finally having children. She tells him that she is. Robert keeps eating his breakfast. He tells her that it’s too early in the morning to have this conversation.
She says:
-Fine. But we have to talk about it eventually.

Last Date.

He doesn’t say anything at first. He just examines her for a minute. She is no longer holding his hand. He says:
-Angela. Just listen…
-What?
-I… don’t know.
He tries to move closer. She doesn’t let him. They’ve been here for an hour but neither of them has said more than a few words. It is not comfortable.
-I don’t like this place, she says. I want to go home.
-I’ll walk you.
-You don’t have to do that anymore.
-It’s not like it’s a big fucking deal, Angie. I’ll just walk you home.
Her eyes move towards two men drinking wine three tables over. They are both talking and chuckling and occasionally glancing towards him and the girl. She says:
-Then I don’t want to go right now.
-Why?
-I just don’t wanna go right now. I… Look, I don’t want them to see us leaving together.
-Who—? You mean Tom? Tom doesn’t give a shit about his brother. He already knows, Angie. He doesn’t care. He’s— Tom is my friend, he says. I’m his brother more than your husband is. He already knows about us.
She looks at him. Her eyes are grey.
-Everybody knows, she mutters. Everybody knows and… I want them to know that it’s over now. Look— Kevin, I just don’t want them to see us going home together.
-We’re still sitting together.
-Yes. We’re just sitting. We’re just talking.
He drops his head against the table. She looks away.
-Jesus Christ— Angela, this is silly. Why are we…? God. I don’t even know, he sighs. Pause. He thinks about what’s he’s going to say and: You know, Robert knows too. Yeah. He just doesn’t care either.
-Don’t be mean.
-I’m not being mean. I’m just saying, ‘cause…. He knows. And he doesn’t care because he does it too. He’s being doing it forever, Angie. That’s why he doesn’t say anything.
-Shut up.
-This is so fucking stupid, he chuckles. Then he lifts his face from the table. This is… Ugh. Shit, are you—? Don’t do that. Angie… Come on. Don’t cry.
-Shut up, Kevin. Please.
He groans and eyes the two men drinking wine. One of them raises his eyebrows. He shakes his head and the man shrugs and keeps drinking. He wishes he was sitting next to them instead of her. She sniffs, wipes her nose with the sleeves of her shirt.
She says:
-Let’s just get out of here.
-No— I mean, I guess we can wait if you want to.
-Let’s just get the hell out of here.
She looks angry. He’s never seen her angry before. He thinks: at least she doesn’t look sad anymore. He thinks: at least she’s not crying anymore.
He stands up and she stands up and they walk out of the pub together.
Later:
-I’m sorry, he says. I’m really sorry. I don’t know why I said that.
-Right.
-I just want you to be happy, you know? I mean— Like, I want you to be happy with me if… If you want to. But it’s alright either way. You know? I just want you to do what you want.
She has her hands on her belly and she is not crying anymore. He can’t look at her for more than a couple of seconds. Everything around them is wet. It’s been raining.
He asks:
-Is this what you want to do?
-Kevin, she says. Just walk me home.
-What? We can’t even talk about it? That’s no way to treat a guy. That’s no fucking way. I mean, what is that? Let’s just talk about it.
-Don’t shout.
-I’m not. I’m… I won’t. Come on.
-It’s not… It’s not a matter of want, alright? Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. I’m— I can’t live like this anymore. Doing whatever the hell I feel like. Maybe I could before but you’ve got to get responsible sometime, you know? Accept that you’ve got obligations and— and— and make compromises. I’m married, she says. And that may not mean much to you but it means a lot to me and… You know. To God and to… It means something.
-What the hell are you talking about?
She groans and screams:
-Don’t—! Would you not do that—?
-Do what?
-I hate it when you do that. When you ask a question and look at me like I’m an idiot or… Look, I’m making sense. I am making a lot of sense, she says. I’m married and you know I’m married and that means something. And— Yes. I know Robert cheats on me sometimes because… I smell them on him but— but that doesn’t mean I should do it too. Does it?
-Fucking leave him then, Angie.
-Are you crazy?
He scoffs and she regrets the question almost immediately. She thinks: we should already be there. She thinks: it never takes me this long to get to the house. He’s walking ahead of her with his head down and his hands in his pockets. She thinks: I’ll go see Dr. Harris tomorrow and then I’ll just forget about him and what happened and everything will be fine.
She stops moving and takes a deep breath.
She says:
-I think I’m going to be sick.
He turns around and sees her leaning forward with one hand over her mouth and another pressing her belly harder than before. He hurries closer to her.
-What’s the matter?
-I think I’m going to throw up, she says before retching. Shit. Oh, Jesus.
-Are you sick?
-No.
-Then what’s the matter?
-I don’t know. I’ve been... Wait, she mumbles and then she retches again and then she finally throws up. The vomit is reddish and he notices pieces of chicken floating in it. I’ve just been getting sick a lot. God. Oh, let’s just keep going.
He helps her up, asks:
-Are you OK?
-Yeah… Yes. I’m fine, she says. She coughs a little and spits and looks embarrassed. Sorry. It’s… I’ve got the most terrible taste in my mouth.
-I don’t mind. I mean, I’ve seen you doing uglier things.
-Come on, let’s go. We’re almost there.
He helps her walk. He has his arm around her waist and it feels so natural that it takes her a few minutes to notice. When she does, she tells him she can walk by herself. They don’t speak much more. When they get there he notices a car parked on the driveway. He knows it’s her husband’s. She’s standing in front of him. She wants him to say something. He does:
-I should go inside and kick his ass.
-Don’t. Please.
-I won’t… But I really fucking should, Angie.
-You’re the one sleeping with his wife, she says. He’s done nothing to you. If you’re going to get angry then you should get angry with me.
-I can’t get angry with you. You know that.
There is light coming out from the second story window of the house. A dog is barking somewhere. It is only ten thirty but it feels like everybody is already asleep. He says:
-So. Is this it? Do we… I don’t know. Part ways or whatever? Never see each other again? I’ve never really been in a relationship that’s lasted this long before so… I don’t really know how it works. I wouldn’t even know how it’d work if I did want to break up.
-Don’t call it that. We’re not breaking up.
-We’re not breaking up?
-Because we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend, Kevin. We’re just doing the right thing.
-I guess, he sighs. Then he asks: Are you gonna be OK with this nausea stuff? The… You know. The vomiting?
She doesn’t answer. She looks at her house. The light coming from the second story window is no longer there.
-I really have to go, she says.
-Can I— Can I maybe call you sometime? Just to talk or whatever.
-I don’t think that’s such a good idea.
-Yeah. I mean… I guess, he says. Well— Just… Take care, Angela. Alright?
-Sure. You too.
She leans forward and kisses him on the cheek and he turns his face towards her and tries to kiss her on the mouth but she has already taken a step back and turned around and walked inside the house and now he is standing there alone.
His house is an hour away. There are no cabs around.

Epilogue [early morning]: Robert eats his breakfast. His wife watches him. He tells her that she came to the house pretty late last night. She says that it wasn’t that late but she’s sorry if she woke him up or anything. He chuckles and tells her that it’s fine. Who did she walk home with? Was that Kevin he saw her with? His brother’s friend. Right? She nods and he keeps eating. She asks if he has given any thought to what they talked about yesterday. What did they talk about yesterday? She sighs. Kids, Robert. Family? He nods and says that he’s thought about it a lot and then takes a sip of his coffee. They stay quiet for a moment and she tells him that that’s good. Also: is he free this afternoon? Sure. He asks her what’s up and she calmly informs him that he needs to drive her to a clinic today because she may be pregnant with his their first child. Robert keeps eating his breakfast.
He says:
-Fine. But I don’t want you going out like last night anymore.

Hello. review as requested!

He doesn’t say anything at first. He just examines her for a minute. She is no longer holding his hand. He says:

-Angela. Just listen…

-What?

-I… don’t know.

I have a few problems with this part. First of all - you usually put speech in quote marks. I think that what you are doing just makes the piece all the more tell-ish. Also - that's the second thing. Try and prolong the moment.

For example:
He doesn’t say anything at first becomes:

He waits. The words are quivering his lip - he has to say them out loud. When the words came out, he was surprised at how sure his voice was - even though he was cowering behind his booming words, afraid of the consequences.

Third problem:

anything at first[s]. [/s], h[s]H[/s]e just examines

You had a minor grammar problem there!

-Everybody knows, she mutters. Everybody knows and… I want them to know that it’s over now. Look— Kevin, I just don’t want them to see us going home together.

See, this is why people use speech marks - or quotes, whatever you want to call them. Right now, you have the words in bold as part of what she is saying. Also, speech marks help the stry flow, and you can mix up the words... said is repeated many times in your story.

Later:

You don't do this ina story - you should make this a script, because it is mainly talking.

Hmmm... I have to stop there. I will come back and review the rest of the story, but in the mean time -

check out this article

Hello! I'm Music.


Grammar:

She says:
-Fine. But we have to talk about it eventually.
Very interesting approach to writing dialogue. I don't necessarily like it. the first paragraph had a few parts in which the reader couldn't tell who was speaking.

He groans and eyes the two men drinking wine.
Consider putting the parts that arent' dialogue in italics, if you must write it this way!

Maybe I could before, but you’ve got to get responsible sometime, you know? Accept that you’ve got obligations and— and— and make compromises. I’m married, she says. And that may not mean much to you, but it means a lot to me and… You know. To God and to… It means something.

It is only ten thirty, but it feels like everybody is already asleep.

Are you gonna be [s]OK[/s]okay with this nausea stuff? The… You know. The vomiting?

She leans forward and kisses him on the cheek; [s]and[/s] he turns his face towards her and tries to kiss her on the mouth, but she has already taken a step back and turned around and walked inside the house and now he is standing there alone.
Okay, that run on is beyond repairing!

She says that it wasn’t that late, but she’s sorry if she woke him up or anything. He chuckles and tells her that it’s fine. Who did she walk home with? Was that Kevin he saw her with? His brother’s friend. Right? She nods, and he keeps eating. She asks if he has given any thought to what they talked about yesterday. What did they talk about yesterday? She sighs. Kids, Robert. Family? He nods and says that he’s thought about it a lot and then takes a sip of his coffee. They stay quiet for a moment, and she tells him that that’s good. Also: is he free this afternoon? Sure. He asks her what’s up, and she calmly informs him that he needs to drive her to a clinic today because she may be pregnant with [s]his[/s] their first child.

Language Usage: The layout of the story really bugged me. It took away from the whole thing because I was so busy trying to decipher who was saying what that I didn't get to focus on what they actually said. When I did get to, the dialogue seemed pretty realistic. I don't like how you lined it up, though. Perhaps re-write it the way prose is usually written. I think I'd like it a lot better that way!


Plot: I really, really liked the story line. But! The layout, as mentioned, just ruined it for me. I thought it was a perfect situation and a perfect, everyday thing. I'd really like to see this re-done!


Tips & Suggestions: My only tip is what I've been saying a lot: re-write it in the normal prose layout! It'd make the thing much easier to read. This is a great story, but the plot and dialogue aren't all that count. You need to lay it out correctly for a great effect!

Feel free to PM me with questions! I'd love to hear from you if you edit!


Love,
Music

Okay... back for round two!

He scoffs and she regrets the question almost immediately. She thinks: we should already be there. She thinks: it never takes me this long to get to the house. He’s walking ahead of her with his head down and his hands in his pockets. She thinks: I’ll go see Dr. Harris tomorrow and then I’ll just forget about him and what happened and everything will be fine.

What's with the 'she thinks'? Why not just put the writing in italics? You need to work on your prose, dialogue mainly, but just the setting out of the entire story.

-I don’t know. I’ve been... Wait, she mumbles and then she retches again and then she finally throws up.

Okay... this is getting annoying!

Epilogue [early morning]: Robert eats his breakfast. His wife watches him. He tells her that she came to the house pretty late last night. She says that it wasn’t that late but she’s sorry if she woke him up or anything. He chuckles and tells her that it’s fine. Who did she walk home with? Was that Kevin he saw her with? His brother’s friend. Right? She nods and he keeps eating. She asks if he has given any thought to what they talked about yesterday. What did they talk about yesterday? She sighs. Kids, Robert. Family? He nods and says that he’s thought about it a lot and then takes a sip of his coffee. They stay quiet for a moment and she tells him that that’s good. Also: is he free this afternoon? Sure. He asks her what’s up and she calmly informs him that he needs to drive her to a clinic today because she may be pregnant with his their first child. Robert keeps eating his breakfast.

He says:

-Fine. But I don’t want you going out like last night anymore.

Hmmm... You could make this better - a lot better. read that article I gave you in the link above, and the you can see what I mean. Describe the tension in the air.

Also... that brings me back to your prologue... I thought that there was a chapter or something that I missed, and you were giving us the briefs... is that it? You could improve it a lot by looking through the writers knowledge base... link here

Well, I'm sorry if I seemed a little harsh, but you could make this story really good if you just added in some description and didn't center it all around the dialogue.

To tell the truth I like but i think that it has a some issues, that i had to stop reading. Like when you do dialog usually it supposed to be in quote marks, so try more to use more speech marks with your writing. When i read your pro-log it seemed as if i missed a lot of important information , i mean it was like just giving us brief information about it not the whole thing~i am not sure if that really your whole point. It would also improve if you add more description.

Well, I'm not sure what to say.. I was frowning the whole time I read this because I had to really focus on when somebody was speaking and when they weren't.
Some obvious mistakes that everybody commented on is the lack of quotation marks. This combined with the short sentences and lack of other punctuation made it a difficult read.

Adding some description to the story would also help set the scene. Think of it as a movie set - if you have two people in a coffee shop and nothing else is described, its basically just a scene with two people sitting at a table with a white wall behind them, white floors and nothing else. You have to give detail because although you know what the scene looks like, nobody else does.

I actually liked how there wasn't any quotation marks. At first I was a little confused, and I'm not sure if I would want to read an entire book that way, but for a short peice it flowed pretty well. I could easily tell when someone was talking and when they weren't just by the tone. This is a really good peice, I think. It felt awkward in the right places. I liked the style a lot too. It's really different and honest.

-I don’t mind. I mean, I’ve seen you doing uglier things.

Haha, that's a really good line.

So bravo, I liked this a lot and didn't notice any mistakes, really. *thumbs up*

Okay, I'm here. A gazillion years late.

I actually enjoyed the sparseness (er, minimalism) of the piece; I thought it worked well for the story you were telling. In a way it kind of added to the bleakness of the narrative.

I also didn't mind the lack of quotation marks but I did think that it sometimes made your tags (the "he said", "she said" bits) a little hard to follow. Not always; you managed to incorporate it pretty well. But sometimes. I'll point them out as I go through the story.

A final thing: I've always found it a little difficult to critique your pieces because they're always so solid (in a good way) — the only issues that I've ever had are usually minor flow or grammar stuff. So forgive me if I don't deal with overarching story things because I don't particularly think anything about your story or the way you've told it is problematic.

Okay. Onward.

Robert eats his breakfast. His wife watches him. He asks her what she’s doing all day. She says she’s going to have lunch with a couple of friends. She also says that lately she’s been thinking about stuff.

I like the non-dialoguey dialogue but these first few sentences are too choppy. After this, and throughout the story, I think you don't really have this issue but here it's especially apparent because you're relying on the he-said / she-said sentence openers. I don't mind (in fact, I like) the first two sentences but after that it's flat and repetitive and choppy but not very engaging. It might even help to slightly alter the structure of the sentences, so: "He asks her what she's doing all day. Going to lunch with a couple of friends, she says. She also says that lately she's been thinking about stuff." I'm not sure that that works for you but I do think this needs to be varied up a little.

-Angela. Just listen…

-What?

-I… don’t know.

I'm not a huge fan of the "I don't know", if only because you rarely say, "listen" without having something to follow up. I can see him trying to catch her attention but it seems like he's already got it. I'd kind of rather you cut out this line altogether; I think the story works just fine without it. As it is now, the flow of the dialogue kind of hiccups.

Her eyes move towards two men drinking wine three tables over. They are both talking and chuckling and occasionally glancing towards him and the girl.

Minor nitpick: it should be "her and the man" since it's her POV for the moment.

-Who—? You mean Tom? Tom doesn’t give a shit about his brother. He already knows, Angie. He doesn’t care. He’s— Tom is my friend, he says. I’m his brother more than your husband is. He already knows about us.

This is where the tagging becomes a somewhat minor issue. Because it's buried so deep into the dialogue and because you don't use quotation marks to denote dialogue, the first time I read it, I do so as if it's part of the dialogue. I know it's not, but it's kind of distracting. I'd suggest either putting the "She looks at him. Her eyes are grey" bit before her preceding bit of dialogue, so:

-Why?

She looks at him. Her eyes are grey.

-I just don’t wanna go right now. I… Look, I don’t want them to see us leaving together.

-Who—? You mean Tom? Tom doesn’t give a shit about his brother. He already knows, Angie. He doesn’t care. He’s— Tom is my friend, he says. I’m his brother more than your husband is. He already knows about us.

Or alternately, writing a new-but-similar line for him or her before their respective bits of dialogue. So either something new after "Why" for her or something new after "I don't want them to see us leaving together" for him. And then cut out the "he says". The way it's structured now is kind of distracting.

In this instance, too:

-Jesus Christ— Angela, this is silly. Why are we…? God. I don’t even know, he sighs. Pause. He thinks about what’s he’s going to say and: You know, Robert knows too. Yeah. He just doesn’t care either.

I don't really think you need the "he sighs" there anyway, so I'm thinking that maybe you put in a line break and start with, "Pause. He thinks about what he's going to say", etc. Otherwise the non-dialogue gets swallowed up with the dialogue.

She groans and screams:

-Don’t—! Would you not do that—?

The combination of groaning and screaming is kind of awkward and implausible. If you had to keep either, I would suggest keeping the groaning — it makes the dialogue that she speaks afterwards less melodramatic than if she were screaming.

He does:

The semi-colon should be a period.

I wouldn’t even know how it’d work if I did want to break up.

-Don’t call it that. We’re not breaking up.

-We’re not breaking up?

-Because we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend, Kevin. We’re just doing the right thing.

I think(?) you added this piece of dialogue because I don't remember reading it before, but ... I'm not a huge fan. It makes them seem really childish and a little naive in a way that's incongruous with their characters up until now (as in, as if it's high school and they hold hands on the bleachers when in fact they have both seemed very aware of the nature of their relationship up until now).

Anyway, that's pretty much it. I do really like this piece; I love that it's quiet and sad and (like I said before) a little bleak and I do think the minimalist approach and even the lack of quotation marks kind of add to it in a way.

If you want me to clarify anything, just let me know. Good luck in the contest!