Back To Our Roots

There is a time in life, where one finds themselves staring the face of death in the eyes, with nothing to save them but their bare hands and their intellect. In modern society, we no longer see these right of passage voyages. Don’t hear about the grueling task of a boy fighting to become a man. You are considered a man when you can drive, drink, and the first time you are with a woman.
If we look to the past, we learn that becoming a man was something that you had to earn...something that you had to achieve on your own. Now, I read somewhere that in life it’s important not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong. We all must measure ourselves at least once in the most ancient of human conditions: facing the wild, alone, with nothing but your mind and body to save you. This is something that everyone must go through, but things such as these are scarce in today’s world. With the rapidly depleting forests, and the constantly rising obesity rate. We have become the exact society that one should not be proud of. We cannot live without luxuries, and our people are uneducated in the ways of survival in it’s true form.
However, there is hope. There is a chance for us to change. Less drastically than I would hope, but we still have time to fix our ways. Believe it or not, you can be part of that change, you can make a difference. Our greatest problem is our lacking connection with our historical roots and the natural world. We continue living our lives, day by day. For humans, doing the same monotonous task gives us a false sense of security, and we grow comfortable with our habits. We need to make a radical change in our lifestyle, and it begins with each of you reading this: go out into the world, learn and care for the people in need around you, and experience the true form of living in this world.
I have recently learned, that life is not just college then a career. It is much more than that, and for me, I will only be truly happy if I feel that my actions have made a difference. Only of I acted differently than the human way, selflessness is my goal. And, I hope you too get out in the world. Challenge yourself. Explore, and become enlightened. But most of all, care for those who are less fortunate than you are. One person at a time, that’s how we will change our ways...one person at a time.

Hey Zorah! You have an excellent piece here that really has me pumped to go help the world and change the future. You have some very idealistic views here, but is it simply wishing something that can't be done? I don't think so.

Nit-Picks:

With the rapidly depleting forests, and the constantly rising obesity rate.

You should add this on with another sentence, preferably the one before it.

If we look to the past, we learn that becoming a man was something that you had to earn...something that you had to achieve on your own.

This is a tiny error, but you need a space after your ellipsis.

One person at a time, that’s how we will change our ways...one person at a time.

Again, you need a space after your ellipsis.

Challenge yourself. Explore, and become enlightened. But most of all, care for those who are less fortunate than you are.

Bring these three sentences together, because you can have the same go-out-and-help-effect on people without having those sentence fragments.

This is persuasive writing and the only advice I know that could be helpful would be a more personal experience inserted into all of this. It would really draw your reader in more and then they could relate to you. That way, whatever you said afterwards would have more meaning to it. I think that might be a better approach to gaining the attention of your audience.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Thanks a bunch. N i get what you mean about the personal experience bit, and i will incorporate it into further pieces. This was mostly just a reflection piece that i just kind of wrote when i was inspired

Here as requested. *bows* What I really want to do is dive in and do a line by line critique, at least where problems are present. So, shall I begin.

There is a time in life, where one finds themselves staring the face of death in the eyes, with nothing to save them but their bare hands and their intellect.

This portion stumbles quite a bit and the way it reads is awkward, most definitely in the bolded portion. If it was written something more like “staring death in the face” it would read more smoothly. Also “life, where” would read better as “life when”. Again, it’s all about how the words flow when read.

In modern society, we no longer see these right of passage voyages.

Here, I have an issue with your word choice. For one thing, you should have used the word “rite.” Same sound, different meaning. Also, the way it reads, it almost seemed like you were trying to concot new metaphors. Simply saying “rites of passage.” would do just fine.

Don’t hear about the grueling task of a boy fighting to become a man.

Just adding the word “You” could really add a little more dimention to this sentence. Adding “These days, you” would do even finer.

You are considered a man when you can drive, drink, and the first time you are with a woman

Because the sentence before this one showed one point and this sentence shows another, a word like “rather” at the beginning helps the sentences blend together.

You are considered a man when you can drive, drink, and the first time you are with a woman.

Here again is the problem I feel reacures most often: your sentences lack basic structure and continuity. This could be re-written as: “You’re considered when you can drink and where you can drive. You are thought of as a man after your first time with a woman. “ Do you see some of the difference there is when you read them outloud and compare.

…I would continue on like this but all of the problems I’ve found are nearly the same. The words just don’t work well together in the form you’ve used them. Take the time to read what you’ve written out loud. If if sounds good off the toungue, then its bound to live just as well on paper.

Still, it was a very well thought out piece with strong support and a very persuasive message. Congrats.

(questions about the review, just PM me)

Overall, a great piece. It definitely expresses some (I believed needed) idealism, that our generation often tends to lack. I did get a little annoyed with the use of the word "We" to start three sentences (which are fairly close to one another) in the second paragraph. You had "We all," two sentences, and then two others that began with "We." I know it's a small issue, but I struggle with doing that myself so it tends to annoy me. Otherwise I thought it was excellent.

Okay, first of all, this is good. The first sentence catches my attention, and the second states what you are here for and what you are doing. You need to watch your slang though. Observe:

[We/You] Don’t hear about the grueling task of a boy fighting to become a man [any more].

If we look to the past, we learn that becoming a man was [s]something[/s] a status that you had to earn; [s]something[/s] one that [s]you[/s] everyone had to achieve [s]on your own[/s] individually. Now, [s]I read somewhere that in life[/s] [s]it’s[/s] it is important not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong.
See how better that flows? When you say: 'I read somewhere' that means that it it 'soft evidence'. When writing an essay, you are trying to inform someone of your view, or the way that things are. You want 'hard evidence'; kind of like a metaphor.
You had:
Now, some people think that it might not be people wanting to be strong; they want to feel strong.
With hard evidence;
It isn't important to be strong; just to feel strong.
Also, if you read something you have written back to yourself, then put italics on what you emphasize.

We all must measure ourselves at least once in the most ancient of human conditions: facing the wild, alone, with nothing but your mind and body to save you.
How exactly do you go about enforcing this? Are you writing to inform the reader on what is happening, or what needs to be done? If the latter, then keep it, and expand on how you would go about this. If the former, then you can get rid of it!

With the rapidly depleting forests, and the constantly rising obesity rate.
This is a secondary clause; an add on to a sentence. It doesn't make sense without a main clause.
Observe:

With the rapidly depleting forests, and the constantly rising obesity rate, people aren't getting their fist-fist experience.

(Both clauses)

People aren't getting their fist-fist experience.

(main clause)

With the rapidly depleting forests, and the constantly rising obesity rate.

(Secondary clause)

You need the main clause to make sense of the sentence, or else it doesn't work! I'm sorry, My computers' screwing up... I'll post the rest in another post!

However, there is hope. There is a chance for us to change. Less drastically than I would hope
Well, you shouldn't use 'hope' hjere twice... it brings it down. I like the rest of the paragraph though!

\The next paragraph should be you telling us what we can do... just going out into the world isn't enough. You seem to have missed that. In fact, you should give us 3 good reasons and procedures on how we can change the world.

Only of I acted differently than the human way, selflessness is my goal.
This doesn't make sense... even if yuo change 'of' to 'if'

I like the ending though!

Well... one last comment. You seem to have strayed away from the topic. You start off:
'Everyone needs to have a chalenge in their life that turns them into a man'
Then you end:
'Go and enjoy life'
They are two completely unrelated topics... you need to watch out for that when writing!