Kings Opal Part two of chapter one

Helpful reviews please!



The pain woke me. I was hog-tied on the dungeon floor, the stone covered with a thin layer of dirty straw. It reeked of human excrement. My head was burning. Every time I moved it sent flames shooting through my limbs. Still, I gritted my teeth and tried to twist around to see my surroundings, but it was to no avail. I slumped back down the two inches I had raised myself.
The pain was excruciating.
A scuffling noise came from the space behind me. I felt a woman’s quick fingers working on the knots at my back.
“Kristan?” Just speaking hurt.
“Yes Tahno, it is I.”
I tried to twist around to see her but she pushed me back down, gently.
“Lie still Eaglet,” she said, “let me untie you.”
I didn’t move, but in my mind, I was urging her to hurry. The Sorceress had ways of knowing things.
“This will go quicker.” Kristan murmured, cutting the rope with her dagger. She held out a browned hand and pulled me to my feet.
“Where is Kram?” I asked.
“Outside.”
“Why?” I demanded.
Kristan pointed with the tip of her dagger to the tunnel through which she had entered. I nodded as realization dawned on me. Kram, big boned as he was, would never have fit through. I glanced around the cell. The door, which fit almost seamlessly into the wall, was made of the same gray stone as the rest of the castles main structure. There were no windows; the only other thing in the room was a tin plate with a piece of moldy bread on it. As if I could have reached it.
Kristan thrust her dagger into its scabbard. She let a worried glance pass over my aching head, but she didn’t say anything.
There was sound of footsteps. Directly outside the door. Kristan spun around and threw herself on the floor. I heard a key turning in the lock as she wormed her way into the tunnel. My heart was pounding faster than a unicorn gallops; my eyes moved from her to the door as fast as lightening.
Her shoulders were in.
A crack appeared.
Her elbows.
It began to swing open.
Her waist.
It opened wider.
Her knees.
The door was open. The soldier saw Kristan’s feet disappear into the blackness and lunged at me, uttering an angry shout. I dodged to the side and jumped for the tunnel. My head throbbed as I worked furiously to get in. He grabbed my tunic. I kicked out at him, feeling my heel hit his chin. He fell back. I pulled myself forward with all my might.

Heya there!

Sorry it took so long, I have a tendecy to forget which stories I've begun reading xD Alright, to the review.

I was hog-tied on the dungeon floor, the stone covered with a thin layer of dirty straw.

What did the ropes feel like on his hands? Did they scratch, burn, what?

It reeked of human excrement.

Did he gag or does he have a strong stomach? You're using First Person! You're telling this story from the MC's point of view. Show us how he felt! Show us his pain and fear!

My head was burning.

This sounds rather telly to me. So what if his head was burning. Like I said before, show us how his head felt. How would you feel if your head had a deep wound on it?

The pain was excruciating

.

Here you go again. Instead of using one descriptive word, try using a sentence to describe the pain. Your work will improve greatly ^_^

A scuffling noise came from the space behind me.

Did the scuffling noise surprise the MC? It suddenly came out of no where. I know I would at least jump a little at sudden noise.

“Kristan?” Just speaking hurt.

“Yes Tahno, it is I.”

Who the heck is Kristan? She just came right out of the blue. Perhaps have Tahno say that she's blah, blah, blah. Not too much information, but a little to tie your reader over till more information on her is revealed.

I tried to twist around to see her but she pushed me back down, gently.

Try saying, "I twisted my battered body to see her, but a sharp pain flew through my body. Although I tried to suppress it, a small gasp escaped my parched lips. I could feel her eyes turn sharply to look at me. Gently, she pushed me back down." See? More description. That's only an example though.

"Lie still Eaglet,” she said, “let me untie you.”

Eaglet? What is that? Have the MC explain this odd name. Also, you need a comma before Eaglet. The comma after said should be changed to a period and capitilize let.

I didn’t move, but in my mind, I was urging her to hurry. The Sorceress had ways of knowing things.

Was the MC shaking with fear, anticipation, pain? Was he trying hard not to squirm as he thought of the Sorceress finding out?

“This will go quicker.” Kristan murmured, cutting the rope with her dagger.

Can he see her or what? If not, say how he knew she had a dagger in her hand. Did he feel the cold metal on his skin? Did he hear it slide out of its sheath? What?

She held out a browned hand and pulled me to my feet.

She pulled him to his feet? Did he try and push himself up without aid? Did he sway with dizziness, or fatigue once he was standing?

Kristan pointed with the tip of her dagger to the tunnel through which she had entered.

Please explain where this tunnel came from? If they were digging it, surely he would have heard them! Well, he was out like you said but still, the sound of shovel on stone would have woken him up. Maybe.

There was sound of footsteps. Directly outside the door. Kristan spun around and threw herself on the floor. I heard a key turning in the lock as she wormed her way into the tunnel. My heart was pounding faster than a unicorn gallops; my eyes moved from her to the door as fast as lightening.

No whispered words? No, "Hurry!" or "Quick!" Nothing? These footsteps, were they echoing down the hallway beyond the cell? I would nix the "as fast as lightning" part. It sounds cliched. Have something else in its place. Or perhaps just a plain ole "I quickly shifted my gaze from her to the door."

Her shoulders were in.

A crack appeared.

Her elbows.

It began to swing open.

Her waist.

It opened wider.

Her knees.

Add some description to these! Was the MC starting to panic as he watched the door widen more and more? Was his heart hammering against his ribs?

The door was open. The soldier saw Kristan’s feet disappear into the blackness and lunged at me, uttering an angry shout.

Was it just a roar or did the soldier utter a curse?

I dodged to the side and jumped for the tunnel. My head throbbed as I worked furiously to get in. He grabbed my tunic. I kicked out at him, feeling my heel hit his chin. He fell back. I pulled myself forward with all my might.

Your character is surely weak and in much pain, as you've stated in the beginning and in here. But still, show much he hurt as he struggled to get free. Also, is the MC scared of small, narrow spaces? Was he looking forward to crawling through the tunnel with dread or what?

*coughs*

Description: You skim over many, many details! Description, not too much of it mind you, is one of your best friends! Use it. And you're using First Person. Don't skim. Make your setting 3D!!

Characters: Well, we're just getting to know the characters and this is only the first chapter, but still. Add some personality to your characters? What did Kristen look like? Yes, we know she has tanned skin and she must be skinny but what else? Don't put it all at once, but gradually!

Overall: Your main problem is lack of description. Other than that, the story is pretty interesting. Remember, you're writing in First Person. Use it! It's actually quite fun and easy!

Any questions and when the next part is up, PM me.

Happy Writing!

Meadow